Boston, MA – Add “jetski rental” to the list of things that suck to do while on vacation. Mrs. Munson is a huge fan of the excursion, and here’s how we’ve fared over the years of doing them.
1. Swim with the Dolphins! ($100 each). Awful. The dolphins are basically robots that are trained to drag you around the pool in return for minnow treats. My dolphin must have been extra hungry or something, because his dorsal fin came up and donkey kicked my balls, forcing me to ingest a gallon of Dominican pool water while trying to catch my breath. You can only brush your teeth so many times before you finally resign yourself to the fact you have probably just drank AIDS.
2. Swim with the Stingrays! ($95 each). This was before that Australian dickhead was swimming where he didn’t belong, saying shit like “isn’t she gorgeous?” just before he got harpooned to death by that stingray, otherwise I wouldn’t have agreed to this bullshit. It probably would have been a great way to connect with Mother Nature and made for a better story if Mrs. Munson didn’t start freaking out and jump into my arms while she was screaming. I ended up almost dying because it was choppy as shit out and she was doing whatever it took to stay afloat, including but not limited to stuffing my fucking head under water. Total elapsed time of fun? 0:00:00. Total ingested Grand Cayman seawater/boat fuel? One quart. Net loss? $190
3. Booze Cruise ($50 each). This one I liked.
Anyway, not to shoot spoilers all over your face, but wait until you see this fucking idiot try to park his jetski. It came as no surprise to this blogger that the driver is….drumroll….Asian! Nothing against Asians, you guys are always casually smiling about stuff, whether it’s the time you almost died when that power plant shit the bed after the tsunami, or when you’re cutting heads off dolphins to make fake tuna.
“性交の方法を取得してください!” – (loose translation) “Rook out motherfuckers!”