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Dead Body Found In A Porta Potty (Want To Keep Rhymin’ About It, But That Would Be Naughty)

“Just like your own bathroom, only 87,000 people have used it”

NY Post– The charred remains of an unidentified woman were discovered inside a burning port-a-potty outside a vacant Florida home on Saturday morning, a report said.

Firefighters found the body after responding to the blaze outside of a St. Augustine home that’s been under construction for several months, according to The Florida Times-Union.

Detectives from the St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office are working to determine the identity of the woman, and how she died.

“A person could have gone in there and the methane gas could have ignited somehow,” Chuck Mulligan, a spokesman for the sheriff’s office, explained to the paper. “It might have been a suicide or something more nefarious.”

The spokesman seemed perplexed by the potential crime scene. “In my 32 years in law enforcement, I’ve never seen one of these before,” Mulligan said.

An autopsy is expected to be completed on Monday. The State Fire Marshal’s Office is searching for the presence of any accelerants in the portable toilet, which could indicate foul play.

“We are asking anyone who may have a family member or friend, who has not been heard from and may be missing, to contact the St. John’s County Sheriff’s Office and ask for the Major Crimes Unit,” he told the paper.

Man, oh man, unlike the story about that couple who died while banging, this is not a good way to go. If you could even take the smallest of positives out of perishing in a porta potty fire, I guess it would have to be at least you got to save money on a cremation. But that’s literally it. You can’t say they “died doing what they loved” on this one. That’s the thing about Porta Potty’s, you absolutely dread going in there, but sometimes you have no choice, and once that creaky door closes behind you, you just don’t know if you’re going to end up in the Porta John de los muertos.

Even if I had a friend or family member who went missing and I saw this story about the found body, I’m not sure I could make that phone call to the Major Crimes Unit. The following is a dramatization, obvi:

Me: “Hi, I’d like to report a friend who may have gone missing.”

MCU: “Well, when did you last see them, and can you tell us any details that may have led up to the disappearance?”

Me: “Sure. Well, me and my buddy, Gary, went out for lunch at Chipotle around noon. I got a chicken burrito with a side of guac, but Gary got a bean and cheese burrito with extra, extra beans, which I kinda thought was overdoing it. About an hour later, Gary grabs my shoulder and goes ‘OMFG’, and doubles over. I told him to man the fuck up because we were going to Gamestop, but he made a bee line for this bank of porta potty’s, walkin’ all funny like he was trying to hold in a really big toot, ya know? Anyway, I haven’t seen nor heard from him since.”

MCU: “Well, didn’t you go and check on him?”

Me: “No, like I said, we were on our way to Gamestop.”

Anyway, credit where credit’s due, Porta Potty’s have come a long, LONG way over the years. Now they have mirrors, hand sanitizer dispensers, LOCKS, some probably have glory holes, and a little side urinal thing that kinda looks like someone cut a one-gallon milk jug in half and hung it upside down. It’s not “the best” urinal you’ll ever use, but at least it kinda helps to avert your eyes from that hole that is filled with unspeakable evil. You still kinda peek over at it, but then you quickly turn your head and ask yourself why. Like “oh, maybe this will be the one time in my life where they just vacuumed this thing out.” Nope. Still full. Well, I thought this went without saying, but, caution, do not hold lighters and look down into the hole like you’re Indiana Jones after opening that tomb.

Scientists Claim That Interacting With Climate Change Stories On Social Media May Actually Improve The Climate

Palo Alto, CA – A team of climatologists in, of all places, Silicon Valley, may have some rather ‘warming’ news, with regards to every day people clicking “like”, “share”, or “retweet” on articles pertaining to climate change.

Said lead scientist, Dr. David Bulshitzky, “We’re seeing a direct correlation between how human beings react to articles on social media, and how that may positively impact the longevity of our planet.” While Dr. Bulshitzky considers himself a traditional scientist, he now believes that “sending positive vibes” and sharing Greta Thunberg stories could add several millimeters of ice to our glaciers, provided people continue clicking “like” on Facebook. He also implores Instagram’s community of famous influencers to post pictures of themselves drinking Cristal thru paper straws, as “every little bit helps” and can even “offset the damage they do living their every day best lives, which includes private jetting.”

While Dr. Bulshitzky and his team are encouraged by the initial findings, he would like to stress their research is in the early stages, and that the general public should remain cautiously optimistic. “While clicking buttons on social media is good for, like, you know, karma, and that momentary hit of dopamine that gives the average person a false sense of feeling like they actually matter, we should keep in mind that it’s going to take more than that, and more than just protests, as they themselves can actually impact the climate. As an example, we’ve seen negative behavior during recent protests such as littering, starting fires, using public transportation, throwing glitter, taking Uber, defecating behind a Rite-Aid, etc., that has actually left more of a carbon footprint than had protesters simply never left their homes. So, while people’s hearts are generally in the right place, these kinds of patterns would help to explain the recent surge of people voicing their uneducated opinions on social media, but not making a single change to their every day behavior to actually improve anything.”

When asked if he believes Earth has anywhere from 1 year to 12 years remaining, as some have suggested without evidence, Bulshitzky could only laugh as he shook his head and said “No, no. If that were the case, I can assure you that my team and I would no longer be doing research. We would remove our lab coats, turn out the lights, and then go out carousing with prostitutes.”

Please click “Like” below to help save the planet, one click at a time.

Jon Snow Gets Married Causing 46 Million Female Fans To Fly Their Vaginas At Half Mast

BREAKING: Jon Snow, whose name in real life is Kit Harrington (short for Kitten Harrington), married “the ugly chick” from Game of Thrones.  Please note, I’M not saying she’s the ugly chick, I’m putting it in quotes because a lot of the clams you and I both know are calling her “the ugly chick” as if they had a shot with this dude to begin with. Like, oh, if it wasn’t for the two of them acting out a bunch of near-death, yet at the same time, erotic scenes (which take about 70 takes to get one right, so that’s a lot of body rubbin’), then he’d be in the market for your every day, run of the mill trollop. Well, spoiler alert, she’s not “the ugly chick”, that should be reserved for the old coot who kinda lol’d after Cersei’s kid jumped off the balcony (she wasn’t alone.) And to even say she’s ugly isn’t fair, because she’s 70 or whatever, and the only people who weren’t ugly at 70 are Sophia Loren (probably still would) and that’s really about it.

Ick, gross:

Among the Game of Thrones castmates present to witness the nuptuals, but who will not be present in 1-3 years for the divorce proceedings were: Emilia Clarke (the Mother of Dragons, burned a bunch of people alive, banged Khal Drogo, etc.), and Sophie Turner (who plays Sansa Stark and was relentlessly hit on by Lord Balish before they cut his head and dick off.) I don’t even know how regular dudes attend celebrity weddings without popping wood the whole time. Can you even imagine being a groomsman and getting paired up with Sansa or Cersei? The DJ would be like “and now, here comes Lena “Cersei Lannister” Headey, and her groomsman, Martin Munson!” and as we make our way across the dance floor my boneser tears thru the bottoms of my tuxedo rental. Shame, shame, shame, indeed.

Peter Dinklage was also there, but, despite rumors, he was not tossed down the hall into a bunch of oversized bowling pins.