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The Somerset Three: The Final Chapter (?)

Boston, MA and Somerset, MA, inside a Tanning Bed, and then from a jail cell and eventually court where I DEMAND the charges be dropped for Stacy Cabral! – There are a few people I’d like to apologize to this morning. First, I’d like to apologize to Stacy and Sheila Cabral for my distasteful remarks about your mugshots, which, quite honestly, were not easy to look at. I would also like to apologize to Ashley Lezandro, who, according to various media outlets, was the (and I use this term very lightly) “mastermind” behind “Operation, Like, Let’s Steal $100.” It wasn’t fair of me to try to sway our audience, in our now-famous polls, to indicate they would rather love-make with Ashley over Stacy or Sheila. Quite frankly, if I wasn’t married, or if I was a Guinea, I think I’d have a genuine chance with any one of these chicks. And before you jump all over me for using a marginal derogatory term for “Italian”, please know that I have nothing but love for Italian people and rather enjoy your Tuscan breadsticks at Olive Garden.

For those of you that have followed this story, which became an insult to armed robbers everywhere, prepare to have your mind blown. All week long, capturing an image of Stacy Cabral was more difficult than trying to get a picture of your own asshole with your cellphone. It was almost like we would bob, she would weave, we would zig, she would zag, we’d try to friend her on Facebook, and she’d deny it. But then, thanks to our readers, who declined compensation, we were provided with several very attractive pictures of Stacy. Without further adieu, please enjoy this virtual photograph tour of Stacy Cabral.

 

"Nice dress (can almost see it) but awful wallpaper"

"Ashley who?"

 

"The water in my glass is rippling from tremors"

Now, I know from our research that’s Ashley on the left hand side. On the right, you have the lovely Stacey. Some of you are probably wondering if they took this picture in front of the dinosaur at a miniature golf course. Let’s be nice and leave this thing on a happy note. Baby girl, whoever you is in the middle, god dayyyum there is only one woman on earth that can pull off that dress. I’ve heard of “one size fits all” but this is “one size fits only you.” However, I’m going to honestly open myself up to the audience right now and say “I would” with that female Gulliver, because as I look at this picture I’m literally having a jihad in my pants. You have the best leg tone, the brightest smile, and I would genuinely welcome the struggle to survive being crushed under your boobalanche. Of course, like most men, as my brain alternates back and forth between thoughts of sex, sports, alcohol and violence, part of me wishes I could push the “play” button and watch you smash those two puny heads together like rotten cantaloupe.

(There is a small cash reward to anyone that submits a picture of Pinky riding a mechanical bull, a moped, coming down a waterslide, or ripping a Yellow Pages in half. I most likely won’t post it, I just kind of have to see it. Email Martin@wickedimproper.com)

11 Responses to “
The Somerset Three: The Final Chapter (?)

  1. Red says:

    “Ashely Who?” Boom, I knew it!

    &, no craning necessary!

    (Also, “would.”)

    • Martin says:

      Oh yeah, kaboom on Ashley. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to be your co-captain on Team Ashley. I don’t mean like on a tag team, just like, you know, we both just like her.

      Did you reverse your pinched nerve back to normal when you tried to look up her dress?

    • Boston Sean says:

      Yea, Red was right all along. Too bad he’s not as on with the sports picks, OHHHH! :P

      So in my not-so-humble opinion, Sheila is #3 at this point because Stacey is bangin. Where are these chicks? They’re missing all the action! C’mon girls, we would all really like to hear your side of this trainwreck and maybe your phone number for a little hotel party.

      • Red says:

        OUTRAGE!

        Wasn’t I around 102-14 for the year?

        Yeah, Sheila, even in her “hot” pics, probably takes a back seat to the other two. Ironically, she might be the only one who gets off without any charges, if I interpret my man KyKy’s messages cerrekstly.

        • Martin says:

          Football picks zinger!

          I agree, Sheila should probably be the one to drive the getaway car, and let the two hot ones go inside.

          I almost smp’d with your “cerrekstly.”

  2. Righty says:

    Do you think Ashley is already carrying the baby in this pic? Zing!

  3. kreegs says:

    The girl in the middle reminds of the Chris Farley (rip) character on SNL eating french fries non-stop and when the Adam Sandler character (career rip) tells him to slow down he replies “Lay off I’m starving!!”

    Still, I would but my affairs would be in order.

  4. KiKi says:

    wow wow wow she fffffin hottttt

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