Slingshot ride fail at Hyde Park in London pic.twitter.com/1BbHvZlv9N— Citizen Free Press (@CitizenFreePres) December 15, 2022
Author: Martin Munson
Mayor of Boston Breaks Her Own Mask Mandate Just Hours After Mandating Masks For Everyone Else
Boston, MA – Another day, another politician telling you to live your life one way (i.e. in utter fear), while they live their life another way (stuffing their face with eggplant rollatini, drinking only the very best wines like Yellow Tail, and taking pictures, maskless and smiling, with the owner of the place, and then paying for it all using their per diem, which I think is latin for “with taxpayer money.”) In all fairness, when reached for comment, the mayor said she only took the mask off for a minute so she could take the meaningless picture with the owner, who I guess cherishes meeting famous people in his establishment. I know that before I decide between chicken parm or the veal chop, I like to scan the hallway of pictures for my favorite celebrity and then drill my waiter with endless questions about their experience. I once saw a Hulk Hogan autographed photo that said “To Olive Garden, From Hulk” but there were no other clues, like a dish recommendation or anything, so I just said to my waiter “I’ll have whatever Hulk had” and he goes “Yeah, I wasn’t here for that, so I have no idea bro.” Now, I’m not sure if I was upset because the staff hadn’t been instructed to always remember Hulk’s favorite dish for moments like this, or if I was still bent that we missed the $5.99 appetizer window that ends promptly at 5pm (it was 5:04!) Either way, something came over me and I stood up on my chair, held up my hand and did the classic Hulk Hogan finger point at the waiter, and then with my best Hulk impression I said “What are you gonna do when Hulkamania’s eggplant parm is running wild all over you?!” Both the waiter and my wife just looked at me in silence, and I sat back down, placed the dinner napkin in my lap like a gentleman, and quietly said “I will have the eggplant parm, please. The lady will have the endless salad and breadsticks.” (I was paying)
Oh, and quick side note about Hulk Hogan, yes, he did have sex with his friends wife and they videotaped it and it mysteriously made its’ way to the internet. Perhaps somewhat ironically, this was pre-Covid, so even though Hulk was not wearing a mask it’s interesting to note that his penis was.
Anyway, here is the Mayor’s tweet where she rightfully gets ratio’d to the moon. If you, like me, have endless time to read twitter while some company pays you to sit hunched over a laptop, I highly encourage you to read all the replies to her tweet.
Machete Fight Monday!
WARNING: This video is violent af.
Good morning from the UK! No gun? No problem! These guys basically fight to almost the death here in broad daylight the good, old fashioned way: with machetes! We’re not sure what transpired prior to this fight, but some interesting takeaways of note:
– I have no idea where to buy a machete
– I don’t even know anyone who owns a machete
– This guy is bleeding from his jugular, and casually walks over to his friend like “ho hum, can I borrow your machete for a bit?”
– Be careful who you piss off because some people are not afraid of dying and/or killing you first.
BREAKING: Excerpt From Hunter Biden’s New Book “Beautiful Things” Released
(The following is an excerpt from Hunter Biden’s new book “Beautiful Things” released in book stores everywhere. Oops, those are all closed due to Covid, and the fact that brick and mortar bookstores and libraries are soon to be history all thanks to Amazon. So, just buy it at Amazon.)
Hey, what’s up, it’s me, Hunter Biden. You know my dad, Joe Biden. And you know me from the news and stuff. People mostly know me for all the coke I do, but there’s more to me than just the guy who you picture doing rails off of Abe Lincoln’s nightstand. Maybe you know me from the pictures of my dong they released on the internet, which is cool. It wasn’t like my bare dong, though, it was jammed into my boxer briefs and let’s just say you didn’t have to zoom in to see I had a half-rager. Other stuff you know me from is when my dad (Joe Biden) was able to get my foot in the door with a company in Ukraine and a few others in a few other countries. It’s cool. The paychecks continue to come in even though I don’t have to really, you know, work work. It’s kind of like, having a job, but not having a job, ya know? Like, the best parts of the job still happen (getting paid) but the worst parts don’t (showing up and having to do mundane shit.) One time at my Ukraine job, I guess some shit happened, so my dad Joe Biden stepped in and said to Ukraine like “if you don’t fire the prosecutor, you’re not getting the billion dollars.” Some people say that was committing extortion on live television, and how could someone be so stupid to do that, but I don’t know, man, all I know is it’s cool to have a dad who has your back. I guess they wanted the billion dollars, because they did fire the prosecutor, who just so happened to be investigating the company that was paying me $80,000 a month for my vast experience in energy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. And I guess the billion dollars was like, what, taxpayer money? Who knows, though, and at this point, to quote Hillary Clinton “what difference does it make?” lol. As for my personal life, I’m married now to the love of my life. No, not that one, this other one I knew was the one after a six day courtship. What can you do, the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes so does the bone. The bone also knows what it wants, like the time the bone wanted my dead brother’s widow. Life is weird, man. When you make love to your sister in law it’s like “hey, I would say let’s not make this weird, but this is fuckin’ weird, dude.” Anyway, thanks for buying this book. If sales don’t go well, that’s okay, because I got a huge advance and I get to keep the money even if we only sell four copies. Life is cool. If you get the chance, you should totally publish the memoirs of your family for a shitload of money.
Snow Removal Dispute Ends In Murder :|
PA – Prosecutors said a man in Pennsylvania shot and killed a couple in a murder-suicide over a snow removal dispute on Monday, the same day a major winter storm dumped more than 30 inches of snow in parts of the Northeast.
Jeffrey Spaide fatally shot his neighbors, James Goy and his wife, Lisa Goy, before killing himself on Monday morning. Surveillance video revealed that Spaide and the Goys were involved in disputes before the deadly encounter, prosecutors said.
The video shows that the Goys shoveled snow from their parking spots, pushed it across the street and threw it onto Spaide’s property. After Spaide asked the couple to stop throwing snow onto his property, the neighbors got into an argument where they appear to have exchanged obscene gestures and expletives.
Prosecutors said James Goy threatened Spaide and cocked his fist, prompting Spaide to retreat into his home and return outside with a pistol.
While the Goys acknowledged he had a gun, prosecutors said they continued to shout names at him from the middle of the street. Spaide opened fire and shot the Goys before returning to his home to get another gun to deal the killing blow, according to prosecutors. After killing his neighbors, Spaide went back inside his home where he shot himself as police pulled up to the scene, prosecutors said.
Boston, MA – This is definitely a sad situation all around, and obviously, murder-suicide is never the answer, but if we can remove ourselves from the senseless bloodshed that took place for a moment, I do have to ask this question: What the hell were the Goys doing? According to the video, they “pushed the snow across the street and then onto Spaide’s property.” wtf is that? Everyone knows you should just push it into the street, leaving it for those assholes in the DPW to plow in front of your driveway again. Not only did they shovel their property, they went full beast mode into the street like “fuck it, let’s keep going and dump it all in Jeff’s yard. Fuck him.” They clearly had an issue with Jeff Spaide and were sending some kind of weird, snow-related message, like “hey Jeff, they were calling for 8 inches of snow but we wanted you to have 16.” I mean, imagine being Jeff Spaide for a second, you’re just looking out the window like “oh shit, I’m gonna have to shovel later on…hey, what the fuck?” as you see the Goys piling snow into your driveway.
Now, this is where things get a little dicey, because Jeff goes down there probably to ask the same question any of us would ask, which is “excuse me, what the fuck are you doing?” Even though Jeff simply asked them to stop, they apparently got into an argument and exchanged swears and obscene gestures, but what does that even mean? The middle finger isn’t considered obscene any more, so maybe the Goys were making the jerkoff motion, or who knows, Jeff could have pointed at Mrs. Goy and made the universal sign for hey here is my dick going in and out of your mouth. Either way, things escalated from there and Mr. Goy cocked his fist, which, good on him, would have been taken seriously back in the 1950’s. Unfortunately for Mr. Goy, Jeff was packing multiple heats back at his place, and went to retrieve his gun(s). Well, this is kind of like our blog from last week where that guy went cuckoo because his chicken wings were taking too long, because once someone appears like they’re going to get a gun, it is time to run for your life.
Now, I’m not picking sides, because there were no winners, but here is where I feel like the Goys made yet another mistake. Jeff came back with a gun as promised, which, according the article, the Goys “acknowledged.” Now, I’m not sure how you acknowledge when someone has a gun, but here’s how I do it: “HOLY FUCKING SHIT! THAT GUY HAS A GUN RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!” Not the Goys! They casually continued with the name calling and taunting from the middle of the street. It turns out that Jeff was a pretty good shot, because while the storm was going on and everything, if I’m reading between the lines, he was able to wound both and left them laying in the street. Then he went back to his place to get yet another gun (probably a shotgun) and came back to finish the Goys off once and for all. Most of us will never know the sickening feeling of taking a human life/lives, but there is probably an indescribable wave of nausea that washes over you as you realize you’re a murderer now and people are going to talk negatively about you on Facebook. Oh, and also that you’re going to spend the rest of your life in prison.
Like I said, no winners in this one, let’s just try to be good neighbors to one another and everyone calm the fuck down. Thanks. Oh, and it wouldn’t surprise me if a Keller Williams vampire hasn’t already put “For Sale” signs up at these two properties.
Man Unhappy His Chicken Wings Are Taking Too Long So He Threatens To Kill Everyone At Wing Stop
HOUSTON, Tx — On Thursday, deputies responded to a disturbance at the WingStop located in the 2500 block of FM 1960 Road. Witnesses said the suspect fled in a vehicle. Responding Constable Deputies quickly located the vehicle nearby and conducted a traffic stop. The driver was identified as Tommye Nichols and was found to be in possession of a firearm.
Deputies say Tommye Nichols became upset due to his food not being ready and threatened to shoot everyone at the business. Witnesses said he walked to his car and retrieved a handgun and returned to the business, demanded his food and his money back and continued to make threats.
Boston, MA – Damn, this dude hungry. Also, this dude have massive rage issues, but, that’s the me-me-me “I want everything right now” society we’ve created, so now we all get to live in it. I guess my idea of a disturbance is different than the cops, because a disturbance to me is when a raccoon goes thru your garbage, not when someone threatens to kill a roomful of innocent bystanders. The thing is, if we’re being honest with ourselves, we’ve all been Tommye Nichols at one point or another. You’re hungry, you want your chicken wings, you place the order, and really anything beyond two minutes at a fast food joint and it’s like “what the FUCK is going on back there?” I mean, it’s wings, it’s hot oil, you drop the wings in the oil and they come out in the same amount of time you would expect from a Pop Tart, it’s not that hard. But then, we’ve all been people who work IN a place like the Wing Stop, and it’s one high or drunk asshole after the other, somehow looking down their nose at you even though their own miserable life and poor decisions brought them here in the first place. So, you can kind of understand the workers being like “we’ll get to it when we get to it”, and I suspect this attitude will continue even after they get a preposterous pay hike to $15 an hour.
Oh, and hey, this might come across as kind of a public service announcement, but here’s a little suggestion for the future: If someone becomes so unraveled over a miniscule issue like a tardy order of chicken wings, and they threaten to go out to their car to retrieve a gun so they can come back in and kill everyone? That’s usually a good indication it’s time for you to run for your fucking life. Even if there’s a door with a sign that says “Employees Only”, you can pretty much ignore every day rules when you’re about to be murdered, so go right ahead and cut thru the kitchen. Take me, for example, I would have picked up an occupied baby stroller and thrown it thru a plate glass window to make my escape. I can tell you right now that I would not have stuck around to be a witness for this story, I mean, how does that even happen:
Witness 1 (waiting for wings): “hey, did you hear that guy screaming about how he was going to kill everyone in here because his buffalo wings weren’t ready?”
Witness 2 (also waiting for wings, but also looking at their phone): “whut? oh, yeah, bro has no chill.”
Witness 1: “Well, not only does he have no chill, but it looks like he’s getting something shiny out of the trunk of his car rn. oh hey, wow, do you think that’s the gun he was threatening us about a few minutes ago?”
Witness 2: “bro, I was going to get the Carolina Reaper sauce on my wings, but last time I had those here, I took a wet hot dump that felt like a magician was pulling thirty handkerchiefs out of me. So, I ended up with the ghost pepper sauce, but like, what even are ghost peppers, are those like jalapenos that have died? lol. Anyway, what were you saying about being threatened with senseless murder?”
Summary: Tommye Nichols was arrested and his bond was set at $60,000, or, roughly the equivalent of 120,000 breaded chicken tenders (sauce not included.)
To any of our readers in Houston, be on the lookout for this motherclucker:
BREAKING: Lisa Montgomery Has Arrived In Hell
Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to Lisa Montgomery, who is dead now thanks to good ol’ capital punishment. Her crime? Well, she basically posed as someone who was going to purchase a dog, and when she got there, she strangled the breeder and then used a knife to cut open her stomach and stole the unborn child. Actually, I guess once you come out of there, whether it’s a natural birth, a c-section (stands for caesarean and not the other c), or extraction via Ginsu knife, you’re technically born now whether you like it or not. Of course, this story is from the NY Times, so they used it as yet another opportunity to make it about ol’ Double Impeacho himself, Donald Trump. I mean, this is how the article starts:
“The Trump administration early Wednesday morning executed Lisa M. Montgomery, the only woman on federal death row, whose death marked the first federal execution of a woman in nearly 70 years.” In other words, if you read nothing else, the first paragraph basically says “Trump executed a woman.”
Of course, her attorney and some other assholes (but, I repeat myself) tried to get this bitch off because she had a fucked up childhood. Welcome to the club. Anyway, they confirmed she had a mental illness (gee, ya think?), and thought, you know what, Trump’s having a grand ol’ time at the White House, why don’t we call him to see if he’d like to release a psychopath back into the wild? (Spoiler but not really because you already know she’s dead: Trump said no thanks bruh)
The good news is, Trump has a bit of an impressive hot streak going, and has already executed eleven people (not counting all the terrorists that he got no credit for) during his presidency, and there are two more on the way before he walks out of the White House with his blankie and lunchbox. Corey Higgins and Dustin Higgs are lined up to be smoked this Friday, but guess what, true story, they delayed the executions because both of them have Covid-19. Yes, you read that right, they are not killing these two pieces of shit because they have the virus. I don’t know, you’d think you’d want to just kill them immediately before they have the chance to spread it around? It would be kind of funny if the warden was like “We’re all in this together. Except for those two, take them to the electric chair.”
I know this sounds a little heartless, so I will admit, there are times that the wrong person has been imprisoned/put to death, and that’s a bummer dude. More often that not, they have the right person, and that’s good enough for me. Also, something to keep in mind as you do 23 and Me or Ancestry.com, is they now have your DNA on file and it would take them two seconds to frame you for a murder. They could easily plant some of it on the murder weapon, or shoot it all over a dead hooker’s back, you don’t know. All I know is, whenever DNA evidence is introduced in court, this typically spells bad news for the defendants I’ve seen on reruns of Matlock.
Quick side note: People always talk about what their last prison meal would be, some people say pizza, baked stuff lobster, etc. , but not me. For my last meal, please bring me a pillow case filled with magic mushrooms and put on some Allman Brothers.
Have a great night, bye Lisa.
Face versus Can Of Twisted Tea (Spoiler: Can Wins)
Happy New Year! If you were just sitting there having a mood like “you know what, I’d love to see a racist piece of shit take a 16oz. can of Twisted Tea to his face at immeasurable velocity, but I also want him to live long enough to accept seven punches”, then this is the video for you. This video is kind of like a Lay’s Potato chip, in that no one can have just one. You simply have no choice but to watch it repeatedly, and if someone has the technical ability to splice the video so the can smashes this cracker’s face on a loop, kind of like when Marcia Brady dreams about that basketball smashing Carol’s favorite vase over and over, I am here for it. But, instead of looping “don’t play ball in the house!”, make the audio into “don’t call the huge black guy at the 7-Eleven the n word!”
Probably the most puzzling thing about this video, besides the fact that meth head somehow didn’t die, is the part where he says “I’m not trying to disrespect you” and then starts dropping the n word like it’s hot (it isn’t.) That is literally the opposite of not disrespecting someone. And you know what, we could probably just blame the public school system for his poor English comprehension. It just goes to show that some people learn one way (i.e. reading books, listening to a teacher, looking at a chalkboard, etc.), and some people learn another way, like from real life experiences, such as blunt force trauma to their face. All it took for this guy to learn today’s lesson was having his face get nuked by a soft drink, and I guarantee you he will never use that word again.*
Honorable Mention: Shout out to the cashier who stands there absolutely stone faced, as if it’s second nature to end a shift by mopping blood and drawing chalk outlines around a customer’s dead body.
* – in public
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Home School Student Named Valedictorian Despite Earning Poor Grades
Boston, MA – Chris Dutton, 11, of Melrose, MA was named valedictorian of The Chris Dutton Home School despite earning a sub-par GPA of just 1.3. Said his mom, Trish Dutton, who went to public schools and stayed back a few times: “We knew Chris was the right choice when it came time to name a valedictorian. Now, granted, he’s the only student in the entire school, and there are things he needs to work on, like his mathing, geographies, history, and shit like that, but there are some things he’s good at that’ll serve him very well in life. For example, he memorized every button on the Comcast remote, and was able to navigate around in the guide even though we had him blindfolded. We think he may have even hacked the parental codes, because someone accidentally rented “MILF Blaster 8: Still Blastin”, which coincidentally is my husband’s favorite genre of adult entertainment. That part won’t make it into this story, though, will it?”
Here is a breakdown of Chris’ grades and his mom’s notes where there may be areas of improvement:
Geography: (D+) Chris needs to work on his area codes, and norths and souths. Also, on the final exam, he was asked to name some famous mountains in the US, and he answered Space Mountain and Mountain Dew. When asked how many oceans we have, he thought the earth just had one big ocean, which is a pretty good point because they are all technically connected. He also said there were 57 states, which is wrong, so he’s either confusing that number with how many flavors Heinz offers, or, he just remembers his hero Barack Obama thinking there were 57 states in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpGH02DtIws
Math: (F) Chris is 100% reliant on Siri to do all of his math calculations at this point. He scored a perfect 100 on his basic math final, but when I took his phone away and re-tested him, he scored a perfect zero. He told me he won’t need to remember math in the future, and that he wants to be just like his dad when he grows up. So, to prepare him for that bleak, predictable, and monotonous future, we decided to turn his room into an exact replica of his dad’s cubicle.
Intangibles: (A) Chris excels in areas that don’t always show up in the grades, like making his bed and brushing his chompers. Also, he is already showing signs that he can make it in corporate America, such as smiling and nodding a lot, while gazing off into the distance. And, even though class starts at 9am sharp, just like a typical American employee, Chris spends the first 30 minutes of the day leaning against the counter in our kitchen, making inane chit chat like “the weekends are never long enough, are they” and “jesus, what are we using for coffee filters around here, an old pair of my Hanes?”
At the time of this blog, Chris has not written his valedictorian speech, but said it will be “kinda dope” and include some sick cheat codes to Fortnite.