If A Puck Drops, But Nobody Is There To Hear It, Are They Really Playing Hockey?

"Not that it matters, but those are real."

Boston, MA – As you may know by now, the NHL has welcomed back all of the morons with open arms. Locally, the Bruins PR team is putting on a full court press, which is weird because that’s a basketball term, but grant me a little leeway here. My body has been ravaged by the Flu, so much so that I barely had the energy to pleasure myself six or seven times over the weekend. No, wait…seven. Anyway, maybe I was wrong with my assertion that jerking off will help bring your fever down, but if you blow your nose at the exact moment you launch jism, you’ll swear to christ almighty that those fluids are internally connected. Needless to say, I am breathing very easily now, thanks to the power of your prayers, positive vibes, and self manipulation to the point where it tickles awesome. Now, the Bruins released a statement saying “We look forward to getting back to playing Bruins hockey”, which I guess means playing dump and chase (i.e. icing the puck 17 times a game, which coincidentally allows for more commercials.) I normally don’t talk about sports, mostly because they are pointless, the players do not care about the fans, the entire reason they play is for money and pussy (jealous about that one), and win or lose we all have to work our shitty jobs the next day, but I couldn’t leave this story alone because it has swept an entire nation(s) of sheep. So go ahead, tune in and watch a bunch of millionaires play a sport that hasn’t changed in decades. While the Bruins fans bleed black and gold for some reason, the owners and players only bleed green while leaking cum all over our women. This blogger, for one, will NOT be tuning in….at least not until the playoffs.

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