Boston, MA and Somerset, MA, inside a Tanning Bed, and then from a jail cell and eventually court where I DEMAND the charges be dropped for Stacy Cabral! – There are a few people I’d like to apologize to this morning. First, I’d like to apologize to Stacy and Sheila Cabral for my distasteful remarks about your mugshots, which, quite honestly, were not easy to look at. I would also like to apologize to Ashley Lezandro, who, according to various media outlets, was the (and I use this term very lightly) “mastermind” behind “Operation, Like, Let’s Steal $100.” It wasn’t fair of me to try to sway our audience, in our now-famous polls, to indicate they would rather love-make with Ashley over Stacy or Sheila. Quite frankly, if I wasn’t married, or if I was a Guinea, I think I’d have a genuine chance with any one of these chicks. And before you jump all over me for using a marginal derogatory term for “Italian”, please know that I have nothing but love for Italian people and rather enjoy your Tuscan breadsticks at Olive Garden.
For those of you that have followed this story, which became an insult to armed robbers everywhere, prepare to have your mind blown. All week long, capturing an image of Stacy Cabral was more difficult than trying to get a picture of your own asshole with your cellphone. It was almost like we would bob, she would weave, we would zig, she would zag, we’d try to friend her on Facebook, and she’d deny it. But then, thanks to our readers, who declined compensation, we were provided with several very attractive pictures of Stacy. Without further adieu, please enjoy this virtual photograph tour of Stacy Cabral.
Now, I know from our research that’s Ashley on the left hand side. On the right, you have the lovely Stacey. Some of you are probably wondering if they took this picture in front of the dinosaur at a miniature golf course. Let’s be nice and leave this thing on a happy note. Baby girl, whoever you is in the middle, god dayyyum there is only one woman on earth that can pull off that dress. I’ve heard of “one size fits all” but this is “one size fits only you.” However, I’m going to honestly open myself up to the audience right now and say “I would” with that female Gulliver, because as I look at this picture I’m literally having a jihad in my pants. You have the best leg tone, the brightest smile, and I would genuinely welcome the struggle to survive being crushed under your boobalanche. Of course, like most men, as my brain alternates back and forth between thoughts of sex, sports, alcohol and violence, part of me wishes I could push the “play” button and watch you smash those two puny heads together like rotten cantaloupe.
(There is a small cash reward to anyone that submits a picture of Pinky riding a mechanical bull, a moped, coming down a waterslide, or ripping a Yellow Pages in half. I most likely won’t post it, I just kind of have to see it. Email Martin@wickedimproper.com)