Wisconsin (Home of cheese) – For this guy, being forced to sleep on the couch might not be much of a punishment. Police in Wisconsin have accused a 46 year old man of enjoying curbside sex with a discarded sofa. Waukesha Patch reports that an off-duty officer was jogging when he spotted Gerard Streator allegedly doing the deed with the furniture. Authorities charged Streator on Thursday with one count of lewd and lascivious behavior, which carries a maximum of nine months in prison. According to a police report obtained by the Smoking Gun, officer Ryan Edwards said Streator “had been thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.” So much for resting in the love seat. When Edwards approached Streator, the suspect allegedly fled. Police arrested him the next day at the hotel where he works.
What the fuck is this world coming to? We now know all we need to know about Gerard Streator, but who is the cop that couldn’t catch a guy running down the street with lint and old popcorn pieces all over his boner?
Cop: (winded) “FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME RUN, GERARD! I’LL CATCH UP WITH YOU AND YOUR VASTLY SUPERIOR STAMINA TOMORROW AT THE FRONT DESK OF THE RED ROOF, YOU COUCH FUCKER!”
This guy gets to live after fucking a sleep sofa to death, but Trayvon gets shot for wearing a hood? Making it worse, this is a discarded sofa we’re talking about. It’s not even a pretty new one like you’d see in the showroom at Jordan’s. So this guy was, what, walking down the street and was like “That’s it, I’m going to put my dick into the next thing I see”? Is that the thought process? “I’m so fucking horny today, instead of just banging my couch, I’m going to head out for a walk with my knob practically tearing through my sweatpants and see if I can’t go fuck some other guy’s old throwaway”? Everyone remembers being a 14 year old kid. I would have run my dick through a table saw if I thought it would make that funny tickle. But this is a grown ass man. Granted, yeah he’s got a wacky eye and shit probably not going a’ight for him, but go into a bird sanctuary and put your dick into a rotted tree stump or something. A couch out in public? Come on, man. Now what happens to that couch? If it had a “free” sign on it, now some motherfucker has to put an asterisk next to “free”, so it says “* – still free, but now it has Gerard Streator’s cum between the cushions.” You fucking asshole, Gerard. I can’t put things on my sidewalk without you and your dick coming along to literally fuck everything up? You’re everything that’s wrong with sidewalk giveaways.