Dude Tries To Relax In A Yoga Studio By Splashing His Brogurt Around

"This pose is "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Pussy"

NYPost.com – She was finishing her workout — he was just starting his. An Upper West Side woman in post-yoga, meditative bliss was allegedly awakened by the sounds of a maintenance worker pleasuring himself near her mat, a lawsuit claims. Keiko Herskovitz, a regular at Equinox’s Pure Yoga on West 77th Street, says she was in the corpse pose called shavasana, lying with her eyes closed when she “heard someone walk into the room.” Herskovitz ignored the noise until “she felt that there was a person next to her, and she opened her eyes to find a Pure Yoga. . . maintenance associate about two feet away, masturbating,” the suit says. Hershkovitz’s attorney, Eric Creizman, is hiring a private investigator to determine if the maintenance worker “has been involved in additional incidents.” She is suing Related Companies, which owns Equinox, for unspecified damages. A spokesperson for Pure Yoga said the studio is “aware of the allegations and takes them seriously. Police have told us there’s no evidence of a crime.”

Unspecified damages? I thought she was fairly specific: She saw some Mexican guy playing his pantaloon maracas until they would ultimately save her a trip to the juice bar. What an amazing story of where we are as a society, in terms of romance. Somehow, in just 50 short years, we’ve gone from “Pardon me, may I have this dance?” to “Tilt your head back and look at the camera! Open your mouth! WIDER! Baboooosh!” Not saying it’s wrong, just saying we’ve arrived at an extremely fragile time in the history of courting. I actually have a few romantic Hallmark Valentine’s Day card ideas that I’m willing to just put out there, pro-boner, which means I’m not getting paid for them.

1. A card that you send to single guys to let them know that it’s okay to be alone, then when they open it there’s a single serving of lube and one neatly folded Kleenex.

2. A card whose cover says “Remember when…”, then the inside reveals a circular cut-out, maybe 2 to 3 inches in diameter, for those special couples that met through a glory hole.

3. A card that your date opens and has to circle either Y or N to answer the question on everybody’s mind “Are you for abortion?” If she circles “N”, you can tell her that it was very nice meeting her.

4. A card that looks like a lottery ticket with 3 choices, so your wife or girlfriend scratches her own destiny! One prize could show a cork popping from a bottle (she gets champagne!), the second could show a Bon-Bon (chocolates from Ghirardelli!), and the third could show a helmet penetrating someone’s bottom (“Congrats, you just won a trip to Anal World!”)

5. A card that sets a romantic tone for what the evening may hold. For example, when your wife opens her card, she gets squirted in the face.

There really are just too many to list them all. Now, despite my best efforts to find you images of Keiko Herskovitz (whose name sounds like she’d be equally good at giving you a massage as counting the till) I am sorry to report that I was unable to locate any. Anyway, she definitely sounds half Asian, unfortunately, unlike the Asians I know from Xvideos, that half doesn’t sound like it enjoys oil, rafts, or jism launch. Also, before you go, here’s an Asian-related Wicked Improper fun fact: If you open a fortune cookie and it’s empty, that means you’re going to have a miscarriage.