Boston, MA – Another day, another politician telling you to live your life one way (i.e. in utter fear), while they live their life another way (stuffing their face with eggplant rollatini, drinking only the very best wines like Yellow Tail, and taking pictures, maskless and smiling, with the owner of the place, and then paying for it all using their per diem, which I think is latin for “with taxpayer money.”) In all fairness, when reached for comment, the mayor said she only took the mask off for a minute so she could take the meaningless picture with the owner, who I guess cherishes meeting famous people in his establishment. I know that before I decide between chicken parm or the veal chop, I like to scan the hallway of pictures for my favorite celebrity and then drill my waiter with endless questions about their experience. I once saw a Hulk Hogan autographed photo that said “To Olive Garden, From Hulk” but there were no other clues, like a dish recommendation or anything, so I just said to my waiter “I’ll have whatever Hulk had” and he goes “Yeah, I wasn’t here for that, so I have no idea bro.” Now, I’m not sure if I was upset because the staff hadn’t been instructed to always remember Hulk’s favorite dish for moments like this, or if I was still bent that we missed the $5.99 appetizer window that ends promptly at 5pm (it was 5:04!) Either way, something came over me and I stood up on my chair, held up my hand and did the classic Hulk Hogan finger point at the waiter, and then with my best Hulk impression I said “What are you gonna do when Hulkamania’s eggplant parm is running wild all over you?!” Both the waiter and my wife just looked at me in silence, and I sat back down, placed the dinner napkin in my lap like a gentleman, and quietly said “I will have the eggplant parm, please. The lady will have the endless salad and breadsticks.” (I was paying)
Oh, and quick side note about Hulk Hogan, yes, he did have sex with his friends wife and they videotaped it and it mysteriously made its’ way to the internet. Perhaps somewhat ironically, this was pre-Covid, so even though Hulk was not wearing a mask it’s interesting to note that his penis was.
Anyway, here is the Mayor’s tweet where she rightfully gets ratio’d to the moon. If you, like me, have endless time to read twitter while some company pays you to sit hunched over a laptop, I highly encourage you to read all the replies to her tweet.