"Hi, I masturbate in public!"
Boston, MA – A Revere man was arrested on the MBTA last night for allegedly making sexually obscene gestures at a 10-year-old girl then masturbating in front of her. Transit Police said Lopera Zuluaga, 52, boarded an outbound Blue Line train at Maverick Station and sat directly across from the victim. He began to make “inappropriate physical overtures directly at the young female,” according to a police report. Within minutes, Zuluaga allegedly began masturbating “while glaring” at the girl, police said, attempting to hide himself under a backpack. A woman noticed the activity, and began yelling, thereby drawing attention to Zuluaga who then attempted to flee. However, a man who had allegedly witnessed the incident tried to stop him from leaving the train, and a struggle ensued. Zuluaga allegedly fled the train at Revere Beach Station, but was arrested on Nahant Street near the intersection of Shirley Avenue. He was due to be arraigned today in Chelsea District Court for open and gross lewdness. Transit Police Superintendent-in-Chief Joseph O’Connor today commended T passengers for speaking up. “Our See Something, Say Something campaign applies to anything that people view as unusual. Not only important to our anti terrorism efforts, but it’s also important to the general, overall safety of the MBTA,” O’Connor said. “It’s very important that riders work with police so we can keep the MBTA as safe and secure as possible.”
Boston, MA, home of the Meat Pounder – Great, like Boston needed another reason not to trust guys with backpacks. Not only do we need trained dogs patrolling our various modes of public transportation to sniff out explosives, but now we need canines that can sense when “something is not right” as large amounts of blood rush into the groins of perverts. Now, please take a moment to look at your calendar. Ahhhh. Spring Time. The flowers started blooming, the birds begin chirping at 5:30am outside your bedroom window on a Saturday, and chronic masturbators emerge from their dwellings to launch Brogurt in public. When you really stop to think about it, just in terms of fresh air, isn’t Spring the perfect season for the Meat Pounder? I mean, if you had to pick one? You almost can’t blame Lopera Zuluaga. He’s been cooped up all Winter, slowly massaging probably countless amounts of boners, waiting very patiently for just the right day to ride the Blue Line and pound his meat in front of minors. With the exception of “he’s going to prison”, you’d have to consider that train ride to be a pretty good value with his $2 Charlie Card (or perhaps he had the $70 Link Pass for unlimited travel and self-pleasuring.)
Anyway, speaking of value, how much would you pay to have seen that struggle ensue? Think about this before you try to assign a dollar amount to it: A guy with Marty Feldman’s eyes, jerking off under a backpack, being chased down the platform with his hardon slapping side to side off his thighs, and getting arrested in front of hundreds of commuters? My number is $20 (or $59.99 on Pay-Per-View if a few of you wanted to split it.) I guess there are Good Samaritan’s out there, and you never really know how you’re going to react until a situation presents itself, but if I see a guy attempting to flee with his boner exposed, you know what? I’m going to go ahead and let him get his flee on. I’m gonna wait my turn to be a hero for something like a purse snatcher. Meanwhile, in court…
Judge: “On one count of Meat Pounding and using a backpack to disguise Trouser Jihad, how do you plead?”
Lopera Zuluaga: “Horny, your Honor. I plead very, very horny.”
(Thanks to Sully for the link)