Good morning from the UK! No gun? No problem! These guys basically fight to almost the death here in broad daylight the good, old fashioned way: with machetes! We’re not sure what transpired prior to this fight, but some interesting takeaways of note:
– I have no idea where to buy a machete
– I don’t even know anyone who owns a machete
– This guy is bleeding from his jugular, and casually walks over to his friend like “ho hum, can I borrow your machete for a bit?”
– Be careful who you piss off because some people are not afraid of dying and/or killing you first.
(The following is an excerpt from Hunter Biden’s new book “Beautiful Things” released in book stores everywhere. Oops, those are all closed due to Covid, and the fact that brick and mortar bookstores and libraries are soon to be history all thanks to Amazon. So, just buy it at Amazon.)
Hey, what’s up, it’s me, Hunter Biden. You know my dad, Joe Biden. And you know me from the news and stuff. People mostly know me for all the coke I do, but there’s more to me than just the guy who you picture doing rails off of Abe Lincoln’s nightstand. Maybe you know me from the pictures of my dong they released on the internet, which is cool. It wasn’t like my bare dong, though, it was jammed into my boxer briefs and let’s just say you didn’t have to zoom in to see I had a half-rager. Other stuff you know me from is when my dad (Joe Biden) was able to get my foot in the door with a company in Ukraine and a few others in a few other countries. It’s cool. The paychecks continue to come in even though I don’t have to really, you know, work work. It’s kind of like, having a job, but not having a job, ya know? Like, the best parts of the job still happen (getting paid) but the worst parts don’t (showing up and having to do mundane shit.) One time at my Ukraine job, I guess some shit happened, so my dad Joe Biden stepped in and said to Ukraine like “if you don’t fire the prosecutor, you’re not getting the billion dollars.” Some people say that was committing extortion on live television, and how could someone be so stupid to do that, but I don’t know, man, all I know is it’s cool to have a dad who has your back. I guess they wanted the billion dollars, because they did fire the prosecutor, who just so happened to be investigating the company that was paying me $80,000 a month for my vast experience in energy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. And I guess the billion dollars was like, what, taxpayer money? Who knows, though, and at this point, to quote Hillary Clinton “what difference does it make?” lol. As for my personal life, I’m married now to the love of my life. No, not that one, this other one I knew was the one after a six day courtship. What can you do, the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes so does the bone. The bone also knows what it wants, like the time the bone wanted my dead brother’s widow. Life is weird, man. When you make love to your sister in law it’s like “hey, I would say let’s not make this weird, but this is fuckin’ weird, dude.” Anyway, thanks for buying this book. If sales don’t go well, that’s okay, because I got a huge advance and I get to keep the money even if we only sell four copies. Life is cool. If you get the chance, you should totally publish the memoirs of your family for a shitload of money.
Jeffrey Spaide fatally shot his neighbors, James Goy and his wife, Lisa Goy, before killing himself on Monday morning. Surveillance video revealed that Spaide and the Goys were involved in disputes before the deadly encounter, prosecutors said.
The video shows that the Goys shoveled snow from their parking spots, pushed it across the street and threw it onto Spaide’s property. After Spaide asked the couple to stop throwing snow onto his property, the neighbors got into an argument where they appear to have exchanged obscene gestures and expletives.
Prosecutors said James Goy threatened Spaide and cocked his fist, prompting Spaide to retreat into his home and return outside with a pistol.
While the Goys acknowledged he had a gun, prosecutors said they continued to shout names at him from the middle of the street. Spaide opened fire and shot the Goys before returning to his home to get another gun to deal the killing blow, according to prosecutors.After killing his neighbors, Spaide went back inside his home where he shot himself as police pulled up to the scene, prosecutors said.
Boston, MA – This is definitely a sad situation all around, and obviously, murder-suicide is never the answer, but if we can remove ourselves from the senseless bloodshed that took place for a moment, I do have to ask this question: What the hell were the Goys doing? According to the video, they “pushed the snow across the street and then onto Spaide’s property.” wtf is that? Everyone knows you should just push it into the street, leaving it for those assholes in the DPW to plow in front of your driveway again. Not only did they shovel their property, they went full beast mode into the street like “fuck it, let’s keep going and dump it all in Jeff’s yard. Fuck him.” They clearly had an issue with Jeff Spaide and were sending some kind of weird, snow-related message, like “hey Jeff, they were calling for 8 inches of snow but we wanted you to have 16.” I mean, imagine being Jeff Spaide for a second, you’re just looking out the window like “oh shit, I’m gonna have to shovel later on…hey, what the fuck?” as you see the Goys piling snow into your driveway.
Now, this is where things get a little dicey, because Jeff goes down there probably to ask the same question any of us would ask, which is “excuse me, what the fuck are you doing?” Even though Jeff simply asked them to stop, they apparently got into an argument and exchanged swears and obscene gestures, but what does that even mean? The middle finger isn’t considered obscene any more, so maybe the Goys were making the jerkoff motion, or who knows, Jeff could have pointed at Mrs. Goy and made the universal sign for hey here is my dick going in and out of your mouth. Either way, things escalated from there and Mr. Goy cocked his fist, which, good on him, would have been taken seriously back in the 1950’s. Unfortunately for Mr. Goy, Jeff was packing multiple heats back at his place, and went to retrieve his gun(s). Well, this is kind of like our blog from last week where that guy went cuckoo because his chicken wings were taking too long, because once someone appears like they’re going to get a gun, it is time to run for your life.
Now, I’m not picking sides, because there were no winners, but here is where I feel like the Goys made yet another mistake. Jeff came back with a gun as promised, which, according the article, the Goys “acknowledged.” Now, I’m not sure how you acknowledge when someone has a gun, but here’s how I do it: “HOLY FUCKING SHIT! THAT GUY HAS A GUN RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!” Not the Goys! They casually continued with the name calling and taunting from the middle of the street. It turns out that Jeff was a pretty good shot, because while the storm was going on and everything, if I’m reading between the lines, he was able to wound both and left them laying in the street. Then he went back to his place to get yet another gun (probably a shotgun) and came back to finish the Goys off once and for all. Most of us will never know the sickening feeling of taking a human life/lives, but there is probably an indescribable wave of nausea that washes over you as you realize you’re a murderer now and people are going to talk negatively about you on Facebook. Oh, and also that you’re going to spend the rest of your life in prison.
Like I said, no winners in this one, let’s just try to be good neighbors to one another and everyone calm the fuck down. Thanks. Oh, and it wouldn’t surprise me if a Keller Williams vampire hasn’t already put “For Sale” signs up at these two properties.
HOUSTON, Tx — On Thursday, deputies responded to a disturbance at the WingStop located in the 2500 block of FM 1960 Road. Witnesses said the suspect fled in a vehicle.Responding Constable Deputies quickly located the vehicle nearby and conducted a traffic stop. The driver was identified as Tommye Nichols and was found to be in possession of a firearm.
Deputies say Tommye Nichols became upset due to his food not being ready and threatened to shoot everyone at the business. Witnesses said he walked to his car and retrieved a handgun and returned to the business, demanded his food and his money back and continued to make threats.
Boston, MA – Damn, this dude hungry. Also, this dude have massive rage issues, but, that’s the me-me-me “I want everything right now” society we’ve created, so now we all get to live in it. I guess my idea of a disturbance is different than the cops, because a disturbance to me is when a raccoon goes thru your garbage, not when someone threatens to kill a roomful of innocent bystanders. The thing is, if we’re being honest with ourselves, we’ve all been Tommye Nichols at one point or another. You’re hungry, you want your chicken wings, you place the order, and really anything beyond two minutes at a fast food joint and it’s like “what the FUCK is going on back there?” I mean, it’s wings, it’s hot oil, you drop the wings in the oil and they come out in the same amount of time you would expect from a Pop Tart, it’s not that hard. But then, we’ve all been people who work IN a place like the Wing Stop, and it’s one high or drunk asshole after the other, somehow looking down their nose at you even though their own miserable life and poor decisions brought them here in the first place. So, you can kind of understand the workers being like “we’ll get to it when we get to it”, and I suspect this attitude will continue even after they get a preposterous pay hike to $15 an hour.
Oh, and hey, this might come across as kind of a public service announcement, but here’s a little suggestion for the future: If someone becomes so unraveled over a miniscule issue like a tardy order of chicken wings, and they threaten to go out to their car to retrieve a gun so they can come back in and kill everyone? That’s usually a good indication it’s time for you to run for your fucking life. Even if there’s a door with a sign that says “Employees Only”, you can pretty much ignore every day rules when you’re about to be murdered, so go right ahead and cut thru the kitchen. Take me, for example, I would have picked up an occupied baby stroller and thrown it thru a plate glass window to make my escape. I can tell you right now that I would not have stuck around to be a witness for this story, I mean, how does that even happen:
Witness 1 (waiting for wings): “hey, did you hear that guy screaming about how he was going to kill everyone in here because his buffalo wings weren’t ready?”
Witness 2 (also waiting for wings, but also looking at their phone): “whut? oh, yeah, bro has no chill.”
Witness 1: “Well, not only does he have no chill, but it looks like he’s getting something shiny out of the trunk of his car rn. oh hey, wow, do you think that’s the gun he was threatening us about a few minutes ago?”
Witness 2: “bro, I was going to get the Carolina Reaper sauce on my wings, but last time I had those here, I took a wet hot dump that felt like a magician was pulling thirty handkerchiefs out of me. So, I ended up with the ghost pepper sauce, but like, what even are ghost peppers, are those like jalapenos that have died? lol. Anyway, what were you saying about being threatened with senseless murder?”
Summary: Tommye Nichols was arrested and his bond was set at $60,000, or, roughly the equivalent of 120,000 breaded chicken tenders (sauce not included.)
To any of our readers in Houston, be on the lookout for this motherclucker:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to Lisa Montgomery, who is dead now thanks to good ol’ capital punishment. Her crime? Well, she basically posed as someone who was going to purchase a dog, and when she got there, she strangled the breeder and then used a knife to cut open her stomach and stole the unborn child. Actually, I guess once you come out of there, whether it’s a natural birth, a c-section (stands for caesarean and not the other c), or extraction via Ginsu knife, you’re technically born now whether you like it or not. Of course, this story is from the NY Times, so they used it as yet another opportunity to make it about ol’ Double Impeacho himself, Donald Trump. I mean, this is how the article starts:
“The Trump administration early Wednesday morning executed Lisa M. Montgomery, the only woman on federal death row, whose death marked the first federal execution of a woman in nearly 70 years.” In other words, if you read nothing else, the first paragraph basically says “Trump executed a woman.”
Of course, her attorney and some other assholes (but, I repeat myself) tried to get this bitch off because she had a fucked up childhood. Welcome to the club. Anyway, they confirmed she had a mental illness (gee, ya think?), and thought, you know what, Trump’s having a grand ol’ time at the White House, why don’t we call him to see if he’d like to release a psychopath back into the wild? (Spoiler but not really because you already know she’s dead: Trump said no thanks bruh)
The good news is, Trump has a bit of an impressive hot streak going, and has already executed eleven people (not counting all the terrorists that he got no credit for) during his presidency, and there are two more on the way before he walks out of the White House with his blankie and lunchbox. Corey Higgins and Dustin Higgs are lined up to be smoked this Friday, but guess what, true story, they delayed the executions because both of them have Covid-19. Yes, you read that right, they are not killing these two pieces of shit because they have the virus. I don’t know, you’d think you’d want to just kill them immediately before they have the chance to spread it around? It would be kind of funny if the warden was like “We’re all in this together. Except for those two, take them to the electric chair.”
I know this sounds a little heartless, so I will admit, there are times that the wrong person has been imprisoned/put to death, and that’s a bummer dude. More often that not, they have the right person, and that’s good enough for me. Also, something to keep in mind as you do 23 and Me or Ancestry.com, is they now have your DNA on file and it would take them two seconds to frame you for a murder. They could easily plant some of it on the murder weapon, or shoot it all over a dead hooker’s back, you don’t know. All I know is, whenever DNA evidence is introduced in court, this typically spells bad news for the defendants I’ve seen on reruns of Matlock.
Quick side note: People always talk about what their last prison meal would be, some people say pizza, baked stuff lobster, etc. , but not me. For my last meal, please bring me a pillow case filled with magic mushrooms and put on some Allman Brothers.
Happy New Year! If you were just sitting there having a mood like “you know what, I’d love to see a racist piece of shit take a 16oz. can of Twisted Tea to his face at immeasurable velocity, but I also want him to live long enough to accept seven punches”, then this is the video for you. This video is kind of like a Lay’s Potato chip, in that no one can have just one. You simply have no choice but to watch it repeatedly, and if someone has the technical ability to splice the video so the can smashes this cracker’s face on a loop, kind of like when Marcia Brady dreams about that basketball smashing Carol’s favorite vase over and over, I am here for it. But, instead of looping “don’t play ball in the house!”, make the audio into “don’t call the huge black guy at the 7-Eleven the n word!”
Probably the most puzzling thing about this video, besides the fact that meth head somehow didn’t die, is the part where he says “I’m not trying to disrespect you” and then starts dropping the n word like it’s hot (it isn’t.) That is literally the opposite of not disrespecting someone. And you know what, we could probably just blame the public school system for his poor English comprehension. It just goes to show that some people learn one way (i.e. reading books, listening to a teacher, looking at a chalkboard, etc.), and some people learn another way, like from real life experiences, such as blunt force trauma to their face. All it took for this guy to learn today’s lesson was having his face get nuked by a soft drink, and I guarantee you he will never use that word again.*
Honorable Mention: Shout out to the cashier who stands there absolutely stone faced, as if it’s second nature to end a shift by mopping blood and drawing chalk outlines around a customer’s dead body.
We’ve been entered into the Chicago Tribune’s Tweet of the Week Contest! There are a lot of great tweets to read and vote for, and you can select more than one. Obviously, we would appreciate your vote, because there is nothing worse than finishing last in a contest you didn’t knowingly enter. And who knows, maybe we’ll win this thing and they’ll offer me a job doing a paper route.
Click on the tweet they selected below to see the poll:
Boston, MA – Chris Dutton, 11, of Melrose, MA was named valedictorian of The Chris Dutton Home School despite earning a sub-par GPA of just 1.3. Said his mom, Trish Dutton, who went to public schools and stayed back a few times: “We knew Chris was the right choice when it came time to name a valedictorian. Now, granted, he’s the only student in the entire school, and there are things he needs to work on, like his mathing, geographies, history, and shit like that, but there are some things he’s good at that’ll serve him very well in life. For example, he memorized every button on the Comcast remote, and was able to navigate around in the guide even though we had him blindfolded. We think he may have even hacked the parental codes, because someone accidentally rented “MILF Blaster 8: Still Blastin”, which coincidentally is my husband’s favorite genre of adult entertainment. That part won’t make it into this story, though, will it?”
Here is a breakdown of Chris’ grades and his mom’s notes where there may be areas of improvement:
Geography: (D+) Chris needs to work on his area codes, and norths and souths. Also, on the final exam, he was asked to name some famous mountains in the US, and he answered Space Mountain and Mountain Dew. When asked how many oceans we have, he thought the earth just had one big ocean, which is a pretty good point because they are all technically connected. He also said there were 57 states, which is wrong, so he’s either confusing that number with how many flavors Heinz offers, or, he just remembers his hero Barack Obama thinking there were 57 states in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpGH02DtIws
Math: (F) Chris is 100% reliant on Siri to do all of his math calculations at this point. He scored a perfect 100 on his basic math final, but when I took his phone away and re-tested him, he scored a perfect zero. He told me he won’t need to remember math in the future, and that he wants to be just like his dad when he grows up. So, to prepare him for that bleak, predictable, and monotonous future, we decided to turn his room into an exact replica of his dad’s cubicle.
Intangibles: (A) Chris excels in areas that don’t always show up in the grades, like making his bed and brushing his chompers. Also, he is already showing signs that he can make it in corporate America, such as smiling and nodding a lot, while gazing off into the distance. And, even though class starts at 9am sharp, just like a typical American employee, Chris spends the first 30 minutes of the day leaning against the counter in our kitchen, making inane chit chat like “the weekends are never long enough, are they” and “jesus, what are we using for coffee filters around here, an old pair of my Hanes?”
At the time of this blog, Chris has not written his valedictorian speech, but said it will be “kinda dope” and include some sick cheat codes to Fortnite.
Unless you have been living under a rock, or, barely living while intubated as doctors and nurses assist as you cling to life fighting off the coronavirus, you may have seen these images floating around the internet. If you have, and you’re like me, you probably thought “what the fuck is this?” I don’t even care if they are nipple rings, it’s just kind of weird to have an elected official walking around with what appears to be barbell style nipple rings while conducting government business. You’d think he would just put duct tape over it, kind of like guys (or former first ladies, allegedly) who have to tape down their big dicks. Instead, he’s like “Hello everyone, I’m here to talk about the global pandemic while my nipples and whatever might be piercing them sticks thru my shirt. I’ll be taking questions right after I read this speech that someone else wrote.”
It would seem to this self-employed, satirical journalist that those are nipple rings. The only other plausible explanation is that he somehow split his nipple in half in the worst paper cut accident of all time. How would that even happen?
Governor Cuomo: “Hey, throw me that manila folder, will ya?”
Staffer: “Are you sure you can catch it?”
Cuomo: “Throw me the fuckin’ thing.”
Staffer: “Well, I will, but you know how erratic they are once they’re airborne, they can be quite menacing. They zig when you think they’re going to zag, and you really can’t predict how..”
Cuomo: “Look, I don’t pay you to be a fucking physicist, I pay you to do whatever I say. THROW IT TO ME.”
Staffer: *throws envelope*
Cuomo: (reaches for the envelope as it zigs right, but at the last second it zigs left, and he’s shirtless for some reason. Kind of like Katie Hill. The thin edge of the envelope, no, not that edge, the thin thin one, comes down and slices his nipple in half) “OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH JESUS CHRIST THAT BURNS, HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY NIPPLE IS GUSHING BLOOD YOU FUCKING MORON I WILL HAVE YOU KILLED.”
Staffer: “I guess now would be a bad time to ask for that letter of recommendation?”
*Cue laugh tracks, roll credits*
The previous has been a dramatization. I feel great and am not suicidal.
A Florida man killed his girlfriend and her lover after bonding out of jail on a manslaughter charge — saying he “lost it” when he found them having sex in his Florida home, according to cops.
Kenyatta Bellamy, 50, left Osceola County jail last Tuesday after a year inside for failing to appear in court on a DUI manslaughter charge, Polk County Sheriff’s Office said.
Once out, he discovered that his girlfriend had moved another man into his home in Davenport while he was incarcerated.
Bellamy initially tried to calm himself by visiting his mom in Miami — but his “anger increased” when he couldn’t take a bus “due to the COVID-19 virus,” the sheriff’s office said.
On Friday — just three days after his release — he went to the house and “discovered them having sex so he ‘lost it,’ ” the sheriff’s office said of Bellamy’s alleged confession to officers.
“He used a hammer and a knife to kill the victims. They both have trauma consistent with those injuries,” the department said.
Autopsies will be held to determine the exact cause of deaths for the victims, neither of whom was identified.Bellamy then lit a fire in the bedroom, with the smoke leading to 911 calls that alerted officers to the bloodbath.
Bellamy previously lived in New York — with records showing numerous addresses in Long Island, including Bellport, Medford and Central Islip — and has a lengthy rap sheet here, the sheriff noted.
“We are still piecing together why, after spending almost a year in jail, he was allowed to bond out. This is an awful tragedy that should never have happened.”
The sheriff noted it is the “third separate event where he’s caused someone’s death.”
Bellamy faces two counts of first-degree murder, one count of attempted felony murder, one count of arson and one count of tampering with evidence. He was booked into Polk County Jail, the sheriff said.
Kenyatta Bellamy is obviously not an upstanding citizen by any stretch, but what choice did they leave him? He came home from being in prison and found this new dude and his girl doing the exact polar opposite of social distancing. Imagine coming thru the door and you’re like “honey, I’m home!”, and you just expect there to be a six foot perimeter around every other living being in the house, only when you open the door to the bedroom you find your girl doing reverse-housewife? That’s not the wonderful reunion I have pictured when daydreaming about the perfect prison homecoming.
There are just so many things to unpack here, for example, under what circumstances would you meet a chick and she’s like “well, I’m kinda single, with the exception of my boyfriend is upstate on a vehicular homicide charge. But don’t worry, he’s pretty chill”, and you still think “you know something, I believe this is someone I would really like to court.” I mean, one of my rules for dating women is “never date someone who has a former lover who is just counting down the days until they get out of prison, because the recidivism numbers don’t lie, and they are going to get even with someone, especially if they come home and you got your dick inside their girl.” I mean, that’s what happened here, this guy got out after 365 nights of just stewing in his own anger, and then he comes home and this is the thanks he gets? She didn’t even change the fucking locks? We have all been horny and boned and/or got boned by a few we probably shouldn’t have, but sometimes your dick just needs to know when it’s time to skip town. Also, call me a worry wart, but if that was me I would have been like “Look, this has been a very pleasurable time in my life, but according to my records, your soon to be ex-convict boyfriend will be returning home in *looks at Google calendar* holy shit, he gets out tomorrow! Well, I should be going.”
Quick sidenote, you got this cop saying “He used a hammer and a knife to kill the victims. They both have trauma consistent with those injuries.” Gee, redundant much? We got it the first time, Magnum PI, he used a hammer and knife to kill the victims. That pretty much sums it up, we weren’t on the edge our seats there like “hmm, he used a hammer and a knife to kill the victims, but how do we really know? Oh wait, here’s the next sentence, they both have trauma consistent with those injuries, so probably stab wounds and hammer strikes. Okay, this mystery has been solved.”
Finally, I’m obviously not saying it was right for this guy to kill anyone, I’m just saying you can probably imagine the rage he was feeling. Especially after that visit with his mother. Ugh. I’m not blaming her, either, but the last thing I think of when I need to blow off some steam is “you know what, I think instead of going out to do some blow and get a lapdance, I’ll pay a visit to, statistically speaking, one of the most annoying people we know in our lives.” You can almost hear it now:
Mom: “oh Kenyatta, when are you gonna settle down with a nice girl?”