Boston, MA and Jeweryton, Bethlehem – Quite often, our readers email to ask if I believe Jesus ever had a girlfriend, or at least a side piece away from all of his disciples and other shit going on down at the church. Legend has it that Jesus became the laughingstock of Jeweryton, for when he would meet attractive churchgoers, he and his robe would suffer through untimely and below-average erections. In all fairness, Jesus was ever the gentleman, remaining chivalrous in the most embarrassing of situations. When women and a few of the gayers would giggle at his little apostle, Jesus would say “If you will excuse me, I need to go relieve myself behind the goat stables.” Anyway, his unpredictable boners is where the phrase “Christ has risen” originally came from.
Now, one has to wonder, did Jesus ever abuse his power and fame by pulling his robe to the side and saying “If you don’t want to burn in hell for eternity, open thy mouth and prepare to receive my “Get out of Hell Free” pass”? Or, if no one else was around and he was bored with never-ending loops of SportsCenter, did he decide to pleasure himself off with the natural, slippery inside of a banana peel? We may never know. I won’t link to them, because it’s Easter, but there are discussion forums out there where members talk about out of the ordinary ways to finish oneself off, and you’d be surprised how high the banana peel ranks. Spoiler, it comes in third, right behind velvet glove and vaseline-filled pumpkin. One forum member even goes so far to say “If you get your peel on, whatever you do, shower before you visit the chimp habitat at the San Diego Zoo. If they ever get a whiff of that Del Monte, they will quite literally go apeshit.”
May you go in Peace,
Reverend Martin Luther Munson