Boston, MA – Nathan Fujita murdered Lauren Astley. Spoiler alert: He and his defense team are claiming insanity. I agree, you’d have to be insane to kill someone. By the very definition of insanity, taking someone’s life has to be right near the very tip top. Of course, in the state of Massachusetts, we reward murderers with a lifetime of food, shelter, tv, and all the jerking off you think you could ever do. In fact, think about all the jerking off you could ever, ever do. Do you have a tug number and/or volume of jism launch in mind? My number is 36,000 if I average 3 times a day spanning the 12,000 days remaining in my life. Thanks to whatever the defense mechanism is called when one refuses to accept ones’ own fate, I did not take into account the fact my dick will probably suffer its’ own death well before my body is finished. Well, prisoners scoff at our numbers. While we all sit in our cubes, earning money to pay taxes towards our prison systems, those guys are having daily jerkoff contests to see who can shoot the farthest, first one to fill a juice cup wins, etc. Anyway, if I could talk to Nathan, I would say “Why, Nathan? With so many unattractive people you could have marked for death, why did it have to be someone so beautiful?” Seriously, look at these two kids. They look like J. Crew models. And while it’s nice to say they had their whole lives ahead of them, etc., we MUST keep in mind that there are now 7 BILLION of us on this planet. We always have and we always will have unexplained violence. It’s in our genes. We’re basically savages that know how to parallel park and download apps. Now, cast your vote for whether or not we should kill Nathan immediately.
Mansfield, MA – Some dogs like going for walks, others like to play fetch. Even my dog, Squirties the Pug, likes to play hide n’ seek. But not Milo the pointer hound. His favorite thing to do was rip the face off a 6 year old kid in Mansfield, requiring 400 stitches to his grill and a lifetime of fear towards virtually all animals. “Hey, want to go to the petting zoo?” “Uh, no thanks, I get kinda antsy around anything with four legs and teeth.” Oddly enough, Milo was originally granted a stay of execution while the ruling to terminate him was being appealed. It was during this appeal where I believe Milo was running with the wrong crowd, and, recidivism rates among doggie violations being what they are, Milo bit some other motherfucker that was creeping on his turf. While your vote is certainly appreciated, at the time of this blog, Milo has already been euthanized by way of electric chair.