(CNN)– Imagine carrying a bowling ball between your legs that weighs close to 200 pounds. If that image is too much to stomach, continue reading with caution. Wesley Warren, 49, spent more than four years with this extra burden before having surgery to repair the damage from a rare medical condition called scrotal lymphedema. When doctors placed the swollen mass they had cut from Warren’s scrotum on the scale, it weighed 132 pounds. That’s not counting the fluid or smaller pieces of tissue the surgeons had also removed from the Las Vegas man. “There are a lot of people that will look and laugh and stare in shock and awe and amazement,” Warren says as he walks down the street in a preview for TLC’s upcoming show “The Man with the 132-Pound Scrotum.” The one-hour special airs Monday at 9 p.m. ET/PT. “It’s tough to deal with it, you know, because essentially, this is a sort of living and breathing freak show.” It began in 2008, Warren told TLC, when he awoke to a shooting pain in his testicles. The tissue around his penis soon began to swell, eventually growing at an estimated rate of 3 pounds per month.
Boston, MA – Throughout the history of Film and Television, there have been many classic titles that are synonymous with greatness: “Chariots of Fire.” “Terms of Endearment.” “Grown Ups 2.” And now, thanks to TLC, that bastion of broadcasting integrity, we have “The Man With The 132 Pound Scrotum.” For those that don’t know what a scrotum is, the other medical term you may be more familiar with is Ballbagus Sackamis. Now, I love how the doctors on this show are treating this guys testicles like it’s a marlin they hooked in Cabo. “Hey, let’s weigh this thing for the cameras!” I have to be honest, I kinda want to see three people who have their degrees in Medicine wrestling two nuts the size of a Fiat onto a scale. The real question is, what was Wesley Warren waiting for? Whether you know what scrotal lymphedema is or not, one of the first warning signs that shit ain’t a’ight is when you can’t get out of bed in the morning because you’re pinned under the weight of your own nut pouch. Didn’t alarm bells start going off when the tissue around his penis began to swell, growing at a rate of 3 pounds per month? I like to think I’d stay pretty chillaxed until I gained, say, 1 pound of extra meat, but anything more and I would lose my shit and drive a car through the wall of the nearest emergency room.
Reception: “SIR?! You could have killed someone!”
Me: (lights and wires swinging from the ceiling, car covered in drywall) “I, NEED, NUT, SURGERY, RIGHT, NOW, BITCH!”
Perhaps most disappointing is, despite their obvious attempt to gain ratings by televising shows about freaks of human nature, TLC doesn’t mention the volume of the various (2?) liquids this guy could be shooting out on the regular. Just imagine Wesley going “BRB, gotta take a piss”, and then you see him and 3 other people at The Outback getting swept down the hall in his rapids. Don’t even get me started on what happens if it were even possible for Wesley to pleasure himself. You would probably just hear the sound of the world’s loudest cork popping, followed by one giant sperm the size of a porpoise hitting the floor. It’s really difficult to picture things like that, but this is the world in which we live.
Have a good morning,