Boston, MA – Are you dicking me with this storm tracker? It looks like an octopus at a gay pride rally shooting a rainbow facial all over Cuba or whatever that is. I will bet you anything we will not feel a single raindrop in the Boston area. The panic propaganda machine known as our local news would have you believe you should “go stock up on milk and bread”, but guess what? In a couple of days, according to the Wicked Improper Live Doppler, it’s going to be “a little bit windy.” We’ll all still be at work. If you do buy into this bullshit and go out for milk and bread, maybe consider buying some other shit, too, unless you’re plan for survival is making epic servings of french toast. What would my survival plan entail? I would stock up on ribeyes, cabernet, and fully charge my iPad2 after filling it to the god damn brim with porn. Being prepared for any circumstance, such as inclimate weather, is just one of my core beliefs. So, over the next few days, as you hear a lot of assholes talk about how much fun it can be to lose power and read by candlelight and develop cataracts, remember it was your friend Martin who reminded you to stock up on the essentials. So, do yourself a favor and Google “asian raft massage” today and prepare your downloads in the very likely event that I am wrong about this storm.