A Video To Honor The Late Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr. (Obviously By ‘Late’ I Don’t Mean Tardy)

w

Wow, you talk about your close calls. This happened in Bulgaria, which is just off the coast of Russia. If you’re going to kill somebody, fucking kill somebody. Don’t be creeping up on this Bulgarian dude with a gun that must have been put together with an Erector Set. You have to test that shit out first. Here’s my unofficial check list for how to kill/assassinate somebody.

1. Be prepared: Know who your target is. Follow them. Think like them. Become them. Have a genuine enthusiasm for taking someone’s life. Have a getaway plan. Wear a moustache.

2. Test the gun by firing it into a pillow in your hotel room. Clean up all of the feathers and locate the bullet fragment(s) and dispose of them properly (i.e. somewhere that cannot be traced back to you.) Then, replace your dead hotel pillow with another pillow that you smuggled in your luggage. This will not only make the room look like it was not tampered with (or that you have been practicing an assassination there), but having your own germ free pillow from home will almost guarantee you a good night’s sleep before you kill your target. Why not just fire the bullet into a pillow at your house to make sure it works, instead of all this smuggling pillows and cleaning feathers? Oh, because I have OCD.

3. The night before you kill, do things as you normally would. Do a few laps in the hotel pool. Get room service. Order porn. Calm your nerves by making a fake vagina using the shower cap supplied by the Hotel and a rather large quantity of their shampoo. Really let that cap have it and maybe even finish up inside for a change. After all, and I don’t want to jinx you, but you might be going to prison or dead tomorrow. Rinse out the shower cap immediately after use, and put it back in the box for the next guest. You do not want the maid noticing anything suspicious.

4. Be confident. You’ve covered all the bases. You have your target? Check. Your gun works? Check. Your nerves are calm as ever because you made love to the Red Roof shower cap? Check, and check (I would do it twice as I have a tendency to be jumpy/horny.)

5. Kill