Barbershop 4: Pitbull Gone Wild

Boston, MA – Unfortunately, there’s no audio for this video, but fortunately, I have the time to transcribe it for you.

Customer 1: “Oh my heavens. What ever is that in the mirror? I do believe an unleashed pitbull has entered your barber shop without an appointment. lol. j/k. But please, would you do me the honor of turning me about and let us confirm if my eyes are deceiving me?”

Barber: “Good lord. You’re right. An unleashed pitbull has entered my barber shop, and if I am not mistaken, he looks to be rather agitated.”

Customer 2: “Sir, would you mind terribly if I climbed on top of this barber chair in an attempt to prevent this unleashed pitbull from biting my testicles off?”

Barber: “Well I must insist! Your request gives me a delightful idea as I may climb onto the chair adjacent to yours. Like you, I am also very interested in protecting my testicles.”

Pitbull: “Good afternoon, Gentlemen. Please be my guest and blame what is about to happen on my owner, because excrement is about to get very real all the way up in here.”

 

 

(thanks to Curley for the vid)

Griffon Vultures Ruin A Woman’s Hike After She Herself Had Already Ruined It By Falling 1,000 Feet

"Griffon Vultures 1, Fallen Hiker 0"

 

 

France – A hiker who plunged 1,000 feet to her death was eaten by Griffon vultures before she could be rescued. The 52-year-old’s bones, clothes and shoes were all that remained after being pounced on by the scavengers in the French/Spanish Pyrenees mountain range. They devoured her body in just 40 minutes. The woman is believed to have died during the April 14 fall, rather than from being attacked by the birds.

 

Boston, MA (and in the Pyrenees, France where Lance Armstrong won his Tour de France’s with one ball and wildebeest blood in his veins) – Well, I guess this hiker didn’t see the signs about not feeding the wildlife. Anyway, what’s the last thing you want to hear after you’ve fallen 1,000 feet? If you said “A dozen Griffon vultures going “CAW! CAW!” as they circle my broken body” you were right! Griffon vultures are known to have razor sharp talons and beaks they use to crack open shellfish and coconuts. If you close your eyes right now (but somehow keep reading this), imagine the sensation of falling 1,000 feet to what you think is going to be your instant death. But no. Griffa please! The first thing you feel is simultaneously breaking every bone in your body. Try to make light of the situation by singing “The head bone connected to the, neck bone, the neck bone connected to the, shoulder bone” and so on, but with the understanding that nothing is no longer connected. The next sensation you feel is a delusional one, and it’s a genetic defense mechanism all human’s have that says, and you’ll forgive me for not having the medical term handy, but basically, “Hey, maybe shit gonna a’ight.” The third and final sensation you’ll ever feel is one of false hope, and what you think are shadows from the rotating propeller blades of a Red Cross helicopter coming to save you are really the shadows of 70 Griffon Vultures coming to peck your dick off.

 

 

Guy Breaks Into A Home And Gets Caught Masturbating But Not Before Taking A Well Deserved Recess With A Toy Helicopter

"Hi, I broke into someone's house and masturbated on their bed."

 

St. Augustine, Florida – Jason Lee Vickery, 23, broke into a home in St. Augustine, Fla. Wednesday and was about to masturbate when he got distracted by a green remote-controlled helicopter, according to a St. Johns County Sheriff’s report obtained by HuffPost Weird News. Vickery sought out the toy’s batteries and flew the helicopter for a while, “thus depriving the owner of the item” and its battery life, the report states. At some point while inside the home, he ate a salad he happened to have with him, investigators told Action News Jax. After getting his fill of leafy greens, Vickery allegedly masturbated in the bathroom on the second floor, but stopped and went to the backyard because he heard voices coming from outside. The voices belonged to deputies, who arrested him. Officials say they confiscated a bag of marijuana, as well as other drug paraphernalia, a pouch of chewing tobacco, a towel and a wig. Vickery was charged with larceny and burglary.

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Oh, don’t you hate that? There you are, minding your own business, just breaking into a private residence looking for yet another place to jack off, eat your Cobb salad, and wear your wig in peace and quiet, and the next thing you know a remote control helicopter catches your eye. You’re like “Okay, now just wait a minute, dick and salad. First things first, Imma take this helicopter for a spin. Oh, what? No batteries? Well, let me just put the lid back on this salad and put my dick back into my briefs and go find some.” Then you’re searching out the batteries with the perfect bite of salad in your mouth (i.e. two leafs of green, 1 crouton that’s been broken into little crispy bits from your chewing while lightly coated in dressing as it gets tossed around inside your mouth), not to mention, a raging, impatient erection that’s tenting your underpants. It’s almost like your dick doesn’t know how much fun it is to fly a toy helicopter. Your dick is really not unlike a child that doesn’t want to behave and wait its’ turn. Anyway, you find the battery, load it into the helicopter, and tell your dick if it behaves it will be rewarded shortly after your flight by getting massaged all over a complete strangers bed while you both commit a felony.

The real shame in all of this is that it could have been prevented if some spoiled rotten brat had simply put their toys away. Speaking of children, here’s a limerick I titled “The Masturbator of St. Augustine”:

Hickory Dickory Dock,

Jason Lee Vickery was stroking his cock,

If it weren’t for those Coppers,

and that damned helicopter,

He may have beat off in your sock.

Who Dat? Zubeidat!

Boston, MA – Welcome to Wicked Improper, the home of inspirational blogs, tweets, movie reviews, gratuitous cleavage imagery, open discussion forums about genital health, and other various works of art. If you’re a first time visitor, welcome. Welcome! Today, we pay homage, in the form of clip art, to a woman who has one of the most evil vaginas in history, right up there with Adolf Hitler’s mom and Kris Jenner. The woman is none other than Zubeidat Tsarnaev, who had not one but two offspring that were born with the Devil inside them. As you may have heard by now, Dzohkhar and Tamerlin were responsible for the Boston Marathon bombings. While you sit in your office (but most likely a cube), Satan and his buddies are taking turns shooting lava loads all over Tamerlin’s face. That was the good news. The bad news is that Dzohkhar is now living in Fort Devens on the taxpayer dime, playing backgammon, eating Snickers, and racing the other inmates to see who can be first to fill up a coffee mug with their Brogurt. Please spare me the arguments about how they’re going to seek the Death Penalty. In twenty years, he’ll still be in Fort Devens, with probably 800 filled coffee mugs of Brogurt under his belt, and I’ll still be here, sitting in this FUCKING cube writing this bullshit for free/pro-boner.

Without further adieu, we give you a woman who no doubt has sharp, venomous teeth lining the entrance walls to her vagina. I would imagine love make with her would not be unlike making love on the beach: It sounds like a great idea when you start, but once a couple of handfuls of sand get in that pussy, it feels like you’re basically fucking a pile of gravel. Okay, there was some further adieu, but it was worth it. Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together for the Whore of Chechnya, Zubeidat Tsarnaev!

 

 

 

 

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Look At The Happy Family!

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"Everybody say "JIHAD!"

Boston, MA – Gee, I wonder where all of the hate and animosity towards the American way of life began festering. These are Tsarnaev’s during, well, I would say “happier times” but they are wearing the expression of people who all want to feel the sweet embrace of death. I actually feel bad for the photographer. I mean, he did the best he could with what he had to work with, but dude on the left just showed up for the family photo wearing Latka’s auto mechanic jumpsuit? The mother, Zubeidat The Douchebag (a former Ms. Wednesday Wouldya?) looks like she just got absolutely pounded for the thousandth time on a filthy mattress. And, I don’t know why a corporal in the Chechnyan Army has to be in the photo, but you know what they say in Chechnya: “When you take family photo, we put someone in from Military to help lighten mood.” Little Flower Bud there is Tamerlin, who would grow up to be one of the most hated men in American history after he bombed the Boston Marathon. Thankfully, he was shot by the police and then squished to death under a Mercedes SUV (can you even imagine those car payments) driven by his brother, and whose soul is now probably being gored by Satan’s 900 inch cock at this very moment. Actually, all of us that read this blog are intelligent enough to know there is no heaven or hell waiting, but it’s nice to daydream about Satan using his burning red dick to wear Tamerlin’s stretched asshole as a mitten for eternity. Dzhokhar (not shown), was either in yet another putrid load in a long list of forgotten, anonymous loads left behind on Mommy’s back or previously mentioned filthy mattress, or, is perhaps in the sperm/egg incubation stage in this photo, trying to wiggle his way into another evil egg inside of Mommy’s evil rotten stinking pussy. If you’re not able to piece together my feelings towards Zubeidat The Douchebag from the context of this blog, it’s that I want that fucking cunt to die.

In closing, they were living off EBT cards paid for with your hard-earned (but easily taken) tax dollars.

I hope your Monday is going well.
Martin

“Thank You For Shopping At Ikea, We Just Served You Meatballs That Contain Horse”

"Ikea: Something for all Tastes"

 

Boston, MA and Sweden (pronounced “Svee-din” in most massage porns) – Guttentag! That’s how you say ”good morning!” in German when you’re in Sweden. Hey, did you hear the one about the pretty big home furnishings mega fucking empire that was putting horse meat into their in-store snack meatballs to save a couple of dollars? Jesus Christ. I mean, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him climb into a meat grinder. Someone had to have been bulldozing them in there, or worse, maybe even ordered them in at gun point. I’ve actually never been to Ikea. Anyone that has been there and sampled those little toothpicked delights must be puking all over themselves right now, and possibly for eternity. I know one thing: If I ever visit their snack bar I won’t be ordering the Filly Cheese Steak, otherwise I could end up with the trots. If you suddenly find yourself on Equestrian Pun overload, that’s because there were two of them in that last sentence. Probably could’ve added a third, but I’m not sure any of you are stable enough to handle it. Anyway, how does something like this happen in this day in age? There had to have been some kind of a meeting where this idea was presented:

Chairman: “All in favor of cutting corners by using horse meat in our meatballs?”

Board of Directors: “Aye!”

One horse ducking down in the way back: “Neighhhh!!!”

So, where does this leave us? You have that pink slime in hamburgers. You have women who have no business putting on Yoga pants but they do anyway, even though that has no relevance whatsoever to this blog. You have shredded horses in the meatballs at Ikea. What will we find out next, that the McDonald’s Shamrock shake is made with ground up leprechaun meat? If you can’t trust the mega-conglomerate corporations with your health and wellbeing, then who can you trust? Who, guys?

 

Steve Irwin Was A God Damned Warning To Us All

 

 

I know we all have our panties in a bunch about how dangerous guns are, but I think we might be taking our eyes off the ball a little.  I don’t want to be an alarmist, but we are all going to die immediately at the hands of the fucking (spelled out this time ’cause I’m serious) animal kingdom.  Here is a sampling of headlines from the last few days:

     1.  Insane Probably Rabid Dolphins Stampede Boat Like A Herd Of Wild Horses
     2.  KRAKEN WAKES!
     3.  T-Rex Of The Seas Found And Wants To Eat Your Babies
     4.  Flesh Eating Shark-Toothed Bird Roams Wild
     5.  Giant Fucking Fish Grabs Man’s Arm, Nearly Takes Him Down To A Watery Death
 
A KRAKEN?!  We’re dead.  We’re dead.  I’ll think the Late Great Bill Paxton summed it up best.

 

 

Perfect Example Of How Guns Are Awesome

"Here kitty kitty"

 

(Bolded all the parts that made me ‘lol’)

BROOKFIELD, Mass. (AP) — A man in Massachusetts says all he heard was a hiss before a bobcat pounced on him in his own garage, sinking its teeth into his face and its claws in his back. Roger Mundell Jr. went into the garage in Brookfield on Sunday morning to fetch some tie-down straps for a friend when the animal attacked. It then ran out of the garage and bit Mundell’s 15-year-old nephew on the arms and back. Mundell and his wife pinned the cat to the ground and shot it dead. Mundell, his nephew and his wife, are being treated for rabies. His wife wasn’t bitten, but got the animal’s blood on her. State Environmental Police took the bobcat to have it tested for rabies, which they think is likely given its unusual behavior.

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And here come the animals! All Roger Mundell Jr. heard was a hiss. “Oh, is there air leaking out of a tire on my Schwinn?” Nope! Guess again, Roger, you’ve got an 80 pound bobcat in your garage! I would have paid anything to see this video (or even a dramatization with an actor going bonkers while wearing a Tony the Tiger costume.) Shit just got real at the Mundell household, and not one time did this article mention all the arm flailing and screams of pure insanity. Fortunately for them, they had an awesome gun handy (albeit, it came a little late to the party) and blew this fucking bobcat’s head off. The point is, this was just a little ol’ bobcat with a bit of a rabies infested mean streak. What if it had been a bear? Or worse, a bear that was working as an undercover operative for al-Queda? We should all get massive amounts of guns and declare jihad on any animals that think it’s a’ight to come in where their shit doesn’t belong. Note to any animals thinking about coming into our natural environment made up primarily of Dunkin’s and Home Depot locations: “We gave you the streams, forests, and mountain ranges. Don’t make us kill you like we did with the Indians.”

So, exactly what did we learn from Roger Mundell, Jr. getting his face ripped off and enduring 90 rabies shots in his abdomen today?

1. Don’t just leave your garage door open.

2. Don’t “fetch” some tie-down straps for a friend like your somebody’s bitch.

3. Never smile, wave, or give off the general impression that wild animals are welcome to visit.

4. Walk around at all times holding a gun even though in all likelihood you will never need it.

5. Kill anything that threatens to kill you/fuck your shit up.

Thanks,

Martin

Future NRA member

(PICTURE UPDATE!)

"Warning: Face is destroyed. Viewer Discretion is advised"

 

Chick Gets Hot Oil Treatment

"Boiling oil + skin = intensive care"

 

(Some parts bolded for ‘lol’ factor)

SALEM, Mass. (AP) — A Lawrence woman has been sentenced to a year in jail for throwing hot cooking oil into the face of another woman she thought was having an affair with her boyfriend. Judith Medina pleaded guilty Thursday to charges including assault and battery causing serious bodily injury. The Eagle-Tribune (http://bit.ly/SQWgO0 ) reports she was sentenced to 2 ½ years in jail, with 18 months suspended. Authorities say the 45-year-old Medina threw oil at 22-year-old Maria Mejia during an argument at Medina’s boyfriend’s apartment in April. Mejia was frying plantains. Medina thought Mejia was having an affair with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said Mejia was a friend who came over to help his daughter pack for a trip. Mejia suffered burns that left permanent scars on her face, chest and arms. Medina apologized in court.

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Wow, that shit right there is medieval. One minute you’re frying the cousin of the banana and the next minute you’re in an ambulance trying to hold your face on. That’s not the way dessert is supposed to happen. But, I guess if I walked in on some smirking 22 year old dude in his boxer briefs, frying plantains for Mrs. Munson with her stink all over him, I’d probably “go bananas” too. Had to do a pun there. Had to. Anyway, if I’m Maria Mejia, it’s apology ‘not’ accepted for the permanent scars to my face, chest and arms. Even if there was an affair, no dick is that good. Not even Beckham’s. If there was no affair, then this is simply a case of being in the wrong place next to the wrong Fry Daddy. If anyone deserved getting scarred for life, literally, it’s the boyfriend for coming up with the worst excuse in the history of side trim. If you’re going to blurt out a lie, at least make sure it has something to do with current events, such as “I swear, she just came over to fry plantains.” The “helping my daughter pack for a trip” excuse will only work if she was currently in the process of putting items into a suitcase. This guys excuse stinks, and it stinks like deep fried fruit and young latina pussy.

You Probably Won’t Be Surprised By What One PETA Chick Wants To Spend Tax Dollars On

I blame society.

 

Orange County Register:  Dina Kourda, on behalf of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, is requesting that the city install a sign to memorialize the hundreds of fish killed in a traffic crash.

The sign would read, “In memory of hundreds of fish who suffered and died at this spot,” to remind tractor-trailer drivers of their responsibility to the animals who are “hauled to their deaths every day,” according to the letter provided by PETA.

The crash occurred Oct. 11 when a truck, carrying 1,600 pounds of live fish crashed with two other vehicles.

“Research tells us that fish use tools, tell time, sing, and have impressive long-term memories and complex social structures, yet fish used for food are routinely crushed, impaled, cut open, and gutted, all while still conscious. Sparing them from being tossed from a speeding truck and slowly dying from injuries and suffocation seems the least that we can do,” the letter continued.

 

I like fish.  I like dogs.  I’m even ok with cats because they don’t give a shit and they know how to piss in their own space, even if they do permanently hate their owners until they day they die from eating too many fish bones or whatever else they find in your trash.  But I don’t know about that whole “research” comment.  They tell time?  Come on.  The planet moves, the moon orbits, they feel the tides, ok.  But I doubt very much if my goldfish can wake me up in time for f-ing 6am flight.  6am?!  In order to get in line in time for your anal probing at the hands of the TSA flunkies, you have to arrive at the airport before it’s even open.   And god forfuckingbid you have to fly to South Carolina on business during what the rest of the world considers a holiday.   ”WHOOOHOOO!  We’re going down for a weeklong golf trip!  Uh, dude, why are you wearing a suit?”   F-ers.

You know what my own research tells me?  That fish are awesome when they’re pan seared, maybe with some butter and white wine and garlic and pepper, no need to go crazy.  Or if you grill them in foil and then geeently pull the whole skeleton out just so.  Mmm-mmm-mm.  Fish.  Good stuff.

Hey, you want to mourn someone?  Mourn the poor bastard who shelled out $7.99 a pound for a veritable shitload of pacific snapper that’s at the bottom of some dump in California now, mourn him and his dying business.

And ps – “the least we could do” is probably “nothing,” not that shit that you said.

Dumbest Cat On Earth?

Boston, MA – Me and Squirties the Pug went out for a walk, it’s really a shame that she cannot talk, because what to our wondering eyes should appear, some fucking outdoor cat acting real queer. Actually, this cat has mad climbing skills and made it all the way to the top of the telephone pole. In that sense, the pole was Mt. Everest for this cat, because they say climbing up is the easiest part. The hard part is coming down, because you still have a boner from summiting and all you can think about is getting back to basecamp and jerking off all over yourself. You completely forget that one wrong move could mean instant death. That’s almost what happened here, and I’m sure Squirties would have laughed her dick off. If she could talk, she probably would have dropped the C word and said something like “Dayummm, that Catta be crazy!”

(See the exciting conclusion video below!)

 

"Dumb Fuck"

 Here is the video of this dumbass trying to shimmy his way back down. Nice claws, dickhead.

 (Keep your eyes just above the lightpole)

 

Taliban Welcome!

Boston, MA – Well, what better way to cure the Tuesday morning bluebies than by watching the Taliban get fucking destroyed by US Special Forces? Let this video serve as a wake up call to any of our readers that are in the Taliban, or really anyone even thinking about getting their jihad on. Look at the shit we have! We have shit that glows you in the dark! You’re down there running around some tents and surviving by sucking on goat titties? That’s the plan? Guess where we are? You hear that fucking hum coming from up in the clouds? That’s our gunships. Ships with guns, just hovering around your shitty neighborhood, reading your body heat, and literally determining the exact moment when you die. The only thing missing from this video is my signature move in Call of Duty where I blow you the fuck up with an air strike, and then I dangle my balls and asshole all over your face. When there is no time for prayer, teabagging is truly the only way I know how to honor the deceased. I respect you for playing the game, but now you are dead and must accept the kiss from my taint.

p.s. I could have left it on that poetical high note, but I’ll be a pussy and let you know to turn down your speakers.