(Bolded all the parts that made me ‘lol’)
BROOKFIELD, Mass. (AP) — A man in Massachusetts says all he heard was a hiss before a bobcat pounced on him in his own garage, sinking its teeth into his face and its claws in his back. Roger Mundell Jr. went into the garage in Brookfield on Sunday morning to fetch some tie-down straps for a friend when the animal attacked. It then ran out of the garage and bit Mundell’s 15-year-old nephew on the arms and back. Mundell and his wife pinned the cat to the ground and shot it dead. Mundell, his nephew and his wife, are being treated for rabies. His wife wasn’t bitten, but got the animal’s blood on her. State Environmental Police took the bobcat to have it tested for rabies, which they think is likely given its unusual behavior.
And here come the animals! All Roger Mundell Jr. heard was a hiss. “Oh, is there air leaking out of a tire on my Schwinn?” Nope! Guess again, Roger, you’ve got an 80 pound bobcat in your garage! I would have paid anything to see this video (or even a dramatization with an actor going bonkers while wearing a Tony the Tiger costume.) Shit just got real at the Mundell household, and not one time did this article mention all the arm flailing and screams of pure insanity. Fortunately for them, they had an awesome gun handy (albeit, it came a little late to the party) and blew this fucking bobcat’s head off. The point is, this was just a little ol’ bobcat with a bit of a rabies infested mean streak. What if it had been a bear? Or worse, a bear that was working as an undercover operative for al-Queda? We should all get massive amounts of guns and declare jihad on any animals that think it’s a’ight to come in where their shit doesn’t belong. Note to any animals thinking about coming into our natural environment made up primarily of Dunkin’s and Home Depot locations: “We gave you the streams, forests, and mountain ranges. Don’t make us kill you like we did with the Indians.”
So, exactly what did we learn from Roger Mundell, Jr. getting his face ripped off and enduring 90 rabies shots in his abdomen today?
1. Don’t just leave your garage door open.
2. Don’t “fetch” some tie-down straps for a friend like your somebody’s bitch.
3. Never smile, wave, or give off the general impression that wild animals are welcome to visit.
4. Walk around at all times holding a gun even though in all likelihood you will never need it.
5. Kill anything that threatens to kill you/fuck your shit up.
Future NRA member