Would You Flume This?

Boston, MA – It’s Friday afternoon, it’s 75 degrees and absolutely perfect out. And yet, here I sit at my desk for the next 4 hours. So you know what I decided to do? I made a decision, as a man (or a 15 year old boy trapped in this awesome grown specimen), and did a Google search from my work computer simply titled “awesome breasts.” I honestly no longer give a shit if the IT department knows, I don’t care if they notify management, and I don’t care if they show a pie chart of all the searches I’ve been doing in a company meeting. If anyone wants to ask, or come visit my cube, they simply may find me rubbing my balls with the business end of my stapler. That’s just how it’s going to be from now on. I’ll help everyone out and list out my last few searches now, to kind of quell the curiosity that’s building up.

1. tightly bound awesome boobers

2. how long should you wait before calling about someone’s life insurance policy so you don’t look greedy/guilty

2a. which countries don’t extradite to the U.S.

3. why does Blue Ivy look like Benjamin Bratt?

4. is it true that drinking coors light makes your pussy smell?

5. if a woman is sleeping on a plane is it against the law to use her hand to rub myself

5a. oh come on, even if I’m covered with a blanket?

It is completely natural to feel inspired after reading a blog I’ve written, so go ahead and do a raunchy search from your desk and dare them to come get you.

"This is the type of blog you get when my balls are full"

 

Would You Flume This?

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Goodnight Donna Summer

 

"How Will I Know?"

 

Boston, MA – Donna Summer, the Queen of Pop, has passed away today. Donna will be remembered for such hits as “Fame”, “I Will Always Love You” and one of the songs from “Titanic” that Celine Dion didn’t sing. While our views of Heaven may vary, we can at least agree that class warfare does not exist up there. There are no VIP rooms, there are no mansions, and there’s no paparazzi (because all of them will rightfully burn in hell.) With that being said, I like to think Heaven is a good place to catch up with people that owe you something. There’s an old saying “If you owed me a blowjob on earth but I died before you gave it to me, we’ll settle up when you get to heaven.” What better place than Heaven for America’s Oldest Teenager, Dick Clark, to approach Whitney Houston and Donna Summer and go “I seem to recall promoting your tunes back when no one else gave you a shot. I’m not due back to my cloud for a couple of hours. How about a good old-fashioned double chocolate and vanilla pole smoke?.” What’s fair is fair. If Heaven is as good as they say it is, Dick is going back and forth right now with his helmet from Whitney’s mouth, then Donna, Donna, Donna, “pop”, back to Whitney, Whitney, Whitney, “pop”, back to Donna, “pop”, off Donna’s forehead, off Whitney’s forehead, back and forth on Donna’s cheeks like his shaft is playing the violin, now over to Whitney’s chin, hog bouncing back and forth until you hit play below…

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Vive La Difference!

 
 
Yahoo:  Thirteen-year-old Keeling Pilaro scored a huge goal Tuesday night, May 15, when he won the right to play on the South Hampton High School girl’s varsity field hockey squad in Suffolk County, Long Island.  The teen grew up playing field hockey in Ireland, where it’s a popular sport for boys and men. In the United States, the sport is played almost exclusively by females, although there is a men’s national team.

In late April, Pilaro was banned from participating in the fall 2012 season because school officials determined he was too dominant a player. His mother, Fairley Pilaro argued ”He is not a physical dominating presence on the field by any stretch. In fact, he’s far below the girl’s varsity height and weight.” The youngster is 4-foot-8 and weighs 82 pounds. He’s the team’s leading scorer.

 

I think maybe the argument might be this:  If a student wants to play a sport that is only offered for the opposite gender, that student should get to play it.  Well let me go on record and say that this argument is bullsh1t.  If a girl wants to play a boys’ sports, and she can make the team, then she should get to play.  The same doesn’t apply in the opposite direction.  Why?  Because [SPOILER ALERT FOR SOME OUT THERE] boys and girls are different*.  This doesn’t apply to the early years, and sure there may be some gray area, maybe somewhere around 5th grade, but by middle school, it’s over.  Is this equal treatment?  Nope!  Is this fair treatment?  Yes. 

 

*thank god**

 

**nsp, but thank someone or something

Is This A Real Person?

Boston, MA – I doubt most of you will make it through the entire four minutes of this, but please stay tuned long enough to see this nerd break out his Thor hammer. Now, it’s been well documented that I didn’t go to my prom, or anyone else’s, due to such setbacks as acne, poor grades, no ride, inability to speak coherently to the opposite sex, and uncontrollable raging erections. And you know how kids can be cruel and never let you live something down, so, you wet your pants one time in 11th grade and it’s all anyone remembers. So, part of me feels for this kid in the video, because I spent 2 years of high school consumed with trying to rescue Zelda. With that being said, and not to toot my own horn, I eventually blossomed out of my shell, developed an awesome physique, became a TJ Maxx-onista, went on to romance women as far away as Providence, and became one half of a blogging duo that is read by nearly 40 people daily. Am I a success story? Well, it depends on how you measure success, but I suppose I am. I’ve overcome nearly every malady that’s affected me in my life, with the exception of random, untimely boners that cause me to wear three pairs of underpants when going to the mall because of all the Milfs and yoga pants. Part of me likes to think this is god’s way of letting me know that I’m special. It was in his plan. He wanted me to have the gift of rod.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Tim Wakefield Confirms A Return To The Red Sox, Obviously Based On Strong Support Of Idea From Wicked Improper

So you're saying there's a chance?

 

 

Boston.com:  The Red Sox pulled out all the stops to honor former pitcher Tim Wakefield before Tuesday’s 5-0 win over the Mariners.  Talking to reporters after the game, the 45-year-old made it clear that he wouldn’t necessarily rule out a return to the mound later this season. “I can’t say yes or no. I can’t deny or confirm that,’’ said Wakefield.  Asked if he was glad he didn’t end up going to another team to finish his career, he said, “This is the team that I [am] was going to end my career with, whether it be this past February or this coming October.’’

 

Pretty clear cut I’d say.  Glad to have you back, Wake, not a moment too soon!  While we’re on the topic, may I suggest you put your resume in for manager as well?

 

p-fing-s:  Don’t forget, you heard it here first, gdi

The Wednesday Wouldya?

Boston, MA – Some nights I toss and turn wondering about prison, and if there are any studies that show who has a tougher time getting to sleep, male or female inmates. Our male audience is probably immediately thinking “male inmates”, because you figure it’s kinda hard to doze off when your cell mate gags you with two pairs of athletic socks, pulls a heroin balloon out of his ass and says “don’t worry sweetness, I’m only going to put the tip in tonight.” It kind of makes you wonder if getting raped in prison becomes second nature after a while. Like the first five times, after the chase is over and the screaming has stopped, you just close your eyes and pretend you’re getting a really thorough physical from a doctor who has a finger the size of a cucumber. But then on the 6th time, when you’re still looking at 12 more years of this, you’re like “hey, just don’t get any on my face, you know how it stings my eyes.”

On the other hand, our female audience is probably thinking “female inmates”, because deep down, if not right on the surface, even they know how fucking annoying they can be with their squawking. I can’t quite place his name, but a wise man once said “If you put a man in prison, he will always be able to pound his meat.” If you put a woman in prison, she can’t shop online at Pottery Barn from her iPad2 and ship a ton of shit to her doorstep that she doesn’t really need, “oh but I could always just return it, LOL”, which of course drives up the cost and prices of everything else for all consumers. Sorry, we got sidetracked a bit and close to talking about the economy, but the point I was trying to make was who could get to sleep with all of the clit flapping going on in a female prison? Who could be a guard there? I bet the guards that have tenure prefer to work the day shift, because once that sun goes down, middle fingers start smashing those beans and fills the halls with the sounds of a swarm of locusts and the scent and humidity of 500 pussies. Good luck trying to eat a Snickers on break with all that going on.

Which brings us to today’s “Wouldya?” If you had to bang the female inmate below, wouldya? Per usual, I’ll go ahead and start us off and let you know how I voted, so……drumroll……I would. Yep, I know, shocker. But, she looks genuinely happy, despite being incarcerated for what was most likely a drug conviction. I’m digging the cornrows, they kind of remind of the time Donovan McNabb had them during the Super Bowl against the Pats and was puking in the huddle. And, there could very well be some kind of artistic connection between us in that I am an awesome blogger and the keyboard is my paintbrush, and her art is a couple of fucked up looking hearts probably drawn with the world’s dullest crayon so she can’t shiv someone. Please answer honestly in the poll below and remember to take other people’s feelings into account before you make your selection.

 

"Look at me, I used crayons!"

 

Wouldya?

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Every Guy Has His Price. What’s Yours?

 

"Would You Let This Guy Suck Your Dick For $1 Million?"

 

Boston, MA – If you don’t listen to Howard Stern, let me bring you up to speed on what is perhaps the most historic bet in the history of mankind. Every guy has been asked this question at least once in his life: “How much money would it take for you to give a blowjob?” Obviously, this isn’t the blog for our gayer audience, because there’s probably a couple of you with your mouth full of shaft and giving a double-nut tickle right now as you read this. For you other guys, the ones that still look around before you take a bite of a banana so no one thinks you’re enjoying it more than you should, this is a tough one. The two guys involved from Howard’s show, Richard Christy and Ronnie Mund, are both straight. However, when someone presents you with $1 million each, after taxes, to have Richard suck Ronnie’s dick, your true sexual preference becomes a bit of a gray area. Now, Ashley Madison (.com), who for a small monthly fee will introduce you to other married people to cheat with so you can both burn in Hell for eternity (but with good memories), has offered up the $2 million cash. Apparently they’ve found a niche.

Of course, if you’re like me, your first question would be “Does Ronnie have to cum in Richard’s mouth?” Unfortunately, the answer is yes. My second thought was “If I’m Ronnie, I’d just close my eyes and think of Kate Upton.” The answer to that is ‘no’, because he can have no visual aids and has to look at Richard while he gobbles his ganoozle. My biggest complaint so far is, why do they get the same payout? I have no problem saying this to anyone that will read or listen: I would rather take a blowjob from a guy than give one. I feel like Richard should get double because, a.) he has to take another guy’s hairy old dick into his mouth, and b.) has to finish him and swallow his load. That’s the part I can’t get over, and could barely eat my hot oatmeal this morning.

Which brings us to the question: How much would it take for you to blow a guy? (to completion)

$1 million after taxes is awesome. That’s like $1.5 million. However, to be honest, my number is much higher. I need enough money to leave this region behind forever, as well as purchase about 11 million Altoids. Seriously, once I’m finished and wiping my mouth, you’ll never ever meet someone with mintier breath. Anyway, my number is $5 million, after taxes. Which I guess brings us to two questions. One, how much would it take for you to blow a guy, and, two, would anyone out there with $5 million like to take me to dinner this Friday?

What's Your Number?

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Why Did This Have To Happen To A Hot Chick?

"Let Us Pray For Aimee"

 

Aimee Copeland, the Georgia student who contracted a rare flesh-eating disease after a zip line injury will lose her fingers. “Aimee will suffer the loss of her fingers, however physicians have hope of bringing life back to the palms of her hands, which could allow her the muscle control to use helpful prosthetics. Copeland, a 24-year-old graduate student at the school, has already lost her left leg and may also lose her remaining foot, according to her family. Despite being hooked up to a ventilator and unable to speak, Copeland’s family said she’s showing signs of recovery. “Aimee appears to have normal brain function at this time, which is something I’m celebrating because within Aimee we have a very compassionate heart and an incredible mind of intellect,” said Copeland’s father, Andy Copeland. Aimee Copeland was riding a homemade zip line near the Little Tallapoosa River May 1 when the line snapped, causing a fall that cut open her left calf. Doctors at a nearby hospital cleaned and closed the gash with 22 staples, but bacteria that burrowed deep into the wound caused necrotizing fasciitis, a rare but deadly infection that claimed her leg one week ago.

Boston, MA – Here’s a question that you will always hear me answer with ‘no thanks’: “Hey, how would you like to go on my homemade zip line?” I’m sure with Aimee’s incredible mind of intellect and young spirit, she probably felt an air of invincibility as we all do at some point in our lives. We may never know why god was such a dickhead that day, instead of protecting her from not only the fall and the cut, but also letting her land into the gross, tainted waters of the Little Tallapoosa River. Hey, Little Tallapoosa River, wherever you are, this kid touches the water with a cut and your shitty bacteria eats her legs and feet off? Get polluted much?

As more details of this story unfolds, we will probably find out that one of Aimee’s fat friends went down the zip line first and weakened the gauge of the steel cable, even though while she was busy putting on an extra large harness and wiggling a helmet down over her giant squash to feel included, everyone else was kinda looking at each other with wide eyes and silently shaking their heads like “this is a bad idea.” And this is yet another example of the price we pay for political correctness. If someone just had the courage to politely take the chubby girl aside and say something like “maybe the zip line isn’t the ride for you, but help yourself to another hot dog even though you’ve already had three, but hey, who’s counting?”, Aimee might not be in the hospital right now. In a perfect world, there would be strategically placed signs that simply said “No Chubbies Allowed.” I understand that hanging signs won’t be a cure-all, but if we can stop one overweight person from enjoying an activity they have no business doing to begin with, the world would be a better place to have both legs.

If You’re Pulling Down $17 Million A Year, Fat, Drunk, And Stupid Isn’t So Bad

Your next Red Sox Starter?

 

First of all, I am not going to keep doing this all season.  I don’t have the time strength.  But let’s take a walk down memory lane, and look at the last week of pitching performances by the Red Sox starting pitchers.

They lasted an average of 5 innings, which is not good, but it’s not totally embarrassing (ahem, Josh Beckett, 2.1 innings).  They collected their share of $30.4 million in annual income.  Which is as misleading as the term “pros” in the word “prostitution,” because Beckett makes more than half of that ($17 million); Felix Doubront makes a little under $500k.  Compared to Beckett, that’s literally the same as John Blutarsky’s GPA, ie, nothing.

They posted an ERA of 7.05 for the last six  games.  That IS totally embarrassing and f*cking atrocious.  Beckett again takes the leadership role here, carding a 27.04 on that score.  Nice.  They squeezed out a 2-4 record, which is not too bad, all things considered.  Plus, the concessions folks sold 1,074,031 $8 beers… and… wait for it… waaaait… that was just to the Sox clubhouse!  KaBAM!  They’re rich drunken bastards!

Seriously.  They’re horrible.  You don’t have to Fire Bobby Valentine if you don’t want, but hire back Tim Wakefield and give your fat drunken slobs a rest.  You’re blowing it!

Get Ready To Cry

Boston, MA – From time to time, people send us hatemail or comments such as “I hope you die a slow death” (here), but the reality is, we’re nice guys that poke fun at touchy subjects. I mean, if you can’t laugh at MS, or picture Michael J. Fox getting frustrated trying to open a jar of pickles, what can you laugh at? Which brings us to today’s touching video of a boy with cerebral palsy walking to his dad for the first time in his life. I don’t know how to even put this video into words. The only negative thing I can say about it is that the kid steals the spotlight from his dad, who just got back from a little thing called “war”, and instead of saying “Dad, you’re safe!”, the kid is kinda showboating by strutting his shit all over the place.

(Spoiler: You can stop watching after the boy and father hug. The mom apparently had no problem eating carbs and other shit food while Daddy was away risking his life for our country. I mean, I’m away at war, you think you could do some Pilates or Bikram Yoga so when I get back I actually want to thrust one into you? But no. No. Cafe Mochiatos from Dunkin’s and “OMG, I love Bill and Bob’s” for this one.)

 

Appellate Court To Litigious Vampire: “Red From Wicked Improper Is Right: Shut The F*ck Up”

 

How do you spell the sound of the ear piercing shriek that comes out of a harpy's mouth?

Yahoo:  Heather Peters, the gash vampire attorney who sued Honda in California small-claims court over what she called the disappointing mileage in her 2006 Honda Civic Hybrid, had her $9,687 award thrown out today by a Los Angeles County judge, who found that most owners get close to the fuel economy the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency estimates on the window sticker. Peters says she’s disappointed, but that Honda lost the public relations battle even if it won the case.

 

We covered this waste of oxygen back in February back before I knew how to center my post titles.  Now this lady is claiming a moral victory.  F THAT.  Before she starts diddling herself, the judge should force her to pay for the taxpayers’ expense of staging this charade of a lawsuit.  THIS is how she thinks her judges should be spending their time?  Doesn’t she realize how many good looking celebrities are going to trial these days?  F8ck off, and take your self important, self righteous, self centered attitude with you.

Cheers,

Red

Who’s Ready For Summer?

Boston, MA – As god or whoever is responsible for the weather continues to put his dick into the northeast, in the form of an ironic 8″ of rain, let’s try to stay positive and remember it’s only early May. Don’t forget, “April showers, May flowers” and “May showers, June awesome boobers.”

Send your pictures of broads walking around Back Bay and the Financial District to martin or red @ wickedimproper.com.

You’ll enjoy this image more if you scroll down after it.

 

 

If You Could Go Back In Time…..

Boston, MA – If you could go back in time, would you wish you didn’t see this spoiler GIF from “The Avengers?” In this scene, the Hulk is fucking pissed off at that asshole, Loki, who walks around the whole movie talking about end of days, extinguishing the human race, and all of that other gloomy shit. Loki goes “you can’t touch me, I’m a god”, but Hulk must be an athiest, because dude just Swiffers the floor with him.

Here’s another spoiler: You’ll be aghast when they charge you $16 to watch this bullshit in 3D at the iMax, but you’ll be rewarded when Scarlet Johannson’s gravy bags ‘literally’ come out of the screen and smother you in your chair. I was subconsciously making the universal sign for “me want milk”, with hands extended and lips moving like it was reaching for a binky, before you know who (my wife) smacked my helmet-tip to bring me back to a sticky-floored reality.

Martin Munson rating: C+

Mainstream Media rating (because they want to curry favor and guarantee future interviews and photo-ops with all of the celebrities in the movie): A

 

The Wednesday Wouldya?

Boston, MA – Everyone remembers their first time doing love-make. For some of you, maybe it was with your high school sweetheart on the night of the prom. Or for others, maybe you found yourself under the bleachers near the football field, trying to tickle helmets with another confused boy scout. I’m often asked “Martin, what was your first time like?”, and if I had to sum up the experience with one word, that word would be “dry.” Obviously, I would have preferred a more slippery reception, but beggars can’t be choosers when the magic happens while working part-time in a nursing home.

Speaking of dry, let’s get ready for this weeks’ Wednesday Wouldya. Per usual, I’ll go ahead and start us off with the voting….drumroll…..I would. Yep, I know, shocker. But, if I could tag Hilary with four minutes of pure powerthrusting, I’d be able to cross “first lady” and “vampire” off my Fucket List. Now, guys, you know I normally don’t give out my bedroom secrets, but my signature dismount is guaranteed to drive that special lady in your life wild. Right after you hop off, take dead aim at her noggin, and just before launch inquire with your best English accent, “Pardon me, would you have any White Poupon?”

 

"It's my honor to be here today with Borat"

Wouldya?

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Help Me Pull The Plug On These Boxers?

I woke up today with a few questions on my mind:

1.  Why can’t I get the “Thompson’s Claaam Bar!” theme song out of my head?
2.  I wonder if I’ll get any hits on xvideos by searching “lunch room lady?”
3.  Why is Anna Faris famous?
4.  How long can I get away wearing these boxers?

 

Guys at the gym are looking at me funny. (And not in the good way)

 

 

Should Red Toss These F-ing Boxers?

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Follow Squirties the Pug on Twitter!

Boston, MA – The next person to follow Squirties the Pug on Twitter wins a Wicked Improper bumper sticker. All you have to do is click on the image if you have a Twitter account, which you obviously do unless you’re a caveman, or, lol, a poor person that can’t afford a smart phone or the internet.

 

Playboy Model And Mexico Agree: A Spoonful Of Sugar Helps The Medicine Go Down, aka “What Depression-Fueled Drug War?!”

By "sugar" I meant "boobs" and by "spoonful" I meant "450cc's" (each)

 

(Reuters) – Mexico’s electoral authority apologized to voters on Monday after a sober presidential debate was upstaged by a former Playboy model and her revealing outfit.  Clad in a tight-fitting white dress with a cut below the neckline to show much of her cleavage, Julia Orayen was working as an assistant on the televised debate, which focused on the economy and the drug-related violence ravaging Mexico.

 

Pretty much everyone knows that political campaigns, especially at the national level, are just a marketing campaigns.  Have a fat constituency?  Blame sugar producers and promise those fatties that they’ll look like Giselle after your reign.  Is the majority of your constituency made up of lazy, entitled, sniveling layabouts?  Blame the producers, and promise that everyone deserves – and will have - a car, a house, and a fat turkey in the oven when you’re done.  It’s their birthright!  The more outrageous your promises, the more likely you are to get their votes.  But above all, follow the Budweiser principle:  Always – Always – have a huge breasted woman delivering your messages.

 

"Show me...surprised! Pretty good. Try turning a bit more to the right now."