Fergie Makes Birth Announcement On The 20 Minute Anniversary Of Jerry Buss’ Death

"Boing alert"

 

Boston, MA – I don’t get people who say Fergie’s face is all jacked up. She is so hot that one time I was watching her dance videos and Brogurt started leaking like there was white Play-Doh being forced through my zipper. Anyway, there has been some speculation as to just who sired Fergie’s baby, however, if the baby comes out with brown hair and no career, we’ll have no choice but to believe Josh Duhamel is the real father. You have to wonder if Fergie thought she was marrying Tad Hamilton, but now she looks over and realizes it’s just some guy who has access to her bank accounts.

Bro: “Hey Bro, how’s work going?”

Josh Duhamel: “I don’t know, bro, you’d have to ask Fergie.”

Bro: “Brooooooo. What should we do now?”

Josh: “Well, she’s on Tour with Will.I.Am and Apple Dee Fuckin’ App, so, let’s turn the filters on ‘high’ and nail sluts in her pool.”

 

 

"Don't tell Fergie or she'll cut my allowance"

 

Breaking: Taylor Swift Gins Up Another Reason To Rub The Rest Of Country Music’s Dick In The Dirt

 

That's not a chick. (on left) (your left)

 

You heard it here first (because you don’t pay attention):  Taylor Swift is working on a new album breaking up with her latest fling, who’s name is “Harry” I guess, but who looks scandalously similar to Samantha Ronson if you know what I mean (no judgment, eat from both sides of the buffet all you want).  Nashville might as well shut down for the year and let Taylor get it out of her system, because it’s over for those poor bastards. Although, if the rumor of her being gay are true, then the result might be some pretty avant garde sh1t, but we’ll just have to wait and see like every other 12-year old girl in America.  The only person to get further on her relationships than Taylor was Salma Hayek, and Salma, as we all know (wink wink) had some help in other areas as well. 

 

Meanwhile Taylor will go on wrecking dicks and writing albums that you will be powerless to avoid.  Her list of famous people is longer than Clooney’s.  (But not Jeter’s… Yet!)

Jake Gyllenhaal
Joe Jonas
John Mayer
Taylor Lautner
Conor “My Turn For Senator Comes In 2025″ Kennedy
Samantha Ronson Harry Something Feminine/English

 

 

 

Wicked Improper’s Film Corner: How To Build Cinematic Suspense

Martin’s bit about Joe Pesci and popcorn reminded me of another CLASSIC theater maneuver.  Ladies and gents, I give you, from 1982 – subtitled in Polish for our surprisingly large overseas contingent - the film classic “Diner,” and a tour de force by none other than Mickey Rourke:

 
 
 
 Mickey Rourke’s pre-plastic surgery/comeback hog, ladies and gentlemen!  Good, clean stuff there. 

Side note:  Every f-ing actor in that scene including Home Alone/City Slicker’s date (Ellen Barkin!) turned out famous.  How in the f does that work?  Only the d1ck grabber didn’t make it.  (What do you want to bet she grabbed Mickey’s corn cob for realsies?)

pps:  if I let my hair go, I would have a mop just like Mickey’s.  Thinkin’ ’bout it.  ;-)

 

 

You want a fivehead? I'll give you a fivehead. (And eyeliner?)

To The Delight Of His Record Label, Aging Rocker-Dude From Green Day Who Looks Like a Middle-Aged Version Of The Addams Family Kid Goes Berserk Right On Schedule


 

Bleep Parade!  Why rehab though?  He sounds pretty lucid to me? 

Oooh – they’ve got an album coming out in a day or two.  Say no more.

ps:  “I’ve been around since 19-f*cking-88!”  Indeed you have.  So, I don’t know, maybe time to come up with a new schtick?

Huge Breasted MILF Having Second Thoughts About Appearing In Kinky Porn

 

Not her. But still.

 

Mommyish:  New Jersey mother MaryAnn Sahoury was simply trying to help other mothers with breastfeeding. That’s why she agreed to participate in an instructional video about how to nurse your child. But after the video made its way to porn sites, and now she’s suing the producer of the original video.
 
 
“Made its way to porn sites?”  You agreed to flash your full tit getting sucked on in front of a camera, what difference does it make where it makes its way?  Don’t you think there are other mothers surfing porn sites who might have problems with breastfeeding?  Who need a little instruction?  This just seems like another opportunity to get your message out to women in need.  Why fight it?  It’s natural!
 

Heath Ledger Was A Hack (But Still Wishing Him The Very Best RIP!)

Boston, MA – Thanks to the mainstream media and paparazzi’s continued, unabashed encroachment over the lines of common decency, the acceptable deadline to posthumously rip Heath Ledger has thankfully expired (sure, multiple puns intended.) Now, I will grant you that Heath Ledger was excellent in his portrayal of “The Joker” in “Batman Begins.” He was certainly better than Jack Nicholson playing “Jack Nicholson with Joker make-up on.” But, was Ledger a genius, a label the movie industry and critics are often too quick to bandy about, or, was he simply doing a really good impression of Tom Waits? Raise your hand if you think I should punch myself in the dick for using “bandy about” in a sentence (own hand goes up.) Anyway, what’s the point of this? Well, our very own Red had his blog copied or very closely mimicked yesterday by several blogs regarding the Dutch Field Hockey Team and it makes me sick. The only reason I may consider Heath wasn’t stealing Tom Waits’ character is because Tom Waits didn’t die of a drug overdose first.

(Skip to 1:45 to see the amazing similarities/possible thievery and then cast your vote)

 

Heath Ledger, Genius, or A Pretty Good/Stolen Impression?

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Thanks To [Name Redacted], Wicked Improper Now Has Followers All Across This Great Nation

 

Back in the '80's, this is what used to pass for a good ass.

 

 Thanks to our latest follower, we now have fans in all 50 states from coast to motherf8cking coast.  We won’t tell you his name, but we love his pug!  Thanks to you all for making www.wickedimproper the most popular, most read blog in Boston and all over the country!  Please enjoy the following clip of gnarly 80′s guitar rock as our gift to you.

 

Wicked Improper Alert: Paulina Gretzky’s Boobs Are Getting Larger

I won't even bother asking.

 

Yahoo Sports:  “Grown Ups” was an Adam Sandler movie in 2010 about five childhood friends who, well, grow up and [blah blah blah blah blah]. The movie was panned by critics but made a killing at the box office pulling in over $270 million worldwide.  According to a Sony spokesman, noted Internet celebrity Paulina Gretzky has been cast as a coed in the film’s sequel set to be released in July of 2013.

 

If any of you are asking why in the f Adam Sandler is STILL getting movie gigs, there it is.  This sh1t is on you – keep going to see his drivel, and they’re going to keep letting him past security.  You have the power to stop it, but you have to take responsibility.  But let’s face it, studies show that only 7% of you actually read this far, let’s get on with the payoff.  ps – we here at Wicked Improper simply cannot emphasize this enough:  Real, fake, wgas, you don’t lick the insides. (tm)

 

Happy Friday, Everybody!

 

 

Best Served Cold: Dude Settles Score With Bully After 50 Years

 

It's A Wonderful Life, kids!

 

Detroit Free Press:  The 72-year-old man gunned down by a former high school classmate  in January over a 50-year grudge was a loving grandfather and respected by coworkers and the community.  Norman Johnson was shot and killed at his doorstep by Carl V. Ericsson, 73, on Jan. 31. On Friday, Ericsson was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

The sentencing brings some closure to a brutal killing sparked years ago by a sports incident when the two were in high school, in which a jockstrap was pulled over Ericsson’s head.

“I can’t blame you for being jealous of Dad,” testified Beth Ribstein, Johnson’s daughter. “In high school, he was popular, he was athletic, he dated Mom. They had 52 wonderful years together. He had two daughters that adored him, four grandchildren that worshiped him. Over 600 people attended his funeral.”

 

I’m firmly in the camp of those who say that kids who are bullied need to leave that sh1t in high school and simply move on as best as you can.  Comfort yourself by knowing that your tormentors’ best days are likely behind them while you’re cashing your stock dividend from the the I/T company you started in your basement.  You made it!  Don’t wallow in sorrow and self pity.  Rejoice!

But.  Is Beth f*cking kidding me with the whole jealousy thing?  “Popular?”  “Athletic?”  “Dated [ed. note: lol] mom?”  Carl wasn’t jealous of Norman because he f-ed a lot of chicks in high school (spoiler alert for Beth).  Carl simply wanted to kill Norman.  This is a classic Back to the Future alternate reality playing out, only in this one, Biff/Norman has his way with George’s/Carl’s would-be love interest in his late model Chevy, they beget Beth and a bunch of other Perfect Johnsons, and George/Carl lives a depressing, solitary life sprinkled with regret and garnished with failure.  Once Carl realized he was running out of time and his imaginary friend Doc STILL hadn’t perfected the time machine, he had to take matters into his own hands.

No movie script here, film fans.  Just a classic case of being unable to f*ck with the space/time continuum.

If You Could Go Back In Time…..

Boston, MA – If you could go back in time, would you wish you didn’t see this spoiler GIF from “The Avengers?” In this scene, the Hulk is fucking pissed off at that asshole, Loki, who walks around the whole movie talking about end of days, extinguishing the human race, and all of that other gloomy shit. Loki goes “you can’t touch me, I’m a god”, but Hulk must be an athiest, because dude just Swiffers the floor with him.

Here’s another spoiler: You’ll be aghast when they charge you $16 to watch this bullshit in 3D at the iMax, but you’ll be rewarded when Scarlet Johannson’s gravy bags ‘literally’ come out of the screen and smother you in your chair. I was subconsciously making the universal sign for “me want milk”, with hands extended and lips moving like it was reaching for a binky, before you know who (my wife) smacked my helmet-tip to bring me back to a sticky-floored reality.

Martin Munson rating: C+

Mainstream Media rating (because they want to curry favor and guarantee future interviews and photo-ops with all of the celebrities in the movie): A

 

Let’s Face It, Channing Tatum Fever Is Spreading And You Can’t Outrun It

Boston, MA – Goodbye Brad Pitt. Goodbye Ryan Gosling. Goodbye Gaylor Tautner. Your careers as you know them are over. I used to waste my time projecting bitterness and jealousy towards these guys. Like, “Oh, word on the street in H-wood is that Brad has really bad acne.” Or, “I don’t know how Ryan Gosling gets a pass, his glass eye is constantly fixed on the horizon.” If you don’t believe me, please watch “The Ides of March” and try not to get motion sickness from watching his eye floating all over the fucking place. Once you see it, Ladies or Gayers, you’ll never look away, and his devilish little smirk will no longer make your panties or Beckham briefs sop like it once did.

Now, I know I’ve been beating this horse dead all week, but Channing Tatum is now “IT.” There is no denying it anymore. If you recall from our earlier blog, this guy not only has a ripped body, but it honestly looks like he has a Sea Otter living in his underpants. No more sleepless nights for me in early February waiting for Punxatawney Phil. From now on, if Channing Tatum’s dick comes out and sees its’ own shadow, you better keep your mittens and snow shovels at the ready. After seeing the picture below, any woman would be insane to get on her knees and prepare to service him, unless she wants to run the risk of being buried alive under a balls and cockalanche.

Quite frankly, I’m tired of listening to my wife tell me she rarely comes here because there are never any polls for women. So here we go, just for her, here’s a poll designed for our female readers. “But Martin, isn’t this a desperate attempt to have women forward the link around so your blog spreads like a Vagirus?” You bet your sweet ass it is.

 

"My Native American name translates to "Him With Angry Trouser Serpent"

 

Can Someone Please Tell Us What's Going On With Channing Tatum's Dick?

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(Thanks to Boston Sean for continual IT expertise, insight, suggestions and ideas that have been spot on every time. Also, sorry to Boston Sean that this “Thank you” had to come directly beneath Channing Tatum’s helmet)

 

 

Steven Tyler Wardrobe Malfunction

"Still Getting Blown?"

 

Boston, MA – Most of you will want to rub hand sanitizer all over your eyeballs after seeing those A cups. If that didn’t do it, not that you’d admit that you looked, but you will wince and shake your head ‘no’ after you glance over at that little field mouse wearing an army helmet in his briefs. Since you can’t go back in time and unsee what has already been seen, quickly scroll down for Monday’s YumYum’s. We don’t believe in NSFW warnings. You’re an adult. You’re going to see a woman’s breasts, oh we’re so sorry.

Anyway, after Steven Tyler butchered the Star Spangled Banner yesterday before the Patriots win over the Baltimore Suck Kings, we got to thinking: Does Steven Tyler still get blown? I say yes. Red says yes. It’s nearly inexplicable, dude literally looks like a lady, but I guess $100 million in the bank after parlaying 3 good songs into a 40 year music career is enough for women to slobble his ganoozle.

"Does Steven Tyler Still Get Blown?"

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Mission Impossible 4: Trouser Protocol

"I'll give you two good reasons to see this movie"

Boston, MA – Well, well, well, who do we have blipping up on the radar at the ol’ jism silo? Paula Patton, who stars as a hot chick in “Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol”, that’s who. Patton was also in “Precious” (that movie you didn’t see about the overweight black girl that couldn’t understand why nobody asked her to the prom.) Even though Patton didn’t play the chubby, the movie initially gained critical acclaim for having the decency to not put a more famous actor into a hilarious fat suit.

I always wonder how they cast for a role like that. “Wanted: Morbidly obese unsightly actor to play morbidly obese unsightly girl struggling with her weight issues to cry for two hours before we roll credits.” Before you suggest it must be difficult for an agent to call their client and say “Good news, I have a script for you. Bad news, you’re perfect for the part because the studio is looking for an absolute 400 pound behemoth. Don’t forget, I take 10 percent”, remember, they’re vampires.

Anyway, here is the Wicked Improper review for “Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol”:

Paula Patton’s Tightly Bound Awesome Boobers: A

Paula Patton’s Decision To Marry Pop Star Robin Thicke Instead of Martin or Red From Wicked Improper: F

Story: A (Abysmal)

Believability: Well, when you casually escape a Russian prison, blow up the Kremlin, interfere with radio transmissions in a submarine, use a fire hose to run down the side of a fucking skyscraper in Dubai, re-program a military satellite with a paper clip, get in eleven car accidents and don’t end up with a scrape, you get an F.

Tom Cruise: G (Gay. He’s all man in this movie, but you can’t help but think he’s all man for men that like men.)

Final Score: C (Cups, on Paula.)

 

The Honey Badger Don’t Give A Shit

Boston, MA and Africa or something – This video had 6,999,999,999 views before I finally got around to it, so before I go all Animal Planet on you, I realize that I’m probably the last person on Earth to see it. When it comes to the animals, I know there are too many to mention here in this one blog. You have monkeys, lions, bears, tuna fish, I mean, that’s just the start. But along comes this new breed of animal I’d never seen before, and it was like a cross between a weasel, a skunk, a gopher, and a shark. This thing is so mean it could rip off your dick and send you pictures of it while you try to come up with the ransom. Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of god (who couldn’t be here with us today), I give you, the Honey Badger.