Boston, MA – Lance Armstrong has been ordered by the USADA to return the trophies from his 7 Tour de France victories and his ceremonial yellow jerseys, but they cannot take a decades’ worth of hot memories, including blow and rimjobs, two on ones, three on ones, Asian raft massages, dry handies in first class, hot tub orgies, and playing “Pop Yo’ Dick” where you pop your dick from one chick’s mouth and put it into anothers while McConnaghey takes pictures with his iPhone. Lance has decided not to spend his days trying to repair a tarnished reputation, instead focusing on his Foundations’ work for cancer research. “They can take away my trophies, the yellow jerseys, and my bikes if they want, but they’ll never be able to take away my remaining ball” said Lance. He was, of course, referring to his one lonesome nut, the other testicle being removed and put into a pickle jar after his own battle with cancer. When asked the question the entire world wants to know the answer to, “since you only have one ball, does that mean you only shoot half a load?”, Lance would only say “no comment”, but did add, with a smirk, that he’s very pleased with his volume and frequency of which it’s being released. Lance then compared himself to other athletes that have had awards and records stripped away. He offered the recent travails of Reggie Bush as a comparison to his own situation. “Reggie Bush had to give back his Heisman Trophy, but, let’s face it, he celebrated that night when he won, he got a huge NFL contract which he got to keep, and he always did and always will get the finest pussy imaginable. So, USADA can take all of those things I no longer have a use for anyway. I’m 41, I’m retired, and I will always be able to snap my fingers and get my dick sucked. Have fun at work tomorrow, dickheads.”
Lance is now living in an undisclosed location, focusing his time and effort on allowing women to throw their sopping wet pussies at him simply because he was one of the best in the world to make his feet go around and around on a bicycle sprocket.