"This is your Captain speaking. If I was the button for the landing gear, where would I be?"
Boston, MA and in the waters off Cape Cod – Well, it only took 12 years for the lowest of the lowly vampires to present itself, but here we are. JFK Jr’s former assistant, RoseMarie Terenzio has “come forth” with a new book titled “Fairy Tale Interrupted”, which details his final moments. It’s nice of this vampire walking among us to reveal something that she herself was not present for. She’s going to tell you that Junior “died doing something he loved”, and, of course, one should understand from the context that means “the spiritual freedom and control one feels when flying a plane” as opposed to, you know, “panicking and hitting buttons, screaming for help that’s not coming, and belly flopping a twin-engine cessna into the Atlantic.” The unfortunate thing about this money-grubbing writer is, she can take creative liberties with the final moments because there was no black box onboard. Of course, it should be noted that I’m taking about the indestructible recording device installed in most cockpits, and not that notorious snatch, Naomi Campbell, who once dated John John.
I can’t begin to imagine how you’re going to dedicate an entire book to someone’s final moments, unless the book is one page long. I could save us all a lot of money ($29.95 for hardcover, $14.95 for paperback, or $0.00 from the Pirate Bay before SOPA passes) by telling you the story right now. The following is a dramatization of the final moments aboard the flight to Camelot:
JFK Jr: (looking under seat) “I can’t find that god damn corkscrew.”
Carolyn: “OMG, when we get back to Hyannis, I am so going shopping. SHOPPING!”
JFK Jr: “Hey…hold my wine for a sec. You guys wanna see me fly the plane with my dick?”
(Note: While there were various rumors following the crash, it has been vehemently denied that someone spotted Uncle Teddy swimming away from the wreckage.)
I promised I wouldn’t rail on about SOPA/PIPA again, but this is the kind of information you won’t have access to if those laws pass. Did you know that the FAA released documents that show 1 in 10 single engine crashes are a result of “pilot was showing off to passengers by trying to fly the plane with his testicles”? Google that, I dare you. Time is running out, friends. If those laws go over, the information you have access to will be the information the government wants you to see. File under: Nothing.
The mainstream media and this awful book may never get around to asking the important questions like Wicked Improper, so we’ll ask it for them: Where did the undertaker find a 9-piece suit to bury John in?