Piven’s punking EVERYBODY. AND he’s standing on his f-ing toes.
Message received, Jeremy. Message received loud and motherF*CKING clear.
Piven’s punking EVERYBODY. AND he’s standing on his f-ing toes.
Message received, Jeremy. Message received loud and motherF*CKING clear.
I’m out bitches!
WW: Emma Roberts and her boyfriend, Evan Peters, are planning a 2014 wedding after becoming engaged.
The happy news comes almost six months to the day of Roberts’ arrest in Canada following an alleged hotel fight with Peters in Montreal. The actress was detained by police following the altercation, but released hours later after Peters, who was left with a bloodied nose, refused to press charges. A representative called the incident a “misunderstanding” and insisted the stars are “working together to move past it.”
By getting married! Excellent choice!
MSN: Gal Gadot, who played a supporting role in “Fast & Furious 6,” has been cast as Wonder Woman in Warner Bros. upcoming untitled sequel to “Man of Steel.”
Washington (DC I presume): There was glamorous Jackie, of course. And mother Rose, who nurtured his White House ambitions. And all the others: a movie star, a teenaged intern, a mistress with Mafia ties and more. Without a doubt, John F. Kennedy had a complicated relationship with women, many women.
Oh f-ing Kay, we get it. JFK got his carrot wet more times than Gwyneth Paltrow has screamed bloody murder after some billionaire she was cheating with has wiped his dirty d1ck on her curtains. Here are some great lines from that article, because I know you won’t read it:
Handsome, powerful, rich, above the law, and a whole secret service at his disposal (to dispose of those women of questionable character). Five tool player. Start taking notes, Hillary.
DailyMail – Six years after she caused a stir by having a baby with Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart while both were still playing at college, former USC basketball superstar Brynn Cameron is celebrating the birth of her second child, this time with Los Angeles Clippers forward Blake Griffin. Cameron, 27, and Griffin, 24, who rakes in $19 million a year from his NBA franchise, welcomed Ford Wilson Cameron-Griffin into the world on August 1st and both the proud parents, who are reportedly not still together, confirmed the birth today. While six-year-old Cole Cameron Leinart lives with his mother, his birth sparked a bitter custody and support battle between Leinart and Cameron, which ended with the former Buffalo Bills quarterback paying up to $15,000 in monthly child support.
Boston, MA – I am so sick of the double standards around here (i.e. the Earth.) What do you mean, “she caused a stir?” Um, Matt Leinart put his little dink into her, and right around that time it starts tickling all funny and the best part is about to happen, guess what? He forgot to pull it out of her. Yep! How is SHE creating the stir by getting pinned under a 6’5″, 230 pound drunken slob? I mean, you have to give a woman some indication that something big is about to happen, that way someone with a clear head can say “Hey shithead, don’t cum inside me.” Take me, for example. I am a maestro when it comes to the lost Art of pulling out, but, at least I have the common courtesy to let that special gal know that I’m about to enjoy myself all over her. My O face is the same face you would expect someone to make when they’re frying in the electric chair, and the noises I make sound like a Caveman who’s frustrated that he can’t open a coconut. But not Leinart. Nope, he couldn’t be bothered. He probably launched and thought ”Oh well, maybe that attempt won’t connect with any receivers.” Next thing you know, the phone is ringing and it’s Brynn’s attorney saying “Congratulations, you have a new $15,000 a month baby boy.” Now here we are, some 6 years later, and wouldn’t you know she met up with Blake “$19 Million A Year” Griffin. He has no less than 60 plays memorized, a full calendar of endorsement commitments, charity functions (that doubles as yet another place he can go to slay pussies), and yet, he couldn’t pinch it between his thumb and forefinger to prevent the most instinctual act in our genes? Anyway, I’m not sure who edits these stories at the Daily Mail, but of course they are not “still together.” Eventually you go soft, shrivel back up, and slip out. It’s not like they’re still going to be connected by their privates, otherwise, how else is she gonna give birth? Duh.
I don’t care.
j/k. I care. Having already nailed (lol) the tough roles like “Virginia Cunderson” in Lesbian Cops, “Nurse Sue” in Favre Rise, and – perhaps my fave – “Stripper #2″ in One Tree Hill, I’d say that Bentley alum Suzanne Quast is ready for
Leonardo DiCaprio’s couch George Clooney’s couch the big time!
Showbiz 411: Timberlake does a clever mini Michael Jackson tribute in his new single “Take Back the Night” from “20/20″ part 2 due September 30. It comes in at around 2:30 here. Listen — “Wanna Be Starting Something” and a line about “Michael Jackson/can drive you crazy.” Nicely done. Between this single, JT’s first 20/20 album and “Get Lucky,” it’s really the summer of 1978 all over again. Disco lives. I never thought that would happen. But it’s like a breath of fresh air. This reminds me of George Benson’s “Give me the Night.”
Question before everyone leaves for the weekend (too late): Is Michael Jackson no longer considered guilty of molesting young boys? Was he ever? He left the country to avoid prosecution didn’t he? Or I’m I remembering this wrong? Because if I am, I can start listening to PYT on the radio again. Normally I change the channel when his songs come on out of respect for Macauley Culkin.
I mean Led Zeppelin f*cked a chick with a fish so I guess maybe there’s a statue of limitations on normally unacceptable behavior?
Boston, MA – Anyone that knows me knows that I’m a real Dateline NBC buff. In the event you haven’t heard of it, Dateline is essentially a beginner’s class for how to kill and dispose of a body. (Hint: Don’t bring your cellphone with you.)
Anyway, earlier tonight, I tweeted a popular/worn-out “joke format” tweet that said “I’m white, but I’m not Bryant Gumble white.” Some other guy replied, and for some reason, copied Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady (a professional comedian) then went apeshit and basically accused us of generalizing and stereotyping. I really don’t have a problem with Wayne Brady, or his extremely thin skin. If anything, I always appreciated his work on the uber-popular improv show “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” I still remember my favorite part was when the entire cast would spend two weeks leading up to filming by rehearsing their lines.
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“Young lady, I think I’ll take my own advice.” Exactly what advice is that, Josh? Climb under the tree and help the Keebler’s make some Fudge Stripes?
US MAGAZINE – Age may be just a number, but in James Woods‘ case, it’s a much higher number than his girlfriend’s. The actor, 66, is now dating Kristen Bauguess, 20 — and it appears things are going well for the two. On Tuesday, June 25, Woods showed off his much-younger companion at the New York premiere of his movie White House Down.
Boston, MA – You know what else “may be just a number”? The 12 inches of trouser meat James Woods is known around the world for. Yep. 12 inches. It rolls right off the tongue. Not literally, because 12 inches would gag you all the way down to your solar plexus, but it’s pretty easy to say. For the sake of doing research for this blog, I had no choice but to Google Search “James Woods Giant Khakis Serpent” and sure enough, there they were, over 1 million hits. I ended up on an MTV site and a blog titled ‘The 7 Biggest Wankers in Hollywood“, and there was James Woods smirking the smirk of a man who knows he can put his dick into you from around the corner of a building.
What’s the point of this blog? Well, for starters, how is Mr. Bauguess going to sleep ever, ever again, knowing his baby girl is getting split open on the regular by Sir Meats-A-Lot up there? And, who’s the unlucky son of a bitch that gets to be her next boyfriend? What fucking chance does that guy have now? I mean, anything less than 10 inches is going to feel like she has a loose pube in there.
Anyway, it’s kind of hard to stay focused on Independence Day with all of this talk of huge dicks and ruined vag’s, but my favorite part of the article was this quote about Milton Berle, who was rumored to have a dick so big he could use it to complete a seemingly effortless cartwheel:
“Even after Uncle Milte’s 2002 passing, people were talking about his member. During a memorial service, a comedian friend of Berle’s announced, “On May 1, then on May 2, his penis will be buried.”
Rumor has it that Kanye West might have accidentally let his penis slip into the vagina of some random non-pregnant model named Leyla Ghobadi. I know what you’re thinking, and no, she’s not a terrorist and she doesn’t own a yogurt factory. At least I don’t think so. But let’s leave those questions up for debate some other day. For now, we’re going to let you judge whether or not you think Kanye would step out on his baby mama with some hot model who is neither pregnant, nor fat, nor, as far as we know, famous for f*cking someone else on film (no judgment). We’ve included some visual aids below to help you come to a decision, and so we don’t taint (taint!) the process, I should let you know that Kanye’s reps (lol) say that it’s not true. But Layla says it is, and here’s a bonus lol for you:
Ghobadi … insists she isn’t merely seeking her 15 minutes of fame. No, she’s going public with the two-timing tale as a goodwill gesture to Kim.
So you know she’s a humanitarian above all else.
Classic He said, She said! Alrighty, let’s get down to the vote for Christ’s sake. Please try to remain impartial throughout the testimony.
Exhibit #Don’t Call Me Fat:
Old news sisters.
Click HERE to see that Martin reported this breakup almost exactly one year ago.
Click HERE to see that Red confirmed this breakup shortly thereafter (and also pointed out a pretty good style change that Miley adopted).
We have you covered America. Stop wasting your time with print media.
Hollywood, CA (and from the tip of Michael Douglas’ tongue) - Michael Douglas caused a stir when he told The Guardian his throat cancer was apparently caused by performing oral sex. The Basic Instinct star said his form of cancer was caused by the human papilloma virus, a sexually transmitted disease that he contracted after performing oral sex on women. The actor’s spokesman Allen Burry said that Douglas never said that HPV was the cause of his cancer; he said his client was discussing what causes oral cancer during the interview. He also appeared to joke that oral sex could also ‘cure’ throat cancer, which has been denied by doctors.When asked by a Guardian reporter about his disease, Douglas said, ‘without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV (human papillomavirus), which actually comes from cunnilingus’.
Boston, MA – Oooookay. So, I guess it’s no longer a secret that Michael Douglas likes to eat a whole lot of pussy. Some guys really love it, and other guys endure the tongue pain while glancing over at the time on the cable box to see how long they’ve been down there. Michael Douglas apparently enjoys it to the point that his mouth now requires chemo. What is not up for debate today is that before, during, or after performing cunnilingus, every guy just wants to be blown. That’s why this story makes no sense to me. Like, if the headline said “Michael Douglas’ Testicles No Longer Able To Produce Sperm After Decades Of Countless Ball-Emptying Blowjobs”, that one I’d get. I’d probably just nod and tip my cap to him. After all, playing the same character in 40 movies has earned him the right to be sucked off at a moments notice. And yet, here we are, the whole world, learning together about how Mike likes smashing vaginas inside out with his mouth? That has this movie-goer completely baffled. If I were Michael Douglas, I’d buy my own town and hang a sign on the edge of it that says ”Welcome To Blowjob City: Population Me”, with an image of my trouser geyser shooting off into the horizon. Obviously, I’d like to have some kind of footnote that says that the “Welcome” is specifically referring to models only, and any fatties or grossies that step onto my land will be punished to the fullest extent of the law, including execution.
Anyway, what scares me most is that if Michael Douglas can get cancer from eating too much pussy, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised if my right hand ends up with Leukemia.
At the age of 76, Robert Redford is an actor who still thrives on a creative challenge — and he’s been handed a huge one in his latest film “All Is Lost”: Redford is the only actor on screen for an hour and forty-five minutes, and he says no more than a handful of words.
Redford is receiving rave reviews for his work in the shipwreck-themed saga — which debuted this week at the Cannes Film Festival. He plays an unnamed man piloting a yacht in the Indian Ocean, whose vessel is struck by a shipping container, tearing a hole in its hull. When the man finds his navigation equipment has failed as his yacht takes in water and a storm approaches, he’s thrown into a life and death battle against the sea. Beyond a brief opening narration and a few angry shouts, Redford plays the role without dialogue.
Rave reviews? Here’s my review: It sucks. And for the record, Cast Away should have been a 25-minute short. And since you bring up Cast Away, what do you think is the appropriate time for Paul Reiser’s wife to become involved with Mr. Big? Beacause I think the guy from Bosom Buddies was assumed dead after a couple of weeks, and ultimately he was gone for four years. I say as soon as she receives a pass from some a$$hole, it’s game on. If I disappeared on Memorial Day, Mrs. Red would be married with children by the end of the summer. And I guess I’m fine with that.
ps – if the sea doesn’t win that battle, I call bullshit.
All the celebrities are doing it!
1. The gd bombers were on the government teat for a decade before deciding they didn’t like the US. Hard to blame anyone but “the people” for this one. If you don’t want leeches sucking the blood out of the system, you have to stop letting them suck the blood out of the system. But it’s tricky, because this is the same f-ing system that let the Bulgers and Kennedys flood the state roles with their stoolies (allegedly).
2. Gwyneth Paltrow was “voted” Most Attractive
C*** woman or some shit. I really can’t decide which of these, #1 or #2, is the most unacceptable. I can’t. Gwyneth Paltrow is. The. Worst. Here’s scientific proof right here.
3. We got a 99th Facebook friend. Huh, almost into the three digits barring a mass fb exodus, (which is
imminent highly unlikely). Is anyone still reading this?
Boston, MA – The title of this blog sounds like it should be a movie title, but it’s not. Bradley Cooper just popped into Boston, so please consider the city and the entire Commonwealth of Massachusetts on pussy lockdown. Part of me thinks Mumbles Menino or Deval Patrick should declare Vaginal Law. Now, for maybe a hundred years, Boston has been known as “Beantown”, named for that culinary delicacy also known as “baked beans” (beans marinated in high fructose corn syrup and served with a chunk of lard.) But, now that Bradley is just walking up and down Newbury Street, popping his boner into every passing bean-flapping vagina, he and his buddies now have another reason. According to sources (?), he was here to talk about his new movie “The Place Beyond The Pines”, co-starring Ryan Cocksling and Eva Mendes. They may as well call it “The Place Beyond Your Vag Opening”, because EVERY chick in the city, state, and world is going to be rubbing their nubs with pretzel bites or JuJubees in the theater. Who even knows what women get up to anymore and all the ways they can pleasure themselves, you know how sick they can be. Anyway, my thoughts and prayers go out to the kid who ends up on mop duty in that cinema. My message to that mopper would be: If I were you, I’d pack my galoshes because you’re going to be ankle deep in Cooper Soup. You should also consider putting a Junior Mint in each nostril, otherwise you may become disoriented and think you’re swabbing the deck on a tuna boat.
Best of luck,
NY Post: It has been reported that Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus have split. The news comes as the 20-year-old Hannah Montana star had previously insisted that she and her fiance, 23, were still together. But sources have told the New York Post’s Page Six that the couple have called time on their relationship.