Defense Claims Man Is Mentally ill And I Would Have To Agree

 

 

"Good Morning, Your Honor!"

 

BROCKTON, Mass. (AP) – The attorney for a Brockton man accused of killing two people and critically injuring a third person said Thursday that his client was “cold as ice” and not criminally responsible during a racially motivated spree of violence in 2009. Keith Luke, 26, is accused of raping and shooting a 22-year-old former neighbor at her apartment on Jan. 21, 2009, and fatally shooting her 20-year-old sister, then shooting to death an unrelated 72-year-old man walking down the street. Luke allegedly told police he wanted to kill “nonwhites.” His victims were of Cape Verdean descent. Attorney Joseph Krowski Jr. said in his opening statement Thursday in Plymouth Superior Court that his client has a history of mental illness including several hospitalizations as a teenager, and “was not criminally responsible for the acts he perpetrated upon those people.” Krowski said Luke was cold and dispassionate when he raped one victim, and “cold as iceas he killed the other young woman, then coolly drove down the street before he killed 72-year-old Arlindo Dipina Goncalves. But prosecutor Frank Middleton said Luke was “a sexually frustrated, angry young man bent on revenge,” for rejections by women. The prosecutor displayed several items including a hammer, gags and handcuffs he said were tools Luke gathered to torture and kill his intended victims. “His plan as he indicated to police over and over was not to use the gun when he went into his victims houses,” Middleton said. “He wanted to kill them manually, he wanted to kill them stealthily, he wanted to use this hammer.” Luke also allegedly fired at several people trying to help one of his victims. He was arrested after a brief chase during which he allegedly fired on police officers. No officers were injured. In early court hearings after his arrest, Luke appeared with a swastika carved on his forehead. He allegedly told police he was “fighting extinction” of the white race and also planned to attack a synagogue near his home.

 

Boston, MA – That whole “rejected by women” defense strikes a chord in me as someone who has been rejected by women time and time again, however, thanks to my joy for life, coupled with an inherent will to never go to prison, the only thing I’d ever be convicted of is the mass genocide of about 4,000 Kleenex, 11 sets of drapes, 7 pillow cases during various hotel stays (including The Radisson, Marriott Courtyard, et al.) and probably a few pairs of Dockers during times of accidental Brogurt leak. You know how it is. Anyway, whether it’s proven that you’re clinically insane or not, you are criminally responsible when it comes to the cold blooded murder of innocent people. So, I’ll disagree with the ‘defense attorney’ on that. I also disagree with the prosecution regarding how “he wanted to kill them stealthily.” To me, stealthily means “very quietly”, and/or “did not know something evil was approaching.” This dude was driving down the street with a rape kit in his trunk, just blasting at Cape Verdeans like he was playing ‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.’ The real question of the day is, if he “allegedly fired on police officers”, why is he not “allegedly fucking dead right now”?

p.s. For those of you keeping score using your simple math skills, those “acts he perpetrated” happened 4 years ago, and the opening arguments just happened yesterday? He told police he wanted to kill people. People saw him kill people. He shot at cops. What are we waiting for, execute this motherfucker!

 

Unlike Massachusetts, Texas Isn’t Populated With Pussies

"Hi, I'm dead now"

 

DailyMail – A Texas inmate was executed Thursday evening for fatally shooting a convenience store robbery-turned-abduction nearly 11 years ago.  Richard Cobb, 29, didn’t deny using a 20-gauge shotgun to kill Kenneth Vandever in an East Texas field where two women also were shot and one was raped. He was convicted of capital murder. ‘Life is death, death is life. I hope that someday this absurdity that humanity has come to will come to an end,’ Cobb said when asked if he had any last words. ‘Life is too short. I hope anyone that has negative energy towards me will resolve that. ‘Life is too short to harbor feelings of hatred and anger. That’s it, warden.’ But that wasn’t it. Just before the lethal drug took effect and at the conclusion of his statement, Cobb twisted his head back, raised it off a pillow placed on the gurney and then toward the warden standing behind him. ‘Wow!’ the inmate exclaimed in a loud voice. ‘That is great. That is awesome! Thank you, warden! Thank you fucking warden!’

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Boston, MA and Texas – AWESOME is right! Giving credit where credit is due, those might be the best last words in “you’re about to receive a lethal injection” history. Despite that, however, I say ‘kill that motherfucker, Texas, kill him good!’ From beginning to end, what a great story all around. Okay, yeah, not the part about the murders and rape, but everything that happened after that was on point. If only there was another state in the union that could adopt a death penalty for acts of a despicable nature such as murder, or, oh, I don’t know, using premeditation to construct IED’s with pressure cookers that can be purchased at Target and left in a backpack near the finish line of one of the most storied athletic events on the planet to kill and maim innocent people including children. Oh, if only there was a state that would adopt that.

I keep hearing people say that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev should be stoned, or put in town square and let the victim’s families rip him in into pieces and urinate all over him, or the over-used and unoriginal “pull out his fingernails.” It’s all “we should do this and we should do that.” Well guess what? No one is going to do jack shit. He’s going to be sitting in Fort Devens for the rest of his life, eating Salisbury steaks, jerking off all day, and cheering on the Patriots. Really, the only difference between him and us is that he’s paid his last Comcast bill. It’s time for one of you to be mobilized into action. Anyone that gets close enough and assassinates Dickhead #2 will win a limited edition Wicked Improper bumper sticker (a $1.99 value!)

(Disclaimer: Wicked Improper not sure if you can legally rally people to assassinate other people in a blog, so, Wicked Improper does not condone assassinations. Wicked Improper not responsible for your own life imprisonment. Wicked Improper acknowledges that life in your cell is going to be fairly lonely, despite the fact you have our bumper sticker. Wicked Improper advises you to make friends with the Latin Kings on day one.)

 

Cast Your Vote To Put Ronald Beausoleil To Immediate Death

 

"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to prison I go"

 

A Level 3 sex offender from Massachusetts has been arrested after he allegedly sexually assaulted a minor in a New Hampshire Walmart this weekend, Plaistow police said. Ronald R. Beausoleil of Haverhill was arrested Monday night after Plaistow police patrolling the parking lot outside the store where the reported assault took place Sunday, observed a car matching a description of the suspect’s car, Plaistow police said in a statement. After officers discovered Beausoleil in his car, he was identified as the suspect and arrested. In Massachusetts, Beausoleil has two prior criminal offenses. He was convicted of indecent assault and battery on a child younger than 14 years old in June 1999 and attempted open and gross lewdness in April of 2007, according to the state Sex Offender Registry Board. The Level 3 status from the board means the individual has been deemed a high risk to reoffend and poses a substantial risk to the public. Beausoleil pleaded not guilty at an arraignment this morning at Plaistow District Court. The judge set his bail at $25,000.

Plaistow police received a report Sunday that a 9-year-old child was sexually assaulted while in the toy aisle at the Walmart. The victim had briefly been separated from a parent when a male stranger approached and touched the victim inappropriately before fleeing the store, police said.

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This would have been the perfect story to rip from the headlines for the lawyer drama I pitched to Fox last year (tentatively titled: “The Long Arm of Martin Munson.”) Here is a brief excerpt from the script I just wrote:

(After the defense completes their opening argument, claiming the defendant was given the wrong prescriptions to calm his raging hormones, Martin sneers at that steaming pile of shit, Ronald Beausoleil. He slams a folder (filled with blank documents because it’s just a tv show) onto the prosecution table and begins stalking the courtroom. As cameras pan the jury and onlookers in the court, the suspense and anticipation of this spirited speech is palpable.)

Martin Munson: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, good morning. The name “Beausoleil” literally translates to “beautiful sunshine.” That’s nice. But, do you know where the sun wasn’t shining on Monday, March 11, in the year of 2013? In the toy aisle at the Walmart in Plaistow, NH. In fact, one could even suggest that there was an eclipse of sorts, with the florescent lights casting the boner shadow of Mr. Beausoleil onto the Legos. The defense would have you believe that Mr. Beaulsoleil was simply off his medication, and that’s why he allegedly tried to rub dinks with a minor. Well, I’ve been off my medicine before, too, but the only side effect I had was the same as I’m sure many of you have experienced: I simply jerked off on my couch without ruining some child’s life. Now, if it would please this court, in the interest of saving everyone’s time and money, I’d like to roll the surveillance tape for the judge and jury and then let’s EXECUTE THIS MOTHERFUCKER. WHO’S WITH ME?!”

(The jury jumps to a standing ovation! The judge bangs the gavel while shaking his head and lol’ing!)

Judge: “Mr. Beausoleil, it is the opinion of this court that you spend the remainder of your life having other inmates use their dicks to wear your asshole for a mitten! Bailiff, take this piece of human excrement out of my sight. This calls for a celebration!”

(Confetti and balloons begin falling from the ceiling as the judge sounds the horn, the same one they play when the Bruins score a goal. Martin jumps off the prosecution table and crowd surfs over the audience, out the back of the courtroom, and picks up his glorious check! The gathered media throng jostles for position, trying to get one sound bite from this rising star of law.)

Martin: “Folks, at this time I have no comment about this case, but I feel that justice was served today. More importantly, the Law Offices of Martin Munson are now hiring. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer, so if you’re a hot, wet, 20-something and you think you want to be a paralegal or intern, I will give you every Equal Opportunity I can before I consider hiring some gross fatty.”

The End….?

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Thanks, hope you are all having a nice Lent.
Martin

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Put Ronald Beausoleil To Immediate Death?

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Nike: Just A Really Classy, Classy Operation

One presumes they mean "Just Go For a Run" and not "Just Go Kill Your SO..."

 

By being arrested for killing his model girlfriend (and we don’t mean “perfect” girlfriend but girlfriend who is – heh, sorry, “was” - a smoking hot model) he joins Nike’s esteemed group of ALLEGED cheaters, murderers, and dog killers who are proud to bear the Swoosh (tm I think):  Apolo Ohno, Lance Armstrong, Michael Vick, and now South African olympic bouncer Oscar Pistorius, who was arrested this week for shooting his girlfriend dead while in his apartment.  I wonder what the gun regs are like in South Africa.  Anyway, RIP, Reeva Steencamp, we ‘ardly knew ye’:

 

Yes.

YES.

Yes, of course. But is this even her?

Ray Lewis Announces His Retirement, Ends a 17 Year Dual Career Playing Linebacker And Staying Out Of Prison On Murder Charges

 

Allegedly! But seriously, google it. He settled out of court!

 

SI:  Ray Lewis announced Wednesday that he plans to retire at the end of the season, his 17th with the Baltimore Ravens. Lewis told his teammates that “this will be my last ride,” according to the team’s official Twitter feed.

 

They never found the white suit, guys.  Never.  Found.  It.

 

 

Please Cast Your Vote To Put John Burbine To Death Immediately

 

"Hi, I'm John Burbine, the face of Evil. Wishing you and yours Happy Holidays!"

 

A Wakefield man allegedly videotaped himself as he raped and sexually abused 13 small children — some as young as 8 days old — while providing day care for people at their homes in various towns outside Boston, Middlesex District Attorney Gerard T. Leone Jr. said today. John Burbine, 49, has been indicted on 100 counts. He gained access to the children through the child care service, Waterfall Education Center, run by his wife, prosecutors said.  “This is among the most troubling and disturbing cases of child abuse ever prosecuted in Middlesex County,” Leone said in a statement. The victims are from Stoneham, Medford, Newton, Reading, Melrose, Woburn, and Waltham. They were both male and female and ranged in age from 8 days to 3½ years old. The assaults occurred from August 2010 and through August 2012, prosecutors said.

 

Happy Holidays from Wakefield, MA! Spare me your “innocent until proven guilty” comments. Let me tell you two things about them having videotapes of John Burbine allegedly but probably/most likely sexually abusing kids. One, he’s guilty. Two, you do not want to be in that courtroom when they roll those tapes. I mean, you talk about the worst possible day ever to get called for jury duty. There is nothing worse than someone taking a child’s innocence. I remember as a boy scout, my troop leader told me I could earn my ‘MacGuyver badge’ if I could tell time by making a sundial using nothing but sunshine and my erection. Did we calculate it was 3:30pm and determine it was time to head back to camp? Yeah, but we could have just looked at either one of our Swatches. Anyway, it is finally time to really really embrace the beliefs of our forefathers, and that is, if you are not fit to live among us and behave, we will just fucking execute you on sight. Unfortunately, we live in Massachusetts, and soon enough John Burbine will be yet another member of the MA Department of Corrections Whack Marathon. Yep. Just spending all day jerking off, seeing who can fill a coffee mug first, and playing Go Fish on the taxpayer’s dime. Even though we have iPhones, drivers licenses, and some of us get our privates waxed, deep down inside we are all just savages. SAVAGES! Let’s kill him, today! What are we waiting for? May the defense attorney who takes this case also burn in some gross, smelly Hell filled with penises and anus.

Thanks for your vote, and Happy Holidays.
Martin

Put John Burbine To Death!

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Wicked Improper Demands The Release Of The Casey Anthony Sex Tape (Tapes?!)

 

Happy Hour! Two for one!

 

AP:  The Florida sheriff’s office that investigated the disappearance of Casey Anthony’s 2-year-old daughter overlooked evidence that someone in their home did a Google search for “fool-proof” suffocation methods on the day the girl was last seen alive.

WKMG reports that sheriff’s investigators pulled 17 vague entries only from the computer’s Internet Explorer browser, not the Mozilla Firefox browser commonly used by Casey Anthony. More than 1,200 Firefox entries, including the suffocation search, were overlooked.

Classic move.  I myself use IE for my porn online research, and Firefox for everything else, but it’s the same basic concept.  I bet that government official who’s job it was to search her hard drive got stuck on Casey’s “vague entries” on searches involving “breast augmentation” and “outfits that accentuate tremendous melons” and “drunken, anonymous, consequence-free threesome with an online blogger” on Explorer to even get around to bothering with Firefox, her browser of choice (allegedly, *wink!*) for proper baby killing techniques. 

The killer (NPI) is, this fing internet researcher is probably part of a union, so instead of getting fired for incompetence, the most he’ll see is a month or two of paid vacation followed by a continuation of his zombie march towards his bloated pension.

But in a way I’m glad this came out, because it reminds me to ask – “What in the f*ck are we waiting for with the whole Casey Anthony Sex Tape?!”

Cans? Yes. Guilty? Not. Roll tape!

What In The F8ck? Fatty Says We Can’t Kill Him Because He’s Fat?!

 

As many facebook users know, faceshots can be deceiving...

 

Yahoo:  Lawyers for a 480-pound death row inmate in Ohio say their client is too overweight to be put to death.

“Indeed, given his unique physical and medical condition there is a substantial risk that any attempt to execute him will result in serious physical and psychological pain to him, as well as an execution involving a torturous and lingering death,” reads the filing made on behalf of Ronald Post, 53, who was convicted of shooting to death hotel clerk Helen Vantz 29 years ago.

Post, who is set to be executed by lethal injection on January 16, 2013, says that his executioners would encounter several problems, including difficulty finding a viable vein for injection and the likelihood that with his unusual weight he would break any gurney used in the process.

 

Gang, you know that your old pal Red is nothing if not an advocate for fat out of shape slobs like this proven killer Mr. Post.  But can we get off the f-ing crazy train for a minute?  We’re not allowed to call people “fat,” we’re not allowed to encourage people to get fat by serving them large drinks with sugar in them, we’re not even allowed to charge people extra when their girth spills over into the next f-ing airplane seat.  And NOW, they want us to forego killing them by lethal injection.  Because they’re too fat.  Fat.  Because of a “unique physical and medical condition.”  I’ve got news for you, it ain’t that unique, you fat f*ck.  You know who had a not-so-unique physical and medical condition?  Helen Vantz.  She was deathly allergic to getting shot.  So sit down in that chair and take your medicine, f-er, or we can drop you in a hole & shoot you in the head.

 

Wednesday Wouldya, Midnight Express Edition

Before (circa 1994)

  

Afta afta (circa 2012)

Daily Mail:  When Angela Carnegie made the disastrous decision to smuggle heroin from Thailand, she had no idea how much worse her life could get.  After being caught at Bangkok airport, she was sentenced to life in a Thai prison in 1993 – where she was forced to eat rotting food teeming with maggots, sleep next to prisoners with leprosy and survive without running water.

Carnegie, from Chicago, was in her twenties and had just broken up with a serious boyfriend. Feeling vulnerable, she decided to take up a friend’s offer for some quick cash by bringing a suitcase lined with drugs back to the U.S.  Thai officials spotted her immediately at the airport and she was arrested. She sentenced to life at the infamous ‘Bangkok Hilton’ prison.

She said that after she was sentenced, she contemplated suicide.  The prison is called the ‘Big Tiger’ by Thais because ‘it eats those on the inside’.  During her decade at the prison, she would often sleep next to prisoners with tuberculosis, leprosy, pink eye and various other rashes and infections. 

But her story does have a happy ending. After she was extradited to the United States on December 6, 2002, she gave that same boyfriend a call.  He was the one person who told her not to go to Thailand. An eight-hour phone call lead to a nine-year marriage.

 

Obvious question, and I know you’re all thinking it, so I’m going to say/write it:  10 f8cking years in a Thai torture prison, and not one pound shed?  Either the “Eat Less” diet is bullshit (it’s not) or I’m not getting the whole story here.  Don’t get me wrong, this prison would eat me up and shit me out the other end, but it does make me raise an eyebrow.  And what about that dude who dumped her, told her not to go smuggle drugs, then marries her 10 years later, knowing full well that she might have leprosy and “various other rashes and infections?”  “Various.  Other.  Rashes.”  No thanks.  But National Geographic did a story about her, so I guess it has to be true. 

Would I leave the US to smuggle drugs out of the Far East?  Hell no, I saw Midnight Express.  Would I marry this lady a decade after she skipped town?  I doubt it – I haven’t forgotten about the VORs.  But would show her my Big Tiger while she was still in the can?  Despite my misgivings about the details of this story, of course I ”would.”  Can you imagine the conjugal visits at this joint?  Insanity.  Plus a great story to tell.  I’d have either walked out of there triumphant, or humiliated that a) I couldn’t please 50 willing women at once and b) my dick fell off from leprosy. 

 

 

Would You Show Angela Your Big Tiger In Prison?

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That Uncomfortable Moment When You Realize That Being a 6’7″ Basketball Star Isn’t Going To Keep You Out Of The Gray Bar Hotel

An Ohio high school basketball star collapsed in court Tuesday after receiving a three-year prison sentence. You can hear 18-year-old Tony Farmer question his lawyer in disbelief as the judge read the verdict, which sounded like he would spend several years in prison. Then, his knees buckled and he collapsed…  Farmer is accused of kidnapping, assaulting and threatening his ex-girlfriend, Andrea Lane, last April. Farmer, who is 6’7″, was ranked among the top 100 high school players in the country and was being recruited by several major colleges.

 

“Wait a sec – does the judge realize that I’m supposed to go to Ohio State?!” 

I guess that makes the score:  Justice: 2*, Celebrities and Superstars: 7,392,743,971

Welp, there’s always the California Penal League!

 

*I’m counting OJ’s trials #2 and #3 as one