Boston, MA – (Author’s note: This is longer than your typical blog, but you’re at work so what else do you have going on?) As an inventor with an above average IQ (information quota), I am always coming up with new ideas to improve the human experience and the ways we interract with our surroundings. Just a few weeks ago I showed you some never before released blueprints of my portable fan that cools down everyone in the room simultaneously. I am currently having preliminary conversations with investors, however, a few of them have balked at my insistence of calling the fan “The Testicooler.” I’ve also been noodling away a couple of other ideas and want to share them with you. The first one is the world’s smallest tanning bed that allows you to remove your wedding ring and immediately tan your ring finger. This would be perfect for when you are meeting that special someone at the Red Roof Inn and you simply do not want them to know you are married. As an added bonus, I suppose if you were small enough you could also put your dick in there and tan it at your own relaxed pace, rather than having no control and risking a scorched/cracking scrotum like you would with a conventional tanning bed. This would be ideal for men that need a tan penis for some reason. Maybe you want to lay it on a tiny chaise lounge wearing a little fedora and sunglasses to take a silly picture, that way you can send it to friends via Twitter about how your dick is on vacation. I don’t know.
The next invention idea I have is more like a wish. I wish someone would build a very lightweight computer tablet. While the current tablets on the market are certainly light and easy to manage, I just feel like I am one body spasm or violent tug away from having my iPad tip over while it’s balancing on my chest and knocking out my two front teeth as I’m watching porn.
Now, my new invention could very well be the ‘mother’ of all inventions, so get ready to sound the pun alarm because I call it the…..drumroll….”MotherSucker.” What is the MotherSucker? Well, you know how Monday mornings you hate yourself so much because you’ve completely caved into the idea of spending your life working at a desk to help make someone else rich, and the only thing that makes you feel good about yourself is jerking off in the shower? Well, what if I told you that the MotherSucker would blow you while you shampoo? Ask yourself honestly how much you would pay for that. Did you say “a gabillion dollars” like I did? All you have to do is install the MotherSucker, start lathering your body with soap and daydreaming about how fun it would be to punch your boss, just like you would during a normal shower, and then let the MotherSucker blow you to completion. It’s unbelievable that I am the first person to come up with this. If you and/or people in your personal or professional network would be interested in getting in on the ground floor and investing in this idea, please contact me at email@example.com.
(The following illustrations are for serious investors only. Please do not look down here if you have no money.)
Here is a sketch of your average male showering before work. Look at him. Take extra note of how he looks defeated, with his brow furrowed, like he can’t believe his entire meaningless life revolves around going to meetings and being involved with a networking group.
And now, the moment you have been waiting for! Here is the rough sketch of my invention the MotherSucker in use. Look at this guy! He is ready to smash through a wall like the Kool-Aid man and do something extraordinary today. I want to make it clear up front that customers will need the assistance of a trustworthy plumber. (Please note that the wig and fake breasts are optional but would come standard with the deluxe model)