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Here Are Some Cannons That The United Nations Doesn’t Mind At All

 

If I had one wish, it'd be worldwide peace. If I had two, it'd be worldwide peace and boobs.

 

Beltway Pundit:  The United Nations Twitter account has 1,462,872 followers.  In return, the UN follows 537 accounts – mostly foreign UN special missions, dignitaries and international heads of states.  However, buried in the list ConstitutionSchool.com discovered one account which seemed oddly out of place: “Penelope Black Diamond.”

 

Penelope!  For the record, there are something around 200 million active twitter accounts.  The UN has chosen to follow less than 1000 of those guys.  (disclaimer:  For some f*cking inexplicable reason, Wicked Improper is not currently one of them.)  That why you pay the UN the big bucks:  to make the tough decisions so they’re not wasting their time on bullshit.

 

As you can see, the UN is very, VERY discriminating when choosing who(m?) to follow

So, WTF, Are We At War With North Korea Or What?

'Cause he's fat... Get it?

 

APNorth Korea vowed on Thursday to launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike against the United States, amplifying its threatening rhetoric hours ahead of a vote by U.N. diplomats on whether to level new sanctions against Pyongyang for its recent nuclear test.

An unidentified spokesman for Pyongyang’s Foreign Ministry said the North will exercise its right for “a preemptive nuclear attack to destroy the strongholds of the aggressors” because Washington is pushing to start a nuclear war against the North.

First this pound cake tells Hilary Rodham Clinton and John Kerry to go fly a kite but invites DENNIS RODMAN to chill at his crib, and now he’s vowing to nuke us?  We’re at war then, right?  Or is this one of those rules of engagement things where we have to sit back and let him bomb San Francisco before we actually get to rain down hellfire on his royal palace?  (Which, spoiler, will be surrounded by thousands of North Korean 8-year-olds and the entire MSNBC “reporting” core.)

 

Oh and he starves his people

 

A Sid & Marty Kroft Production!

 

Monday Dickhead, aka “Most Patient Man In America,” Arrested For Finally Losing His Cool And Killing His Wife

 

"Hahaha! I'm free!!! Wait a sec. Why am I still awake?"

 

CBS:  A 93-year-old Kansas City man has been charged with killing his 95-year-old wife in what investigators are calling a homicide and attempted suicide.  Police have not said how Grace Irwin died. Paramedics who were called to the couple’s home around 6:30 a.m. Wednesday found her in bed, with blood on her head.

A paramedic told police Harry Irwin was unresponsive in a chair, with blood on his shirt and arms. The paramedic says Irwin regained consciousness and said he had killed his wife and himself, then asked, “Why am I awake?” 

According to The Kansas City Star, court records state that Harry Irwin – who was married for 70 years to Grace Irwin – [said] he killed his wife because “she was arguing and screaming at him all night and he couldn’t take it anymore.”

 

Well, Harry, you’re awake because you’re a f-ing idiot when it comes to hari kari.  I guess if there’s one thing Grace was right about, it’s that you’re a lazy son of a bitch who doesn’t follow through on his responsibilities.  She might have been a nag for SEVEN DECADES, but that doesn’t mean she was wrong about you, you good for nothing bastard you.

 

 

Photograph Of The Day

A Poignant, Private Photo Of Ravens' Ray Lewis Not Stabbing Broncos' Peyton Manning, AND of Manning, Who's Uncharacteristically Not Throwing An Interception To Lewis

 

The Papers (capped?) are calling this a private moment between two NFL greats.  “Private?”  I can literally smell their agents’ Drakaar wafting in the shot from off camera.  They look like they’re standing on x’s taped on the locker room floor, thinking “Yeah, I’ve got a couple groupies in the back waiting for a celebratory handy, can we wrap this up?!”

 

 

Meat Pounder In The News!

 

"Welcome to Blue Hills Reservation, Take Your Pants Off!"

 

Boston, MA – A Randolph man was arrested for numerous charges, including indecent exposure, at the Blue Hills Reservation in Milton on Saturday evening, State Police said. State Police found the man after a good Samaritan, visiting the area known as “The Overlook” with his girlfriend and two small children, reported seeing a naked man engaging in lewd activities in his vehicle. The man was identified as 55-year-old Walter V. Pimental. He was arrested on seven charges, which also included a fifth OUI offense and operating a vehicle with a revoked license as a habitual traffic offender, State Police said. Pimental faces arraignment today in Quincy District Court.

Well, well, well. Ladies and gentlemen, we got ourselves another Meat Pounder. Yep. There was a good Samaritan with his family, just minding their own business during a wonderful sightsee. But before they could relax and grab a scenic seat, there was Walter V. Pimental just pounding his meat. Don’t go back and re-read that, yes, I intentionally made it rhyme. I’m not really sure what ol’ Wally was thinking, getting after it in such a high foot traffic location. I could maybe see pounding your meat behind a waterfall in Maui. That I get. That’s classic bucket list material. But you know your pound knows no bounds and you’re a serial meat pounder when you have five OUI’s, a revoked license, then you get shitfaced and think to yourself “You know what? I know I promised my probation officer that I would just drink at home and jerk off to Anderson Cooper, but I’m going to risk it all up in the woods and see if any families are into it.”

Unfortunately, these are trying times in today’s America. I’m typically against changing policy and legislation, however, we may have no choice but to allow law enforcement officials to alter the Miranda rights as each unique situation presents itself. For example, this may have been the perfect opportunity to go off script: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can be held against you in a court of law. Before you consider pleading not guilty, please keep in mind that our dashboard camera recorded you pounding your meat at The Overlook. When we opened your door, you came rolling out with a pathetic erection, a jar of grape jam, and a poster of a topless Mario Lopez which will be viewed by a courtroom full of people, including a jury of your peers who will have been instructed not to giggle. You have the right to an attorney, the quality of which may be questionable because who would agree to take on a case about a drunk, middle-aged man pounding his meat in the hills of Milton? If you cannot afford an attorney, an even lesser qualified public defender will be appointed to you, and that attorney will no doubt question the choices he or she have made that led them to this very moment where they have to defend a serial jerkoff artist. If you would rather be killed before all of this goes public, please just make a motion towards my sidearm.”

Best Served Cold: Dude Settles Score With Bully After 50 Years

 

It's A Wonderful Life, kids!

 

Detroit Free Press:  The 72-year-old man gunned down by a former high school classmate  in January over a 50-year grudge was a loving grandfather and respected by coworkers and the community.  Norman Johnson was shot and killed at his doorstep by Carl V. Ericsson, 73, on Jan. 31. On Friday, Ericsson was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

The sentencing brings some closure to a brutal killing sparked years ago by a sports incident when the two were in high school, in which a jockstrap was pulled over Ericsson’s head.

“I can’t blame you for being jealous of Dad,” testified Beth Ribstein, Johnson’s daughter. “In high school, he was popular, he was athletic, he dated Mom. They had 52 wonderful years together. He had two daughters that adored him, four grandchildren that worshiped him. Over 600 people attended his funeral.”

 

I’m firmly in the camp of those who say that kids who are bullied need to leave that sh1t in high school and simply move on as best as you can.  Comfort yourself by knowing that your tormentors’ best days are likely behind them while you’re cashing your stock dividend from the the I/T company you started in your basement.  You made it!  Don’t wallow in sorrow and self pity.  Rejoice!

But.  Is Beth f*cking kidding me with the whole jealousy thing?  “Popular?”  “Athletic?”  “Dated [ed. note: lol] mom?”  Carl wasn’t jealous of Norman because he f-ed a lot of chicks in high school (spoiler alert for Beth).  Carl simply wanted to kill Norman.  This is a classic Back to the Future alternate reality playing out, only in this one, Biff/Norman has his way with George’s/Carl’s would-be love interest in his late model Chevy, they beget Beth and a bunch of other Perfect Johnsons, and George/Carl lives a depressing, solitary life sprinkled with regret and garnished with failure.  Once Carl realized he was running out of time and his imaginary friend Doc STILL hadn’t perfected the time machine, he had to take matters into his own hands.

No movie script here, film fans.  Just a classic case of being unable to f*ck with the space/time continuum.

The Occupy Movement Forces Red To Cast A Vote In Its General Direction

Groom's Diary, Day 1: Kill me

 

NY Daily News:  Newlyweds Tim and Beth Alberts were posing for pictures on their big day Saturday when they were interrupted by thousands of anti-NATO, anti-war protesters walking through Daley Plaza in downtown Chicago.  The bride, looking stunning in her white gown and veil, appears horrified instead of joyful as the pair is caught in the middle of the mob.

 

Sorry, but, lol.  If there was ever a better reminder that weddings are a waste of time nothing more than one day parties, this is it.  Tim, you better get used to disappointment.  And Beth, pull your stick out of your ass.  If you want to get married in downtown Chicago on any day of the week, let alone on the day NATO’s coming to town, you’d better expect that a throng of piss stained dirty malcontents are going to ruin “Your Day” (capped).

 

ps:  Tim, can’t wait to see what the “other woman” looks like!

 

A keeper (?)

 

Why Are 9/11 Suspects Still Alive?

 

"Let's Kill This Guy Already"

 

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba (CNN) — Silence and the odd outburst from accused 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four others turned an arraignment that could have lasted minutes into a 13-hour court session at Guantanamo Bay on Saturday. Mohammed and the others — Walid Muhammad Salih, Mubarak bin ‘Attash, Ramzi Binalshibh, Ali Abdul Aziz Ali, and Mustafa Ahmed Adam al Hawsawi — appeared to work together to defy the judge’s instruction, refusing to speak or cooperate with courtroom protocol. Toward the end of the day, he took off his shirt while his attorney was describing injuries she alleged he sustained while in custody. At one point, bin ‘Attash made a paper airplane and placed it on top of a microphone. It was removed after a translator complained about the sound the paper made against the microphone.

First of all, why would the judge even waste his time trying to pronounce those names? Just say “bring out those four assholes.” Second, have I been asleep for 11 years? WTF is going on at Guantanamo Bay? These guys are still alive? Leave it to a defense attorney representing the worst mass murderers in the history of the world (besides Hitler, Genghis Khan, Edi Amin, and Cobra Command from G.I. Joe) to bring up the fact her client sustained injuries while in custody. Oh, the horror. Then, this guy had his hands free long enough during session to manufacture a paper airplane? A PAPER AIRPLANE? Immediate death! Immediate!

Now, for the life of me, I honestly don’t remember where I was on 9/11, but I do recall seeing some of the footage and it was very bad. Please cast your vote for an immediate Death Penalty when the evidence is kinda sorta obvious.

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Dude Occupies A Cave, Pretends He’s On His Own

 

"I fashioned these money-free glasses out of a rock and some condor sh1t."

Good Morning America (and everywhere else):  Daniel Suelo is 51 years old and …does he not have debt, a mortgage or rent, he does not earn a salary. Nor does he buy food or clothes. Home is a cave on public land outside Moab, Utah. He scavenges for food from the garbage or off the land. He bathes, without soap, in the creek.

In the fall of 2000, Suelo (who changed his name from Shellabarger), decided to stop using money altogether. His mission was to “use only what is freely given or discarded and what is already present and already running,” he wrote on his web site, Zero Currency.

Suelo wasn’t always a modern-day caveman. He went to the University of Colorado and studied anthropology, at one point considering medical school.

 

FUUUUUUUUUUCK Daniel Shellabarger.  F*CK him.  This guy says he doesn’t use money.  Which is cool, do what you want.  But don’t say that lack of money’s making you “more honest.”  Are you wearing homespun cotton robes like Ghandi?  No, you’re wearing clothes and a hat that were made by profit-making manufacturers.  Just because you didn’t buy them with money doesn’t mean that money didn’t contribute to their existence.  Ditto your fing website.  Are you intuiting your thoughts onto the gd web through a connection of brain waves?  No.  You’re sitting at a computer (made by a “company,” gasp!) in your local Free Library (paid for, with money, by f-ing citizens of Moab or where ever), banging out masturbatory drivel (just like Martin and Red) that’s carried through high tech systems (Big profit making ventures) all over the world.

The biggest lol is that this kid went to CU and was “at one point considering medical school.”  Guess what, living in the Peoples’ Republic of Boulder takes money.  And I can guarantee you two things about every silver-spooned idealist who went through those very expensive doors:  At one point or another,  between bong rips and mushroom raves (no judgment), every single one of them 1) contemplated medical school and 2) thought they were Siddhartha.

Live Update From The Boston Marathon

Boston, MA – Here is another reason why you shouldn’t run the Boston marathon today unless you are an elite runner. You spent months training to intentionally put yourself through Hell for the next 4 to 12 hours, and your friend, who will spend the day whining about “being on her feet all day” and her “gross underboob sweat”, holds a sign to motivate you while wearing a t-shirt that symbolizes her love for snack cakes. She woke up this morning and must have been torn between the vented Nike wicking material shirt, and the other one that says she’s Best Friends Forever with Little fucking Debbie. Imagine you’re right around mile 12, with your brain teetering on the brink of madness. A feeling of calm washes over you as you finally see your friends that promised they’d be there, cheering you on for the ground you’ve already covered and the long road that still lies ahead. They promise they’ll help you replenish your electrolytes, and then you see this asshole looming on the horizon, the corners of her mouth caked with donut powder, trying to offer you a caramel mochiatto and a chocolate-covered Swiss Roll. Believe me, the onlookers will completely understand if you blurt out “not really a good time for desserts, cunt.”

 

"We want to hear all about your marathon after we get something to eat!"

Amanda Clayton: Everyman, 2012

"Is there anything else we can get you, Ms. Clayton?"

Click on Detroit:    This fall, 24-year-old Amanda Clayton won $1 million from the Michigan State Lottery. Sure, someone else getting handed a huge check might make some a little jealous, but many were outraged at Clayton’s winnings, as she was still using a [state financial assistance] Bridge card.

Hidden cameras followed Clayton grocery shopping, where she admitted she uses a Bridge card to pay for her items. She said she gets $200 each month, from taxpayers, to foot her food bill. 

When confronted, Clayton said she didn’t think she was doing anything wrong.  “I thought that they would cut me off, but since they didn’t, I thought maybe it was okay because I’m not working,” she said.  “I feel that it’s okay because I mean, I have no income and I have bills to pay,” she said. “I have two houses.”

Clayton said she will keep using her Bridge card until the state cuts her off. She said it’s because she deserves it.  “It’s just hard, you know. I’m struggling,” she said.

lol!  You’re going to think that your ol’ Uncle Red is going to vilify poor Ms. Clayton for taking advantage of a broken system.  Nope.  “Because I mean,” she is doing that, but in this case, I’m not blaming her.  The gd system is set up to create drones like this idiot, and millions like her, who have no notion of personal responsibility or even a sense of pride.

And who’s fault is that?  Her’s, for going on the dole?  Or ours for creating in our population a gigantic sense of entitlement?  I’m all for setting up a safety net, but we now have a system that offers incentives to people on the margin to NOT WORK.  She’s just a pathetic, natural product of our gimme state.  Don’t want to pay undeserving a-holes who are out of work $200 a week for food?  Stop f*cking paying them.

 

Are You “Working” Today?

"You know you looked right at them."

 

Boston, MA – Good morning! It’s my pleasure to bring you this blog today from my desk at work where my company is open for business because it’s run by dickheads. Every other person I know that’s alive has the day off today. Actually, the dead ones all have it off, too, although there’s probably a couple of them putting in hard labor in Hell. Hell has to be worse than everyone makes it out to be, because I could shovel coal in a really hot environment all day. After a couple of weeks, you’d be used to the heat, and your body would be ripped from all of the burned calories. So, someone is going to have to give us some kind of an update on what new torture tactics they’re employing down there, because I’m starting to be less and less afraid of going. I’m actually more afraid of going to prison than I am of Hell. In prison, you end up being somebody’s girlfriend and have nightly dreams that you’re free and flying a kite, even though you wake up the next morning with your cellmates’ privates in your mouth. I mean, you wake up all groggy, rubbing your eyes going “Spiderman? Is that you?” but it’s really that guy lowering himself down from the top bunk about to get his teabag on. Even if you say “In observation of President’s Day, my mouth and I would like to request the day off”, he’s going to reply with “Sorry, there are no days off.” As you know, there aren’t enough Tic-Tac’s in the world that will make you forget about that taste.

 

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Monday’s Dickhead

Boston, MA – Good morning, right? Well, not really, because it’s time to give you the real State of the Union address. Look no further than today’s video for a sneak peek at the future of our country. Aptly titled “The Most Obnoxious Kid of All Time”, the video serves as a grim representation of the next generation: a bunch of entitled little pricks, talking about their iPods, their tans, and, probably the gym and their laundry, complaining about a delayed flight. I absolutely hate this kid, and, by association, his parents, who are doing a bang-up job of raising a whining pussy. Some of the kids I like take prescription medicine, like Ritalin, so they’re kinda chilled out and know when to STFU. I really wish the Pharmaceutical companies would do some market research on the benefits of medicating an entire generation of Americans. If the government would only team up with Big Medicine and require samples of mind controlling substances to be sent to all new families, a “try before you buy” if you will, I believe this country would be in a much better place, and a lot more kids would be shutting the fuck up. I also believe a great place to start would be with this little asshole.