I learned to kill terrorists for this?!
Even after several kids, getting ruined by Seal, and 39 years, my breasts are still spectacular
I banged Derek Jeter. Get over it.
Red thinks I'm terrible. And he's right.
Red wishes he had this shirt/pants combo.
All the celebrities are doing it!
ayfkm?! AYMFKM?!
1. The gd bombers were on the government teat for a decade before deciding they didn’t like the US. Hard to blame anyone but “the people” for this one. If you don’t want leeches sucking the blood out of the system, you have to stop letting them suck the blood out of the system. But it’s tricky, because this is the same f-ing system that let the Bulgers and Kennedys flood the state roles with their stoolies (allegedly).
2. Gwyneth Paltrow was “voted” Most Attractive C*** woman or some shit. I really can’t decide which of these, #1 or #2, is the most unacceptable. I can’t. Gwyneth Paltrow is. The. Worst. Here’s scientific proof right here.
3. We got a 99th Facebook friend. Huh, almost into the three digits barring a mass fb exodus, (which is imminent highly unlikely). Is anyone still reading this?
Heyyyy, Stacey...
"I'm so high I almost forgot to get blown 6 times today"
Boston, MA – The title of this blog sounds like it should be a movie title, but it’s not. Bradley Cooper just popped into Boston, so please consider the city and the entire Commonwealth of Massachusetts on pussy lockdown. Part of me thinks Mumbles Menino or Deval Patrick should declare Vaginal Law. Now, for maybe a hundred years, Boston has been known as “Beantown”, named for that culinary delicacy also known as “baked beans” (beans marinated in high fructose corn syrup and served with a chunk of lard.) But, now that Bradley is just walking up and down Newbury Street, popping his boner into every passing bean-flapping vagina, he and his buddies now have another reason. According to sources (?), he was here to talk about his new movie “The Place Beyond The Pines”, co-starring Ryan Cocksling and Eva Mendes. They may as well call it “The Place Beyond Your Vag Opening”, because EVERY chick in the city, state, and world is going to be rubbing their nubs with pretzel bites or JuJubees in the theater. Who even knows what women get up to anymore and all the ways they can pleasure themselves, you know how sick they can be. Anyway, my thoughts and prayers go out to the kid who ends up on mop duty in that cinema. My message to that mopper would be: If I were you, I’d pack my galoshes because you’re going to be ankle deep in Cooper Soup. You should also consider putting a Junior Mint in each nostril, otherwise you may become disoriented and think you’re swabbing the deck on a tuna boat.
Best of luck,
Martin
The Happy Couple!
NY Post: It has been reported that Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus have split. The news comes as the 20-year-old Hannah Montana star had previously insisted that she and her fiance, 23, were still together. But sources have told the New York Post’s Page Six that the couple have called time on their relationship.
I derive no joy in telling you that I told you so. But I did.
"Boing alert"
Boston, MA – I don’t get people who say Fergie’s face is all jacked up. She is so hot that one time I was watching her dance videos and Brogurt started leaking like there was white Play-Doh being forced through my zipper. Anyway, there has been some speculation as to just who sired Fergie’s baby, however, if the baby comes out with brown hair and no career, we’ll have no choice but to believe Josh Duhamel is the real father. You have to wonder if Fergie thought she was marrying Tad Hamilton, but now she looks over and realizes it’s just some guy who has access to her bank accounts.
Bro: “Hey Bro, how’s work going?”
Josh Duhamel: “I don’t know, bro, you’d have to ask Fergie.”
Bro: “Brooooooo. What should we do now?”
Josh: “Well, she’s on Tour with Will.I.Am and Apple Dee Fuckin’ App, so, let’s turn the filters on ‘high’ and nail sluts in her pool.”
"Don't tell Fergie or she'll cut my allowance"
Then:
In the early '90's, those high waists were "it"
In the early '90's, topless photos were "it"
In the '90's, lifeguards wore hardly anything at all, and were ALWAYS bending over
Very popular bathing suit style in the '90's.
NOW:
I got thiiiiiiiiis big!
See what High Fructose Corn Syrup (and Steven Segal Syrup?) will do to you?!
Good god.
Former street fighting YouTube phenom Kevin Ferguson, aka Kimbo Slice, is now 7-0 in his professional heavyweight boxing division after facing seven sacrificial lambs opponents like the marshmallow you see above. Keep in mind that all of this “action” happened in the first or second round. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t hold up 12-ounce gloves for 30 seconds, and if Kimbo Slice asked me if I minded if he danced with my date, shit, have at ‘er! But this is not a real boxing match. Kimbo’s scary because he’s big, beady-eyed, bald, and bearded. But Wladimir Klitschko would knock his dick off.
Kimbo’s just making the most of his shot in the limelight, guys. Reminds me of Hayden Panettiere - who used to get smashed underneath Wladimir back in the day – who is absolutely using every last f*cking square inch of what cleavage she has to destroy Connie Britton on ABC’s hit show “Nashville” on Wednesday at 10/9 Central. fyi.
"Not Shown (Intentionally): Bradley Cooper"
Boston, MA – If you read the title of this blog, you now know how “Silver Linings Playbook” ends. If you did not read the title, Bradley Cooper’s character predictably chases Jennifer Lawrence’s character down the street to tell her he loves her (i.e. that he would like to bang her in the very near future, i.e., not only in the movie but also pretty much anywhere off set.) The movie takes us on a journey to Philadelphia (the “City of Brotherly Love” and yet “the most racist place I’ve ever visited”) to experience almost every emotion known to mankind. Laughter. Crying (or at the very least getting misty, unless you are a sociopath.) Anger. Jealousy. Horny. Boredom. Hungry. Actually, not sure if hungry is an emotion, but I was overcome with and fulfilled the urge to snack. Also, not sure if horny is an emotion, or just a feeling that once your dick stops experiencing you may as well die, but I did feel that tingly sensation of blood leaving my vital organs so it could dutifully fill up my penis several times during the movie. I know it was Christmas Day, and you’re supposed to feel joy and caring and sharing and be thoughtful, but I came very close to pulling a Fred Willard during a few of Ms. Lawrence’s scenes. And, giving credit where credit is due, never one to leave the female audience hanging on a potential bean smashing, Bradley Cooper comes armed with 5 o’clock shadow and those steely blues. Overall, I liked this predictable movie. Jennifer Lawrence’s performance makes you forget about that “Hunger Games” debacle, and Robert DeNiro takes over the Robert Duvall “I Don’t Want To Leave Hollywood Just Yet And You Can’t Make Me Because I Was In The Godfather” role, playing an old man who you actually feel sorry for (in real life.) Bradley Cooper continues on his path to more money and pussy and whether you like him or not guys, get ready to hear his name for the rest of your life.
Wicked Improper Grades:
Plot: B
Acting/Jennifer Lawrence’s Body: A
Bradley Cooper: A+ (per Mrs. Munson)
Robert DeNiro: F
Overall score: A
This movie was certainly better than last year’s Christmas movie, “War Horse”, about a Jewish horse caught behind enemy lines. That plot was so ridiculous that at one point, when a nazi tank was chasing the horse, even the Jews in the audience were like “Forget the god damned horse, there are Jews getting away!”
w
Boston, MA – My Fellow Improperans, I implore you to cast your vote whether or not you would put your dick all the way into Katy Perry. Women can also play along, but they would either have to imagine having an awesome dick, or simply recall the days when they would strap one on and haze the pledges in their sorority. Now, this decision is not as easy as it once was. Remember when Katy was singing “I kissed a girl and I liked it”? Like you, I would be tappin’ the old foot and singing right along, but making up my own lyrics: “I kissed a girl and I liked iiiiiit, but then I got laid for the first time and never cared if I ever kissed anyone agaiiiiiin.” Per usual, I’ll start us off and let you know how I voted, so……drumroll….I would. Yep, I know, shocker. But, there is no other way to take the meaning of this dress than “Mr. President, the long, brown, Air Force One in your pants is cleared for landing between my overly publicized gravy bags.” She’s into TF’ing, you guys. She wants it. And, I totally get why Biden’s name is situated right along her digestive tract. But, if I’m Mitt Romney, looking at my name in 30 font across her pussy, even though I somehow lost the election (with rigged voting machines my son bought), I think I’d throw my legs up on Paul Ryan’s back and wrangle one out the only way Mormon’s know how, “Oh Golly Gosh Darn Willikers, I’m about to shoot another offering for Joe Smith!” Anyway, sometimes I wish women could be more outgoing like Katy, maybe be a little more assertive about indicating their attraction to you. Like pressing their breasts together and ‘up’ during regular conversations, or rubbing their pussy on the doorhandle to your car. Then you’d get to your car after work and go “oh, now what the fuck is this?”, and as you put your hand up to your nose it’s like “Oh, Veronica from Accounting was here. I always suspected.” Anyway, they say romance is dead, but clearly I have a gift for sharing ideas to keep things exciting and fresh.
(Please be respectful of others feelings as you cast your vote below whether or not you would nail Katy with or without the assistance of a strap on dildo)
"Boobers: 10, Leg Tone: 0"
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"Gay wig"
Fergie knows. Oh yes, she knows.
I was all set to give up on her, but Fergie’s making me want to stick to my guns in the classic question regarding her and Josh Duhamel, which we posed to you way way back when we didn’t know how to feel like centering our post titles.
"Waaah I want my bottle! Waaah I want to manage $4 trillion! Waaah I want to cut some balls off!"
This actually happened last month, but whatever.
Boston: If any of you have your life savings stashed in a Fidelity Mutual Fund, take comfort, because you’re money is safe with those guys! The CEO, Edward “Ned” Johnson III, who’s been running the shop for 35 years, and who is the son of the founder, Edward Johnson II, just tapped as President… his daughter, Abigail Johnson! So you KNOW they have a really rigorous, merit-based method for promotions and succession planning! Here’s a gem from one of Fidelity’s (former) top dogs, and I’m not making this up:
“I had a top job at Fidelity, but not the top job,” [he] said. “And when I asked my parents, they wouldn’t let me change my name to Johnson.”
Bitter? Maybe.
Bonus nep: Do you know who this is below? Well it’s Bono’s daughter who’s “quietly” making a name for herself in the acting game. From some f-ing website: “Eve Hewson, who’s been building an acting career in an understated, non-splashy fashion.”
“Understated?!” Here’s the first – THE FIRST – thing on her page on IMDB: “Daughter of Bono.” ayfkm?
Obvious would.
Owning it.
(Besides Mia Tivoli and her nipples I mean.)
Instead of shaving my head and going full baldo, maybe I should go the other way and Conan O’Brien the shit out of my hair. What do you think? I mean, look at that foppish bastard and his crazy fucking hair. Is this f-er kidding me? Kinda looks like the stoned caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland.
Feed your head!
In the event of fire, which valuables would you grab first?
‘Cause I’ll go with whatever we decide…
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The Greeks called them Sirens.
"Howsabout you shove that Oscar up your snooty ass?"
Hollywood Douchebags: Joaquin Phoenix could [major sic] care less about lobbying for an Oscar.
“I think it’s bull****,” [ed. note: He means "bullshit'] he said recently in Interview Magazine when asked what he’s going to do when he’s put on the awards circuit for “The Master.”
“I don’t want to be a part of it,” Phoenix went on to say, adding, “I don’t believe in it. It’s a carrot, but it’s the worst-tasting carrot I’ve ever tasted in my whole life. I don’t want this carrot. It’s totally subjective. Pitting people against each other . . . It’s the stupidest thing in the whole world.”
Preach! Although, you know – if winning an Oscar is the worst-tasting carrot he’s ever tasted, I don’t think he’s done too much carrot tasting in his day. You want bad tasting carrots? Why not ask any of the Price is Right models of the 80′s and 90′s what a bad carrot tastes like? Or Heather Clem, who went from Bubba the Love Sponge to Hulk Hogan to god (nsp) knows what in between?! Or Katy Perry, who I’m sure, after a year of marraige to that dirty ragamuffin Russell Brand, is no stranger to ATM? Swallow some of those carrots, then get back to me on how stupid it is to win an Oscar…
You be the judge. They turned this these:
"Just okay."
Into this these:
"Appointment Television."
"They didn't see us?" "Don't think so. But put your shorts back on just in case."
SI.com: The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency says 11 of Lance Armstrong’s former teammates testified against him in its investigation of the cyclist, revealing “the most sophisticated, professionalized and successful doping program that sport has ever seen.” USADA will deliver its reasoned decision against Armstrong later Wednesday, a summary of the facts it used to hand him a lifetime suspension and erase his seven Tour de France titles.
USADA CEO Travis Tygart said it would include more than 1,000 pages of evidence. He listed 11 of Armstrong’s former teammates, including George Hincapie, Floyd Landis and Tyler Hamilton, as among those providing evidence that led to the sanction.
[effeminate cockney accent] This deposition goes to eleven.
“You talk about” (kill me for using that phrase) piling on. 1000 pages? Come on guys, it’s over.
Or is he f*cked? Who cares about this sh1t? Do I care about this? Do you? Does he? I think no. What’s the consequence here? He’s already famous, he’s made millions, you KNOW he’s got groupies hanging all over him wherever he goes, and he’s run naked all over god’s baptizing loving green earth with his bff Matty McCon-ah-hey. So if it were me, “who give a shit, ban me motherf8ckers, I did what I came to do, and that’s jizz all over the likes of George Hincapie, Floyd Landis, and Tyler Hamilton.”
Also does Lance only have one ball? Or zero? I’m not judging, just curious.
Sheryl Crow if she was a ripped dude?
Well it wasn't the weave...
Truth: No. She’s no Gwyneth Paltrow, but she’s still pretty stuck up and mean. But you would be too with the filth that is the paparazzi taking dumps in your garbage cans and whatnot.
Truth: Emptier now than ever.
Truth: Hahaha!
***Bonus Truth*** Snicker. Victor Kyriakis got her “Friends,” and her glass cutters got her the rest of the way.
Tremendous tip: Just leave them on all the time.
jc, that's far enough. More than far enough.
The Hill: Madonna offered a profanity-laced endorsement of President Obama at her concert Monday night, which involved the singer stripping down to her underwear to reveal the president’s name written on her body. “When Obama is in the White House for a second term I’ll take it all off,” she said to cheers and whistles from the audience.
Oh, no, sorry - it’s an endorsement. I honestly thought it was a threat, like Alec Baldwin’s unfillfilled promise to leave the country if Bush got a 2nd term. “If Obama’s elected, I’m going to force you to watch me and my hairy 60-year-old nipples writhe around onstage and sing Like A Virgin!”
I don’t think this is going to work as an incentive. Nobody wants to see that. Jesus. I’d rather spend the afternoon swapping eyeliner techniques with Billie Joe Armstrong. Joan Rivers thinks you’ve been hanging around too long.
