1. I’m a really nice person when you get to know me.
Truth: No. She’s no Gwyneth Paltrow, but she’s still pretty stuck up and mean. But you would be too with the filth that is the paparazzi taking dumps in your garbage cans and whatnot.
2. I’m super happy since my divorce.
Truth: Emptier now than ever.
3. Angelina Who?
Truth: Hahaha!
***Bonus Lie***
4. I’m famous because of my acting.
***Bonus Truth*** Snicker. Victor Kyriakis got her “Friends,” and her glass cutters got her the rest of the way.
Boston, MA – It’s pretty evident that Squirties the Pug wants to do two things with her life: eat food and hump my comforter until she busts her non-existent nuts. If you need proof, look no further than our footage of her interraction with the rotund, asthma-riddled drama queen, Nipples the Cat. Here’s a Wicked Improper exclusive video of Nipples coughing and wheezing her tits off, and Squirties is just chilling like “Catta, please.” Now, you know we don’t like spoilers around here, but this video begins and ends with Squirties basically not giving a shit. If Squirties could talk (and I don’t think she ever will because when we’re in private I beg her to), I bet she’d tell Nipples to take a fuckin’ heaven hike so she could finally get some dick up in here. See, Mrs. Munson thinks we’re getting a male dog next, but if you think I’m going to crank the volume for “Breaking Bad” while Squirties howls the night away as she gets railed over my ottoman, you have another thing coming, whatever that means.
(Please do not email or comment about the health of Nipples. Squirties and I are vehemently against medicine, and the costs associated with them, and have agreed to simply give Nipples Temptation treat after Temptation treat to shut her the fuck up. We also have a Do Not Recussitate order, so please respect our wishes and privacy.)
Boston, MA – I received so many well wishes and condolences about Nipples the Cat yesterday that I wanted to let those three people know that she’s alive. She’s not well, but she’s alive. Enter into Exhibit A, this lazy pussy literally gets outhustled and outworked by an ant. There’s no audio, but the whole time I’m like “Are you going to kill that ant or what? Fucking kill it! You’re going to let an ant mock you by waving its’ ass in your face? Slap that shit with your paw, son!” Nothing. No reaction, just sitting there waiting for me to stop filming so she can lick and smash her bean like a stay at home mom watching Days of Our Lives. Like sand through the hourglass, this cat likes to clean her privates a lot.
(Apologies to the Asian Guy in our comments section that offered to serve Nipples the Cat on a Pu Pu Platter. Perhaps you should search the pet section on Craigslist.)
Exhibit B: This video basically shows Nipples the Cat behaving like an illegal alien. Why hunt and work for food when someone will just come along and fill your bowl? It would not surprise me if she made it to 18 years old just so she could vote Democrat. It took everything in my power not to say “vote Democat” there. Anyway, here’s Nipples the Cat, staunch Obama supporter, on the dole, eating and shitting wherever she wants. And if you think she would at least get some exercise on a scratching post, forget about it, my wife had her claws rrrrrrrrrrrrripped out so she wouldn’t fuck up our leather ottoman.
Boston, MA – It’s a sad day at Wicked Improper Headquarters. Nipples the Cat passed away last night at the age of 15. Probably the thing I will remember most about Nipples is how playful she was from ages 1 to 3, and then spent the remaining 12 years relaxing on the floor wherever the sun was coming through the window, purring, and having to pay the vet $250 every six months to have her infected anal glands popped. If you’ve never seen an infected anal glad, oh my goodness you haven’t lived. If you can close your eyes and picture a cats’ delicate pink asshole, just to the left or right of that, imagine a pulsing, gaping wound with the circumference of a tennis ball leaking all over the house. That was one good thing about Nipples. Thanks to the trail she left behind from dragging her itchy ass, you always knew just where to find her.
Your condolences are appreciated in the comments section, but it’s really your modest gift in the form of a cash donation that would speak volumes to your sincerety. To make a cash donation, or to ship me a new kitten in the mail that will help me forget about Nipples the Ass Leaking Black and White Mess, please email Martin or Red at wickedimproper.com.
