Boston, MA – Steve Jobs, who once said the Kindle Fire, “would make a pretty neat coaster” and “it’s like the iPad for illegal Mexicans, lol”, died a few months ago after initially ignoring the world’s finest doctors and common sense. Before he left Apple in the hands of yet another guy who has nothing to do with the design, manufacturing, or direction of their product lines, Jobs was very passionate about making the ugliest boat in history. He was posthumously successful.
Some of us have fond memories of boating. I actually lost my virginity on the deck of a Sunfish, and I’ll obviously never forget that evening. We were just drifting in the moonlight off the coast of Cape Cod, she in a rather large one-piece, and me wearing a pair of hideous Jams, a shadow cast across the bow thanks to the glow of the moon and my tented rod. We had to situate ourselves near the center of the craft, as her body weight had a tendency to make the vessel lean and nearly capsize. I distinctly remember being in the throes of my first 69, when I saw a little plaque in the cubby hole that read “Maximum Suggested Capacity: 500 lbs.” I knew I needed to hurry. It became clear to me that there was the very real possibility we would take on water and perhaps even need to scuttle the vessel. My journey to become a man was finally going to end right now. I stood up from between her massive thighs, my face completely drenched like when Mark Wahlberg was trying to fix those god damn windows on the Andrea Gail. I tried in vain to dry myself off with the sail and steadied myself by holding the mast. I was going purely on animal instinct now. Thanks to the many hours I spent reading Harlequin novels, I knew that women liked to hear a little naughty talk, so I deepened my wavering voice, pointed at her, and delivered the line of my life, “Get ready to be dicked by a 26 year old manboy.” You could literally hear the moisture escaping her, as it sounded like water balloons were shattering on the deck. With that, I entered her and plowed the woman my friends fondly nicknamed “the Seapig” for the best 19 seconds of my life. As she looked up into my eyes, she gently wiped away my tears and her mess from my brow, and said the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard a woman say, “Don’t sweat it, I’ll just get another abortion.”
Thank you for letting me share the story of my first sex with you.