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Meat Pounder In The News!

 

"Not Camping. Not now. Not ever."

 

EAST SANDWICH — An East Sandwich man working as substitute teacher and camp counselor is facing child pornography possession charges after his arrest Thursday. Bryce Garner, 22, works at a hotel, but also part time as a substitute teacher, baby sitter and camp counselor for the Boy Scouts of America, according to a statement from the U.S. Department of Justice. A 2012 report from the town of Sandwich lists a Bryce Garner as earning $2,310 as a substitute teacher. A message left with the Department of Justice’s Project Safe Childhood was not returned Friday night.

Undercover police in Oklahoma City allegedly found Garner using a file-sharing website to share child pornography, according to the statement. When a search warrant was served Thursday, “an unrelated 14-year-old boy that Garner had previously baby-sat was found visiting the home since earlier that week,” according to the statement. The Justice Department says that Garner admitted he had possessed child pornography. If convicted, Garner faces a maximum of 20 years in prison, a possible lifetime of supervised release and a $250,000 fine, according to the statement.

Boston, MA – Well, if reading this story doesn’t make your asshole pucker in perfect tempo with your heartbeat, then nothing will. I’ll give Bryce Garner credit for this, he applied for and ONLY accepted jobs that were right in his libidos wheelhouse. A substitute teacher, a baby sitter, and the creme de la creme for dudes who like to pop wood to kids, a camp counselor for the Boy Scouts of America. You’d honestly have to be completely void of all common sense to ship your kid off to Boy Scouts camp at this point. I mean, what’s the rationale? “Hey, me and your mom want some ‘alone’ time this summer, so, we’re sending you into the woods with grown men who openly acknowledge they like spending their spare time with kids. Sweet dreams, here’s a buck knife.” Anyway, say goodbye to Bryce Garner, and his very soon to be popped ass cherry. I read somewhere that he may only do 7 years, but, let’s face it, in prison time that’s like 63 in asshole years. That’s the one really, really bad thing about prison. Hey, playing cards, having access to vending machines, and seeing how many times you can jack off before chow hall sounds pretty good, but at the end of the day, literally, there is a giant dick that doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer waiting for you. And, quite frankly, it is the aforementioned big dick that makes me think twice about robbing a Santander.

#KillAllPedophiles

Golf + Cocaine = Lower Scores!

 

Boston, MA – By now, you probably heard that Dustin Johnson is taking a 6 month break from the PGA Snore. Rumors of drug use, and not to mention (but to mention) putting his penis where it doesn’t belong quickly surfaced on the internet and social media. It will probably surface in newspaper format as well, which means elderly/irrelevant people will be finding out about it tomorrow. Quick note: It is taking every fiber of my being (literally, my testicles are slowly tightening as you read this) to not drop puns all over the place. Was there a perfect opportunity to say Dustin Johnson is ‘taking a powder’? Yes. But, did I? Well, yes, but I hesitantly and reluctantly walked us both into it.

Anyway, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: If I suddenly became rich and famous, I would be dead within two weeks. You know why celebrities are always getting caught up with drugs and alcohol? Because drugs and alcohol are both awesome. Yeah, addiction is bad, and so is domestic violence, but everything leading up to those two is pretty dandy. Here are a couple of scenarios to imagine if you were fortunate enough to be invited to my mansion:

You: “Martin, is it me, or, does it smell a little bit like pot in here?”

Me: “It’s not you. If it does smell like pot in here, that’s probably because everything in this room is made out of marijuana. See?” (punches a hole in the wall, grabs a fistful of dope, stuffs it into a bowl the size of something typically reserved for serving fruit punch, and hands you the bong)

You: “But…but…I…don’t..”

Me: “Smoke it.”

You: “o….kay.”

(Puffs. Lights go out on your entire life, and when you wake up, it’s Autumn.)

Given that you and I have now used this evil gateway drug as a springboard to exotic drugs, and eventually our deaths, here’s another scenario I’ll give you:

Me: “Welcome to my party, make yourself at home, I hope you brought your swim trunks, we have plenty of food and drink, feel free to watch a movie in the theater, then go down the new water slide, did you have any trouble finding the place, who are your friends, what is your name, what year is it, sorry if it seems like I’m a little all over the place, but I’ve been awake for 700 hours and the closest I’ve come to exercising is alternating nostrils to snort coke.”

But, Martin, in getting caught up with all the distractions of fame and fortune, you forgot to mention the lifetime supply of blowjobs. No, I most certainly did not. Along with all the money and coke comes, you guessed it, the never-ending head. What I haven’t quite figured out yet is how I’d hide a woman that was kneeling in front of me in public for eternity. Like, would I just stand in front of a box that a washer and dryer comes in, waving at passerby, going “Morning! Don’t mind me, just getting a little tune-up!”, or would I low-rent it and simply throw a sheet over her? See, I don’t have all the details mapped out yet, but let’s just say it would be very difficult for your family to have me over as a dinner guest.

You: “Martin, would you kindly pass the salt and pepper?”

Me: “Can’t right now, climaxing.”

Speaking of people who know a thing or two about receiving bj’s, I almost feel like Derek Jeter’s Hall of Fame speech should include a little footnote about how it’s been 20 long, grueling seasons since the last time his peener was dry. And, now speaking of that mausoleum, you couldn’t pay me to go to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Oooh, let me go sniff Babe Ruth’s glove. Hey, there’s the shirt Ty Cobb used to wear when he’d beat the shit out of his wife after a loss. One cool thing is that I’m pretty sure if you rang out Mickey Mantle’s jock strap, you could still produce a half shot of whiskey, but, get the fuck out of here with that museum shit.

In closing, if watching a guy hit a ball over a fence for the 9 millionth time helps you forget, for just one magical moment, that you are an OUI away from financial ruin, then more power to you.

Munson, out.

(Disclaimer: Wicked Improper not responsible for your new or rekindled desire to snort cocaine)

Bob Costas Has A New Favorite Band (not to mention, Conjunctivitis)

Sochi, Russia, Home of the 2014 Winter Games and Political Corruption (well, they are in 2nd place, right behind Boston) – How does Bob Costas keep his shit together when mentioning the band “Pussy Riot”? I watched this video again and again, and it appears as though he’s going to crack, but he doesn’t. That’s what sets the truly great teleprompter readers of our time apart from all the others. Bob Costas just put all the other low-level teleprompter readers on notice: If you want your preposterous paycheck, you sit in front of the camera, and you read the god damned words. Costas, out.

 

 

Here’s Bob Costas saying “Pussy Riot” on an endless loop while his dead eyeball leaks goop all over the anchor desk. Won’t you please share it?

 

A Picture Tells A Thousand Meals

While you and I sit in a cubicle, these two dickheads are on yet another reality show on TLC. This time, the show is titled “Would Someone Please Put An APB Out On My Dick?” Just kidding, it’s called ”My 600 Pound Life”, and what better way to tell the rest of the world that you have absolutely nothing going on other than by paying attention to this bullshit? Anyway, what’s worse, having your picture taken when it looks like you have a Manatee in your sweatpants, or, wearing a necklace that will eventually choke you to death while you re-heat leftovers?

Which Picture Is Worse?

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Anyone Have Any Advice? Red’s Getting A Tattoo

Chime in with cool ideas for a new tattoo. For reference, skulls, guns, skeleton roosters, and huge breasted female pirates (the most dangerous of all pirates) are all fair game. I’m willing to get funky, but to be honest, something like this might be a little aggressive for my tastes:

 

 

It happens guys. This happens.

 

 

Introducing Our Cunt Of The Week! (It’s Not At All What You Think)

Some of those caps must be bobby pinned on fcs.

 

 

KCRA-TV: A California Little League Baseball coach who suffered a torn Achilles tendon is suing one of his former players for throwing his helmet during a game-ending celebration.  The kid is 14 years old.  But that isn’t stopping Alan Beck from suing the child and Little League Baseball for $500,000 in pain and suffering in addition to another $100,000 in lost wages and medical bills.  Paris’ son allegedly tossed his helmet while scoring the winning run in a game this past spring, and the equipment struck and tore Beck’s Achilles tendon.

 

I’m actually going to call it a toss up (TOSS UP!!!) between Alan and his lawyer - who WITHOUT QUESTION put him up to it- who had a gem of a quote:

 

“He is a good guy who was volunteering his time and now he’s in a wheelchair. Who’s the victim here?” Beck’s cunt faced vampire attorney, Gene Goldman, told KCRA. “This wasn’t part of the game. To have someone throw a helmet in that manner, you just don’t do that.”

 

Ahem, everyone does that.  I mean, EVERYONE.  Well, not me – I respected the game.  But literally everyone else on the planet threw their bat, threw their helmet, threw their cup in the air, whatever.  It’s an entire sport built around tossing a ball around.  Things get thrown, better keep your fucking eyes open, jackass, or you’re going to catch something in your eyeball.

You know what I really hated?  Guys who wore their baseball hats over the backs of their heads, leaving tufts of hair popping out the front like Hermie from the Rudolph movie.  Fucking wear your hat like it was meant to be worn: Covering your entire head of hair, not too low, not too high, just the right amount of bend to the bill, but jesus christ not too much bend.  Goes without saying that I do not approve of today’s flat bill ridiculousness.  Flat billed baseball hats are preposterous.  Also I did not approve of guys who would casually bump the the bill of their batting helmet as they were running the bases, thus popping their helmet off as if they were running so fast – so hard – that the helmet flew off mid stride.  Unacceptable.

 

 

Update From The AVN Awards

Ughhhh, I had the longest day of work here at the Hard Rock Hotel. People always ask me, “Martin, how do you control your boners when you’re surrounded by porn stars?” and the answer is simple: I wear three pairs of underpants. If that still doesn’t work, I simply think about Katie Couric.

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Photo Hunt Game (For Female Readers Only)

Hi Ladies! WOOOOH! Here’s a fun game you can play in under a minute that will help to sharpen the recognition skills in your brain. Recent studies have shown that our brains are the first muscle to go, which is why you always hear about the elderly crashing their cars through storefronts and killing people with absent-minded negligence. Simple exercises like this can help to fire those neurons which are typically stagnant, due to the female brains propensity to dwell on things like shopping, and shows such as Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Keep in mind (pun intended?) this is a healthy, fun exercise that will help jog the most important muscle in your body: The Brain!

Try to find the objects below. Once you locate all six objects, send the link to a friend and compare your results! Good luck!

1. Puka Necklace
2. Red plate
3. Worst wall art, ever
4. Keurig
5. Earring
6. Morning Wood

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You Want Proof We Are Overpopulated? Okay, Here Is Proof

(Disclaimer: Video contains bad words like “Pussy”, “Little Ho”, “Fuck you”, and the N word. Video also contains laziness, bad parenting, threats of sodomy using the leg of a common kitchen chair, etc. In other words, a lot of the same shit that occurred growing up in the Munson house, minus the bad parenting and chair rape. Wicked Improper not responsible for thoughts of violence that trickle into your frontal lobe as you realize your tax dollars are paying for ‘everything’ in the video. Enjoy!)

p.s. Despite the fact it’s allowed as a PC reference to a despicable word, the very phrase “the N word” will have negative connotations until the end of time, and rightfully so. However, I know one company that could benefit tremendously if they would just follow the undeniably profitable advertising blueprint for pork. Just imagine a delicious Hazelnut spread commercial that ended like this: “Nutella, the other N word.”

Meh, probably why I’m not in advertising.

 

Doctors Warn That Certain Women May Be At Risk of Scoliosis. Take Our Free Exam!

 

Boston, MA – Alright, everyone relax. Don’t let her playful appearance fool you: This woman is at a very dire risk of contracting Scoliosis. And you know what? The really scary part is, even though she seems very intelligent, she probably doesn’t even realize it. Fortunately for her, she currently appears to be very, very healthy, and fortunately for someone else with a GoPro, she’s bouncing those things every which way until Sunday, whatever the fuck that means. In the meantime, we’ve come up with our own Free Exam to help women determine if they are at risk of getting Scoliosis. (Disclaimer: Wicked Improper not responsible for anything bad that happens to you from this point forward.)

Do you have huge, preposterous tits?

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If you answered “Yes”, congratulations! You are a member in a very special club. May god grant you every happiness and free drink you deserve. However, Wicked Improper recommends you see your doctor about preventing back problems you may experience down the road. If you answered “No’, have you explored options that help increase your bust size to super awesome levels? This is just my opinion, but in terms of historic moments in all of Medicine, breast enhancements are right up there with that guy who spilled a few liquids together to make the polio vaccination.

While it has been my pleasure to bring you free medical advice, if you’d like more information about Scoliosis and/or Breast Implants, please visit a real doctor.
You’re welcome,
Martin

If 2013 Was The Thigh Gap, 2014 Is The Bikini Bridge (and I’m ready to cross)

Boston, MA – Remember the thigh gap of 2013?

"Yawn. Have a carb, Chubbsy"

 

Boing Alert! WOOP WOOP! Boing Alert! Sound the Swimming Trunks Rocket Alarm! Welcome to 2014 (and beyond, and possibly forever) as we introduce the Bikini Bridge! There’s nothing quite like taking the family up to Good Harbor in Gloucester, paying $25 to park, and then pacing up and down the beach while your wife ponders seven possible spots to sit as you carry a cooler, two chairs, two towels, a 60-pound beach bag filled with SHIT, and two FUCKING umbrellas as you scan the ENTIRE beach for Milfs (and barely legals) in search of the ultimate Bikini Bridge. What is the Bikini Bridge, you ask? Well, look no further, but, look further by scrolling down.

p.s. If there’s a toll to cross the Bikini Bridge, I want to pay it with my tongue.

 

"I could shoot a jet for every strand of peach fuzz I see"

 

"Surf's not the only thing that's up"

 

"Peek-a-boo?"

 

"I haven't seen a flat chick since 2003"

 

"Uh oh, I spilled Panama Jack all over my privates as I watch you from a hole in your fence"

 

"If you HAD to hide a Junior Mint in someone's belly button, this would be the one."

 

"Her Bikini Bridge bump is bigger than my entire genitals"

‘Bama QB AJ McCarron’s Mom In Hot Water For “Racist” Tweet

Well I doubt it was French.

 

Yahoo:  AJ McCarron’s mom, Dee Dee Bonner, made it no secret she was rooting for Auburn in Monday night’s BCS National Championship and she had some not-so-kind words for Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston as he delivered his postgame speech.

I haven’t heard his speech, so I have no idea what she’s talking about.  Except for I’m an excellent guesser – I mean I am tremendous.  So I can guess what she’s referring to.  And I would guess that she’s not bigoted towards a particular race so much as towards uneducated college players reaching the pinnacle of college sports and getting an unwarranted free education (lol) out of it in the process.  She apologized for it (another lol), but before you decide, let me submit some evidence that you should take into account:

 

Exhibit #1:

 

 

HERE THEY ARE!

Exhibit B:

I dont know if you can tell but their cans fit together like legos.

 

Exhibit Finale:

ROLL

 

I rest my case.