Wicked Improper Reviews “Chimpanzee”

"Hi, I'm Oscar. Watch Me Get Orphaned and Almost Starve To Death in HD!"

Boston, MA – We had a lot of positive feedback for our review of “War Horse”, a film about a dumb Jewish horse getting chased by Nazi tanks, which was clearly the worst movie of 2011. So, we thought we should review the best movie of 2012, Disney’s “Chimpanzee.” This film is an instant classic, as a camera crew followed 1 year old Oscar and his Chimpanzee family around the jungle for 4 years. And while there were certainly some very tender moments between these primates, I found it very difficult to believe Disney would earn a G rating for this film.

Probably the most difficult part, from an audience standpoint, is when Oscar spends about five uncomfortable ‘shift-in-your-chair’ minutes trying to reach down to suck his own dick. That was the part that moved me to tears. You just want to reach out and communicate with him somehow, telling him “that’s not how god wanted it, it’s one of his evil tricks”, and that no matter how flexible he is, or even if he takes Bikram Yoga, he’ll never be able to reach. It was heartbreaking to see him become frustrated and agitated, but then the audience breathed a collective sigh of relief when he went and tugged one off next to a stream, just like you or I would do when awaking balls-full in a tent on the Saco River. Keep in mind, he has no WiFi or access to online porn, so I whispered to the lady next to me “Look at the back and forth motion, it’s eerily similar to Mankind. Oh, now look, he’s going classic overhand for a bit and twisting at the base. He must be going off some hot memories, or picturing himself getting blown by two large-breasted chimps, which is amazing because that’s exactly how Man does it as well. This jungle could very well be the birthplace of the phrase ‘Spanking the Chimp”, and all she could do was nod. Other than that, there were a lot of magical moments, and I was only too happy to have spent $10.50 to share them with 300 other strangers.

In closing, I highly recommend this film, but if you’re a parent, get ready to field some pretty weird inquiries, such as “Daddy, why does Oscar keep trying to kiss his pee-pee?” and “Did you learn how to wrestle mommy from behind by watching chimps?”