We’ve been entered into the Chicago Tribune’s Tweet of the Week Contest! There are a lot of great tweets to read and vote for, and you can select more than one. Obviously, we would appreciate your vote, because there is nothing worse than finishing last in a contest you didn’t knowingly enter. And who knows, maybe we’ll win this thing and they’ll offer me a job doing a paper route.
Click on the tweet they selected below to see the poll:
Boston, MA – Chris Dutton, 11, of Melrose, MA was named valedictorian of The Chris Dutton Home School despite earning a sub-par GPA of just 1.3. Said his mom, Trish Dutton, who went to public schools and stayed back a few times: “We knew Chris was the right choice when it came time to name a valedictorian. Now, granted, he’s the only student in the entire school, and there are things he needs to work on, like his mathing, geographies, history, and shit like that, but there are some things he’s good at that’ll serve him very well in life. For example, he memorized every button on the Comcast remote, and was able to navigate around in the guide even though we had him blindfolded. We think he may have even hacked the parental codes, because someone accidentally rented “MILF Blaster 8: Still Blastin”, which coincidentally is my husband’s favorite genre of adult entertainment. That part won’t make it into this story, though, will it?”
Here is a breakdown of Chris’ grades and his mom’s notes where there may be areas of improvement:
Geography: (D+) Chris needs to work on his area codes, and norths and souths. Also, on the final exam, he was asked to name some famous mountains in the US, and he answered Space Mountain and Mountain Dew. When asked how many oceans we have, he thought the earth just had one big ocean, which is a pretty good point because they are all technically connected. He also said there were 57 states, which is wrong, so he’s either confusing that number with how many flavors Heinz offers, or, he just remembers his hero Barack Obama thinking there were 57 states in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpGH02DtIws
Math: (F) Chris is 100% reliant on Siri to do all of his math calculations at this point. He scored a perfect 100 on his basic math final, but when I took his phone away and re-tested him, he scored a perfect zero. He told me he won’t need to remember math in the future, and that he wants to be just like his dad when he grows up. So, to prepare him for that bleak, predictable, and monotonous future, we decided to turn his room into an exact replica of his dad’s cubicle.
Intangibles: (A) Chris excels in areas that don’t always show up in the grades, like making his bed and brushing his chompers. Also, he is already showing signs that he can make it in corporate America, such as smiling and nodding a lot, while gazing off into the distance. And, even though class starts at 9am sharp, just like a typical American employee, Chris spends the first 30 minutes of the day leaning against the counter in our kitchen, making inane chit chat like “the weekends are never long enough, are they” and “jesus, what are we using for coffee filters around here, an old pair of my Hanes?”
At the time of this blog, Chris has not written his valedictorian speech, but said it will be “kinda dope” and include some sick cheat codes to Fortnite.
Unless you have been living under a rock, or, barely living while intubated as doctors and nurses assist as you cling to life fighting off the coronavirus, you may have seen these images floating around the internet. If you have, and you’re like me, you probably thought “what the fuck is this?” I don’t even care if they are nipple rings, it’s just kind of weird to have an elected official walking around with what appears to be barbell style nipple rings while conducting government business. You’d think he would just put duct tape over it, kind of like guys (or former first ladies, allegedly) who have to tape down their big dicks. Instead, he’s like “Hello everyone, I’m here to talk about the global pandemic while my nipples and whatever might be piercing them sticks thru my shirt. I’ll be taking questions right after I read this speech that someone else wrote.”
It would seem to this self-employed, satirical journalist that those are nipple rings. The only other plausible explanation is that he somehow split his nipple in half in the worst paper cut accident of all time. How would that even happen?
Governor Cuomo: “Hey, throw me that manila folder, will ya?”
Staffer: “Are you sure you can catch it?”
Cuomo: “Throw me the fuckin’ thing.”
Staffer: “Well, I will, but you know how erratic they are once they’re airborne, they can be quite menacing. They zig when you think they’re going to zag, and you really can’t predict how..”
Cuomo: “Look, I don’t pay you to be a fucking physicist, I pay you to do whatever I say. THROW IT TO ME.”
Staffer: *throws envelope*
Cuomo: (reaches for the envelope as it zigs right, but at the last second it zigs left, and he’s shirtless for some reason. Kind of like Katie Hill. The thin edge of the envelope, no, not that edge, the thin thin one, comes down and slices his nipple in half) “OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH JESUS CHRIST THAT BURNS, HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY NIPPLE IS GUSHING BLOOD YOU FUCKING MORON I WILL HAVE YOU KILLED.”
Staffer: “I guess now would be a bad time to ask for that letter of recommendation?”
*Cue laugh tracks, roll credits*
The previous has been a dramatization. I feel great and am not suicidal.
A Florida man killed his girlfriend and her lover after bonding out of jail on a manslaughter charge — saying he “lost it” when he found them having sex in his Florida home, according to cops.
Kenyatta Bellamy, 50, left Osceola County jail last Tuesday after a year inside for failing to appear in court on a DUI manslaughter charge, Polk County Sheriff’s Office said.
Once out, he discovered that his girlfriend had moved another man into his home in Davenport while he was incarcerated.
Bellamy initially tried to calm himself by visiting his mom in Miami — but his “anger increased” when he couldn’t take a bus “due to the COVID-19 virus,” the sheriff’s office said.
On Friday — just three days after his release — he went to the house and “discovered them having sex so he ‘lost it,’ ” the sheriff’s office said of Bellamy’s alleged confession to officers.
“He used a hammer and a knife to kill the victims. They both have trauma consistent with those injuries,” the department said.
Autopsies will be held to determine the exact cause of deaths for the victims, neither of whom was identified.Bellamy then lit a fire in the bedroom, with the smoke leading to 911 calls that alerted officers to the bloodbath.
Bellamy previously lived in New York — with records showing numerous addresses in Long Island, including Bellport, Medford and Central Islip — and has a lengthy rap sheet here, the sheriff noted.
“We are still piecing together why, after spending almost a year in jail, he was allowed to bond out. This is an awful tragedy that should never have happened.”
The sheriff noted it is the “third separate event where he’s caused someone’s death.”
Bellamy faces two counts of first-degree murder, one count of attempted felony murder, one count of arson and one count of tampering with evidence. He was booked into Polk County Jail, the sheriff said.
Kenyatta Bellamy is obviously not an upstanding citizen by any stretch, but what choice did they leave him? He came home from being in prison and found this new dude and his girl doing the exact polar opposite of social distancing. Imagine coming thru the door and you’re like “honey, I’m home!”, and you just expect there to be a six foot perimeter around every other living being in the house, only when you open the door to the bedroom you find your girl doing reverse-housewife? That’s not the wonderful reunion I have pictured when daydreaming about the perfect prison homecoming.
There are just so many things to unpack here, for example, under what circumstances would you meet a chick and she’s like “well, I’m kinda single, with the exception of my boyfriend is upstate on a vehicular homicide charge. But don’t worry, he’s pretty chill”, and you still think “you know something, I believe this is someone I would really like to court.” I mean, one of my rules for dating women is “never date someone who has a former lover who is just counting down the days until they get out of prison, because the recidivism numbers don’t lie, and they are going to get even with someone, especially if they come home and you got your dick inside their girl.” I mean, that’s what happened here, this guy got out after 365 nights of just stewing in his own anger, and then he comes home and this is the thanks he gets? She didn’t even change the fucking locks? We have all been horny and boned and/or got boned by a few we probably shouldn’t have, but sometimes your dick just needs to know when it’s time to skip town. Also, call me a worry wart, but if that was me I would have been like “Look, this has been a very pleasurable time in my life, but according to my records, your soon to be ex-convict boyfriend will be returning home in *looks at Google calendar* holy shit, he gets out tomorrow! Well, I should be going.”
Quick sidenote, you got this cop saying “He used a hammer and a knife to kill the victims. They both have trauma consistent with those injuries.” Gee, redundant much? We got it the first time, Magnum PI, he used a hammer and knife to kill the victims. That pretty much sums it up, we weren’t on the edge our seats there like “hmm, he used a hammer and a knife to kill the victims, but how do we really know? Oh wait, here’s the next sentence, they both have trauma consistent with those injuries, so probably stab wounds and hammer strikes. Okay, this mystery has been solved.”
Finally, I’m obviously not saying it was right for this guy to kill anyone, I’m just saying you can probably imagine the rage he was feeling. Especially after that visit with his mother. Ugh. I’m not blaming her, either, but the last thing I think of when I need to blow off some steam is “you know what, I think instead of going out to do some blow and get a lapdance, I’ll pay a visit to, statistically speaking, one of the most annoying people we know in our lives.” You can almost hear it now:
Mom: “oh Kenyatta, when are you gonna settle down with a nice girl?”
NY Post– A 50-year-old man in India who mistakenly thought he had contracted the coronavirus hung himself to protect his family, a news report said.
K. Bala Krishna was treated by doctors in Tirupati for a viral fever but was assured he did not have the deadly disease that has killed more than 1,350 worldwide, according to the Times of India.
Despite the doctors’ assurances, Krishna began watching videos on the virus on his mobile phone and became convinced that he had been infected, the newspaper said.He feared he would put his family in harm’s way.
“My father watched coronavirus-related videos the whole day on Monday and kept saying he had similar symptoms,” his son, Bala Murali, told the Times.
“He attacked us when we tried to tell him that he did not suffer from the deadly disease.”Murali said he even called a government-sponsored helpline but was told there was nothing to worry about because his father had not recently visited China, the epicenter of the plague.
On Tuesday, Krishna locked his family in their home and went to his mother’s gravesite.By the time his family was able to notify neighbors to come to free them, Krishna had hung himself from a tree near his mother’s grave, the newspaper said.
This is a sad story coming out of India. If doctors told me I had the Coronavirus, I’d be like “well, that’s noose to me.” I’m only kidding, that was just a pun I had hanging around. Anyway, this guy K. Bala thought he had the Coronavirus, but it turned out to be a common cold. This speaks volumes to where we are as a society, relying on tech for answers to almost everything. He simply picked up his phone, watched some videos that probably weren’t sanctioned by any medical institutions, and self-diagnosed himself with the deadly disease. This is why I don’t go on WebMD and do searches for “are my lymph nodes swollen even though I don’t know where they are?” or use Groupons when it comes time to get a physical. You need to have a doctor you can trust, you don’t go online to see if you need chemo. Jesus Krishna.
With that being said, I don’t have any medical background to speak of. I do, however, have countless hours of watching acclaimed television shows such as “Dateline” and “Dexter”, so I may be the foremost, albeit unlicensed, authority when it comes to determining cause of death. And, after an extensive review of all the facts in this case, it is my determination that the only thing K. Bala tested positive for was rope.
Now, making matters worse is this whole thing about how he hung himself at the cemetery where his mom already had a grave. That was thoughtful, and man, oh man, in a perfect world, you’d just dig another hole and toss K. Bala in there, but, nope, that’s not going to fly, not even in India. They’re going to have to cut him down, take him to the coroners office to determine the cause of death (of which there are many spoilers above), then eventually return him back to the cemetery where he can be properly laid to rest. It actually speaks volumes about the kind of man he was, because not only was he saving his family from the coronavirus (really just had the sniffles, but he died believing he did), but he also wanted to save everyone the hassle of having to go to the funeral home, forking over the equivalent of $13,000 in Indian money for their “assistance with helping you grieve during this very difficult time”, and all the other itemized, billable shit that goes along with sending a loved one off into the afterlife. We have somehow turned that once graceful, yet painful ceremony of saying goodbye into one final, greedy corporate money grab. So, my hat’s off to K. Bala, he tried to do the right thing for his family, and he died knowing he didn’t spread the virus. The fact that he couldn’t possibly spread the disease due to the fact he didn’t have it is irrelevant. It’s just sad to know the whole thing could have been avoided with a hot cup of TheraFlu.
Please note, this post is not to belittle the seriousness of having the Coronavirus. If you are currently affected, I honestly wish you the best, even though there is a slight chance you won’t live long enough to finish reading and/or share this blog. As you go towards the light, would it kill ya to click a button and share one more thing on social media?
NY Post – Horrifying images show the moment an Indian man who had decapitated his wife paraded her head, waved to stunned onlookers and sang his country’s national anthem, according to a report.
Akhilesh Rawat, 30, and his wife of more than two years, Rajani, began an argument that turned violent Saturday – and he allegedly attacked her with a sharp-edged weapon, beheading her, the Hindustan Times reported.
Rawat walked for just under a mile in Uttar Pradesh, northern India, holding his 26-year-old wife’s severed head aloft before he was arrested near the Jahangirabad police station, according to the news outlet.
“We have recovered the weapon from the accused’s home,” police Superintendent Arvind Chaturvedi said.
Rawat faces a murder charge and a case of dowry death was filed against him on the complaint of the victim’s father. “A case has been registered against the accused. We are interrogating him to know as to how and why he killed his wife,” the police superintendent said.
Wow, it’s called “getting head”, not “taking head”, bro. This is obviously a sad story, but you have to hand it to Akhilesh, this is how you successfully move forward with an insanity plea. None of this “oh, I took the life insurance money and bought a BMW two days after my wife’s body was found, and now that I’ve been arrested for murdering her, I’d like to plead not guilty by reason of insanity” bullshit.
Let this be a lesson to people who are thinking about putting antifreeze in their spouse’s Gatorade. Not gonna fly anymore. I mean, yeah, if the goal is to kill them, that part’s still going to work, but you’re not going to get away with it. You want to kill someone and have a legit shot at pleading insanity and spending your life in a mental health facility and not being someone’s butt bitch in prison? You follow in the bloody footsteps of our boy, Akhilesh here. You hack off the head and then walk around town singing the national anthem. Although, I think it would have been a little more apropos for Akhilesh to sing Foreigner’s “Head Games.” I’m not trying to be vile here, but if you’re going to horrify onlookers (for life?) by walking around with the head, you at least want a couple of them to smirk and be like “ohhh, I get it, I see what you did there. Well played.”
Fortunately, the cops showed up and I guess from the picture it looks like they had to wrestle the head out of his hands. It appears like he had a pretty solid grip on it, almost like he was doing his impression of Perseus and Medusa. Anyway, we may never know where he was headed (did that on purpose), maybe he was on his way to a local bowling alley to see if he could use her noggin to pick up the dreaded 7 and 10 split.
These two people are leaving the United States because of white supremacy. Uh, okay. Well, the KKK has about 70 members remaining, and yeah, there are and always will be ignorant redneck hillbillies making atrocious comments. But, I’d like to think the other 350 million people currently residing here in the United States (not counting the fence hoppers, heyo) are fairly cordial to one another. Also, quick side note, I’m not sure how she can drink a Big Gulp with that collar thing on her neck.
In her recent comment to People Magazine, Mrs. Pacey said: “The racial dynamics over here are fraught,” Jodie Turner-Smith told The Times (via People). “White supremacy is overt. It’s the reason I don’t want to raise my kids here. I don’t want my kids to grow up doing active shooter drills at school.”
Well, that’s kind of two different issues. On the one hand, she doesn’t want to raise her kids here because of white supremacy. I’m not sure where they currently live, but I guess if there were a bunch of 8 year old motherfuckers walking into class wearing white hoods, carrying a cross soaked with kerosene or something, yeah, I’d probably consider moving, too. On the other hand, what the fuck do active shooter drills have to do with white supremacy? To my knowledge (granted, it’s not vast), I have yet to hear a story of a white supremacist shooter going into a school and saying “It’s okay, white kids, I’m just here for the black ones!”
So, it sounds like there is more going on here than just “oh, we’re moving because of white supremacy.” It almost sounds to me that they are talking about moving (to their publicists and other media outlets) by citing a few hot button reasons to remain somewhat relevant. How do I know this? How can I be so narrow-minded? Because if their goal is to move to Canada (which they have suggested), just have your staff pack your shit and move to Canada. Why tell People magazine? Why go thru the trouble of telling anyone, other than family, friends, and colleagues, that you’re leaving?
Anyway, I wish them the very best in Canada, where there is no racism whatsoever. In the meantime, let’s keep an eye on these two to see if they join the long list of numbnuts who said they are leaving the US for racial/Trump election reasons (i.e. Amy Schumer, Lena Dunham, Samuel L. Jackson, Miley Cyrus, Cher, and a bunch of other cunts but it would take all day to list them), and have YET to leave.
Why? Because the United States is BY FAR the best country on earth, and all of the others can suck our dicks. These two dickheads aren’t going anywhere, I know it, they know it, and now you know it.
p.s. If I’m wrong, one lucky reader will win the first season of Dawson’s Creek on DVD. (Disclaimer: DVD Player not included. Offer not valid in Hawaii, Alaska, or, ironically, Canada.)
Unless you have a been in a coma, you know that Ricky Gervais detonated a nuclear warhead on Hollywood during his monologue at the Golden Globes. Actually, I kind of wanted to sue them for false advertising, because I watched it for like three hours and not one time did they show Dolly Parton.
Anyway, here is Captain Trivia himself, James Holzhauer, dropping the dork hammer on this guy Brad. #PrayForBrad
Well, 2020 is off to a wonderful start. First, President Trump turned Qassem Soleimani into a piece of chicken fricassee, and now, Gwyneth Paltrow has released a new candle that smells like her pussy. What a time to be alive. And, the fact that she had her team develop a candle that supposedly smells like her vagina isn’t even the most absurd part. The truly preposterous thing here is that this candle retails for $75.
At first, I was like, why would I pay $75 for a pussy candle when I could just open up a few cans of Bumble Bee? This way, when people come over and they’re like “oh, wow, did Gwyneth Paltrow just do yoga in here, or did you light one of her pussy candles?” I could say “Well, I was going to buy one of her candles, but instead, I saved $72 by strategically placing a few cans of tuna around my house.” Of course, nothing can be that easy, because according to the product description, Gwyneth’s vag candle is “made with geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed to put us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth.” In other words, this candle smells like no vagina on earth.
If this isn’t your typical Hollywood delusion of grandeur, then I don’t know what is. Like, oh, not only is Gwyneth a gifted actor and business woman, but she also claims to naturally have a beautiful smelling vagina. I don’t believe that for a second, and neither should you. However, that won’t stop hundreds of thousands of sheep from clicking “buy now” on her site. (Editor’s Note: At the time of publishing this blog, the pussy candle is currently BACKORDERED on her site, Goop.com.)
With full transparency here, I don’t understand how the whole vagina thing works, but I’ve come across enough of them to know they don’t always smell that great. One time I was down there and politely looked up and asked “Excuse me, did your vagina recently eat a peanut butter sandwich on wheat?” Had the answer been ‘yes’, I would have continued on with my business, but since it was “no, why?”, I immediately went to the bathroom and gargled with shampoo.
Unfortunately, this could be the new trend coming out of Hollywood, where instead of just shilling a product like cologne or perfume (hello, Johnny Depp), parts of a celebrity’s body actually becomes the scent. Just think of the possibilities and imagine the smells of candles named after your favorite Hollywood luminaries, such as Denzel Washington’s “Taint”, The Dame Judy Dench’s “Labia”, Ed Asner’s “Yambag”, and for those on a budget, Charlie Sheen’s “Grundle.”
If you are somehow still interested in buying the pussy candle, please visit Goop! If you are somehow still reading this blog, please share it across all social networks, including LinkedIn.
Damn, egg-shaped? Epstein got an egg-shaped dick? LMAO. There’s an image for you. Dude invites/kidnaps you to his island, yawns, casually drops his robe, and this little oval shaped, hard-boiled is hanging there. I know he is the very personification of evil, but how do you not point at that and laugh at him?
If there’s good news to any of this saga, at least this minor detail, pun intended, brings some humorous closure to this piece of shit. The last thing any of us needed to know was that he had a candlepin for a dick.
As most of you are aware, in today’s society, people oftentimes use the eggplant emoji to represent the dick. Here’s an example of a text message a gentleman like myself may send:
“Hey honey, I’ll be home later, how about some 🍆 and some 💦?”
Whereas Epstein’s texts would be like:
“You are currently being held captive on my island. Meet me in the human sacrifice arena with the others. We’ll all be wearing goat masks and nothing else, but you will recognize me once you see my 🥚”
Unreal. Egg Dick. lol. I hope someone chisels that nickname on his shitty tombstone. “Here Lies Egg Dick Epstein. Managed a hedge fund no one ever invested in, somehow had a billion dollars, and was gifted a $70 million apartment in NYC by the CEO of Victoria’s Secret.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Important Note: ABC had initially broomed/buried this story, but, after being exposed by Project Veritas, I guess they decided to try and save face by airing it. If you take anything from this story, let it be that the mainstream media is evil, and also that from now on Jeffrey Epstein shall be referred to as Egg Dick.