Boston, MA – Perhaps the only redeeming quality of the entire human race is our never-ending curiosity and our need to create and invent things. You might be asking yourself “Hey, how come he didn’t mention our other qualities, like unimaginable greed, clawing and scratching our way over each other for more money, crushing the earth with drills and chemicals, and overfishing our seas?” but I omitted those intentionally because we don’t have all day here. As someone who boasts an above average IQ (information quotient), I am fortunate enough to have ideas come to me, rather than spending time searching for them. Some of my friends even believe I am Touched. So, it is with sadness I inform you that after years of tinkering, someone came along and ripped off my idea. A friend of mine just emailed me a picture of a fan that is essentially the same invention I thought of 10 years ago. Admittedly, their polished, mass-produced, revenue-generating finished product is sleeker than the idea that’s consumed my life for nearly a decade. So, what does this fan do, what makes it so special, and how come me and a team of genius engineers ‘coincidentally’ came up with the same idea? Well, it basically sits on the floor in or near the center of a room and cools everything around it simultaneously. Yes, yes, it is very much like a ceiling fan, I’ve heard that a million fucking times now. But, my fan is portable and would no doubt become hugely popular in America, leaving the red-headed stepchild of the industry (oscillating fans) to those less fortunate, such as illegal aliens who enjoy an intermittent breeze literally every now and again. Now, here is their finished version at, ahem, $300, and then below you will see a rough sketch of my prototype (MSRP $199), complete with assembly schematics and wind/drag formulas. (If any Investors believe my version is different enough to warrant its’ own patent, please contact me in our comments section.)

"$300 are you dicking me?"

Now, please keep in mind that my blueprint is an early draft, but clearly you can see my fan centered in the room, and how everyone is able to cool down their private sections no matter where they position themselves. During the creative process, it was difficult for me to come up with a marketable, ambiguous name. So, I settled on making two fans. For the popular 18-35 male demographic, I wanted to call it the “Testicooler”, but also to capture some of the ever-growing female immigrant audience, the “Guatemalan Pussy Chiller.” Understandably, they may not carry those at your local Target.