"Hi, I broke into someone's house and masturbated on their bed."
St. Augustine, Florida – Jason Lee Vickery, 23, broke into a home in St. Augustine, Fla. Wednesday and was about to masturbate when he got distracted by a green remote-controlled helicopter, according to a St. Johns County Sheriff’s report obtained by HuffPost Weird News. Vickery sought out the toy’s batteries and flew the helicopter for a while, “thus depriving the owner of the item” and its battery life, the report states. At some point while inside the home, he ate a salad he happened to have with him, investigators told Action News Jax. After getting his fill of leafy greens, Vickery allegedly masturbated in the bathroom on the second floor, but stopped and went to the backyard because he heard voices coming from outside. The voices belonged to deputies, who arrested him. Officials say they confiscated a bag of marijuana, as well as other drug paraphernalia, a pouch of chewing tobacco, a towel and a wig. Vickery was charged with larceny and burglary.
Oh, don’t you hate that? There you are, minding your own business, just breaking into a private residence looking for yet another place to jack off, eat your Cobb salad, and wear your wig in peace and quiet, and the next thing you know a remote control helicopter catches your eye. You’re like “Okay, now just wait a minute, dick and salad. First things first, Imma take this helicopter for a spin. Oh, what? No batteries? Well, let me just put the lid back on this salad and put my dick back into my briefs and go find some.” Then you’re searching out the batteries with the perfect bite of salad in your mouth (i.e. two leafs of green, 1 crouton that’s been broken into little crispy bits from your chewing while lightly coated in dressing as it gets tossed around inside your mouth), not to mention, a raging, impatient erection that’s tenting your underpants. It’s almost like your dick doesn’t know how much fun it is to fly a toy helicopter. Your dick is really not unlike a child that doesn’t want to behave and wait its’ turn. Anyway, you find the battery, load it into the helicopter, and tell your dick if it behaves it will be rewarded shortly after your flight by getting massaged all over a complete strangers bed while you both commit a felony.
The real shame in all of this is that it could have been prevented if some spoiled rotten brat had simply put their toys away. Speaking of children, here’s a limerick I titled “The Masturbator of St. Augustine”:
Hickory Dickory Dock,
Jason Lee Vickery was stroking his cock,
If it weren’t for those Coppers,
and that damned helicopter,
He may have beat off in your sock.