Wicked Improper

Meat Pounder In The News!

"Jared Walter: Brogurt Launcher"

Portland, Oregon – Jared Weston Walter, 26, is accused of masturbating and ejaculating onto the heads of TriMet bus passengers in Portland, Oregon, The Oregonian reported. Walter allegedly gave a female passenger the special protein treatment at about 7 a.m. Tuesday, and authorities believe he did the same thing to at least two other women over the past three weeks. “At the time of those first two reports, the victims were unsure as to what had transpired, and the seriousness of the offense was not understood,” wrote Sgt. Pete Simpson in a statement obtained by The Oregonian. Walter has become known as the TriMet Barber, because in 2010, he was convicted of cutting off the hair of random bus passengers and spreading super glue on their heads. He was sentenced to 13 months in prison and two years of parole, according to KATU, and was just recently paroled. Now he’s facing charges of sex abuse, harassment, disorderly conduct, public indecency and interfering with public transportation. According to KGW, he pleaded not guilty and will return to court in June. In 2010, Walter’s mother told KATU that her son had been difficult to handle growing up, but she was unaware of him having an obsession with women’s hair.

Boston, MA – Say what you want about Jared Weston Walter, but nobody, and I mean nobody tells him how to ride the bus. Not even 13 months in prison could make him think twice about getting his bus pass again and shooting jism onto more heads. Per usual with our ‘Meat Pounder in the News’ segment, there are questions that we’ll never get the answer to. For example, what do they mean “there were victims that were unsure as to what had transpired”? There’s a guy standing behind you, just casually jacking his cock between stops, then he goes “OH MY GOD…OH FUCK YEAH…OVERHAND GRIP…HERE IT COMES. WHO’S MY NAUGHTY LITTLE COMMUTER? BABOOOOSH!” and then he soaks your scalp, and you’re not sure what just transpired? Um, this isn’t just any regular jackoff artist we’re talking about, this is Jared Weston Walter, the TriMet Barber. You’re in the company of Meat Pounding excellence, and you just got bukkake’d by him.

This blog was going to be longer, but I’m going to play a golf tournament at Indian Ridge in Andover. Enjoy your Monday, and remember, “If you can’t do the time, don’t pound your meat on the Green Line.”

Venezuela Spends A Decade Squashing Private Enterprise And Ownership, And What Do You Know? They Seem To Be Out Of Ass Wipes! (Also, Aida Yespica)

So not EVERYTHING from Venezuela is terrible.

MSN: First milk, butter, coffee and cornmeal ran short. Now Venezuela is running out of the most basic of necessities — toilet paper. Blaming political opponents for the shortfall, the country’s embattled socialist government said it will import 50 million rolls. That was little comfort to consumers who struggled to find toilet paper in stores Wednesday.

Economists said Venezuela’s shortages stem from price controls meant to make basic goods available to the poorest parts of society and to the government’s controls on foreign currency needed to pay for imports. The government claims anti-government forces including the private sector are causing the shortages to destabilize the country.

Under the socialist government of Hugo Chavez who died March 5 and later his hand-picked successor Nicolas Maduro, shoppers have been unable to count on finding sugar, cornmeal for Venezuela’s beloved arepas and other goods when they go to market.

Chavez made agrarian reform a pillar of his “revolution” and vowed to turn Venezuela into a self-sufficient, food-exporting power. His government expropriated 5.7 million acres of farmland over the last 12 years that he said were misused. He nationalized food-producing companies whose owners he claimed were gouging the people, conspiring against his government, or both.

Suck a dick, socialism.

This Venezuelan export isn't so bad...

What? It's natural! (ish)

Defense Claims Man Is Mentally ill And I Would Have To Agree

"Good Morning, Your Honor!"

BROCKTON, Mass. (AP) – The attorney for a Brockton man accused of killing two people and critically injuring a third person said Thursday that his client was “cold as ice” and not criminally responsible during a racially motivated spree of violence in 2009. Keith Luke, 26, is accused of raping and shooting a 22-year-old former neighbor at her apartment on Jan. 21, 2009, and fatally shooting her 20-year-old sister, then shooting to death an unrelated 72-year-old man walking down the street. Luke allegedly told police he wanted to kill “nonwhites.” His victims were of Cape Verdean descent. Attorney Joseph Krowski Jr. said in his opening statement Thursday in Plymouth Superior Court that his client has a history of mental illness including several hospitalizations as a teenager, and “was not criminally responsible for the acts he perpetrated upon those people.” Krowski said Luke was cold and dispassionate when he raped one victim, and “cold as ice” as he killed the other young woman, then coolly drove down the street before he killed 72-year-old Arlindo Dipina Goncalves. But prosecutor Frank Middleton said Luke was “a sexually frustrated, angry young man bent on revenge,” for rejections by women. The prosecutor displayed several items including a hammer, gags and handcuffs he said were tools Luke gathered to torture and kill his intended victims. “His plan as he indicated to police over and over was not to use the gun when he went into his victims houses,” Middleton said. “He wanted to kill them manually, he wanted to kill them stealthily, he wanted to use this hammer.” Luke also allegedly fired at several people trying to help one of his victims. He was arrested after a brief chase during which he allegedly fired on police officers. No officers were injured. In early court hearings after his arrest, Luke appeared with a swastika carved on his forehead. He allegedly told police he was “fighting extinction” of the white race and also planned to attack a synagogue near his home.

Boston, MA – That whole “rejected by women” defense strikes a chord in me as someone who has been rejected by women time and time again, however, thanks to my joy for life, coupled with an inherent will to never go to prison, the only thing I’d ever be convicted of is the mass genocide of about 4,000 Kleenex, 11 sets of drapes, 7 pillow cases during various hotel stays (including The Radisson, Marriott Courtyard, et al.) and probably a few pairs of Dockers during times of accidental Brogurt leak. You know how it is. Anyway, whether it’s proven that you’re clinically insane or not, you are criminally responsible when it comes to the cold blooded murder of innocent people. So, I’ll disagree with the ‘defense attorney’ on that. I also disagree with the prosecution regarding how “he wanted to kill them stealthily.” To me, stealthily means “very quietly”, and/or “did not know something evil was approaching.” This dude was driving down the street with a rape kit in his trunk, just blasting at Cape Verdeans like he was playing ‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.’ The real question of the day is, if he “allegedly fired on police officers”, why is he not “allegedly fucking dead right now”?

p.s. For those of you keeping score using your simple math skills, those “acts he perpetrated” happened 4 years ago, and the opening arguments just happened yesterday? He told police he wanted to kill people. People saw him kill people. He shot at cops. What are we waiting for, execute this motherfucker!

You Haven’t Made It Until You Have a Highly Trained Rifleman Holding Your F8cking Umbrella For You While You Spin Some Tales

I learned to kill terrorists for this?!

Even after several kids, getting ruined by Seal, and 39 years, my breasts are still spectacular

I banged Derek Jeter. Get over it.

Red thinks I'm terrible. And he's right.

Red wishes he had this shirt/pants combo.

All the celebrities are doing it!

$44 Million Rubbish

Boston.com – A large 1953 painting by abstract expressionist artist Barnett Newman has sold for $43.8 million at a New York City auction, setting an auction record for his work. Sotheby’s said Tuesday the record price for ‘‘Onement VI’’ (WUHN’-mehnt siks) includes the buyer’s premium. The painting is the last of six in Newman’s Onement series. They’re characterized by what’s called the zip, a distinctive stripe running down the center of the canvas. Four are in museum collections. ‘‘Onement V’’ sold at auction last year for $22.4 million, the artist’s previous auction record. Newman was an exhibitions organizer of the newly opened Betty Parson Gallery in 1946. He played a vital role in the careers of Mark Rothko, Jackson Pollock and others. He also influenced the next generation of artists including Frank Stella. Newman died in 1970.

Boston, MA – See, this is why I hate art. Anyone can do art. It’s stupid. Even the guy in “My Left Foot” was painting with the aforementioned Left Foot, and as you can imagine, it looked like someone tied a paint brush to the beak of a rooster on crack and let it go apeshit all over a canvas. While I will grant you that was a great movie, they conveniently left glaring holes in the story, like did he use his Left Foot to brush his teeth, fly a kite, and jerk himself off? There’s no god, but I like to think there is a special force that would allow his Left Foot to compensate for other parts of his body that were lacking. Perhaps he could arch his foot in such a way, like how a monkey does to climb a tree, that would make the perfect sheath for milking himself, but unless there’s a sequel coming that I don’t know about, we may never know. We may never know. But, it’s a Scientific fact that the human body can heighten certain senses when other senses in that same body are failing. One example of that would be blind people who have a keen ear for music, or perhaps can hear a train coming before you and I do. Another example would be why so many people with no arms go on to become great tap dancers.

Now, I purposely set up the layout of this particular blog so you would be SHOCKED when you this piece of $44 million garbage. Then, in contrast, I included an original Martin Munson piece that I created using nothing more than my fingertip and the “Draw Something” app on my iPad2. When you take a moment to truly ponder my gift, it’s hard to imagine what I could accomplish with watercolors. Please be honest with yourself as you take our poll: Which piece exhibits more artistic talent?

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Malcolm Shabazz Killed in Mexico

"I went thatta way"

Mexico – The grandson of civil rights activist Malcolm X, Malcolm Shabazz, died in a Mexico City hospital after suffering an apparent beating, police told CNN. Prosecutors are investigating the death as a homicide, police spokesman Octavio Campos said. Police were called to the scene of an injured man at 3:30 a.m. Thursday one block south of Plaza Garibaldi, a rough but famous patch of Mexico City known for its mariachis. The 29-year-old was transported to Mexico City’s Balbuena General Hospital, where he died later Thursday morning because of his injuries, he said. The prosecutor’s office said in a statement that Shabazz had been at “a place of recreation” and had been drinking beers that night. “To all who knew him, he offered kindness, encouragement and hope for a better tomorrow,” the Shabazz family said in a statement Friday. “Although his bright light and boundless potential are gone from this life, we are grateful that he now rests in peace in the arms of his grandparents and the safety of God.” Malcolm is perhaps most widely known for intentionally starting the fire that killed his grandmother, Malcolm X’s widow, Betty Shabazz, 63, in Yonkers, N.Y., in 1997. Malcolm was 12 years old then & pleaded guilty to second-degree arson & second-degree manslaughter, & was sentenced to 18 months in an out-of-state juvenile facility. Then in 2002, at age 17, he was sentenced to 3 years in a NY state prison after taking part in a violent robbery in Middletown, Orange County.

You kind of have to wonder if the grandmother is up in heaven like, “Now I have to hang out with this motherfucker who set me on fire? Aww, hell no.” Well, that’s heaven in a nutshell for you. People you never thought you’d see again, who may have wronged you down on the Earth by stealing a client from you, or putting their dick into your wife, or, in this case, burning you alive, all of a sudden those assholes are appearing through the gates. Everyone is forgiven. Come on in. In that sense, heaven is kind of like America, where they just let anyone in to leech off the system. And don’t even get me started on how overpopulated it is there. I mean, if you think having 7 billion people on Earth is getting kinda stuffy, there’s like, 300 million years’ worth of shitty spirits just lounging around in heaven. Can you even imagine getting to the deli and pulling a ticket that says you’re # 1,303,488? Anyway, even though I am not the foremost authority on what you do or do not bring along with you to heaven (i.e. does Betty go there with 70% of her body covered with burn marks, can the Comcast collections department contact you about your outstanding balance, etc.), I have to believe that Betty Shabazz is experiencing Soul Rage right now.

Betty: “Malcolm! How wonderful to see you and your ‘bright light’ and ‘boundless potential’ again!”

Malcolm: “Hi Grandma. Are you still upset with me?”

Betty: “Oh, you mean when you cut my life short 16 years ago by setting me on fire and sending me to this prison in the clouds? No, I haven’t had any time to dwell on that at all.”

If You Don’t Like Playoff Hockey, I Don’t Think We Can Be Friends Anymore

"Save!"

Boston, MA – Mrs. Munson thinks we are “cleaning the house” tonight, but because I “have a pair of testicles,” I am watching the Bruins game in its’ entirety very soon after I’m done steam-cleaning the tiles in our bathroom, and you had better believe it.

Prediction: Bruins 4, Toronto 1

Rhetorical question: Doesn’t the “Maple Leafs” sound like a gay birdwatching club?

Barbershop 4: Pitbull Gone Wild

Boston, MA – Unfortunately, there’s no audio for this video, but fortunately, I have the time to transcribe it for you.

Customer 1: “Oh my heavens. What ever is that in the mirror? I do believe an unleashed pitbull has entered your barber shop without an appointment. lol. j/k. But please, would you do me the honor of turning me about and let us confirm if my eyes are deceiving me?”

Barber: “Good lord. You’re right. An unleashed pitbull has entered my barber shop, and if I am not mistaken, he looks to be rather agitated.”

Customer 2: “Sir, would you mind terribly if I climbed on top of this barber chair in an attempt to prevent this unleashed pitbull from biting my testicles off?”

Barber: “Well I must insist! Your request gives me a delightful idea as I may climb onto the chair adjacent to yours. Like you, I am also very interested in protecting my testicles.”

Pitbull: “Good afternoon, Gentlemen. Please be my guest and blame what is about to happen on my owner, because excrement is about to get very real all the way up in here.”

(thanks to Curley for the vid)

Griffon Vultures Ruin A Woman’s Hike After She Herself Had Already Ruined It By Falling 1,000 Feet

"Griffon Vultures 1, Fallen Hiker 0"

France – A hiker who plunged 1,000 feet to her death was eaten by Griffon vultures before she could be rescued. The 52-year-old’s bones, clothes and shoes were all that remained after being pounced on by the scavengers in the French/Spanish Pyrenees mountain range. They devoured her body in just 40 minutes. The woman is believed to have died during the April 14 fall, rather than from being attacked by the birds.

Boston, MA (and in the Pyrenees, France where Lance Armstrong won his Tour de France’s with one ball and wildebeest blood in his veins) – Well, I guess this hiker didn’t see the signs about not feeding the wildlife. Anyway, what’s the last thing you want to hear after you’ve fallen 1,000 feet? If you said “A dozen Griffon vultures going “CAW! CAW!” as they circle my broken body” you were right! Griffon vultures are known to have razor sharp talons and beaks they use to crack open shellfish and coconuts. If you close your eyes right now (but somehow keep reading this), imagine the sensation of falling 1,000 feet to what you think is going to be your instant death. But no. Griffa please! The first thing you feel is simultaneously breaking every bone in your body. Try to make light of the situation by singing “The head bone connected to the, neck bone, the neck bone connected to the, shoulder bone” and so on, but with the understanding that nothing is no longer connected. The next sensation you feel is a delusional one, and it’s a genetic defense mechanism all human’s have that says, and you’ll forgive me for not having the medical term handy, but basically, “Hey, maybe shit gonna a’ight.” The third and final sensation you’ll ever feel is one of false hope, and what you think are shadows from the rotating propeller blades of a Red Cross helicopter coming to save you are really the shadows of 70 Griffon Vultures coming to peck your dick off.

Immediate Death Penalty!

"Onil Castro, Ariel Castro, Pedro Castro. (not shown: Fidel Castro)"

Boston, MA – Hola! Here are the Brothers’ Castro of Cleveland, Ohio, who allegedly but almost certainly held three young women against their will for a decade. Ariel Castro (pictured above, center) was allegedly the ringleader. Isn’t that always the way, that the good looking one is the mastermind? He kind of reminds me of Antonio Banderas, if Antonio Banderas spent his entire life subsisting on deep fried plantains. The other two look like if Edward James Olmos was a siamese twin that got ripped in half. It appears these guys also visit the same barbershop, BuenoCuts.

Anyway, by now, you’ve heard this story out of Cleveland: Three smelly looking and wicked horny Puerto Ricans abduct three young girls at different times and kept them locked up in a house for up to 10 years. The details that emerge over the next few days (i.e. that Ariel got one of his captives pregnant and delivered the baby in la casita, probably forcing them to listen to Menudo, etc.) are going to turn your god damned stomach. Therefore, we are calling for an immediate death penalty for these three pinata hitters. Please note: Your vote doesn’t really send someone to the electric chair, but it’s still fun to click on buttons and wonder “what if?” As an added bonus, please watch the Songified Charles Ramsey Hero video once you’ve cast your vote below. That shit is my Summer Jam.

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(Thanks to Sully and Curley for the Vid)

What Constructive Shit Have You Done In The Last Day And A Half?

"I'm hungry. Bring me your infants. Medium rare."

Sydney Morning Herald: It may go down as one of the great currency bets in Australian dollar history – a $US1 billion gamble on a Reserve Bank rate cut that has delivered a $US19 million profit in 36 hours. The beneficiary, if you believe the rumour mill, is investment legend George Soros. Best of all, it appears the 82-year-old American pulled off the deal three times, all with different foreign exchange brokers in Asia, for a tidy profit of almost $US60 million.

Huh. In the last 36 hours, I went to the gym, had one more-or-less wasted day at work, and executed one-and-a-half flawless bowel movements. “If you believe the rumour mill,” Ol’ Georgie made sixty million dollars.

That’s nice for him.

Get This Man A Late Night TV Gig ASAP

ABC: The man who helped Amanda Berry and two other women escape the house where they had spent 10 years locked up against their will has spoken about the moment he helped rescue them. Charles Ramsey was eating a McDoanld’s when he heard a woman screaming from his neighbour’s house in Cleveland, Ohio, and went to investigate.

“No! ‘Cause I’da pulled this hero sh – stuff last year!”

Charles Ramsey Ladies and Gents!

Every Shape and Size

Happy National Clitoris Week!

"Move the Daffodil, Toots"

Boston, MA – You read that right, it’s National Clitoris Week! Yay! The real question on everyone’s mind is, what is Clitoraid? Like you, I thought it might be a lemon-lime thirst quencher for the pussy. But no, thanks to my genuine inquisitive nature, and working at a job that doesn’t really matter, I had unlimited time to do research on all things Clitoraid and was surprised to find it has nothing to do with replenishing the Vag’s electrolytes. This is taken directly from the Clitoraid.org web site:

Clitoraid Story

“My elder sister woke up very early that day and started to boil water on the wooden fire. When the women arrived, my sister tricked me and asked me to go and give a bar of soap to the old woman in the bathroom; so silly of me. I ran there to do it fast and once in front of the toilets, two of the women grabbed me by the arms and put me down on the floor. One was seated on my belly holding my two wrists on my chest, the two others were holding my feet and the old one was in the middle and they cut off my clitoris without anesthesia. It took me two months to heal…” Banemanie was thirteen when she was genitally mutilated. She is now 55 and she was one of the first to call Dr. Lankouade, a local surgeon who practices FGM repair, to be operated on. Unfortunately, Clitoraid had to send Bane to have a second surgery in Paris under the care of Dr. Foldes because the surgery conducted by Dr. Lankouade was not successful. Once Clitoraid’s hospital opens, African Doctors will be offered free surgical training to insure successful results on their patients too. After her surgery with Dr. Foldes, Bane is now able to feel new sensations in her rebuilt clitoris. It’s with great hope and enthusiasm that the women of Africa support the Clitoraid Project!

First things first, I do not like Banemanie’s older sister. I thought she was starting the day off by putting a soup on. When you have a pot of soup boiling and ask me to give a bar of soap to the old lady that’s taking a shit in our bathroom for some reason, consider it done. I love soup. But then I get in there and some other bitch is waiting with the old lady and they cut my clit off without novacaine, and then I find out that whole soup thing was staged? Well, I think it’s time for me to find a new favorite big sister.

Second, it is also with even greater hope and even greater enthusiasm that the men of Wicked Improper support the Clitoraid Project! Yeah, probably not with monetary assistance, but our hearts and dicks are in the right place. Definitely put those clits back on there. As if the women of Africa don’t have enough to worry about with leopards, lack of water, balancing baskets of fruit on their heads all day, cheetahs, extremely high pollen counts, etFc., now there’s an angry gang of evil bitches roaming the villages pretending to make soup and slicing off clits? Come on! If this blog can raise awareness and prevent just one of our African sisters from getting her bean hacked off, then we’ve done our job. We are Wicked Improper. We are BostonStrong. We are AfricaStrong. We are ClitStrong.

#ClitStrong

People Are Going Crazy Over The Body Of That Russian Asshole

"Um, hello, can I get a little CPR over here?"

Boston, MA, – (home of BostonStrong, OneFundBoston, And Dunkin’ Donuts) – The body of Boston Marathon bombing suspect Tamerlan Tsarnaev remained in limbo today at the Graham Putnam & Mahoney Funeral Parlors in Worcester, where a funeral director was seeking a cemetery that would accept his body, while protesters gathered outside and a local activist launched a campaign to collect money for the body to be returned to Russia. “The devil is waiting for him!” Nelly Sanchez, 45, of Worcester, chanted outside the funeral home this morning. “He needs to be fed to the sharks. I don’t think the sharks would want him, either.” Meanwhile, outside the Worcester funeral home, Jennifer Merchand, 29, of Worcester said she had attended funerals at the funeral home before but would never go back. “This is just awful,” she said. “I will never step foot inside that funeral home again,” she said as she stood across the street protesting. “I don’t want to even live in this state if he is buried here.” The protesters’ ire was apparently misdirected this afternoon when they yelled at a family, including a man on crutches, who had come to the funeral home to pick up the ashes of a loved one. “Go back to Russia,’’ one man shouted at the family, adding an expletive. The family, however, had no connection to Tsarnaev.

Well, Jennifer Merchand has set foot in the Graham Putnam & Mahoney Funeral Parlors for the last time, and she don’t care who’s in the box. She doesn’t even want to live in this state if Tamerlin is buried here (and I hope someone follows up with her on that if he ends up getting planted in Worcester.) Then you have Nelly Sanchez chanting “The Devil is waiting for him”? Epic chant fail. Just even repeating that in your head you can tell that one would have an awful cadence to it. I would have liked to see something with a little more cohesiveness from the chanters. Four syllables at most is the maximum allowed for any chants. “Let’s Go Bru-ins”, then stomping your feet would have worked at this protest, but just replace “Let’s Go Bru-ins” with “Burn His Bo-dy!” (boosh, boosh, booshbooshboosh!) “Burn His Bo-dy!” (boosh, boosh, booshbooshboosh!) Of course, my favorite part of this story from Boston.com is where a guy on crutches just shows up to pick up the ashes of his mom (along with bits and pieces of whatever and whoever else was in the oven) and some guy yells “Go back to Russia!” then adding an expletive (don’t let Boston.com’s riddle bug you for too long, it was probably “motherfucker!”)

Anyway, it would shock this pro-boner blogger if this bag of shit was buried in Massachusetts, but who knows? Hitler is buried somewhere. Mussolini is buried somewhere. Kris Jenner will have to be buried somewhere. I say bury him here and let residents of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts treat the grave like Jim Morrison’s in Paris, only instead of pot buds, candles, and titty pictures, people can treat it as a place of remembrance and use it as a public toilet. I would also not be opposed to digging him up and doing a spoof video called “Weekend At Tamerlin’s” where we take him to hotspots all over Cape Cod to let people slap him and maybe tug on his dick for a chance to win a free fried clam roll from Kream n’ Kone.

Meat Pounder In The News!

"Hi, I masturbate in public!"

Boston, MA – A Revere man was arrested on the MBTA last night for allegedly making sexually obscene gestures at a 10-year-old girl then masturbating in front of her. Transit Police said Lopera Zuluaga, 52, boarded an outbound Blue Line train at Maverick Station and sat directly across from the victim. He began to make “inappropriate physical overtures directly at the young female,” according to a police report. Within minutes, Zuluaga allegedly began masturbating “while glaring” at the girl, police said, attempting to hide himself under a backpack. A woman noticed the activity, and began yelling, thereby drawing attention to Zuluaga who then attempted to flee. However, a man who had allegedly witnessed the incident tried to stop him from leaving the train, and a struggle ensued. Zuluaga allegedly fled the train at Revere Beach Station, but was arrested on Nahant Street near the intersection of Shirley Avenue. He was due to be arraigned today in Chelsea District Court for open and gross lewdness. Transit Police Superintendent-in-Chief Joseph O’Connor today commended T passengers for speaking up. “Our See Something, Say Something campaign applies to anything that people view as unusual. Not only important to our anti terrorism efforts, but it’s also important to the general, overall safety of the MBTA,” O’Connor said. “It’s very important that riders work with police so we can keep the MBTA as safe and secure as possible.”

Boston, MA, home of the Meat Pounder – Great, like Boston needed another reason not to trust guys with backpacks. Not only do we need trained dogs patrolling our various modes of public transportation to sniff out explosives, but now we need canines that can sense when “something is not right” as large amounts of blood rush into the groins of perverts. Now, please take a moment to look at your calendar. Ahhhh. Spring Time. The flowers started blooming, the birds begin chirping at 5:30am outside your bedroom window on a Saturday, and chronic masturbators emerge from their dwellings to launch Brogurt in public. When you really stop to think about it, just in terms of fresh air, isn’t Spring the perfect season for the Meat Pounder? I mean, if you had to pick one? You almost can’t blame Lopera Zuluaga. He’s been cooped up all Winter, slowly massaging probably countless amounts of boners, waiting very patiently for just the right day to ride the Blue Line and pound his meat in front of minors. With the exception of “he’s going to prison”, you’d have to consider that train ride to be a pretty good value with his $2 Charlie Card (or perhaps he had the $70 Link Pass for unlimited travel and self-pleasuring.)

Anyway, speaking of value, how much would you pay to have seen that struggle ensue? Think about this before you try to assign a dollar amount to it: A guy with Marty Feldman’s eyes, jerking off under a backpack, being chased down the platform with his hardon slapping side to side off his thighs, and getting arrested in front of hundreds of commuters? My number is $20 (or $59.99 on Pay-Per-View if a few of you wanted to split it.) I guess there are Good Samaritan’s out there, and you never really know how you’re going to react until a situation presents itself, but if I see a guy attempting to flee with his boner exposed, you know what? I’m going to go ahead and let him get his flee on. I’m gonna wait my turn to be a hero for something like a purse snatcher. Meanwhile, in court…

Judge: “On one count of Meat Pounding and using a backpack to disguise Trouser Jihad, how do you plead?”

Lopera Zuluaga: “Horny, your Honor. I plead very, very horny.”

(Thanks to Sully for the link)

Here Are Some Cannons That The United Nations Doesn’t Mind At All

If I had one wish, it'd be worldwide peace. If I had two, it'd be worldwide peace and boobs.

Beltway Pundit: The United Nations Twitter account has 1,462,872 followers. In return, the UN follows 537 accounts – mostly foreign UN special missions, dignitaries and international heads of states. However, buried in the list ConstitutionSchool.com discovered one account which seemed oddly out of place: “Penelope Black Diamond.”

Penelope! For the record, there are something around 200 million active twitter accounts. The UN has chosen to follow less than 1000 of those guys. (disclaimer: For some f*cking inexplicable reason, Wicked Improper is not currently one of them.) That why you pay the UN the big bucks: to make the tough decisions so they’re not wasting their time on bullshit.

As you can see, the UN is very, VERY discriminating when choosing who(m?) to follow

Susannah Collins, Just Talkin’ ‘Bout Huge Black Cocks In The Aftermath Of A Lesbian Romp In The Hay

This one is for WI reader Claude Julien and his very specfic request which you can revisit right here.

She got fired for this? I don’t see what the big deal is, but this is tremendous* news: it means she’s available to come over to Wicked Improper for newscasts and guest posts!

(Martin?)

Plane Goes Down In Afghanistan

Boston, MA and Afghanistan (where this actually happened) – Well, this video is proof that even if you anticipate a plane crash, you can’t jump out at the very last second and stick the landing like Bugs Bunny.

This is not a fun video, but as someone that’s fascinated by accidents, I felt like it should be shared. If you have a flight coming up, like, ever, probably don’t watch this.

What? It’s True – These Guys Have Been F*cking Their Brains Out All Season.

If there’s one thing we know about professional athletes, it’s that they are banging your wives and girlfriends right now, as you read this. Hockey players are no different, and I think we can all agree that they’re among the cutest of the major sports ~~fuck machines~~ athletes. At least I was told no less just last weekend. And if there’s one thing we know about Susannah Collins, it’s that she always – ALWAYS – gets her ~~man~~ story. No judgement.

Guy Breaks Into A Home And Gets Caught Masturbating But Not Before Taking A Well Deserved Recess With A Toy Helicopter

"Hi, I broke into someone's house and masturbated on their bed."

St. Augustine, Florida – Jason Lee Vickery, 23, broke into a home in St. Augustine, Fla. Wednesday and was about to masturbate when he got distracted by a green remote-controlled helicopter, according to a St. Johns County Sheriff’s report obtained by HuffPost Weird News. Vickery sought out the toy’s batteries and flew the helicopter for a while, “thus depriving the owner of the item” and its battery life, the report states. At some point while inside the home, he ate a salad he happened to have with him, investigators told Action News Jax. After getting his fill of leafy greens, Vickery allegedly masturbated in the bathroom on the second floor, but stopped and went to the backyard because he heard voices coming from outside. The voices belonged to deputies, who arrested him. Officials say they confiscated a bag of marijuana, as well as other drug paraphernalia, a pouch of chewing tobacco, a towel and a wig. Vickery was charged with larceny and burglary.

Oh, don’t you hate that? There you are, minding your own business, just breaking into a private residence looking for yet another place to jack off, eat your Cobb salad, and wear your wig in peace and quiet, and the next thing you know a remote control helicopter catches your eye. You’re like “Okay, now just wait a minute, dick and salad. First things first, Imma take this helicopter for a spin. Oh, what? No batteries? Well, let me just put the lid back on this salad and put my dick back into my briefs and go find some.” Then you’re searching out the batteries with the perfect bite of salad in your mouth (i.e. two leafs of green, 1 crouton that’s been broken into little crispy bits from your chewing while lightly coated in dressing as it gets tossed around inside your mouth), not to mention, a raging, impatient erection that’s tenting your underpants. It’s almost like your dick doesn’t know how much fun it is to fly a toy helicopter. Your dick is really not unlike a child that doesn’t want to behave and wait its’ turn. Anyway, you find the battery, load it into the helicopter, and tell your dick if it behaves it will be rewarded shortly after your flight by getting massaged all over a complete strangers bed while you both commit a felony.

The real shame in all of this is that it could have been prevented if some spoiled rotten brat had simply put their toys away. Speaking of children, here’s a limerick I titled “The Masturbator of St. Augustine”:

Hickory Dickory Dock,

Jason Lee Vickery was stroking his cock,

If it weren’t for those Coppers,

and that damned helicopter,

He may have beat off in your sock.