The Media Stopped Talking About It, So I Guess The Amazon Fires Must Be Out

“fuck it, just cut and paste an old picture of the same fires that have been burning since the beginning of time” – celebrities (and now, me)

Right around the time President Donald Trump was announcing that he would be waiving outstanding student loan debt for disabled military veterans (pretty cool, right?), the mainstream media and a few celebritards decided now was a good time to sow discord and release dated pictures of typical fires in the Amazon. Among them, Emmanuel Macron, a politician, Madonna, a singer, and Cristian Ronaldo, who is a soccer ball kicker. Unfortunately, the student loan waiver does not apply to soldiers like me, who served my country during COUNTLESS tours on both American soil and overseas, where I took heavy fire from terrorists in a little game known as Call of Duty 4.

Now, while I admit fires in the Amazon are somewhat concerning, it should be noted that over the past 15 years, per NASA fuckin scientists, there have been more fires in the Amazon than what is currently burning right now. This is why you don’t see celebrities, or really anyone else, running around with five gallon buckets of water and shitting their pants trying to put this thing out. So, relax baby, it’s called the Amazon rainforest for a reason.

Meanwhile, Leonardo DiCaprio has just pledged $5 million to help with the fires, but obviously where that money goes (or proof of such a transaction ever taking place) is anyone’s guess. While I commend him for his efforts, writing a check for $5 million to him is like you or I throwing fifty cents down the sewer. That’s maybe 50% of his earnings for “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”, which, thru no fault of his, was an utter piece of garbage. No spoilers, but at one point during the movie, I daydreamed that a shooter came into our theater and I was totally okay with it.

So, don’t worry about the media-projected crisis du jour (mmm, the crisis of the day, I’ll have that), instead, worry about what story is being broomed to make way for this fear mongering bullshit. Let’s get a conversation going in the comments regarding broomed stories. Here, I’ll go first: The Las Vegas Shooting. Here, I’ll go second: Anthony Weiner’s laptop. Here, I’ll go third: Young men keep dying in high-powered Democratic donor Ed Buck’s apartment. Here, I’ll go fourth, and fucking so on and so on.

Thanks,

Martin

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“Collide” Singer Howie Day Arrested For Assaulting His Ex-Girlfriend. No Word Yet On Whether Or Not He Has Any Other Songs.

“hey, can I borrow 500 bucks? Like, right now?”

NY Post – “Collide” singer Howie Day was arrested for assaulting his ex-girlfriend in a Manhattan hotel, authorities said. Howard K. Day, 34, was charged with assault and arraigned Saturday in Manhattan Criminal Court.

The Seattle-based singer allegedly began arguing with his girlfriend Friday afternoon when he angrily grabbed the woman, threw her around and wrapped his hands around her throat, police said. “I’m going through Xanax withdrawal, I’m going to pass out,” he apparently told an officer after he being taken into custody, according to prosecutors.

The victim, who sought medical attention after the assault, got an order of protection against Day, who is currently on tour. Day also faces charges of criminal obstruction of breathing, assault, and criminal possession of a controlled substance. Day did not enter a plea and is being held on $500 bail.

I’m not sure who edits this celebrity story excrement at the NY Post, but the article says he assaulted his ex-girlfriend in a hotel, and then the very next paragraph starts with “began arguing with his girlfriend Friday afternoon.” Well, which one is it, is she the ex, or is she the current girlfriend? In the grand scheme of things, I suppose it doesn’t matter much, but at least have a disclaimer like “We no longer edit or proofread our articles because the majority of people who are genuinely interested in stories like this are vapid morons. Don’t forget to click around on our ads!”

Plus, this seems like it went further than just getting a little physical. Arguing with a woman? ok. Angrily grabbing a woman? Not ok, but we’ll allow it without knowing all the circumstances. Threw her around? That’s really not okay. Wrapped his hands around her throat, or, “criminal obstruction of breathing”, which I guess is a new fancy legal term for choking? That no longer seems like assault, that sounds like attempted murder. And, while it’s nice for Howie to blame his current condition on Xanax (and will probably use that in his upcoming defense), I want my rock n’ roll stories to be riddled with coke and heroin use. I mean, copping to Xanax addiction would be like Tommy Lee getting pulled over because he was wasted on White Claws. Can you even imagine the headline? “Motley Crue Bad Boy Arrested For Driving His Ford Fusion While Intoxicated On Ruby Grapefruit Hard Seltzers.”

There are no winners in this story, so to quote Howie Day’s own song, Collide, ♫ even the best fall down some times ♫ (you just hope it’s not your former lover who’s been touring the low-level rock club circuit playing the same one hit, night in and night out, and ends up putting you in a fucking choke hold.)

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Want To See Something That Will Make You Never Ride An Elevator Again As Long As You Live?

NY POST – One of every New Yorker’s worst nightmares played out Thursday morning when a Kips Bay man was crushed to death by an elevator in his luxury high-rise as his horrified neighbors looked on, authorities said.

Sam Waisbren, 30, clawed desperately to escape the packed lift as it plunged from the lobby into the darkness of the shaft below, but he was crushed between the elevator car and the shaft wall, according to officials.

As one woman stands waiting, the elevator door opens into the lobby and a man wearing a backpack emerges, then wheels around as the lift gives way and Waisbren and five others go rocketing downward, the clip shows.

Jesus Christ almighty. I really didn’t need this today. I’m already horrified of dying a few dozen ways, and right up there at the tippy top is:

  1. Going for a stroll in the woods, just minding my own business, then getting ripped apart and devoured by a bear.
  2. Getting eaten alive by a shark, and the last thing I ever see is people on the beach yelling stupid, pointless shit like “try to swim away!” and “just jam your thumb into its’ eye!” as I continue to get chomped and eventually submerge into the darkness.
  3. Accidentally crossing the border into Syria and stumbling upon a bunch of ISIS guys playing Rummy.

And now, even though I hadn’t considered it before, I (we?) have to worry about elevators just giving way between floors. I’m bumping this video down a bit, that way it will give you some time to decide whether or not you really want to see it. By the way, that’s nice of the NY Post to suggest it’s one of every New Yorker’s worst nightmares, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s a nightmare for virtually anyone who has upcoming plans to get on an elevator.

After watching this video, I kind of want them to update Aerosmith’s “Love in an Elevator” video script:

Hot Chick: Good Morning, Mr. Tyler. Going…..down?

Steven Tyler: No thanks, I think I’ll take the stairs.

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Patrick Chung Indicted on Cocaine Charges But He Is Going To Be Fine

“Wasn’t Mine”

NY Post – New England Patriots safety Patrick Chung was indicted on Aug. 8 for cocaine possession, according to multiple reports, after knowingly possessing cocaine on June 25. “We are aware of the reports regarding Patrick Chung. We will not be commenting while his judicial proceedings take place,” the Patriots said in a statement.

Chung, 32, is scheduled for an arraignment next Wednesday.

Citing a source, Jim Murray of The Sports Hub in Boston tweeted that Chung’s home had an “alarm tripped for a B&E.” Murray wrote that police showed up at the home, had probable cause to enter and found cocaine, leading to the indictment. According to the Laconia Daily Sun, town records show Chung owns a lakeside home in Meredith, N.H.

Defendants are required to appear at arraignments, unless a request stating otherwise is granted. Cocaine possession is a Class B felony. It carries a prison term of up to seven years.

Two Spoiler alerts for you on this story: One, the Patriots will not be commenting while the judicial proceedings take place, but, they also aren’t going to be commenting after they take place, either. What would be the point? I mean, can you really imagine them saying “Well, we would love to talk about hoisting yet another championship banner to start the season, but first, who’s ready for an update on Patrick Chung’s coke fiasco?”

The second spoiler alert is, there is no way these charges are going to stick. If I’m his defense attorney, the first and only thing I’m going to say is “Your honor, the alarm went off at Patrick’s vacation home, which alerted local authorities of a potential breaking and entering. Given that Patrick wasn’t home at the time, one has to assume that the suspects dropped their cocaine, because the Patrick I know, of the world champion New England Patriots, would never do something like that.” 😉

Now, I watch a lot of Law & Order reruns, so I like to dramatize things a bit. My guess is, it won’t even get that far. Lawyers from both sides will meet in some back room (or maybe by FaceTime now?) and just say “Look, you can’t prove the coke is his”, and it will be broomed. If the prosecution decides to get cute and ask for videotape evidence from the home that night, simply use the Jeffrey Epstein prison tapes alibi, or as its’ legally called “Video Cameras Malfunctionus Due to Bribus Maximus.”

In closing, I feel sorry for Patrick Chung. One moment, he gets an alert that someone broke into his vacation house, and the next moment (or, unlike if this were to happen to you or I, a couple of weeks later), he’s getting indicted because someone left a little coca-een-ya behind. Message to Patrick’s friends (OR the breaking and entering suspects): This is a vacation home on a lake, you want to forget your flip flops here, a phone charger, etc., fine, but hey, could you do Patrick a favor and maybe take a second look around to see if you left something that carries a felony prison term and/or potentially contract nullifying substances lying around? Thanks.

In closing closing, I don’t believe Patrick Chung is a cocaine user, however, if he was, this would totally explain how he ran the 40 yard dash in 1.7 seconds.

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How To Flirt With Girls On The Internet, by Martin Munson

Here is an email between me and Anastasiya, who was looking for love in, of all places, my spam folder.

To: Martin
From: Anastasiya
Date: 7/10/18

Good day, hope my letter will please and surpise you. My name is Anastasiya, i’m 29. I am a alone beautiful girl and never married. In this world, many ways to get acquainted. However, everyone is looking for a closest person. Who can understand and support in difficult times.

You can be financially and physically okay, but maybe you lack the emotional side. In search of a good friend, loved one, second half. Trust and faith in each other! Not just for flirting and fun. The main thing is not to be lonely. To love and to be loved. I think this is the wish of everyone. How far are you willing to go for this? How old are you? I found information about you on one of the social network. I can not say where exactly.

It seems it was Facebook. I hope you got this message. I decided to direct message to you, because im tired of all these social networks, advertising. I removed my profile on social networks. Interesting fact, but according to statistics, the number of women in the world at 10% bigger than men. lol.

And decent men who are looking for strong and serious relationship even less. Sadly about this. And i would be the happiest girl in this world if i get a response from you. I set up a positive dialogue between us.

The start of our communication is trust and understanding.

Will be just fine if we can exchange our photos, waiting for mutuality. I would like to know you. I look forward to when you become the most beloved person for me and our future relations.

With regards and kiss, Anastasiya!! Waiting for a response from you.

To: Anastasiya
From: Martin
Date: 7/11/18

Hi Anastasiya,
Thank you for the email. This letter both pleased and surprised me. You missed the second ‘r’ in surprise but I forgive you. You are 29, alone, and beautiful. I am 45, married, and people have said I look like Fred Savage, if he kind of lived in the woods.
There are many, many ways to be acquainted. We live in very interesting times. There are some old fashioned ways to meet, such as over a cup of coffee, or a nice chat on the telephone. Of course, given today’s technology, it would also be easy to exchange pictures of one another’s unmentionables. You may not have heard of this term before, but there is something called “a dick pic”, where a gentleman may snap a picture of his peen (big or small does not matter) and send it to a gal. If she likes it, great, there are good times ahead some night after a few apps at TGI Friday’s. If she doesn’t like it, well there is no harm there either, Toots, just drag it on over to the ol’ trash bin. There’s no need to bring the authorities into this thing. (right?)
You found me on a social network but refuse to say which one? I don’t know why you are being secretive, but for now maybe it is best to keep some mystery between us. You have asked me how far I am willing to go, and I have thought long and hard about this. I have to stock up this weekend on what some would consider to be an alarming quantity of alcohol, so, could you perhaps meet me at the New Hampshire State Liquor Store?
I have questions for you now because your English is very good but still not quite good enough where I can determine whether or not you even have an average intelligence level. You stated that you removed your profile from all social networks, and I am now wondering if that was court ordered. No biggie, the courts can get kinda weird when it comes to internet access for people who have issues, whether they are drug/alcohol related, or just online looking for random love ❤. I put that heart emoji in there just for the fuck of it. Anyway, you said women outnumber men on earth by 10%, and even if that’s true (I don’t care), but then you said “lol.” I don’t get that. Even if you were providing scientific data, or figures you had obtained DIRECTLY from the census bureau, why would you lol about that? Something is amiss, and I feel like as a young woman reaching out to an older, and okay, yes, sexy man, that you wouldn’t necessarily draw attention to the fact there are plenty of fish in the sea. If I were you, I would fudge the numbers and make it seem like supplies were dwindling, this way your dating prospects would increase exponentially. Let me know if you get that.
Before we exchange photos, there is something I want you to know about me. You may not like it, Anastasiya, but if we don’t start off being open and honest with each other, then we will just end up like the other 97% of relationships out there. I have boned several women that I am not very proud of. A few times I simply had no choice, because they would not leave my dorm room otherwise. You know how they can be. But, being the good sport I am, I put on my hard hat and off to work I went. Baboosh, baboosh, baboosh. Yep. Just kept pounding away as my roommate slept below, and don’t even ask me how because these were some rickety ass bunk beds. I’m not trying to show off but my pelvic thrusts would probably measure a 3.2 on the Richter Scale. Anyway, I would just drill these women until we passed out, or they would tell me it was time for them to go (AMEN!) I hardly doubt I ever satisfied them, and I’m not sure if it matters all that much. All I know is I never had a problem finishing, ruining quite a few sets of sheets from Home Goods, several pillow cases, and one time even my roommate’s face got splattered. I would rather tell you these things about me now then have you hear them from someone else later. The last thing I want is for you to hear these stories if you ever meet my roommate, Craig, who unfortunately has to wear an eye-patch now.
ok, I have to hit the hay. Let me know your deets and don’t hold back if there is some weird shit going on in your life besides this email.
Martin
To be continued….with pics.
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Jon Snow Gets Married Causing 46 Million Female Fans To Fly Their Vaginas At Half Mast

BREAKING: Jon Snow, whose name in real life is Kit Harrington (short for Kitten Harrington), married “the ugly chick” from Game of Thrones.  Please note, I’M not saying she’s the ugly chick, I’m putting it in quotes because a lot of the clams you and I both know are calling her “the ugly chick” as if they had a shot with this dude to begin with. Like, oh, if it wasn’t for the two of them acting out a bunch of near-death, yet at the same time, erotic scenes (which take about 70 takes to get one right, so that’s a lot of body rubbin’), then he’d be in the market for your every day, run of the mill trollop. Well, spoiler alert, she’s not “the ugly chick”, that should be reserved for the old coot who kinda lol’d after Cersei’s kid jumped off the balcony (she wasn’t alone.) And to even say she’s ugly isn’t fair, because she’s 70 or whatever, and the only people who weren’t ugly at 70 are Sophia Loren (probably still would) and that’s really about it.

Ick, gross:

Among the Game of Thrones castmates present to witness the nuptuals, but who will not be present in 1-3 years for the divorce proceedings were: Emilia Clarke (the Mother of Dragons, burned a bunch of people alive, banged Khal Drogo, etc.), and Sophie Turner (who plays Sansa Stark and was relentlessly hit on by Lord Balish before they cut his head and dick off.) I don’t even know how regular dudes attend celebrity weddings without popping wood the whole time. Can you even imagine being a groomsman and getting paired up with Sansa or Cersei? The DJ would be like “and now, here comes Lena “Cersei Lannister” Headey, and her groomsman, Martin Munson!” and as we make our way across the dance floor my boneser tears thru the bottoms of my tuxedo rental. Shame, shame, shame, indeed.

Peter Dinklage was also there, but, despite rumors, he was not tossed down the hall into a bunch of oversized bowling pins.

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