Boston, MA – Of the 27,000 people running the Boston Marathon today, I’ll go ahead and say that roughly 30 of them are prepared for the punishing heat they’re about to experience. Am I going to make an obvious joke about how Kenyans can withstand heat better than some asshole from Southie that started training last week with “From Couch to 5K?” You bet your ass I am. There is going to be absolute bedlam on the route today. Anyone other than a world-class marathoner is literally putting their life in danger by running in these record-breaking heat conditions. Who could forget Uta Pippig shitting her shorts and menstruating all up and down Heartbreak Hill? The bad news for the kids is that it looked like someone dragged a deer carcass for 7 miles. The good news is that it was impossible for any of the slower runners to get lost. As embarrassing as that had to be when she discharged all over herself, the fluids, in effect, acted as kind of a natural body glide and prevented chafing. If you’re sitting there, doubting the benefits of frictionless motion, you clearly have never had a chafed asshole before. What does a chafed asshole feel like, Martin? Well, picture yourself just going along, smiling and minding your own business, and then an invisible dwarf takes a floor sander all over your taint. Not to mention the distance she put between herself and the other runners when crows started swarming the streets, pecking away at her entrails. People accused her of cheating, but it was simply an act of some gross and smelly god. I think she won that year, and while I’m sure it’s a day she’ll always cherish as her name is etched in the history books, I’ll always remember her destroyed shorts and discolored socks.
Anyway, the fact is, I could have done the marathon today if I wanted to by pub crawling all up and down Boylston Street, but then I remembered I would rather sit at my desk and look at these.