Insanity » Wicked Improper

Defense Claims Man Is Mentally ill And I Would Have To Agree

"Good Morning, Your Honor!"

BROCKTON, Mass. (AP) – The attorney for a Brockton man accused of killing two people and critically injuring a third person said Thursday that his client was “cold as ice” and not criminally responsible during a racially motivated spree of violence in 2009. Keith Luke, 26, is accused of raping and shooting a 22-year-old former neighbor at her apartment on Jan. 21, 2009, and fatally shooting her 20-year-old sister, then shooting to death an unrelated 72-year-old man walking down the street. Luke allegedly told police he wanted to kill “nonwhites.” His victims were of Cape Verdean descent. Attorney Joseph Krowski Jr. said in his opening statement Thursday in Plymouth Superior Court that his client has a history of mental illness including several hospitalizations as a teenager, and “was not criminally responsible for the acts he perpetrated upon those people.” Krowski said Luke was cold and dispassionate when he raped one victim, and “cold as ice” as he killed the other young woman, then coolly drove down the street before he killed 72-year-old Arlindo Dipina Goncalves. But prosecutor Frank Middleton said Luke was “a sexually frustrated, angry young man bent on revenge,” for rejections by women. The prosecutor displayed several items including a hammer, gags and handcuffs he said were tools Luke gathered to torture and kill his intended victims. “His plan as he indicated to police over and over was not to use the gun when he went into his victims houses,” Middleton said. “He wanted to kill them manually, he wanted to kill them stealthily, he wanted to use this hammer.” Luke also allegedly fired at several people trying to help one of his victims. He was arrested after a brief chase during which he allegedly fired on police officers. No officers were injured. In early court hearings after his arrest, Luke appeared with a swastika carved on his forehead. He allegedly told police he was “fighting extinction” of the white race and also planned to attack a synagogue near his home.

Boston, MA – That whole “rejected by women” defense strikes a chord in me as someone who has been rejected by women time and time again, however, thanks to my joy for life, coupled with an inherent will to never go to prison, the only thing I’d ever be convicted of is the mass genocide of about 4,000 Kleenex, 11 sets of drapes, 7 pillow cases during various hotel stays (including The Radisson, Marriott Courtyard, et al.) and probably a few pairs of Dockers during times of accidental Brogurt leak. You know how it is. Anyway, whether it’s proven that you’re clinically insane or not, you are criminally responsible when it comes to the cold blooded murder of innocent people. So, I’ll disagree with the ‘defense attorney’ on that. I also disagree with the prosecution regarding how “he wanted to kill them stealthily.” To me, stealthily means “very quietly”, and/or “did not know something evil was approaching.” This dude was driving down the street with a rape kit in his trunk, just blasting at Cape Verdeans like he was playing ‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.’ The real question of the day is, if he “allegedly fired on police officers”, why is he not “allegedly fucking dead right now”?

p.s. For those of you keeping score using your simple math skills, those “acts he perpetrated” happened 4 years ago, and the opening arguments just happened yesterday? He told police he wanted to kill people. People saw him kill people. He shot at cops. What are we waiting for, execute this motherfucker!

When Life Hands You Lemons…

Let Will Sasso make you lemonade!

Flashback: The Video Definition Of BAKED

Only four of you will watch this, and yes, it’s years old, but it’s still worth posting.

My favorite is when the Admiral stifles his laughter. Solid, solid move. Professional.

**update** Skip to 1:17-1:30 for the fucking punchline if you’re in a hurry

ps: Yes, I thought it was fake. Snopes says it’s true, so please, sleep tight knowing that your government is watching out for you in the event of a cataclysmic tectonic shift that f*cking flips the earth’s crust over on itself. Sleep tight.

In Russia, You Cut Someone Off, And YOU DIE!

This video speaks for itself, and yet, I’m going to type more stuff. You cut this dude off in Russia, and he will end your life. Insurance premiums/wrongful death lawsuits be damned. Russian Badger don’t give a shit.

Today, I Am Thankful For The Suicide Of Dr. Nikita Levy

"Hi, I probably have footage of your pussy."

Huffington Post – A John Hopkins OBGYN at who was recently facing allegations of filming his patients without their consent has apparently killed himself in his own home in Maryland. Nikita Levy had been accused by a colleague of using a camera at the top of his pen to take photos and videos of the women he saw.

Baltimore (where female patients would rather have you see Baltiless, amirite? Heyo!) – The following is an open letter to Dr. Nikita Levy:

Dear Doctor Levy,

You had the dream job for pussy lovers. An OBGYN. The Pussy Doctor. Pussy all day every day. Literally. The world was your moist, fleshy oyster. You were in the top 1 percentile of men in the entire world where the pussy comes to you. Women were scheduling appointments, sometimes 6 to 12 months in advance, just so they could come to your office and show you their cooch. I couldn’t do that job, Dr. Levy, because I am more of a breast man. I would rather be an OBTIT. You spent the better part of your life surrounded by pussy. You went to medical school, where you probably had to dissect pussies of all makes and models. You have been up close and personal with every single pube trend known to man, and some probably not known. 70′s bush. 80′s trim. I was going to say 90′s were Grunge, but that was a musical genre. Then came all the others, landing strips, racing stripes, the hitler, the cranberry bog, the Yodel-Ay-Hee-Hooo!, and so on. You’ve seen many a Brazilian wax. You’ve probably seen a few Guatemalan wax jobs, too, which, if you know how to ask for it, you can get from one of the guys standing outside of Home Depot. And yet, being the envy of your golf buddies wasn’t enough for you. All those years of “smell my finger” jokes and requests must have grown very tired. Perhaps a life entrenched in vagina became too much, constantly doing laundry and re-applying cologne so nobody would mistake you for an employee of a fish market. We may never know what sent you over the edge, but it would not surprise me if it all came crashing down after one really awful queef blast in your face. I could totally picture you doing your inspection, when all of a sudden, after a very eerie quiet, a gas explosion from some chicks’ vag briefly straightened out the hairs in your goatee. Who could blame you, Dr. Levy? Who could put up with that? Ultimately, and ironically, it was the pussy itself that drove you to the dark side.

In closing, if you are reading this in hell, thank you thank you thank you. Thank you for having the courage to take your own life. That was very thoughtful. Not only did you save the taxpayers of Maryland hundreds of thousands of dollars from keeping you alive in prison, but, if I may speak on behalf of your asshole, you saved yourself from 40 years of cruel and unusual punishment.

May you rest in peace,

Martin

Death Penalty Daily Double!

Boston, MA – Nathan Fujita murdered Lauren Astley. Spoiler alert: He and his defense team are claiming insanity. I agree, you’d have to be insane to kill someone. By the very definition of insanity, taking someone’s life has to be right near the very tip top. Of course, in the state of Massachusetts, we reward murderers with a lifetime of food, shelter, tv, and all the jerking off you think you could ever do. In fact, think about all the jerking off you could ever, ever do. Do you have a tug number and/or volume of jism launch in mind? My number is 36,000 if I average 3 times a day spanning the 12,000 days remaining in my life. Thanks to whatever the defense mechanism is called when one refuses to accept ones’ own fate, I did not take into account the fact my dick will probably suffer its’ own death well before my body is finished. Well, prisoners scoff at our numbers. While we all sit in our cubes, earning money to pay taxes towards our prison systems, those guys are having daily jerkoff contests to see who can shoot the farthest, first one to fill a juice cup wins, etc. Anyway, if I could talk to Nathan, I would say “Why, Nathan? With so many unattractive people you could have marked for death, why did it have to be someone so beautiful?” Seriously, look at these two kids. They look like J. Crew models. And while it’s nice to say they had their whole lives ahead of them, etc., we MUST keep in mind that there are now 7 BILLION of us on this planet. We always have and we always will have unexplained violence. It’s in our genes. We’re basically savages that know how to parallel park and download apps. Now, cast your vote for whether or not we should kill Nathan immediately.

From left to right: murdered, murderer

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Mansfield, MA – Some dogs like going for walks, others like to play fetch. Even my dog, Squirties the Pug, likes to play hide n’ seek. But not Milo the pointer hound. His favorite thing to do was rip the face off a 6 year old kid in Mansfield, requiring 400 stitches to his grill and a lifetime of fear towards virtually all animals. “Hey, want to go to the petting zoo?” “Uh, no thanks, I get kinda antsy around anything with four legs and teeth.” Oddly enough, Milo was originally granted a stay of execution while the ruling to terminate him was being appealed. It was during this appeal where I believe Milo was running with the wrong crowd, and, recidivism rates among doggie violations being what they are, Milo bit some other motherfucker that was creeping on his turf. While your vote is certainly appreciated, at the time of this blog, Milo has already been euthanized by way of electric chair.

"Fuck you, Milo. Burn in hell."

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Hot Air Balloons More Dangerous Than Guns

Boston, MA and high above the earth in a wicker basket – Well, this video is not going to give you a good feeling about traveling via hot air balloon at all. Of course, it would not surprise me if a lawyer sued the balloon company by claiming there should have been a warning label in the basket: “In case hot air balloon pops, begin flapping your arms like crazy.”

(Editor’s note: Pay special attention to the 55th second of this video and listen to who survived. You are not going to FUCKING believe it!)

In Russia, Meteor Hits You

Russia – Holy fucking shit. I hope Vodka is okay.

Snowstorm Central!

"Does anyone have any toilet paper?"

Boston, MA – We’re about to get anywhere from 6 to 149 inches of snow between Friday and Sunday. Anyone that knows me knows that Winter, and snowstorms in particular, are a very difficult time for me. I know I typically don’t cover sensitive topics here, but if this blog can help just one person cope with their own issues, then this revelation will be worth it. I’ve been keeping a dark secret for nearly 30 years, and as embarrassing as this is to admit, I’m finally ready to let people know that I unwillingly lost my virginity to a snowman. It obviously wasn’t something I expected, and I swear to god I never thought I’d get the taste of corn cob out of my mouth. Like most victims, my self-esteem and confidence levels were at all-time lows. As someone who was displaying all the symptoms of physical and emotional distress (i.e. self-doubt, weakness, etc.), I truly believed that Snowpeople could smell my fear, and no sooner was I overwhelmed by four of them and used as a carrot receptacle. My therapist, sensing we were on the verge of a breakthrough, asked me questions that would require some very graphic specifics, but I told her no, the closest I’ve come to double penetration was eating both Twix bars at the same time.

So, now that you know a little something about me, feel free to share your own love stories below in our comments section.

Thanks,

Martin

A Video To Honor The Late Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr. (Obviously By ‘Late’ I Don’t Mean Tardy)

Wow, you talk about your close calls. This happened in Bulgaria, which is just off the coast of Russia. If you’re going to kill somebody, fucking kill somebody. Don’t be creeping up on this Bulgarian dude with a gun that must have been put together with an Erector Set. You have to test that shit out first. Here’s my unofficial check list for how to kill/assassinate somebody.

1. Be prepared: Know who your target is. Follow them. Think like them. Become them. Have a genuine enthusiasm for taking someone’s life. Have a getaway plan. Wear a moustache.

2. Test the gun by firing it into a pillow in your hotel room. Clean up all of the feathers and locate the bullet fragment(s) and dispose of them properly (i.e. somewhere that cannot be traced back to you.) Then, replace your dead hotel pillow with another pillow that you smuggled in your luggage. This will not only make the room look like it was not tampered with (or that you have been practicing an assassination there), but having your own germ free pillow from home will almost guarantee you a good night’s sleep before you kill your target. Why not just fire the bullet into a pillow at your house to make sure it works, instead of all this smuggling pillows and cleaning feathers? Oh, because I have OCD.

3. The night before you kill, do things as you normally would. Do a few laps in the hotel pool. Get room service. Order porn. Calm your nerves by making a fake vagina using the shower cap supplied by the Hotel and a rather large quantity of their shampoo. Really let that cap have it and maybe even finish up inside for a change. After all, and I don’t want to jinx you, but you might be going to prison or dead tomorrow. Rinse out the shower cap immediately after use, and put it back in the box for the next guest. You do not want the maid noticing anything suspicious.

4. Be confident. You’ve covered all the bases. You have your target? Check. Your gun works? Check. Your nerves are calm as ever because you made love to the Red Roof shower cap? Check, and check (I would do it twice as I have a tendency to be jumpy/horny.)

5. Kill

You Are Very Welcome For The Best Video Of Our Lives

Boston, MA, and someplace where silly gooses live in Russia – With all due respect to the video with those Hindus being swept off a mountainside, this is the best video of your entire life. You must absolutely watch this all the way to the finish. At the time, it probably seemed like a good idea to harness their inner Jackie Chan by getting inside a completely insulated and padded bubble ball. Unfortunately (but fortunately), there are other forces of nature at work, such as gravity, the elements, and of course, my favorite, pure comedy.

No spoilers, but at what point do you think those guys in the bubble were like “Is it just me or does it feel like we’ve been rolling for an extra long time?”

(Thanks to Curley for the video)

Ray Lewis Announces His Retirement, Ends a 17 Year Dual Career Playing Linebacker And Staying Out Of Prison On Murder Charges

Allegedly! But seriously, google it. He settled out of court!

SI: Ray Lewis announced Wednesday that he plans to retire at the end of the season, his 17th with the Baltimore Ravens. Lewis told his teammates that “this will be my last ride,” according to the team’s official Twitter feed.

They never found the white suit, guys. Never. Found. It.

Survey Says….”Never Help People!”

Boston, MA – Let this video be a lesson to us all when it comes to helping people. When you are faced with a crisis that warrants immediate action, take 2 or 3 minutes (even if it means death to those in need) to consider how assisting could impact your own ability to stay alive. Help an old lady cross the street? Sure. Help your wife pump her gas this morning like I did even though the tip of my dick almost froze to my zipper? Yeah. Help complete strangers that have fallen through thin ice by then also walking out on that same thin ice? No fucking way. Next time, consider making a long rope by tying twigs together, or maybe shout something from the shore like “Siri says you should tread water as best you can until the Fire Department arrives!”

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(I don’t have speakers at work, so please leave comments whether or not you can hear people screaming)

MA Taxpayers On The Hook For $700,000 In Legal Fees For That Inmate That Wanted His Dick Hacked Off

"As far as cellmates go, it could be a lot worse"

Boston, MA – Well, with a title like that, how can this blog not get Liked up and down the Facebook Highway? In case you don’t recall, the taxpayers of MA have already paid to let Michelle Kosilek get his dick ripped off. Then, like some kind of X-rated Mr. Potato Head game, they put on a vagina as easy as you and I change a lightbulb. We can’t cure pancreatic cancer, but if you want to go from dick to pussy in 10 minutes, that one we have covered. Anyway, be honest with yourself and realize that if Michelle walked into your cell after the operation and goes “Who wants to see my shiny new pussy?” you would use your erection to pole vault out of your bunk and give her a bouquet you made out of Snickers wrappers. In all honesty, when is the madness going to stop in this god damned state? The politicians laugh behind our backs. The professional athletes laugh behind our backs (while they take iPhone pics of our wives and girlfriends blowing them.) Now the inmates laugh behind our backs. The INMATES?! This guy fucking MURDERED his wife and we paid for his new VAGINA. Read that again. “This guy fucking MURDERED his wife and we paid for his new VAGINA.” You and I are at work today while this guy spends his days doing unspeakable things, like entertaining the other inmates by seeing how deep he can take a mop handle. Anyway, I ran some quick numbers, and the way I figure it, at most, dick removal and disposal couldn’t have been more than $600. I mean, all you need is a Sawzall and a Glad sandwich bag. And, the vagina was probably like 20 grand, so where the fuck did $700,000 come from? If you said “it was a number dreamed up by vampire attorneys because the entire system is rigged” you were right. There are other questions that may never be answered, you guys, such as how did Michelle settle on which pussy she wanted? It’s not like you can browse them at an online store called Vaginazon. Hopefully she settled on one that never grows hair. Again, we may never know, but if the media is going to continue forcing this story and the images it brings on us, let’s at least try to picture a smooth one.

Sorry to get so worked up about this, but somewhere out there is a drunk, homeless guy thinking he hit the protein jackpot after finding and eating Michelle’s old throwaway dick. It’s the Holidays for christ’s sake. We shouldn’t have to think about things like that.

And The Winner Of The $20 Gift Card Contest Is…..

"Herro Chris"

Chris Kelleher! Chris was the only person that gave a shit about our contest yesterday. Congratulations C-Kell! Email Martin@wickedimproper.com so we can get a mailing address for you.

Follow Chris on Twitter here if you’d like to see what Chris is up to. Here are some of Chris’ actual tweets. Don’t be upset if you don’t “get them” right away, they are somewhat cerebral.

Chris Kelliher ‏@ck1psc44

new to twtting

Chris Kelliher ‏@ck1psc44

bball time!!

School Shooting in CT: Another Case For The Immediate Death Penalty

Newtown, CT (Home of The Meat Pounder, David E. Anderson) – By now, you may have heard about the school shooting in CT. One of the gunmen is dead, but according to CNN, another may be in custody. UNFORTUNATELY, we will have to give this pile of shit his day in court, which, let’s face it, will probably be in 2014. Again, I ask you, what are we waiting for? If the police and witnesses can confirm that this person is guilty (or he confesses) we should cut off his head live on Pay-Per-View tonight. TONIGHT. This is outrageous! Killing innocent children? These families that are affected, whether they are related to a victim or a survivor, are essentially ruined for life. Cast your vote to execute this motherfucker today, and then go out and apply for your gun permit. Some people still think guns are bad, but they are even worse if someone breaks into your house and you don’t have one.

No pleading guilty. No pleading not guilty. No pleading insanity. Death. Immediately.

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UPDATE: Apparently there was only one shooter and he is confirmed dead. Too bad we cannot resuscitate him for a bit.

Please Cast Your Vote To Put John Burbine To Death Immediately

"Hi, I'm John Burbine, the face of Evil. Wishing you and yours Happy Holidays!"

A Wakefield man allegedly videotaped himself as he raped and sexually abused 13 small children — some as young as 8 days old — while providing day care for people at their homes in various towns outside Boston, Middlesex District Attorney Gerard T. Leone Jr. said today. John Burbine, 49, has been indicted on 100 counts. He gained access to the children through the child care service, Waterfall Education Center, run by his wife, prosecutors said. “This is among the most troubling and disturbing cases of child abuse ever prosecuted in Middlesex County,” Leone said in a statement. The victims are from Stoneham, Medford, Newton, Reading, Melrose, Woburn, and Waltham. They were both male and female and ranged in age from 8 days to 3½ years old. The assaults occurred from August 2010 and through August 2012, prosecutors said.

Happy Holidays from Wakefield, MA! Spare me your “innocent until proven guilty” comments. Let me tell you two things about them having videotapes of John Burbine allegedly but probably/most likely sexually abusing kids. One, he’s guilty. Two, you do not want to be in that courtroom when they roll those tapes. I mean, you talk about the worst possible day ever to get called for jury duty. There is nothing worse than someone taking a child’s innocence. I remember as a boy scout, my troop leader told me I could earn my ‘MacGuyver badge’ if I could tell time by making a sundial using nothing but sunshine and my erection. Did we calculate it was 3:30pm and determine it was time to head back to camp? Yeah, but we could have just looked at either one of our Swatches. Anyway, it is finally time to really really embrace the beliefs of our forefathers, and that is, if you are not fit to live among us and behave, we will just fucking execute you on sight. Unfortunately, we live in Massachusetts, and soon enough John Burbine will be yet another member of the MA Department of Corrections Whack Marathon. Yep. Just spending all day jerking off, seeing who can fill a coffee mug first, and playing Go Fish on the taxpayer’s dime. Even though we have iPhones, drivers licenses, and some of us get our privates waxed, deep down inside we are all just savages. SAVAGES! Let’s kill him, today! What are we waiting for? May the defense attorney who takes this case also burn in some gross, smelly Hell filled with penises and anus.

Thanks for your vote, and Happy Holidays.
Martin

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Where In The World Is Martin MunDiego?

Boston, MA – If you’re reading this right now, I did not win the Powerball last night, and neither did you. Instead, I must have left for Mexico with Jay to meet up with Johnny Mac and Pete The Gentleman. Jay sent me a text just now saying “Hey, sorry in advance for my snoring” and I replied “No apology necessary. Your snoring will be the least of our concerns after you wake up and catch me making love to my comforter.” Talk about an awkward breakfast buffet line, you guys.

Martin: “Jay, about my thing for hotel room comforters…”

Jay: “I said I don’t want to watch again.”

The end…?

Please be kind to Red and send pics to Red@wickedimproper.com

P.s. place looks packed.

Wicked Improper Demands The Release Of The Casey Anthony Sex Tape (Tapes?!)

Happy Hour! Two for one!

AP: The Florida sheriff’s office that investigated the disappearance of Casey Anthony’s 2-year-old daughter overlooked evidence that someone in their home did a Google search for “fool-proof” suffocation methods on the day the girl was last seen alive.

WKMG reports that sheriff’s investigators pulled 17 vague entries only from the computer’s Internet Explorer browser, not the Mozilla Firefox browser commonly used by Casey Anthony. More than 1,200 Firefox entries, including the suffocation search, were overlooked.

Classic move. I myself use IE for my ~~porn~~ online research, and Firefox for everything else, but it’s the same basic concept. I bet that government official who’s job it was to search her hard drive got stuck on Casey’s “vague entries” on searches involving “breast augmentation” and “outfits that accentuate tremendous melons” and “drunken, anonymous, consequence-free threesome with an online blogger” on Explorer to even get around to bothering with Firefox, her browser of choice (allegedly, *wink!*) for proper baby killing techniques.

The killer (NPI) is, this fing internet researcher is probably part of a union, so instead of getting fired for incompetence, the most he’ll see is a month or two of paid vacation followed by a continuation of his zombie march towards his bloated pension.

But in a way I’m glad this came out, because it reminds me to ask – “What in the f*ck are we waiting for with the whole Casey Anthony Sex Tape?!”

Cans? Yes. Guilty? Not. Roll tape!