Boston, MA and Hollywood Hits in Danvers, MA – Jesus Christ Almighty did this movie eat your balls. If some of your favorite things include wasting two and a half hours fidgeting in a chair going “when is this shit going to end?”, then this is the movie for you. Since the movie was directed by Steven Spielberg, you’ve probably seen the commercials with the major media outlets virtually blowing him for this effort. Fortunately for you, our journalistic integrity hasn’t been compromised, at least not yet, so you can trust me when I tell you it was garbage.
At one point, and I’m not shitting you, the horse was running around the bunkers during some war, and a Nazi tank chased it and cornered it in a dead end. A NAZI TANK! Haven’t the Nazis already spent enough time being painted in a pretty bad light? But no, that’s not enough for Spielberg. The Nazis were just so evil that during the war, with bullets and shit whizzing around, the tank had enough time to chase down a stupid jewish horse. Anyway, the horse jumps OVER the fucking tank and runs for its’ life, and then bombs and grenades are going off all around and the horse outruns the explosions and shit. It was just horrendous. Here’s my review:
1. Originality: F
2. Believability: F
3. The hottest chick in the film was Emily Watson, who, forgive me for using an equestrian term to describe my attraction towards her, or perhaps lack thereof, but I do not believe it would be a joy to mount her: F
4. Not a single moment goes by where I wasn’t wishing to be somewhere else: F
5. Surprise Ending? There wasn’t one, the boy and the horse predictably reunite: G (Gay)
If you enjoy this film and want to be reimbursed (not including concessions) after seeing my review, please email me at: