This guys looks like a young Red at bedtime, INSISTING that no toes, fingers, arms or legs hang off the end/sides of the bed in case the monster under there could reach me.
Nature is out to kill us.
Nature is out to kill us.
Let the video of this brave young man give you goose pimples all over your body.
“We’re all going to die. We may as well do something with our lives that we enjoy.” – Martin Munson, currently sitting in a cube at some other guys’ company.
Feel free to discuss. I’m going to Starbucks.
Boston, MA – Ladies, this Holiday season, give your man the gift he has been waiting for his whole life: A threesome. Not with you and another dude that claims not to be Bi but doesn’t seem to mind bouncing dicks off each other, that’s gross, but with you and another chick, preferably a hot friend or your twin sister. Make his Christmas wish come true as you both kneel on the floor with your Santa hats and pass his dick back and forth like a relay race baton. The reason I bring this up (again) is because the closest I’ve come to having a threesome is getting blown by a woman who was cross-eyed. I know what you’re thinking. Did I cross my own eyes to make it look like two chicks were blowing me? Yes, but then I had to stop because I was afraid they would stick like that. Anyway, I’ve got 40 years left, maybe, and probably only 15 of those are going to be any good for my dick. Mrs. Munson, time is running out!
BEIJING (AP) — The world’s tallest woman has died in eastern China. She was 39. Chinese state media say Yao Defen died on Nov. 13 at her home in China’s eastern province of Anhui. Guinness World Records in January 2010 had certified her as the world’s tallest living woman at 7 feet and 7 inches (233.3 centimeters). The local Xin’an Evening News did not give the cause of death but said in a report that Yao suffered from gigantism, with a tumor on her pituitary gland disrupting her levels of growth hormone. A government official in her county who gave only his surname, Liu, confirmed Yao’s death on Wednesday. The Xin’an newspaper said Yao learned to play basketball when young, and that she was 6 feet and 7 inches (200 centimeters) tall by the age of 15. In a Chinese-language video from three years ago, Yao expressed anguish at her unusual height. ‘‘I am very unhappy. Why am I this tall?’’ she said from her bed. ‘‘If I were not this tall, others would not look at me like this.’
Boston, MA – Jesus. Fucking. Christ. You feel sorry for the husband and his loss, but to be honest, how was that little dude ever supposed to give Yao an orgasm? He must have had to work up a temper and throw combinations at her pussy like it was a heavy bag. With all due respect to the deceased, that little fella’s tongue couldn’t have really hit the magic spot too often on a clit the size of a fire hydrant. What do you suppose this guy is packing for trouser meat anyway? Let’s just go way over the top (or the Wicked Improper blogger average) and say he has a 9 inch dick. That would be like throwing the proverbial “teriyaki stick down the rice paddy.” I feel bad for her in that way. You have to imagine she spent some lonely nights, fantasizing about getting romanced and railed by the one man who everyone knows carries a 62 pound asparagus spear for a dick, the Jolly Green Giant. I know everyone thinks death is sad, but just look at her last sentence. She died doing what she loved: eternally complaining about her height. RIP Yao. You did not want to be looked a differently, but we had no choice because you were so different from everyone else.
Boston, MA – Well, that’s the last time I listen to the Wicked Improper Live Doppler. That shit was real. That storm tracker could not have been more accurate. When the system originally began gathering energy off the coast of Somalia, the novice meteorologist in me was like “no fucking way is this shit going to reach Massachusetts.” It honestly felt like it was a continent away. And then it was off, just like a Beach Boys song, through Bermuda and Jamaica, and a few other places I’d like to take ya. It even paused to sprinkle a little jism into Castro’s beard in Cuba, then skirted around Florida to gather up enough speed to violently ram all 10 inches of its’ dick into the vagina of New York City. Raw. No lube, no steak tip dinner, no Maroon 5 tickets or anything. Subways flooded. Hospitals closing. Generators failing. Just think about that conversation with a patient.
Nurse: “We have good news and bad news.”
Patient: “Bad news? Motherfucker, I’m already on a ventilator. What could be more bad than that?”
Nurse: “Well, you know how when the power goes out, the Hospital has a bank of generators that allows us to keep all of the machines, including your ventilator, completely operational?”
Nurse: “Well, they are not working. Like many of the patients in Intensive Care, the generators have literally shit the bed. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”
Patient: “No, no. That was pretty good. So, what’s the good news?”
Nurse: “You’re first on the list to get your last rites!” (blows into noisemaker and tosses a small handful of confetti)
Fortunately for me, the hardest part of the storm was having to ‘weather’ every asshole saying “At least it’s not the white stuff!” Let that weather pun wash all over you. Ahh, there it is. Yeahhhhhh.
Boston, MA – Are you dicking me with this storm tracker? It looks like an octopus at a gay pride rally shooting a rainbow facial all over Cuba or whatever that is. I will bet you anything we will not feel a single raindrop in the Boston area. The panic propaganda machine known as our local news would have you believe you should “go stock up on milk and bread”, but guess what? In a couple of days, according to the Wicked Improper Live Doppler, it’s going to be “a little bit windy.” We’ll all still be at work. If you do buy into this bullshit and go out for milk and bread, maybe consider buying some other shit, too, unless you’re plan for survival is making epic servings of french toast. What would my survival plan entail? I would stock up on ribeyes, cabernet, and fully charge my iPad2 after filling it to the god damn brim with porn. Being prepared for any circumstance, such as inclimate weather, is just one of my core beliefs. So, over the next few days, as you hear a lot of assholes talk about how much fun it can be to lose power and read by candlelight and develop cataracts, remember it was your friend Martin who reminded you to stock up on the essentials. So, do yourself a favor and Google “asian raft massage” today and prepare your downloads in the very likely event that I am wrong about this storm.
One of my biggest fears, besides going to prison and having my cellmate try to force grapes into my hoop while I sleep, or being ripped apart by a bear and watching it eat me as I die, is being swept off the deck by a rogue wave on an intercontinental freighter and sinking to the bottom of the Atlantic without having my earplugs in. Omg, can you imagine the swimmers ear?
You do? So do I, and here it is.
(Spoiler: This kind of reminds me of the Vince Wilfork hit on Donald Jones below)
Boston, MA – By now, you probably know that Tom “The Chauffeur That Became A Mayor” Menino wants to ban Chick-Fil-A from opening locations within the city of Boston because Chick-Fil-A is against gay marriage. For some reason, they can’t fathom two men or two women being in love and doing whatever unmentionables may be going on behind closed doors, such as “The Marble Gargle” (two gay men teabagging each other at the same time) or “the Oil Rig” (two lesbians using a double-ender to simultaneously dill each other.) Whether you stand with the Mayor and the City of Boston by saying “Hey, we don’t want companies that don’t support gay marriage in our great City (but we will allow the Catholic Church to continue their money scam and shuffling pedophiles around)” or, you stand with Chick-Fil-A by saying “We don’t want no queers up in here (but we do want to continue the unnecessary and inhumane slaughter of millions of chickens)”, it’s time to make your decision.
Before you cast your vote, please keep in mind that Gay Rights activists set up “Kiss Day” demonstrations at Chick-Fil-A’s across this great nation, so please send your thoughts and prayers to those maintenance employees who are going to be VERY busy today mopping men’s rooms and repairing new glory holes.
Boston, MA – Did you watch it? I guess the most difficult thing about getting raped by a Polar Bear is when you’d give anything for one free moment to reach your keychain and turn off your car alarm. That had to be kind of embarrassing. The whole neighborhood must have been like “jesus fucking christ, either escape or die, but turn off that fucking horn. It’s Saturday!” The other thing, dare I mention it, is….drumroll….I would. With the chick, not the bear. She’s clearly a survivalist. She’s got a pretty ripped body and also has some Daddy issues (i.e. likes cum) which explains why she refuses to be separated from her pink woobie. And, she simultaneously survived two of my biggest fears in life: Getting eaten alive by a bear, and dying on someone’s hideous patio. Helloooo, got Rust-Oleum?
In closing, I was actually shocked this video took a violent turn when the Polar bear tried to rip off her panties and give her his arctic bone. All this time, thanks to the commercials, I thought it would be neat to go tobogganing and split a 6-pack of Coke with Polar Bears while shooting the shit about a couple of our sick runs, but as it turns out, they’re the horniest animals on the planet* and it would not surprise this ass-virgin’d blogger if they were bi-curious.
* – with all due respect to the 2 million bearded gayers that descend on Provincetown each year to quite literally fill the streets and sewers with a gabillion gallons of saved up loads. If you visit, do not drink the tap water, and bring your galoshes.
Boston, MA – Raining enough for ya? First it was “too hot”, then it was “too humid”, then it was “too cloudy”, now it’s “too wet”, then it was “OMG was that lightning?” and now it’s “there’s a tornado warning in Lynn.” (All things considered, if you have to pick a place to have a twister….) Anyway, Kevin Lemanowicz at Fox25 told us last night during his underpaid 29 hour shift that there would be thunderstorms, guys. This shouldn’t really come as a shock to anyone, and yes that was a fairly well-timed yet sophomoric pun about lightning. Probably the person that had the worst day, in terms of weather, is none other than yours truly. I went home around 1pm for a possible lunchtime j/o and found out I had no power. If there’s no power, there’s no Wifi, and if there’s no Wifi, there’s no Whackfi. I couldn’t even go off an awesome memory or pics of Joan Lloyd I have saved to my phone.
(Disclosure: This video is not exciting. Please come back tomorrow as I will be posting an entertaining video of someone getting eaten alive by a bear.)
Boston, MA – It would please me very much if no more dickheads would say “hot enough for ya?” today. If you have said that fucking phrase already once, or heaven forbid (no such place), more than once, that is it. You are finished with that one. You used it. Let some other dickhead take the power from you like that movie “Fallen” with Denzel Washington. We get it. It’s 100 degrees out. We all saw the forecast. I went outside at lunch, and in an effort to beat the heat, my asshole almost turned inside out. I don’t need you reminding me with 75% of the day over that it might be “hot enough for ya?” Yeah, it’s fuckin’ hot enough for me.
Boston, MA but more importantly, WASHINGTON—A Canadian amateur astronomer who discovered several asteroids has named one after gay rights pioneer Frank Kameny who died last year in Washington. Kameny was a U.S. government astronomer in the 1950s who was fired from his job for being gay. He contested the firing all the way to the Supreme Court and organized the first gay rights protests outside the White House in the 1960s. Kameny died last year at age 86. A published citation naming the asteroid this month notes Kameny’s history as a gay rights pioneer.
There’s clearly something missing from this story. How do you get fired for being gay from the astronomy lab? Did someone walk in and catch him up on a ladder with the business end of a telescope up his ass? Or worse, did someone not catch him doing that, then after they used the telescope they hit the restroom only to find a brown smelly ring around their eye? It’s just awful to imagine all of the scenarios.
While gay, lesbian, and transgendered weirdo rights are something that every American should continue to stand behind (sure, pun intended), Mr. Kameny should be commended for protesting outside the White House where many other famous protests have gathered to accomplish absolutely nothing.
With the paperwork being processed for this new asteroid that’s been tentatively titled “Frankkameny”, his former colleagues continue their snickering behind his dead back by doodling phallic-shaped planets going in and out of his bum and referring to his asteroid as “The Fagsteroid.”
Boston, MA – This just in! The sporting world has literally just been rocked to its’ core when “I’ll Have Another”, the favorite to win the first Triple Crown in 40 years at the Belmont Stakes, pulled his ball muscles, groin, and obliques this morning while trying to blow himself in the stables. And here I was all this time, thinking that when you have a thoroughbred of this pedigree, there would just be a long line of mares traipsing all over the joint, waving their pussies around and blowing him through a gate. Good for him for trying to reach it himself, though, as none of us have any idea how one of those female or bi-curious horses would give oral with those big choppers. This way was better for him, I just feel bad that he couldn’t reach.
Anyway, this blow (sure, pun intended) to horse-racing is oddly reminiscient of the time I had a huge payout coming for a wager I laid down on Big Brown 5 years ago. I was already being congratulated by my friends when Big Brown, also attempting to complete the Triple Crown, blew a tire on the back stretch, and to this day I’m not even sure if that fucking asshole finished the race.
Probably the only way for me to take solace in losing that $60 is to think about all the people that paid outrageous prices for flights, hotels, and tickets to the Belmont Stakes and are probably getting shitfaced right now with no idea the historic event they were going to see will now have all the excitment and importance of seeing Swifty at Wonderland.
Boston, MA – I’m ready to admit something you usually don’t hear from a man unless his favorite flavor in the whole wide world is a big fat juicy cock: I used to like cats. That is, until I got a dog, and now I don’t care if I ever see another cat again as long as I live, and that includes my own cat, Nipples. She’s slow, unresponsive, dopey, and fat, kind of like 75% of America. And, the only skill she has, if you can really call it that, is putting her leg behind her own ear and licking her teepee-shaped clit for hours on end. That’s not too strange when we have company over. “Oh, don’t mind Nipples, she’s just giving herself an hour-long bath in the one place on her body that makes her have wailing orgasms. Can I get you a beer, or…?”
Anyway, you have to respect a pet or zoo animal when they just take it out and start wanking off. Part of you wants to look away in shock and let them have their privacy, but the other part of you wants to giggle and watch them finish while you record it on your iPhone 4s. “Siri, record Oscar the Chimp beating his meat and text it to my entire contact list.” It’s times like that when you really don’t mind paying $90 a month for your smart phone.
The video you’re about to watch caught me completely off guard. I actually found myself rooting for Orville the Cat to take flight. Now, I don’t know if it was his sheer will and determination, or the fact that he’s dead and strapped to a remote control helicopter, but either way, dude pulls it off. You GO, Orville!
(Want more Orville The Remote Control Helicopter Flying Dead Cat? Click here)
Boston, MA – Is it just me, or does it almost feel like God and Mother Nature are double-teaming us with their dicks on this one? You can imagine God stuffing it in our mouths while high-fiving Mother Nature over our backs as she goes to town with a strap-on. “This is what they get for having a mild Winter” lol’d God, while M-Natty kindly spits on her plastic shaft just prior to entry. On one hand, some of the gayers in our audience probably have gumdrops for nipples thinking about that, but not me. I am feeling kind of blah about this whole thing.
Anyway, please take particular note of how Monday shows two raindrops, signifying the heaviest of all rain falls on the one day I’m playing a golf tournament.
Hope you enjoyed your weekend. Just a reminder that there are 13 weeks until Autumn.
Boston, MA – I apologize in advance if this has already been forwarded to you, but here’s a picture of my body hair in our bathroom sink. And, to squash rumors that this isn’t an authentic image, I made sure to include our cat, Nipples. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What part of the body is that hair from?” That’s the hair from just one of my pectorals. I have a long way to go. Now, I know what you’re thinking again: “Does he shave ‘down there?” The answer is “of course”, and you would too if it added anywhere from 6 to 7 inches in length.
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Boston, MA and Manitoba/Nowhere, Canada – There may be no worse obituary than “mauled to death by a bear while dropping a deuce”, and yet, that was almost the final chapter for Norm Shurvell of Winnipeg, which is down the street from Quebec, Edmonton and Prince Edward Island. There was Norm, just taking a healthy Springtime shit in his friends’ outhouse, and like a true, zero-manners Canadian, he left the door open because he “had a nice view.” Norm simply couldn’t wait until after his dump to take in the scenery. In a sense, even though it’s probably a bad analogy, he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too.
Anyway, just when you think the human race is advancing (iPhone 4s, iPad, Axe body spray, His and Hers lube from KY, etc.), here comes Norm and his gaggle of Canuck morons setting us back a few decades, reminding us that we’re really just animals that happened to pass a drivers license exam. In closing, literally, please shut the door when you’re making poopers. (If you’re disappointed because this video doesn’t show Norm the Idiot getting eaten alive, perhaps you’d like to slip into something a little more comfortable and watch video “number two.” Sure, pun intended.)
(Wicked Improper not responsible for loss of appetite, or desire to never visit a zoo again.)
For Sale: 6 year old female pug. Very friendly, gets along well with kids, enjoys limited amounts of fetching stuff, and has a wonderful sense of humor. There is just one catch. Well, two. She is wicked horny and is under the impression that she has a huge dick. This dog has been caught red-pawded trying to fuck various pieces of furniture in our house. It’s almost like she wants to get caught, she’s that naughty. Ideally, she would go to a home with a couch that knows how to keep a secret.
$300 or best offer. You can rename her if you’d like, but for now she answers to “Squirties.” Comes with chew toys and a mop to clean up after she’s finished with love-make.
Email martin or red @wickedimproper for more info. Follow Squirties on Twitter here!
(Click the Image to watch the SFW video)