Los Angeles (CNN) — “Corpse Found in LA Hotel’s Water Tank” – Tourists staying at a Los Angeles hotel bathed, brushed teeth and drank with water from a tank in which a young woman’s body was likely decomposing for more than two weeks, police said. Elisa Lam’s corpse was found in the Cecil Hotel’s rooftop water tank by a maintenance worker who was trying to figure out why the water pressure was low Tuesday.
Wow. Talk about developing some deep-rooted phobias if you’re one of those tourists. How would you ever leave your house again without vomiting after something like that happens to you? The following is a dramatization of me going to a therapy group designed to help those tourists.
Psychiatrist: “So, Martin, why don’t you introduce yourself to the group, and if you’re ready, tell us a little bit about what it is you’re doing here.”
Me: (clears throat. sips water. glances around. does other stuff but I don’t want to keep listing them all.) ”Hi, I’m Martin. I’m here because I have fairly specific trust issues, as well as phobias consisting of, but not limited to: drinking water, dental hygiene, staying in hotels, seeing hotels, hearing the word ‘hotel’, asian people, chinese food, traveling, memories, talking to people who know about my past, stories about your travels, you mentioning the word “hotel’, seeing commercials with has-been athletes’s standing half-in/half-out of suitcases shilling some $79 a night motel, laying down, or participating in any activity such as napping or sleeping where nightmares could occur. I guess it all stems back to that time I stayed at the Cecil Hotel in L.A., when that Asian lady was found decomposing in the main water supply. We spent the week unknowingly drinking bits and pieces of a dead body, bathing in her, and on at least one occasion, I was gargling her remains when I was doing an impression of what teabagging must sound like. I remember thinking ‘hey, is it just me, or does this water pressure seem kinda low?’, which, of course, is now hindsight, because that Asian lady’s decomposing body was blocking the pipes or wherever water comes from. So, the water being served to us was being sifted through her skeleton and mummified organs, and I guess once Forensics was done pulling her parts out, the water pressure went back to normal, which is great for, you know, future guests, but you’d have to confirm that with the hotel, because not only have I been vomiting since I checked out, but I have no intention of ever returning, nor do I care about the comfort of future guests, or reading positive reviews on TripAdvisor about how their favorite part of the hotel stay was the absolutely perfect water pressure. For me, the pressure was bad, and the only thing that will ever truly make me forget about that is if I receive enough blunt force trauma to the point where I am no longer alive, as we now know, thanks to worldwide media coverage, that the low pressure was caused by a classic case of “wrong place, wrong time” by a cadaver. I’ll basically be living out my days being introduced as ‘Martin’, but once my back is turned, people will say ‘That’s the guy I was telling you about, the one that drank the dead body in that hotel in L.A. Ewww. Grody. Anyway, fuckin’ sucks to be that guy. lol.’ Other than that, I would say things have been going pretty well for me.”
(Martin sits. Takes a sip of water. Vomits.)