Boy: "I wish you were Jennifer Love Hewitt." Gross Woman: "So do I."
Boston, MA and Hollywood Hits in Danvers, MA – Jesus Christ Almighty did this movie eat your balls. If some of your favorite things include wasting two and a half hours fidgeting in a chair going “when is this shit going to end?”, then this is the movie for you. Since the movie was directed by Steven Spielberg, you’ve probably seen the commercials with the major media outlets virtually blowing him for this effort. Fortunately for you, our journalistic integrity hasn’t been compromised, at least not yet, so you can trust me when I tell you it was garbage.
At one point, and I’m not shitting you, the horse was running around the bunkers during some war, and a Nazi tank chased it and cornered it in a dead end. A NAZI TANK! Haven’t the Nazis already spent enough time being painted in a pretty bad light? But no, that’s not enough for Spielberg. The Nazis were just so evil that during the war, with bullets and shit whizzing around, the tank had enough time to chase down a stupid jewish horse. Anyway, the horse jumps OVER the fucking tank and runs for its’ life, and then bombs and grenades are going off all around and the horse outruns the explosions and shit. It was just horrendous. Here’s my review:
1. Originality: F
2. Believability: F
3. The hottest chick in the film was Emily Watson, who, forgive me for using an equestrian term to describe my attraction towards her, or perhaps lack thereof, but I do not believe it would be a joy to mount her: F
4. Not a single moment goes by where I wasn’t wishing to be somewhere else: F
5. Surprise Ending? There wasn’t one, the boy and the horse predictably reunite: G (Gay)
If you enjoy this film and want to be reimbursed (not including concessions) after seeing my review, please email me at:
martin@wickedimproper.com
Without a doubt, this is Spielberg trying his hardest to manipulate the hell out of his audience but it somehow works and brought me into the story despite some of the very corny moments. The cat doesn’t really have any big-names either, but they are all great in each of their own respective roles as well. Great review. Check out mine when you get the chance.
Dan, thank you for the review of my review. I liked your review better, because it seems like it was written by someone with intelligence. If you want to read Dan’s review, it’s nice and almost as long as the movie. Sorry Dan, couldn’t resist. http://dtmmr.wordpress.com/2011/12/28/war-horse-2011/
Nazis ? , Nazis tank ? you have the wrong war. Jewish horse ? give me a break ! The National Socialist Party did n`t even come into being until 1920. Please check basic facts before rushing into print.
Mike, thanks for writing in, but, did you see “War Horse?” They were Nazi tanks I think. They certainly seemed to be very angry. To be fair, I didn’t check the basic facts as to when the war took place, or, who was even fighting. I was in a very dark place (and I’m not just talking about the theater) when I saw Emily Watson, and then the first half hour with the horse plowing that field. It was like “We get it, the horse is going to plow the fucking field, let’s get on with it.” Nonetheless, your comment is duly noted, and I should have been a bit more clear about the facts. Also, I know that when you say “rushing to print”, you mean “clicking ‘post’ to the web.”
Thanks,
Martin