neurontin onset of action

The Slap Heard ‘Round The World!

Let me set the stage for the best video you will see in 2014 (okay, yes, with the exception of porn.)

When: 4:15am

Where: A New York Subway

Why: Because we’re overpopulated

Promise that both Hilarity and Mayhem ensue?: Yes

This just goes to show that you can take the subway out of hood, but you can’t take the hood out of the subway.

 

 

 

Brazilian Trio Gets Sentenced To 63 Years After Being Found Guilty Of Making Delicious Empanadas Out Of Human Flesh

 

"If I've ever cooked dinner for you, be prepared to vomit."

 

DailyMail- A Brazilian man, his wife and his mistress have all been handed long sentences for killing two women and using their flesh to make meat pastries which they ate and sold. Jorge Beltrao Negromonte da Silveira was jailed for 23 years while his wife, Isabel Cristina Pires, and his mistress, Bruna Cristina Oliveira da Silva, each received 20-year terms. The defendants’ lawyers told reporters they would appeal the sentences. The three were arrested in the city of Garanhuns in April 2012, and police said they confessed to the crimes. At the time, they reportedly told police they belonged to a sect that preached ‘the purification of the world and the reduction of its population’. Officers said the trio lured women to their house by promising them a job as a nanny. It was said they then used the victims’ flesh to make thick empanada pastries, which were eaten by them and a child who lived with them. The pastries were also sold to some neighbours, schools and hospitals who were told they contained tuna or chicken, authorities said. Remains of the two women were found in the home’s backyard. Shortly after the three suspects’ arrest, police found a 50-page book written by Silveira entitled Revelations of a schizophrenic, in which he said he heard voices and was obsessed with killing women.

 

Boston, MA – Out of respect for Jorge Beltrao Negromonte da Silveira (jesus christ), and the fact we’re both prolific writers, I am not posting the pictures of his broads. They are absolutely destroyed, although the older gal looks like a go’er who would pull your root for a couple of bucks and some Tic Tacs. Remember, this is in Brazil, where the value of both the dollar and the mint go a long way. While I can certainly understand wanting to curb the population, during the time it took to roll out the dough, chop up all the body parts, fill the pastries, and then crimp the edges with a fork to give it that authentic, Brazilian empanada presentation, there were roughly 800,000 babies being simultaneously squirted out around the globe. So, sorry J-Bel, but that’s a classic population curb fail. Now, on the one hand, he’s hearing voices (who isn’t?) and is obsessed with killing women. On the other hand, and this speaks volumes to his business savvy, he realized it made more sense to hang onto these two skeezers to fold all those god damn pastries. See, despite his insatiable desire to just kill everyone, he put company first. Satisfy customers first, kill for pleasure second. Granted, not the best business model, but you can’t argue with the fact he had orders piling up all over the city.

The other thing that’s difficult to comprehend is that I guess the people of Brazil are easily duped when it comes to the flavor of tuna? Tuna only tastes like tuna, and nothing else does. So, you can’t hand me an empanada made with ground up hookers and go “Hey, enjoy your tuna.” I may not know it was human, but I know tuna when I taste it, and that human heart was no tuna.

Something to ponder: If you hold an El Paso taco shell up to your ear, can you hear the sounds of everyone in Garanhuns vomiting?

 

Woman Confesses To, Among Other Things, Being On “Team Little Dick”

Boston, MA – Monique Anderson has taken to the warm, welcoming confines of the internet to announce that she prefers a little dick over a big dick. Like, a lot. And, without really knowing it, she also forfeited any opportunity to ever run for public office or greet me with a kiss, but whatevs. Hey, she prefers small dicks, and, spoiler alert, she likes to go completely bananas on them. After watching this video, one can only imagine that her bj is like treating your tiny dick to an afternoon at Water Country.

Now, a few things to consider before watching the video:

1. Monique uses fairly colorful language, so viewer discretion is advised. I would rate this NC-17, unless you’re comfortable with your children hearing words/phrases such as “dicks”, “sucking on big dicks”, “I like to go nuts on a penis”, etc., with a couple of n bombs sprinkled in.
1b. Wear headphones
3. Despite being a YouTube sensation, Monique still hasn’t figured out where the camera is on her laptop.
4. How come there was no number 2?
2. There, happy now?

Breaking News/Boing Alert: Fergie Is BACK

"Ahem, my eyes are up here. Okay, now look back down at my album sellers."

 

Boston, MA (3,000 miles away from where this story takes place) – Fergie is back! With her baby body thankfully long gone, it’s finally time for this modern marvel of mammary wonders to get back to work. She has an entertainment career that includes, in no particular order; a solo act, frontwoman for the Black Eyed Peas, an acting career (well, cameos), a shoe line, a clothing line, a modeling career, and she’ll probably end up writing a fucking children’s book. She tours, she promotes, she goes to fan appreciation events (and most likely abhors it but that’s where the money comes from), she does daytime talk shows, late night talk shows, and really anywhere else you can go to shill more product. In other words, she is a tireless workaholic and can be an inspiration to women everywhere. Not only with her work ethic, but yes, okay you guys, fine, with those preposterous gravy bags.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion that was built on the blood, sweat, and tears it took to create her empire…

 

 

 

 

 

"Fucking Tad Hamilton"

 

Apple CEO Comes Out And Admits He’s Gay To The Core (Get It?)

Palo AltoApple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay for the first time. Mr Cook, 53, said he had been open with many people about his sexuality for years but wanted to maintain a level of privacy in the public sphere. However, in a first-person article for BloombergBusinessweek, he said he hopes coming out will inspire people to insist on their right to equality – and that is ‘worth the trade-off with my own privacy’. The declaration makes Mr Cook the highest-profile business CEO to have come out as being gay. Writing in Businessweek Mr Cook wrote: ‘Let me be clear: I’m proud to be gay, and I consider being gay among the greatest gifts God has given me.”

Boston, MA – If one of the greatest gifts of his life is when God gave Tim Cook his gayness, then one of the other great gifts must have been when Steve Jobs tried to cure his own cancer with carrots. Now, I am on the record as saying I am pro gay. If you read that too fast, it looks like I said I’m a gay pro. But no, I am simply for the gays. I am for the lesbians. I am also very much for two (or more) hot chicks pretending to be lesbians. However, I am not for two bros pretending to be gay, because you can’t pretend that. You really shouldn’t have another guy’s dick in your mouth unless you mean it, or, unless you weren’t big enough to defend yourself and were force-fed one as a boy scout. You get a pass for that. On second thought, the only time it’s okay to pretend to be gay is when you’re acting, but not in a gay porn. Even if you could stomach that footage for more than 3 seconds (okay, 45 seconds MAX), all you can think about the whole time is how the set must smell like gym mats and farts. Of course, there’s the Oscar nominated film “Brokeback Mountain” where two bros acted really good at being down with each other’s meat. However, if you watch the ‘uncut’ version, neither Jake Gyllenhall nor Heath Ledger are circumsized. Oh my goodness, did somebody just sound the gay cowboy pun alarm?! WOOP! WOOP!

In closing, congratulations to Tim Cook and other gay men and women around the world who stand up for equality.

#Respect #Coexist #Pride #iOS7DrainsMyFuckingiPhoneBattery

 

"iBone"

 

Dude Cuts Off Mom’s Head, Which Is Like, Totes Not Cool

 

(Photo Taken While Head Still Attached)

 

 

NEW YORK! – A college professor has been brutally beheaded by her mentally-ill son, who left her body in the middle of the street before taking his own life. Patricia Ward, 66, was a much-loved teacher of language arts for 28 years at Farmingdale State College, a colleague told MailOnline today. Vice President for Institutional Advancement, Patrick Calabria, said: ‘Patricia Ward was a member of the campus for 28 years. She was well-known, well-liked, and well-respected. The campus is a very sad place today.’  She was found by residents, decapitated in front of her apartment building in Farmingdale, New York on Tuesday night. Neighbors initially thought the body was part of a Halloween prank. The suspect, believed to be the victim’s son, Derek Ward, kicked her head 20 feet and then jumped in front of an oncoming Long Island Rail Road train minutes later.

 

Boston, MA – Well, first things first, this is obviously a pretty sad situation. To be honest, I don’t know how you kill your mother so close to Christmas when you know there are decent presents on the horizon. Well, Derek can all but forget about getting the PS4 now. All things considered (i.e. the beheading, neighbors finding the corpse, Derek fucking up the evening commute after getting obliterated by that train, etc.), there was a pretty satisfying ending to this story. See, we may never know what set him off, or why he felt it was necessary to put an exclamation point on this thing by trying to Bend It Like Beckham, but Derek did us all a favor by taking his own life. No insanity pleas, no despicable defense attorney blaming this on Ritalin, no nothing. Just good, old-fashioned justice.

Graphic Image Warning: The photo below shows the covered parts of the victim. If you are easily disturbed by images like this, just pretend you are looking at two really short ghosts.

 

Jihadist Bro Gets Caught Nailing A Donkey On Drone Cam

Well, this is the final straw. Let this message serve as a very terse warning to ISIS, and any of the other bad people out there (you know who you are.) You want to attack us on our modes of public transportation? Fine. You want to capture journalists who are trespassing on your land so they can sensationalize war footage in return for page views and advertising dollars? Fine. But I simply must draw the line at fucking donkeys. Not acceptable, Islamabro. I’ve read the Quran (well, I skimmed it), and nowhere does it say anything about having rodeo sex in the name of Allah.

Anyway, forget about Guerrilla warfare, this is Burrow warfare. We do you a favor by sending our troops over there to help you create a democracy (?), and the thanks we get in return is by your soldier’s trying to bang Eeyore’s cousin?! This is an absolute disgrace to all that is holy and sacred in the usual bloodshed and savagery that we’ve come to expect in regular war, and I for one am sickened.

The following is a dramatization of the audio from this smelliest of war crimes:

“Delta Bravo, this is Team Leader. Be advised, we have hostiles on your 6, repeat, we have hostiles on your….oh. oh, hold on a sec. You know what? Nevermind. I just zoomed in with my night vision, and it’s just an islamic terrorist getting his hee-haw on.”

 

 

p.s. Click Facebook “Like” if you think our drones should have vaporized him.

 

 

Dogs – 1, Complete Shit For Brains – 0

Boston, MA – Simply put, dogs are better than human beings. Humans are the WORST. In no particular order, here are some of the reasons to back that claim: Pollution, Greed (i.e. Forcing people to download iOS7 which saps your battery life to the point where you have no other choice but to buy the new phone), Racists, AUDI DRIVERS, The Real Housewives of (Insert Any City), Ray Rice, Chicks who don’t bone by date #2, People who stand at the edge of crosswalks and then when you stop to let them go they wave their arms like YOU did something fucking wrong, etc., etc., etFc….

Which brings us to downtown Pakighanistan, where this asshole in red Garanimals has decided to declare jihad on dogs. Well, spoiler alert, everything you’re really hoping will happen does happen. The dogs get off the leash and basically treat him like the world’s largest Beggin’ Strip.

p.s. I’m not trying to tell anyone how to run their society, but maybe if all the unemployed people standing around town square at high noon agreed to bend down and pick up one piece of trash each, and then deposit it in the nearest receptacle, maybe tourism would pick up and people would genuinely be interested in your Groupons.

 

Meat Pounder In The News!

"Hedgecock"

 

Boston.com – A homeless Level 3 sex offender was arraigned on child pornography possession charges on Monday, according to Attorney General Martha Coakley’s office. Mark W. Hedgecock, 43, was arraigned in Boston Municipal Court. He was arrested last Friday.

Hedgecock is accused of soliciting and collecting child porn through his email account. The AG’s office was tipped off by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, which discovered the email account. Investigators traced that account to HedgecockAccording to Hedgecock’s listing on the Massachusetts Sex Offender Registry Board website, he is homeless and lives close to Long Wharf. He’s been convicted of indecent assault and battery on a child under 14 years of age on three occasions: twice in 1998 and once in 2002. Hedgecock was held on $50,000 bail. Should he make bail, he’ll have to wear a GPS device and has been ordered not to interact with anyone under the age of 18.

 

Boston, MA – First things first, does anyone know if the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children is hiring, because I’ve been looking for an exciting new career that completely revolves around misery. Spoiler alert, Hedgecock isn’t making bail, but, lol at setting the bail amount anywhere beyond $16. A $50,000 bail for Hedgecock is like a $70 million bail for you and me. He’s homeless, he lives “close to Long Wharf” (which is the politically correct way of saying “under it”), and it looks like he cuts his own hair with broken glass. Now, I genuinely have compassion for the homeless, but, call me old-fashioned, I kind of draw the line at homeless sex offenders who solicit and collect child porn and then, not to get graphic, spend their afternoons masturbating on the couches in our libraries. Trust me, you do not want to be invited to join that book club. The real question is, why do so many sex offenders oftentimes re-offend (and then re-offend some more)? Oh, I know, it’s because we haven’t put them to death. Vote for Martin Munson as the next Governor of Massachusetts and together we will round up each and every sex offender and beat them to death with clawhammers on Boston Common. My name is Martin Munson, and I approve that run on sentence.

p.s. Nice to see the cops let Hedgecock go to the Men’s Wearhouse $99 suit sale before taking his mugshot.

 

Meat Pounder In The News!

 

"Not Camping. Not now. Not ever."

 

EAST SANDWICH — An East Sandwich man working as substitute teacher and camp counselor is facing child pornography possession charges after his arrest Thursday. Bryce Garner, 22, works at a hotel, but also part time as a substitute teacher, baby sitter and camp counselor for the Boy Scouts of America, according to a statement from the U.S. Department of Justice. A 2012 report from the town of Sandwich lists a Bryce Garner as earning $2,310 as a substitute teacher. A message left with the Department of Justice’s Project Safe Childhood was not returned Friday night.

Undercover police in Oklahoma City allegedly found Garner using a file-sharing website to share child pornography, according to the statement. When a search warrant was served Thursday, “an unrelated 14-year-old boy that Garner had previously baby-sat was found visiting the home since earlier that week,” according to the statement. The Justice Department says that Garner admitted he had possessed child pornography. If convicted, Garner faces a maximum of 20 years in prison, a possible lifetime of supervised release and a $250,000 fine, according to the statement.

Boston, MA – Well, if reading this story doesn’t make your asshole pucker in perfect tempo with your heartbeat, then nothing will. I’ll give Bryce Garner credit for this, he applied for and ONLY accepted jobs that were right in his libidos wheelhouse. A substitute teacher, a baby sitter, and the creme de la creme for dudes who like to pop wood to kids, a camp counselor for the Boy Scouts of America. You’d honestly have to be completely void of all common sense to ship your kid off to Boy Scouts camp at this point. I mean, what’s the rationale? “Hey, me and your mom want some ‘alone’ time this summer, so, we’re sending you into the woods with grown men who openly acknowledge they like spending their spare time with kids. Sweet dreams, here’s a buck knife.” Anyway, say goodbye to Bryce Garner, and his very soon to be popped ass cherry. I read somewhere that he may only do 7 years, but, let’s face it, in prison time that’s like 63 in asshole years. That’s the one really, really bad thing about prison. Hey, playing cards, having access to vending machines, and seeing how many times you can jack off before chow hall sounds pretty good, but at the end of the day, literally, there is a giant dick that doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer waiting for you. And, quite frankly, it is the aforementioned big dick that makes me think twice about robbing a Santander.

#KillAllPedophiles

Golf + Cocaine = Lower Scores!

 

Boston, MA – By now, you probably heard that Dustin Johnson is taking a 6 month break from the PGA Snore. Rumors of drug use, and not to mention (but to mention) putting his penis where it doesn’t belong quickly surfaced on the internet and social media. It will probably surface in newspaper format as well, which means elderly/irrelevant people will be finding out about it tomorrow. Quick note: It is taking every fiber of my being (literally, my testicles are slowly tightening as you read this) to not drop puns all over the place. Was there a perfect opportunity to say Dustin Johnson is ‘taking a powder’? Yes. But, did I? Well, yes, but I hesitantly and reluctantly walked us both into it.

Anyway, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: If I suddenly became rich and famous, I would be dead within two weeks. You know why celebrities are always getting caught up with drugs and alcohol? Because drugs and alcohol are both awesome. Yeah, addiction is bad, and so is domestic violence, but everything leading up to those two is pretty dandy. Here are a couple of scenarios to imagine if you were fortunate enough to be invited to my mansion:

You: “Martin, is it me, or, does it smell a little bit like pot in here?”

Me: “It’s not you. If it does smell like pot in here, that’s probably because everything in this room is made out of marijuana. See?” (punches a hole in the wall, grabs a fistful of dope, stuffs it into a bowl the size of something typically reserved for serving fruit punch, and hands you the bong)

You: “But…but…I…don’t..”

Me: “Smoke it.”

You: “o….kay.”

(Puffs. Lights go out on your entire life, and when you wake up, it’s Autumn.)

Given that you and I have now used this evil gateway drug as a springboard to exotic drugs, and eventually our deaths, here’s another scenario I’ll give you:

Me: “Welcome to my party, make yourself at home, I hope you brought your swim trunks, we have plenty of food and drink, feel free to watch a movie in the theater, then go down the new water slide, did you have any trouble finding the place, who are your friends, what is your name, what year is it, sorry if it seems like I’m a little all over the place, but I’ve been awake for 700 hours and the closest I’ve come to exercising is alternating nostrils to snort coke.”

But, Martin, in getting caught up with all the distractions of fame and fortune, you forgot to mention the lifetime supply of blowjobs. No, I most certainly did not. Along with all the money and coke comes, you guessed it, the never-ending head. What I haven’t quite figured out yet is how I’d hide a woman that was kneeling in front of me in public for eternity. Like, would I just stand in front of a box that a washer and dryer comes in, waving at passerby, going “Morning! Don’t mind me, just getting a little tune-up!”, or would I low-rent it and simply throw a sheet over her? See, I don’t have all the details mapped out yet, but let’s just say it would be very difficult for your family to have me over as a dinner guest.

You: “Martin, would you kindly pass the salt and pepper?”

Me: “Can’t right now, climaxing.”

Speaking of people who know a thing or two about receiving bj’s, I almost feel like Derek Jeter’s Hall of Fame speech should include a little footnote about how it’s been 20 long, grueling seasons since the last time his peener was dry. And, now speaking of that mausoleum, you couldn’t pay me to go to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Oooh, let me go sniff Babe Ruth’s glove. Hey, there’s the shirt Ty Cobb used to wear when he’d beat the shit out of his wife after a loss. One cool thing is that I’m pretty sure if you rang out Mickey Mantle’s jock strap, you could still produce a half shot of whiskey, but, get the fuck out of here with that museum shit.

In closing, if watching a guy hit a ball over a fence for the 9 millionth time helps you forget, for just one magical moment, that you are an OUI away from financial ruin, then more power to you.

Munson, out.

(Disclaimer: Wicked Improper not responsible for your new or rekindled desire to snort cocaine)

Bob Costas Has A New Favorite Band (not to mention, Conjunctivitis)

Sochi, Russia, Home of the 2014 Winter Games and Political Corruption (well, they are in 2nd place, right behind Boston) – How does Bob Costas keep his shit together when mentioning the band “Pussy Riot”? I watched this video again and again, and it appears as though he’s going to crack, but he doesn’t. That’s what sets the truly great teleprompter readers of our time apart from all the others. Bob Costas just put all the other low-level teleprompter readers on notice: If you want your preposterous paycheck, you sit in front of the camera, and you read the god damned words. Costas, out.

 

 

Here’s Bob Costas saying “Pussy Riot” on an endless loop while his dead eyeball leaks goop all over the anchor desk. Won’t you please share it?

 

A Picture Tells A Thousand Meals

While you and I sit in a cubicle, these two dickheads are on yet another reality show on TLC. This time, the show is titled “Would Someone Please Put An APB Out On My Dick?” Just kidding, it’s called ”My 600 Pound Life”, and what better way to tell the rest of the world that you have absolutely nothing going on other than by paying attention to this bullshit? Anyway, what’s worse, having your picture taken when it looks like you have a Manatee in your sweatpants, or, wearing a necklace that will eventually choke you to death while you re-heat leftovers?

Which Picture Is Worse?

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Anyone Have Any Advice? Red’s Getting A Tattoo

Chime in with cool ideas for a new tattoo. For reference, skulls, guns, skeleton roosters, and huge breasted female pirates (the most dangerous of all pirates) are all fair game. I’m willing to get funky, but to be honest, something like this might be a little aggressive for my tastes:

 

 

It happens guys. This happens.

 

 

Introducing Our Cunt Of The Week! (It’s Not At All What You Think)

Some of those caps must be bobby pinned on fcs.

 

 

KCRA-TV: A California Little League Baseball coach who suffered a torn Achilles tendon is suing one of his former players for throwing his helmet during a game-ending celebration.  The kid is 14 years old.  But that isn’t stopping Alan Beck from suing the child and Little League Baseball for $500,000 in pain and suffering in addition to another $100,000 in lost wages and medical bills.  Paris’ son allegedly tossed his helmet while scoring the winning run in a game this past spring, and the equipment struck and tore Beck’s Achilles tendon.

 

I’m actually going to call it a toss up (TOSS UP!!!) between Alan and his lawyer - who WITHOUT QUESTION put him up to it- who had a gem of a quote:

 

“He is a good guy who was volunteering his time and now he’s in a wheelchair. Who’s the victim here?” Beck’s cunt faced vampire attorney, Gene Goldman, told KCRA. “This wasn’t part of the game. To have someone throw a helmet in that manner, you just don’t do that.”

 

Ahem, everyone does that.  I mean, EVERYONE.  Well, not me – I respected the game.  But literally everyone else on the planet threw their bat, threw their helmet, threw their cup in the air, whatever.  It’s an entire sport built around tossing a ball around.  Things get thrown, better keep your fucking eyes open, jackass, or you’re going to catch something in your eyeball.

You know what I really hated?  Guys who wore their baseball hats over the backs of their heads, leaving tufts of hair popping out the front like Hermie from the Rudolph movie.  Fucking wear your hat like it was meant to be worn: Covering your entire head of hair, not too low, not too high, just the right amount of bend to the bill, but jesus christ not too much bend.  Goes without saying that I do not approve of today’s flat bill ridiculousness.  Flat billed baseball hats are preposterous.  Also I did not approve of guys who would casually bump the the bill of their batting helmet as they were running the bases, thus popping their helmet off as if they were running so fast – so hard – that the helmet flew off mid stride.  Unacceptable.

 

 

Update From The AVN Awards

Ughhhh, I had the longest day of work here at the Hard Rock Hotel. People always ask me, “Martin, how do you control your boners when you’re surrounded by porn stars?” and the answer is simple: I wear three pairs of underpants. If that still doesn’t work, I simply think about Katie Couric.

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