"I'll give you two good reasons to see this movie"
Boston, MA – Well, well, well, who do we have blipping up on the radar at the ol’ jism silo? Paula Patton, who stars as a hot chick in “Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol”, that’s who. Patton was also in “Precious” (that movie you didn’t see about the overweight black girl that couldn’t understand why nobody asked her to the prom.) Even though Patton didn’t play the chubby, the movie initially gained critical acclaim for having the decency to not put a more famous actor into a hilarious fat suit.
I always wonder how they cast for a role like that. “Wanted: Morbidly obese unsightly actor to play morbidly obese unsightly girl struggling with her weight issues to cry for two hours before we roll credits.” Before you suggest it must be difficult for an agent to call their client and say “Good news, I have a script for you. Bad news, you’re perfect for the part because the studio is looking for an absolute 400 pound behemoth. Don’t forget, I take 10 percent”, remember, they’re vampires.
Anyway, here is the Wicked Improper review for “Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol”:
Paula Patton’s Tightly Bound Awesome Boobers: A
Paula Patton’s Decision To Marry Pop Star Robin Thicke Instead of Martin or Red From Wicked Improper: F
Story: A (Abysmal)
Believability: Well, when you casually escape a Russian prison, blow up the Kremlin, interfere with radio transmissions in a submarine, use a fire hose to run down the side of a fucking skyscraper in Dubai, re-program a military satellite with a paper clip, get in eleven car accidents and don’t end up with a scrape, you get an F.
Tom Cruise: G (Gay. He’s all man in this movie, but you can’t help but think he’s all man for men that like men.)
Final Score: C (Cups, on Paula.)