Boston, MA – A couple of observations as I hesitantly accompanied the shopenomically gifted Mrs. Munson to the North Shore Mall this weekend:
1. You know that Autumn is just around the corner when the Milfs heartlessly begin wearing pullovers and hoodies. The best part of the mall-going experience includes, and may as well be limited to, staring at your breasts. (Note to Simon Malls: Turn down the god damn A/C. Come on!)
2. As a fully grown male adult (standing at 6 feet 1 inch), you will get kicked out of Gap Kids for trying on clothes and pretending to be a giant.
3. Always be aware of your surroundings. Like, really aware. We went to the Food Court and I tried to give a big “Fuck You” to Chick-Fil-A by making out with some rando guy in line, but then I realized I was at Au Bon Pain.
4. Prepare to be sorely disappointed if you go into a store called “Nordstrom’s Rack” and demanding the staff tell you where Mrs. Nordstrom is.
5. Speaking of Nordstrom’s, this preposterous shirt was $90.
"Pretty good selection if you're Stevie Wonder"
Anyway, let’s take time to reflect with some Monday Yum Yum’s. To be honest, I don’t want to live in a world where cleavage and exposed boobers are frowned upon. We’re all adults here. If you’re at work, and looking at heaving bosoms with light dew on them helps you jump start your morning, who are your bosses to say it’s wrong? It’s time to start a Breastolution. Don’t be afraid of them. Look right at them if you want to. Imagine. Viva La Breastolucion!
Boston, MA – At the risk of completely alienating our female audience, here is an awesome picture of gigantic breasts. Perhaps a few of our female audience members are gayers and would like this picture. Either way, whether you’re a straight male, or a gayer that goes to parties where other gayers stick their heads through holes cut in a card table specifically so you can play “Whack A Mole” with your rod, or a straight female, or a gayer female that likes to grind against another gayer females’ teeth so fast it’s like you’re trying to start a bushfire with flint, I think we can all agree this is what we mean when we say “Tightly Bound Awesome Boobers” (aka “T-BAB’s.”) It wouldn’t suprise me if no one even read these words, as your eyes are immediately drawn to those tremendous gravy bags. What is it about those, those, things, that makes us want to watch her spread warm, soapy suds all over them? You cannot deny there is something very magical about this particular pair of breasts. Or is the right word “mystical?” I’m not sure, but it’s almost like her cans are playing an invisible flute and they’re charming a snake to come out of that wicker basket in my pants.
(If anyone tells you this picture is not safe for work, you tell them “Safe for Work, Safe for Everywhere.” Women have every right to show off their awesome bodies, and as men that refuse to let chivalry die, it’s our job to stare at them and imagine them naked on the hood of my fully-loaded Camry.)
"If you want to tell people you're a model or actress, you go right ahead, sweet tits"
Boston, MA – That’s it, Boston, Winter is officially over and now it’s time to get back into peak bathing suit condition. Men, you’ll want to get those board shorts ready, the ones that for some reason don’t come with a liner so you rub against the wet material all day long and your crotch and asshole gets chafed and your helmet gets a raspberry on it. Women, don’t be one of those girls on the beach that are gross to look at, get into the gym TODAY (or tonight.) From time to time, Wicked Improper’s in-house training expert, Red, will give ladies free pointers on how to look like someone a guy would want to hog-bounce all over. We decided we should collaborate on the definitive diet plan for Women. Of course, we wanted to come up with a catchy name, kind of like they’ve done with “P90X” and “Insanity”, and yet, we wanted it to be unique and identifiable in what has quickly become a saturated marketplace. Some of the early ideas we were spitballing were “VagAsylum”, “AmpedPussy”, “ExcelleCunt”, “Quickclit”, “Beaverthrust”, and “CockramYoga.” We finally settled on a name that would not only drive the point of the workout and results across, but also be very simple to remember, and we call it “All Water No Food.” While you stick to your cardiovascular and weight training programs, all we ask is that you take nothing than other water into your system for 10 weeks. For more information about “All Water No Food”, please email Red or Martin @ wickedimproper.com. For just $10 a month, Members will be required to “check in” at all times via Facebook, and we’ll send you daily email reminders like “Remember to drink 14 gallons of water today” and “What the fuck are you doing at the Cheesecake Factory?” In return, you email us pictures of your progress.
(Disclaimer: Wicked Improper kinda not licensed to give advice on health. Wicked Improper not responsible if you feel overhydrated or develop a urinary tract infection from constantly urinating. Probably not a good idea to really stick to the “no food” part, but don’t abuse your freedom. Wicked Improper watches you on the beach, sometimes from up in the dunes.)
Boston, MA – On the eve of one of Hallmark’s greatest revenue generating Holiday’s, it’s time to think about the ones we love (and, like me, you’ll love the ones below.) The entire chocolate, flower and greetings card industry depend on this holiday every year, and they are certainly no strangers to price gouging. The only way it’s acceptable to pay $60 for a dozen roses over the phone and have someone else sign the card for you is if you have this conversation:
Clerk: “And what should I write on the card?”
You: “Tonight is the night I finally take your ass cherry.”
Clerk: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”
You: “I said, ‘TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT I FINALLY TAKE YOUR ASS CHERRY.’ Oh, and, ‘Love, Martin.’ Write it down and ship it.”
To show the flower industry that we’re not going to sit idly by while they inflate prices on a product that dies in three days, we are calling for a boycott on rose sales for the next 48 hours. If you buy roses for your wife or girlfriend (or your man friend if you’re a gayer) during our boycott, do not ever come back here.
(Valentine’s Disclaimer: Daisies are acceptable, not to mention wallet-friendly. Women don’t care what the flower is, they just want to tell the other squawking hens at the office that they got some. Wicked Improper not responsible if you take our advice and then experience a lengthy poontanna drought. Do not make the same mistake as Wicked Improper and substitute trail mix instead of chocolates.)
Boston, MA – Monday. Yum. Yum.
"Safe for work. Safe for everywhere."