Meat Pounder In The News!

"Jared Walter: Brogurt Launcher"

 

 

Portland, Oregon – Jared Weston Walter, 26, is accused of masturbating and ejaculating onto the heads of TriMet bus passengers in Portland, Oregon, The Oregonian reported. Walter allegedly gave a female passenger the special protein treatment at about 7 a.m. Tuesday, and authorities believe he did the same thing to at least two other women over the past three weeks. “At the time of those first two reports, the victims were unsure as to what had transpired, and the seriousness of the offense was not understood,” wrote Sgt. Pete Simpson in a statement obtained by The Oregonian. Walter has become known as the TriMet Barber, because in 2010, he was convicted of cutting off the hair of random bus passengers and spreading super glue on their heads. He was sentenced to 13 months in prison and two years of parole, according to KATU, and was just recently paroled. Now he’s facing charges of sex abuse, harassment, disorderly conduct, public indecency and interfering with public transportation. According to KGW, he pleaded not guilty and will return to court in June. In 2010, Walter’s mother told KATU that her son had been difficult to handle growing up, but she was unaware of him having an obsession with women’s hair.

 

 

Boston, MA – Say what you want about Jared Weston Walter, but nobody, and I mean nobody tells him how to ride the bus. Not even 13 months in prison could make him think twice about getting his bus pass again and shooting jism onto more heads. Per usual with our ‘Meat Pounder in the News’ segment, there are questions that we’ll never get the answer to. For example, what do they mean “there were victims that were unsure as to what had transpired”? There’s a guy standing behind you, just casually jacking his cock between stops, then he goes “OH MY GOD…OH FUCK YEAH…OVERHAND GRIP…HERE IT COMES. WHO’S MY NAUGHTY LITTLE COMMUTER? BABOOOOSH!” and then he soaks your scalp, and you’re not sure what just transpired? Um, this isn’t just any regular jackoff artist we’re talking about, this is Jared Weston Walter, the TriMet Barber. You’re in the company of Meat Pounding excellence, and you just got bukkake’d by him.

This blog was going to be longer, but I’m going to play a golf tournament at Indian Ridge in Andover. Enjoy your Monday, and remember, “If you can’t do the time, don’t pound your meat on the Green Line.”

 

 

Meat Pounder In The News!

 

"Hi, I masturbate in public!"

 

 

Boston, MA – A Revere man was arrested on the MBTA last night for allegedly making sexually obscene gestures at a 10-year-old girl then masturbating in front of her. Transit Police said Lopera Zuluaga, 52, boarded an outbound Blue Line train at Maverick Station and sat directly across from the victim. He began to make “inappropriate physical overtures directly at the young female,” according to a police report. Within minutes, Zuluaga allegedly began masturbating “while glaring” at the girl, police said, attempting to hide himself under a backpack. A woman noticed the activity, and began yelling, thereby drawing attention to Zuluaga who then attempted to flee. However, a man who had allegedly witnessed the incident tried to stop him from leaving the train, and a struggle ensued. Zuluaga allegedly fled the train at Revere Beach Station, but was arrested on Nahant Street near the intersection of Shirley Avenue. He was due to be arraigned today in Chelsea District Court for open and gross lewdness. Transit Police Superintendent-in-Chief Joseph O’Connor today commended T passengers for speaking up. “Our See Something, Say Something campaign applies to anything that people view as unusual. Not only important to our anti terrorism efforts, but it’s also important to the general, overall safety of the MBTA,” O’Connor said. “It’s very important that riders work with police so we can keep the MBTA as safe and secure as possible.”

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Boston, MA, home of the Meat Pounder – Great, like Boston needed another reason not to trust guys with backpacks. Not only do we need trained dogs patrolling our various modes of public transportation to sniff out explosives, but now we need canines that can sense when “something is not right” as large amounts of blood rush into the groins of perverts. Now, please take a moment to look at your calendar. Ahhhh. Spring Time. The flowers started blooming, the birds begin chirping at 5:30am outside your bedroom window on a Saturday, and chronic masturbators emerge from their dwellings to launch Brogurt in public. When you really stop to think about it, just in terms of fresh air, isn’t Spring the perfect season for the Meat Pounder? I mean, if you had to pick one? You almost can’t blame Lopera Zuluaga. He’s been cooped up all Winter, slowly massaging probably countless amounts of boners, waiting very patiently for just the right day to ride the Blue Line and pound his meat in front of minors. With the exception of “he’s going to prison”, you’d have to consider that train ride to be a pretty good value with his $2 Charlie Card (or perhaps he had the $70 Link Pass for unlimited travel and self-pleasuring.)

Anyway, speaking of value, how much would you pay to have seen that struggle ensue? Think about this before you try to assign a dollar amount to it: A guy with Marty Feldman’s eyes, jerking off under a backpack, being chased down the platform with his hardon slapping side to side off his thighs, and getting arrested in front of hundreds of commuters? My number is $20 (or $59.99 on Pay-Per-View if a few of you wanted to split it.) I guess there are Good Samaritan’s out there, and you never really know how you’re going to react until a situation presents itself, but if I see a guy attempting to flee with his boner exposed, you know what? I’m going to go ahead and let him get his flee on. I’m gonna wait my turn to be a hero for something like a purse snatcher. Meanwhile, in court…

Judge: “On one count of Meat Pounding and using a backpack to disguise Trouser Jihad, how do you plead?”

Lopera Zuluaga: “Horny, your Honor. I plead very, very horny.”

 

(Thanks to Sully for the link)

Hi, I’m Lawrence Urban, And I’d Like To Massage Your Pussy

"Well, I have been told I look like Harrison Ford"

 

A massage therapist in Cascade Township, Mich., may not have a happy ending after being accused of inappropriately touching one of his clients during a massage. Lawrence Urban, 49, is facing criminal sexual conduct charges for a massage he performed on a female customer on March 15, according to WOOD-TV. The massage apparently rubbed the accuser the wrong way. She reported Urban to the Kent County Sheriff’s Department and said he touched her inappropriately during her session, ClickOnDetroit.com reported. Urban, 49, reportedly admitted touching the victim’s genital area, Kent County Sheriff’s Detective Jason Russo told a judge, according to MLive.com. “During the massage, Lawrence admits to … asking her if she wanted to orgasm,” Russo said in court. “After the victim (stated) ‘no,’ Lawrence told the victim that ‘your body is telling me one thing, but you are telling me another.’”

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“According to WOOD-TV.” Come on, are you dicking me? Anyway, congratulations Larry, you’re going to prison where there’s a whole lotta massagin’ goin’ on. Not to go into details, but some of the inmates are going to welcome and relax you by giving unannounced Shiatsu treatments to your asshole. I absolutely love this move: “Your body is telling me one thing, but you are telling me another.” Unfortunately for you, Larry, her body won’t be the one doing the talking on the witness stand. There are a few questions I think we would all like to have answered, unfortunately, we may never get them. Such as:

1. Who hired you?

2. How did you get hired?

3. When you filled out the application, did you check the box for “No, I do not have any prior convictions”?

4. With only two possible directions to choose from, how did you pick the wrong one for your comb-over?

5. Was the woman you were massaging blind, or did she see you with the lights on and somehow still agree to let you massage her?

5a. Did she see you but decide to throw caution to the wind because time was running out on the Groupon?

6. Can we see the “before” picture so we can see how handsome you were prior to meth?

7. Don’t you think it’s weird how this woman said “no”, but if a woman were to ask any guy, the answer would be “yes”?

8. What drove you to cross the line from “Larry Urban, Professional Masseuse” to “You know what? New Larry Urban gonna just start groping pussy”?

9. Have any of your buddies ever gotten really drunk and mistaken your one sideburn and ear for a vagina?

10. Do you believe this (i.e. your prison term) ever would have happened had you been blessed with good looks like a Ryan Gosling or a Fred Savage?

Namaste, Larry.

Martin

Meat Pounder In The News!

"Look nauseous if this photo was taken after you were brought up on child porn charges!"

 

Boston, MA – A pediatric dentist with an office in Framingham is facing child pornography charges after authorities allegedly found illicit images on a laptop computer that he brought to a service provider for repairs, prosecutors said. Melvin A. Ehrlich, 52, of Millis, was arrested and is scheduled to be arraigned Thursday in Framingham District Court on charges of possession of child pornography and distribution of child pornography, the office of Middlesex District Attorney Gerard T. Leone Jr. said. Ehrlich had brought his laptop to a service provider to remove a suspected virus and while working on the machine, the technician discovered suspected child pornography and called police, prosecutors allege. Authorities determined after an extensive investigation that Ehrlich, who operates a business called Wee Care for Kids in Framingham, used the laptop to download and distribute commercially traded child pornography, according to Leone’s office. “While the case remains under development and investigation, there is currently no evidence that presently leads law enforcement to believe that Ehrlich physically abused any children or manufactured any images of child pornography,” the statement said. A spokeswoman for Leone declined to identify the service provider that examined Ehrlich’s laptop or provide the exact time-frame of events, but said the probe was a “months-long” investigation. Ehrlich wrote in his autobiography to his professional website that he received a psychology degree from Boston University before attending dental school in Atlanta. “I chose a career in Pediatric Dentistry because I love being around children,” he wrote. “They’re so honest, humorous and fun. I find it very refreshing and wouldn‘t give it up for anything.”

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Boston, MA – Well, after a few uncommonly quiet weeks, we can no longer tiptoe around this fact: We are caught in the very epicenter of a Meat Pounding Storm. It’s raining slowly massaged dicks and balls out there. Remember yesterday, with the Maestro of Masturbate, the ex-Reverend Lowe Dongor? And who could forget Dawaylan Hall running through the streets of Columbus, OH with his frequently exposed brown baguette? And now, here we have Melvin Ehrlich, proprietor of “Wee Care for Kids”, which gives me the shivers just to type by the way, allegedly receiving and “uh-oh!” sending child pornography. I’m not sure why sending it is worse than receiving it, but it just is, especially to law enforcement, the courts, and future inmates who are going to be using their dicks to wear this guys’ asshole for a mitten. I mean, I receive so many regular porn links from spambots each day, I have enough to last me a lifetime and potentially beyond. I don’t need to then turn around and forward those links to guys in other countries like we belong to some kind of all male book club that revolves around pounding our meat and not reading. Speaking of which, why do free porn sites have Facebook and Twitter links? Who is going to be like “After I finish wrangling one out to two Milfs passing the pizza delivery guys’ dick back and forth like it’s a relay race baton, I really want to stay connected and share the link with my social media network and family”? Anyway, what else can you say? Melvin Erhlich, you sir are one tooth polishing Meat Pounder. Ultimately, Melvin, you were caught white-handed because you didn’t want to let saved child porn bygones be bygones. Perhaps when your body is being used for a mattress at MCI-Concord, it will quickly dawn on you that you should have just spent $300 on a new Google Chromebook.

One Meat Pounder down, many, many to go.

 

"Open wide!"

Meat Pounder In The News!

"Smile if this picture was taken before you were brought up on child porn charges!"

 

WORCESTER, Mass. (AP) — A Roman Catholic priest who was indicted in Massachusetts on child pornography and larceny charges is spending Christmas in jail. The Telegram & Gazette reports the Rev. Lowe Dongor was ordered held on $500,000 cash bail after pleading not guilty at his arraignment on Monday in Worcester Superior Court. Dongor was assigned to St. Joseph’s parish in Fitchburg when he was initially charged in 2011. Prosecutors said child pornography was found on his computer, and he was also accused of stealing from the church’s weekly collection. Authorities say Dongor later fled to his native Phillipines. He returned to the U.S. last month and surrendered to authorities in Los Angeles. Worcester Bishop Robert McManus has asked Pope Benedict XVI to defrock Dongor, who was placed on administrative leave by the diocese.

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Guys. Come on. Lowe Dongor? Is Boston.com throwing us softballs for our Meat Pounder in the News blogs? Please say this outloud with your best Rob Schneider “Copy Guy” voice: “Reverend Dongor. The Dongor. The Dongman. The Donginator. Pressin’ chargeys. Goin’ to jail. Getting rapied. The Dongmeister. Dongstradamus. Takin’ showers. Pounding meat. Dongasaurus Rex. Takin’ facials. Life Sentence. Gettin’ Defrocked. The Ex-Reverend Dongor, sayin’ goodbye to his asshole.” I could literally do that all day long, but I don’t want to annoy anyone more than I already do. But, can we just review this story from a serious standpoint for a minute? First, as you may recall, this guys’ name is Lowe Dongor. I know we shouldn’t discriminate and all that, but when someone fills out an application ANYWHERE, let alone to be a priest, you simply must throw an application with the name “Lowe Dongor” into the garbage. If he comes in and says “How come you no hire me? It have anything to do with my rast name?” you just say “No, Mr. Lowe Dongor, the position to be a priest and gaining access to altar boys has already been filled.” Also, it was nice of them to include the lesser charge of stealing loose change from the wicker basket. That’s precisely why I never give cash to anyone, anywhere. Not long after everyone is gone, whether it’s the catholic church or the salvation army, somewhere in a back room, you know that shit is being divied up. Also, how thoughtful of Robert McManus to “ask” Pope Benedict to “defrock” the Dongman. How about “You are hereby defrocked.” Plus, what does that even mean? You have to give your robe back and stay 500 feet away from altar boys and donation bins? Who would even let a child out of their sight at this point? It is touching penis madness out there. Touching, penis, MADNESS.

 

Meat Pounder In The News: Ohio Edition

"Dawaylan Hall, Meat Pounder"

Columbus, OH – Sometimes Dillard Hall doesn’t see anything unusual about his son Dawaylan. The 27-year-old Dawaylan Hall holds down landscaping jobs. He talks about being there for his two children, spends time with his girlfriend and prays for guidance with his father and stepmother at their North Side home. “Then all of a sudden, bam,” his father said. After months of apparent stability, Dawaylan calls, sounding panicked. He is in trouble again. Then Mr. Hall sees his son as authorities do — a man whose obsession with exposing himself to women has led to more than a dozen public-indecency arrests since 2004. Most recently, Dawaylan was arrested on Oct. 18 and accused of masturbating two days earlier in front of a University District coffee-shop patron. “We knew it was him,” said Sgt. David Pelphrey of the sexual-assault unit. “Because he is such a frequent flier with us, we are aware of his MO.” So is Mike Heslop, the owner of Kafe Kerouac on N. High Street. Dawaylan has been in his business four times since 2010, including on Oct. 16, Heslop said. Each time, Hall came in while appearing to be on the phone, did not order anything and sat near a woman who eventually noticed that he had pulled down his sweatpants to expose and fondle himself, Heslop said. By the time the startled women report him to employees, Hall is out the door, Heslop said. “I’ve chased after him twice.”  

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If you thought the Meat Pounders in Massachusetts were bad, get a load of this guy. Sure, pun intended. Well, what else can you say, Dawaylan Hall, you sir are a Meat Pounder. There are a few people you can feel sorry for in this story. Dillard Hall raised a son the best he could, unfortunately, “All of a sudden, bam!”, that son just so happens to like pounding his meat in public fairly often. I also feel bad for Mike Heslop, the owner of Kafe Kerouac who tries to make a living selling coffee and baked goods. Although Mike would have probably preferred a customary tip, it really says something about the quality of your scones when one of your customers shows his appreciation by masturbating in your booths. But Mike Heslop shouldn’t have to keep a checklist of responsibilities in his office, like “order more flour….order more butter…order more sugar….patrol the cafe to see if Dawaylan is trying to rub his helmet against one of my regulars”, he has a business to run. Speaking of running, is there a better vision than Mike Heslop holding a rolling pin and wearing a baker’s hat covered in flour, chasing Dawaylan Hall down the street while he has yet another exposed raging hardon? Part of me wants to call the bakery to ask Mike how he can’t catch a guy running with a dick in his hands. I’ve literally had to sprint for my life while holding my boner (I’ll tell you that boy scout camping trip story another time) and when both your arms aren’t swinging freely, you end up running almost sideways like a retarded monkey. I would have paid anything to see that chase out of Kafe Kerouac. I haven’t had my finger on the pulse of Columbus very long, but if anyone has the headline from that day “Baker Loses Foot Race To Boner Bandit”, please send us the link.

One Meat Pounder down, many, many to go.

 

Meat Pounder In The News!

 

"David E. Anderson, Doctor of Pussicology" (Public Defender, pictured at right, striking a familiar pose of defeat)

NEWBURYPORT, Mass. (AP) — A Salisbury man has been charged with pretending to be a medical professional so he could recruit young women for invasive medical exams that he secretly videotaped. Prosecutors also allege 44-year-old David E. Anderson, who has a home in Newtown, Conn., secretly videotaped nude adolescent female relatives. The Newburyport Daily News reports Anderson was held on $500,000 bail at his arraignment Monday on charges of unlawfully recording a nude or partially nude person and possession of child pornography. Police say Anderson recruited women through Craigslist and offered money to be examined by medical students for research. Instead, Anderson conducted what he called preliminary examinations. Authorities say Anderson may have fooled at least 20 women over several years. His court-appointed attorney said bail was excessive and his client is not a flight risk.

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Boston, MA – Well, this guy is not a good Uncle at all. And here I was, thinking we had seen everything from our local Meat Pounders. Well, not really, because you’ll remember a month ago, Christian Hobbs, the man we famously nicknamed “The Andy Dufresne of Jerking Off”, army crawled through cobweb-filled aluminum vents just to watch a woman urinate. Well, what else can you say? David E. Anderson, you sir are a Meat Pounder. To be honest, that first sentence wasn’t so bad. Pretending to be a medical professional? Okay. Recruiting young women? Kinda okay, depending on their ages. “Invasive medical exams”, well, I don’t think you have to be a fake medical professional to realize that he was fingering them. I guess things really go downhill in that next sentence, the one where he videotapes nude adolescent female relatives. Sometimes I wonder if prison wouldn’t be that bad if your asshole could somehow post bond. Like your cellmate goes “You are really going to get a pounding tonight after ‘Jeopardy!” and you’re like “Oh yeah? Well, the joke is kind of on you because my asshole just got paroled, so if anyone’s gonna get pounded around here it’s going to have to be my mouth.” Anyway, my concerns even run a bit deeper, in terms of, where are we as a society, you guys? Women are still answering Craigslist ads for money? Did no alarm bells go off when these women got to his medical office in the basement of his mother’s house and the examination table was a futon? I will give $20 to anyone that can find me one of this guys’ ads. “Hello, I’m a doctor, and I’d like to insert a few things into your vagina in my room filled with mirrors. Your health is my biggest concern, and that’s why I’ve decided to waive your co-pay. In fact, there are snacks and money in it for you!” I know I’m a gifted writer, but there has to be more to it than that.

One Meat Pounder down, many, many to go.

p.s. Home in Newtown, Connecticut for sale.

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Meat Pounding Clown In The News?

 

"I wish I had my selzer bottle!"

(I bolded some shit in case you’re short on time and would rather skim)

Danvers, MA – A 46-year-old Danvers man who works as a clown for children’s parties was arraigned on Thursday after reportedly trying to solicit sex from a truck driver. A truck driver called police claiming that James Vosolo, who was naked at the time, approached his truck at a rest stop in Rowley on Tuesday night wearing only a thong. The driver got out of his car and Vosolo reportedly grabbed the driver’s genitals. He then told Vosolo to meet him at a rest stop in New Hampshire and then called police to report the incident.

Mass. State Police attempted to stop Vosolo as he was driving but he reportedly continued and was throwing items out of his window. Vosolo finally stopped along Route 95 in Salisbury and was arrested. The 46-year-old reportedly admitted to tossing a crack pipe and some cocaine out of his window. Investigators also say Vosolo admitted to leaving his home in just a thong and approaching a randomly selected truck driver because he wanted to “fulfill a fantasy.”

Vosolo was arraigned on charges that include indecent exposure, assault and battery, and failure to stop for police Thursday.

Investigators tell FOX 25 Vosolo worked as a clown and children’s entertainer at Total Entertainment. The company says that Vosolo no longer works there. Vosolo was wearing only thong underwear when he was ordered out of his car at gunpoint. Assisting at the scene were Trooper Matthew Heaphy, state police Sgt. Bruce O’Rourke and Salisbury police officer Richard Dellaria. A search of Vosolo’s vehicle resulted in the seizure of several sex toys, Halloween masks and head lamps, according to state police.

 

Wowie does this story have it all or what? Clowns. Speeding. Crack. Thongs. Fantasy. A very calm truck driver. Genitals. Somehow no violence. Even headlamps! Well, what else can you say, James Vosolo, you sir are a squeaky nosed Meat Pounder. Granted, he was trying to pound someone else’s meat, but we’re still going to qualify him. Good stuff by that truck driver feigning interest so he could buy he and his asshole a little time to call the cops. I mean, Jesus Christ, “several sex toys” and Halloween masks is one thing, but head lamps? What was James Vosolo’s fantasy exactly? (The following may or may not be a dramatization)

“The plan is to meet a randomly selected truck driver at a rest stop and grab his unsuspecting dick, then fall for the ol’ ‘oh this rest stop isn’t as hot as the rest stop in New Hampshire so meet me there’ routine. While in transit, I’ll fire up some crack and strip down to my thong and maybe work my shaft a little bit. Thankfully, I’ve been planning this for years so I’ll have my duffel bag filled with dildos, butt plugs, and my Harry Potter mask in the trunk. Once I climb into the trucker’s cabin, we’ll play ‘Rescue the turtles from the well’ as I flip on my headlamp and slowly pull a series of anal beads from his ass.”

I honestly don’t know if that’s the fantasy, I’m just trying to piece this whole thing together so some of us can finally get some closure.

Meat Pounder In The News! (Yes, again)

"Hola! Soy un triturador de carne!" ("Hello, I am a meat pounder!")

 

Boston – MBTA Transit Police report arresting a man they say “manipulated himself” in front of a woman at Tufts Medical Center on Oct. 6 when the woman saw him again last night at the Orange Line station. Police say Juan Pena, 23, started his subway interlude on Oct. 6 by piggybacking his way into the station. Then: [He] proceeded over to the victim with his pants unzippered and was manipulating himself. The female victim screamed and attempted to walk away from the male, however he followed close behind her the entire time masturbating. The victim contacted Transit Police and reported the incident. Last night, around 8:20, police say, the woman entered the station and saw the guy on the platform. She immediately contact police, who, after she IDed him, arrested him on a charge of open and gross conduct. He’s scheduled for arraignment today in Boston Municipal Court.

 

Boston (Home of the Meat Pounder) – Well, what else can you say? Juan Pena, you sir, are a meat pounder. Per usual, thanks to shitty reporting, there is so much more to this story that we’re not hearing. What does “piggybacking” his way into the station mean? Like, did he use someone else’s T pass to sneak in for a free ride? Or, did he physically get on someone’s back and was carried into the station? If so, was that person not aware of Juan’s trouser tamale poking him in the back? Also, is “unzippered” a word? I thought it was just unzipped? If there is one thing that is not up for dispute, it’s that Juan Pena was manipulating himself in plain view of everyone. People are so concerned with EEE, and Meningitis, and yet, there is clearly a Meat Pounding epidemic spreading throughout this great state, and no one wants to talk about it. Yes, I know it’s a difficult topic to cover on the news. You can’t really picture Fox25′s Gene Lavanchy saying “This just in, Meat Pounding has claimed yet another victim.” The alarming thing about this virus, ladies, is that screaming does not dissuade manipulators from trying to rub their helmets up against your yoga pants. So, if you can imagine, this woman screams and begins walking away, but here comes Juan Pena with a little bit of rapido in his step, masturbating the entire time. If that’s not one of the symptoms right there I don’t know what is. When the pound knows no bounds. Not stopping for anything or anyone. Those of us not afflicted with the virus know how difficult it is when you’re pounding it normally at home in one room, then you move to another room for the grand finale. You proceed with caution so you don’t bounce your rod off a door frame and potentially break your dick. Not Juan Pena. He will follow you through the turnstile, up the escalator, and onto the bus if it means he can finish up in your presence.

Please let your friends, family, and colleagues know about the Meat Pounding virus. It’s important for women, particularly those that commute via public transportation, to remain aware of their surroundings. Some of the early indications that you are a potential victim of Meat Pounding include:

1. Having that knowing feeling that you are being stared at by another passenger.

2. Looking at Pinterest on your iPhone while riding the subway and having the tip of a strangers penis pressed against your face.

3. Running for you and your pussy’s life from the underground while a possible illegal alien chases you with his exposed hardon.

Please like this on Facebook and Twitter so we can protect our citizens.

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(Thanks to Sully for the link)

Update on James Hill, Meat Pounder

Upton, MA – You have to admit, “James Hill, Meat Pounder” almost sounds like it could be its’ own tv show. I’m not sure who would watch a show about a guy who lurks around in basements with high-tech audio visual equipment so he can record women going to the bathroom and then watch and listen later in his whack palace. You put that shit on Bravo, and Mrs. Munson would probably tune in. I know you couldn’t call the show “James Hill MP”, because then people would get the idea he was in the Military Police, instead of being the serial jerkoff artist that he is. Anyway, if our other meat pounder, Christian Hobbs, is the Andy Dufresne of jerking off, then James Hill is the Jason Bourne. Good ol’ Hobbsy likes to army crawl through your vents with snacks and energy drinks to stay nourished for one of his signature marathon whacks. James Hill, on the other hand (sure pun intended), employs state of the art surveillance equipment so he can rub his helmet all over the 4″ display and pretend it’s your private spots. In a bit of irony, he’s being sent to jail where the number one pastime is? You guessed it: Pounding your meat.

(Editors Note: Shelli Stoddard absolutely rocking the stockings pulled up and teased hair look. I mean, I’m not going into her basement with spy equipment I bought on Amazon, but she looks like a go’er.)

 

Meat Pounder In The News!

"James Hill, 72 inches worth of Meat Pounder"

 

UPTON, Mass. (WHDH) — An Upton woman’s landlord is facing charges after he allegedly installed a spy cam in her bathroom. “I was sitting here and I see this tube and I’m like looking at it and it starts moving,” said Shelli Stoddard. Stoddard says she caught her landlord — who lives next door — videotaping her in her bathroom. Stoddard noticed that the camera was moving and pulled on the cord ripping it apart. She heard someone in the basement running away.

“And I look at it for a minute and my pants were around my ankles. So a little startled, I pull them up and I get a little closer and I realize that it’s moving, and it looks like a camera lens and I reach over and I grab it from the base and as soon as I grabbed it, tugged on it, it went flying down and disappeared,” said Stoddard.

Police say 42-year-old James Hill was in the basement secretly manning a video camera. Authorities say it was passed through the heating register in the floor. Investigators say the camera was attached to a hand-held computer that can hold pictures and video. Investigators also say they are working to recover any images that may be on it. Hill is due in court Wednesday.
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Well, what else can you say? James Hill of Upton, MA, you sir are one patient meat pounder. I’m not sure how much longer I can continue doing this Meat Pounder segment. There’s literally not enough time in the day to blog about all the Meat Pounders out there, and we’re only covering Massachusetts. You know what’s really alarming? These guys are taking to the vents physically (like Christian Hobbs, the pounder we nicknamed “the Andy Dufresne of jerking off”), and now electronically, just to get a peekaboo of some vaginas. Now, I would be flattered if someone was recording me in a dressing room, or going number ones in a restroom on the turnpike, but I get why women are turned off by this. No one wants to be spied on while they’re wiping their pussy dry. Women can sometimes act coy about it, but in their heart of hearts, they now know that when they look down to see a pair of beady eyes, or a snake-cam peaking through the vents, there is meat on the other end, and oh my lord is that meat being pounded.
Please post this to Facebook, or Twitter using the hashtag: #meatpounder
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Meat Pounder In The News!

"Unidentified Meat Pounder"

 

Boston Herald – T police are asking for the public’s help in tracking down a man they say exposed himself to a woman on a Red Line train. The man — appearing to doze off on a T car in a photo provided by police — allegedly pulled off the act on July 20, though police only released a statement seeking help in identifying him today. Police say that around 11 a.m., the man exposed himself to a woman on a northbound Red Line train between the Park Street and MGH stations, then masturbated. While the female victim hopped off the train on Harvard Square, the suspect stayed on, police said. He is described as a white male, standing between 5-foot-4 and 5-foot-6, with gray hair and a mustache. It’s unclear who snapped the photo police released or when the alleged act was reported to police.

Well, what else can you say, you sir, are an Anonymous Meat Pounder. But, not for long. Someone has to know who this Jackmeister is. Based on the picture, we can deduce that he is a Red Sox fan, possibly of Danish descent who favors a broom handle moustache and is equipped with what appears to be a preposterous amount of cockmeat. It’s either that, or his khaki shorts are two sizes too small. Either way, even I have to admit that 11am is a little early to be pounding your meat in public. It is interesting to note, however, that this is not your typical Meat Pounder in the News story. What concerns me is that this happened way back on July 20th, and now here we are, the day after everyone changed their Facebook profile pictures to the World Trade Centers. This is all it takes now to get your ass arrested? A picture of you sleeping and one so-called witness with no other evidence? Unless she or the MBTA has photos or video of this guy pounding his meat between stops or a collected swab of Dutch jism launch, there is no way they get these charges to stick. Sure, pun intended. Before I can make any determinations of guilt or innocence, I would like to review said video to see, a.) how hot this chick is, because there may be no bigger compliment paid to a woman than “I simply cannot wait to get home to jerk off to you so I am going to do it right here and right now”, and b.) I would like to observe her behavior as she exits the train, in terms of did she run for her and her pussy’s life, or did she simply walk away? For now, we will just have to wait until the cops capture him after releasing this APB (Alleged Pound Bulletin.) Do stay tuned.

Meat Pounder In The News!

"Christian Hobbs, Meat Pounder"

 

SALEM, N.H. (AP) — Police in Salem, N.H., say a man who did maintenance work on a woman’s trailer is accused of cutting holes in a bathroom floor and installing baby monitors to secretly record her. Police arrested 44-year-old Christian Hobbs of Orleans, Mass., on multiple charges Wednesday. They said the woman noticed movement in the trailer’s air duct saw Hobbs looking up at her. Police said Hobbs had sold the woman the trailer a couple of years ago. He did work on it two weeks ago. Police claim Hobbs admitted to crawling under the trailer with power bars, drinks and tissue and stayed for nearly two days, watching the victim and videotaping her in varying states of undress; he allegedly had 16 short clips on his cell phone. An investigation showed baby monitors were hooked up in the bedroom and in a dryer duct. It wasn’t immediately known if Hobbs had a lawyer.

Wowie. Well, what else can you say? Christian Hobbs of Orleans, you Sir, are a Meat Pounder. What’s the old saying? “When the going gets tough, the tough crawl through the aluminum air ducts in your camper to videotape your beaver?” If nothing else, at least Christian executed his plan with Boy Scout-like precision and came prepared for his meat pounding marathon. “Power Bars for energy and stamina? Check. Drinks for additional nutrients and to stay hydrated? Check. Tissues to cover my tracks and wipe up endless amounts of jism launch from the vents? Check.” This guy army crawled through cobwebs, dust and other shit smelling foulness I can’t even imagine, all for a two-day peekaboo at some pussy. I guess you could say he’s like the Andy Dufresne of jerking off.

Meat Pounder In The News!

 

"Welcome to Blue Hills Reservation, Take Your Pants Off!"

 

Boston, MA – A Randolph man was arrested for numerous charges, including indecent exposure, at the Blue Hills Reservation in Milton on Saturday evening, State Police said. State Police found the man after a good Samaritan, visiting the area known as “The Overlook” with his girlfriend and two small children, reported seeing a naked man engaging in lewd activities in his vehicle. The man was identified as 55-year-old Walter V. Pimental. He was arrested on seven charges, which also included a fifth OUI offense and operating a vehicle with a revoked license as a habitual traffic offender, State Police said. Pimental faces arraignment today in Quincy District Court.

Well, well, well. Ladies and gentlemen, we got ourselves another Meat Pounder. Yep. There was a good Samaritan with his family, just minding their own business during a wonderful sightsee. But before they could relax and grab a scenic seat, there was Walter V. Pimental just pounding his meat. Don’t go back and re-read that, yes, I intentionally made it rhyme. I’m not really sure what ol’ Wally was thinking, getting after it in such a high foot traffic location. I could maybe see pounding your meat behind a waterfall in Maui. That I get. That’s classic bucket list material. But you know your pound knows no bounds and you’re a serial meat pounder when you have five OUI’s, a revoked license, then you get shitfaced and think to yourself “You know what? I know I promised my probation officer that I would just drink at home and jerk off to Anderson Cooper, but I’m going to risk it all up in the woods and see if any families are into it.”

Unfortunately, these are trying times in today’s America. I’m typically against changing policy and legislation, however, we may have no choice but to allow law enforcement officials to alter the Miranda rights as each unique situation presents itself. For example, this may have been the perfect opportunity to go off script: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can be held against you in a court of law. Before you consider pleading not guilty, please keep in mind that our dashboard camera recorded you pounding your meat at The Overlook. When we opened your door, you came rolling out with a pathetic erection, a jar of grape jam, and a poster of a topless Mario Lopez which will be viewed by a courtroom full of people, including a jury of your peers who will have been instructed not to giggle. You have the right to an attorney, the quality of which may be questionable because who would agree to take on a case about a drunk, middle-aged man pounding his meat in the hills of Milton? If you cannot afford an attorney, an even lesser qualified public defender will be appointed to you, and that attorney will no doubt question the choices he or she have made that led them to this very moment where they have to defend a serial jerkoff artist. If you would rather be killed before all of this goes public, please just make a motion towards my sidearm.”

Would You Let Your Daughter Pet A Goat At Sturbridge Village Without First Doing A Background Check On the Guy Managing The Goat Yard?

 

 

Living Social Deal: Old Sturbridge Village!

The next time your phone rings, vibrates, or chirps, you swear you’re going to flush it. Return to simpler times with today’s deal. Pay $12 for a general daytime admission ticket to Old Sturbridge Village (regularly $24). As New England’s largest living history museum, this village situated off of the Mass Pike portrays daily life as it was from 1790 to 1840, complete with authentically costumed staff and a working 200-acre farm with heritage-breed farm animals including sheep, pigs, chickens, cows, oxen, and baby lambs and calves. Ride the stagecoach, stroll through heirloom gardens, and see the printer, potter, blacksmith, shoemaker, and farmers at work. You can also watch daily hearth-cooking demonstrations and explore three water-powered mills and 40 antique buildings — including a school, cooper shop, and sawmill. Turn off your Bluetooth and listen for the thump of the hammer and hoe — and the ka-ching of sweet savings.

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Boston, MA – Ahhhhh, Sturbridge Village. Close your eyes and let the sounds and smells of Yesteryear wash over you. What a wonderful place to teach children about the Puritans, or the Pilgrims, or whoever, while the unmistakable stench of ripe horse dung wafts to and fro throughout the day. You can just imagine the joy on your children’s bobbing faces when they’re topping out at 4mph in a suspension-less Stagecoach, all the while receiving video messages from their friends going 120mph on the Screaming Viking at Six Flags. For just $12, LivingSocial Deals and Sturbridge Village cordially invite you to be the Father your children will grow to hate! “Oh! Kids, what’s this over here? Who wants to see plants growing at…drumroll! prrrrrrrrrrrrr…The Heirloom Gardens?! Holla if you want to see cabbage being harvested! If you’re good and hold still for some pictures with the level 2 sex offender disguised as a farmhand, I promise to get you some watery cider and dry biscuits! Then it’s off to the printer, the potter, the cobbler and the blacksmith we go! You’re really going to enjoy that trip down History Book Lane because those are jobs we’ve since outsourced to China! We’re having so much fun I almost completely forgot about the humidity and my chafed asshole! Goodness Gracious, let this be the day that never ends!”

LivingSocial Deals, are you dicking me with a $12 coupon to Sturbridge Village? Close it and use the land to build something useful, like a golf course, or yet another Home Depot and CVS farm.

(Here is the picture that came with the “deal.”)

"I have a secret goat you can pet behind the barn"

p.s. Look at this girl just giving this guy the ol’ stink eye. Good for you, kid. Trust no one. Anyone accepting minimum wage to wear an outfit like that is clearly hiding something.

Exciting News From Your Pals at Wicked Improper!

Boston, MA – There has been much ado about our invention, the MotherSucker(tm), a synthetic robot head that not only blows you while you shower, but also has the intelligence and decency not to speak to you when you’re finished. Well, we received a few emails from interested parties, however, one of our legal spanish readers told us he has a condition that prevents him from enjoying receiving oral in the shower. Believe it or not, and you can Google this, the Mexican medical term for it is “Aguablowjaphobia.” So, we began tinkering and also decided to offer a USB version, just in case pounding your meat in front of a computer is one of your faves. Also, don’t think we’re not talking about a universal car adapter. Without going into details, who wouldn’t like to have the MotherSucker(tm) in their glove compartment while you’re 70 cars deep at the Hampton tolls?

Like a real, live woman, the MotherSucker was born to either swallow or accept facials (it’s one or the other, girls) and I think most of us would agree that’s what makes women so beautiful. For those of you that don’t really care if you remain employed, please watch the MotherSucker in action and take special note of her life-like suction control. Yippee Kai Yay, MotherSucker.

(The following is a dramatization)

 

This F8cker Should Die Immediat – Oh – Wait – He’s Dead Already? Perfect. Readers’ Advisory: Unpleasant Content

Instant Death

 

CBS/AP – Authorities say a Texas father who beat to death a man who allegedly tried molesting his 5-year-old daughter will not be charged.  Officials said the Lavaca County grand jury met Tuesday and declined to return an indictment against the father in the death of 47-year-old Jesus Mora Flores.  The attack happened on the family’s ranch between the farming towns of Shiner and Yoakum. Investigators said the 23-year-old father ran toward his daughter’s screams, pulled Flores off his child and beat him with his hands. 

 Emergency crews found Flores’ pants and underwear pulled down on his lifeless body when they responded to the 911 call. The girl was taken to a hospital and examined.  Authorities say forensic evidence and witness accounts corroborated the father’s story that his daughter was being sexually molested.

 

This is kind of a two-fer, because the obvious story for most of us ends with “The dude’s not getting prosecuted for killing some child rapist caught in the act.  Good.  Saves us hearing some Gloria-Allred-ambulance-chasing-vampire wail on and on about how this f-ing creeper was the victim.”

But in case you think that everyone’s on the same f-ing page here – that study after study suggests that adult pedophiles are NEVER cured of their urges, that this killing may actually have saved others from harm (not to mention saving years of public funds spent rehabbing this f-er), that the world is now a better place – I want you to read how Time Magazine’s PARENTING BLOGGER Bonnie Rochman viewed the situation:

 

Time:  …Indeed, in such a horrific and unimaginable moment, it’s easy to believe that many parents would have reacted similarly. I couldn’t see myself having any semblance of self-control. But I wonder about the AP’s conclusion that the father was “authorized to use deadly force to protect his daughter.” One blow probably would have been sufficient to separate the alleged predator from the girl. But the dad pummeled Flores to death. That degree of force was likely unnecessary — but neither investigators, the grand jury nor the general public could muster up much sympathy for Flores… 

 

“Muster up much sypmathy for” the rapist?  Oh my non-existent christ.  This monster was caught with his pants down, literally, and all this douchebag extraordinaire, Seattle-based, former Boston Globe writer can lament is that her fellow tofu-brained media types couldn’t sway public opinion in favor of the rapist.  Appalling, but this is who is spoon feeding us news on a f*cking daily basis.  God damn it.

“I’ll Have Another” Scratched From The Triple Crown At The Belmont Stakes After Pulling A Groin Muscle While Trying To Blow Himself In The Stables

"Hey Doc, Don't Tell Anyone I Was Trying To Reach My Own Dick, Okay?"

 

Boston, MA – This just in! The sporting world has literally just been rocked to its’ core when “I’ll Have Another”, the favorite to win the first Triple Crown in 40 years at the Belmont Stakes, pulled his ball muscles, groin, and obliques this morning while trying to blow himself in the stables. And here I was all this time, thinking that when you have a thoroughbred of this pedigree, there would just be a long line of mares traipsing all over the joint, waving their pussies around and blowing him through a gate. Good for him for trying to reach it himself, though, as none of us have any idea how one of those female or bi-curious horses would give oral with those big choppers. This way was better for him, I just feel bad that he couldn’t reach.

Anyway, this blow (sure, pun intended) to horse-racing is oddly reminiscient of the time I had a huge payout coming for a wager I laid down on Big Brown 5 years ago. I was already being congratulated by my friends when Big Brown, also attempting to complete the Triple Crown, blew a tire on the back stretch, and to this day I’m not even sure if that fucking asshole finished the race.

Probably the only way for me to take solace in losing that $60 is to think about all the people that paid outrageous prices for flights, hotels, and tickets to the Belmont Stakes and are probably getting shitfaced right now with no idea the historic event they were going to see will now have all the excitment and importance of seeing Swifty at Wonderland.

Pwned.