Boston, MA – Well, this chick can’t have too much longer to live. To protect Red and myself from litigation, I usually say “alleged” before I list possible infractions of the law, but there are just too many court documents and pictures taken by THE worst human on earth (paparazzi) to deny these things are anything other than fact. Let’s just review all of the awful things going on her life: drugs, alcohol, drunk driving, arrests, licking Sam Ronson’s pussy, stealing, shoplifting, lip implants, breast implants (this one is good), and “Herbie: Reloaded.” She literally can’t go anywhere without getting arrested. The Hollywood machine is circle jerking all over that saline (breasts or lips, take your pick), and once they’ve milked every last dollar out of her (literally), it’s onto the next chick. At this point, her price quote to appear in a movie must be on par with the guy you hire to make balloon animals at a kids party. (Side note: do a background check on that guy.) Once they know you are having legal and financial issues, your box office draw becomes irrelevant and you are reduced to begging for opportunities, or, in some cases, perhaps even sucking a penis. This level of negotiating is commonly referred to as “the Nic Cage.” (e.g. “My agent and I went to talk to the producer about money, but because they knew about my tax liens, my stints in rehab, and were quickly able to recall my last four flops, I totally had to Nic Cage it.”)
Still, I would with Lindsay, and I want to put my dick into it and my balls into it before she gets her posthume on. Mrs. Munson literally wrote a song last night titled “I Put My Dick In It, I Put My Balls In It”, based on my theory that you can put your dick in, then slowly tuck your balls in there, too. If you don’t think that song will be released on Wicked Improper in the next day or two, you have another thing coming, and that thing is a song about dick and balls.