"If you put a seashell up to your ear in Provincetown, you can hear our helmets rubbing together"

Boston, MA (Gayers Welcome!) – Hello gay readers! Yay! Wicked Improper is an equal opportunity blog, so whether you like mashing boobers on your face or bouncing your shaft against another dudes shaft at some kind of balls and shaft bouncing festival like Shaftapalooza, all are welcome. Barney Frank, perhaps best known for his role in the Nation’s subprime home lending hiccup, is getting married to a man. That man is Jim Ready, 42, of…(shocker drumroll!)…Ogunquit, Maine. For those of you unfamiliar with Ogunquit or Provincetown, both towns are predominantly gay, and since both can experience harsh Winters, men in those towns have been known to keep their penises warm by wearing another guy’s asshole for a mitten. Before we get into all sorts of gay up in here, let’s take a trip down memory lane and take a peek into Barney’s private life, which, come to think of it, is so completely gay you almost wonder if his blood type is G. From everybody’s favorite credible news source, Boston.com:

Back in 1985, Frank had engaged the services of a male escort named Stephen Gobie, who had advertised his “hot bottom” in a personal ad. Over the next two years, while Frank was trying to decide whether to come out, he and Gobie carried on a clandestine affair, during which time Frank hired Gobie as a driver despite knowing Gobie was on probation for drug possession and for possession of child pornography. Frank used his House privileges to fix Gobie’s parking tickets. He wrote a memo trying to clear Gobie from probation that was disingenuous at best and an outright deception at worst. Gobie repaid Frank by running a prostitution service out of Frank’s Capitol Hill apartment.

“Hot bottom.” Probation. Drug possession. Child pornography. Fixing tickets. Deception. Prostitution. Luxury apartment paid for by a salary courtesy of tax dollars from the citizens of Massachusetts nearly bursting at the seams with jism. If I wasn’t so straight I would probably read a mystery novel about all this queerness, written by Dennis Legayne. Since we were already informed we’ve been denied two press passes to this event, we have no choice but to speculate what the wedding vows could consist of. In our alleged opinion, the following is a dramatization of Barney’s wedding vows. We also imagine a cocktail reception with a raw bar, including oysters with champagne mignonette and a dash of Barney and Jim’s load mix. Spoiler alert: That last sentence is difficult to comprehend.

“I, Barney, promise to love you, and slobble your ganoozle, if you promise to slobble mine in return, until death do us part. It will probably be me first, because I’m 71 and you’re 42, but that’s the price I’m willing to pay for younger man meat. As we stand here before god, and a reception room full of men with boners preparing for an epic circle jerk as the function staff lay down a whole bunch of tarps to protect the carpets and our security deposit, I now pronounce us husband and husband. Now let’s touch 5 o’clock shadows and make out.”

Congratulations Barney and Jim!

Martin