Maybe Wicked Improper should start awarding class credits…
Maybe Wicked Improper should start awarding class credits…
CBS: A Tennessee maintenance worker says he quit his job because his W-2 tax form was stamped with the number 666. Walter Slonopas says that accepting the number would have condemned his soul to hell. That number is considered the “mark of the beast” in the Bible’s Book of Revelation describing the apocalypse.
The company that handles payroll for Contech Casting LLC says the number meant Slonopas’ form was the 666th one mailed out. The 52-year-old Slonopas says he had trouble with the number before. He was supposed to be assigned No. 668 to use when he clocked in. Because of a mix-up, he was assigned 666. He complained and got a new number.
A company spokesman says Contech would send a new W-2 and wants to rehire Slonopas. But Slonopas says “God is worth more than money.”
Hahahaha! Listen Wally, I’ve got some bad f-ing news for you: As soon as you accept ANY W-2, you have condemned your soul to hell, you poor sorry bastard you. So quit your job if you want to hit the road like Jack Kerouac, but don’t come crying to me about being stalked by the beast, because we’re all in this shit together. Live on, my brother! Live on!
I am literally going to die in my cubicle.
Y News: An Applebee’s waitress who posted a receipt with a note from a pastor complaining about the automatic gratuity added to the bill on the Internet was fired on Wednesday after the pastor complained to her manager
because she was pissed that her non-tip went viral and now everybody knows what a f*cking c*nt she is.
Chelsea Welch, the waitress, wrote in an email to Yahoo News that the pastor (who has since been identified as Alois Bell) told Welch’s manager at the St. Louis-area Applebee’s that the ensuing firestorm had “ruined” her reputation.
I’m on record (not really) as saying that I f-ing hate it when restaurants add the tip for me. I should be able to decide the tip, not you, otherwise just put it in the price of the f-ing meal. Besides, it screws the waiter because I almost always drop 20%. The math is easy so fi,
although in retrospect maybe I should’ve taken tax out before calculating a tip on a $150 pork roast bill last week. But on the other hand, this pastor was in a party of 18 or something, and evidently they got separate checks, which is a major pain the balls, and nearly every restaurant is pretty clear on this practice. And to make matters worse, after stiffing the waitress (absolutely no double entendre here), the pastor’s pissed because it went viral and now everyone knows what a complete douchebag she is, and to make matters even worse (lol), she got the waitress fired. Hilarious.
What do you think? Personally, I think this so-called pastor is pocketing the 10% that’s allegedly going to “God” and that she is a grade-A gash.
Actually, fi, I’m not putting up a poll. I know people like to click buttons, but this is a slam dunk, Alois Bell is a horrible person, period.
It’s terrible. The end.
But here’s a Christmas carol from Robert Earl Keene to perk you up if you had some of that sh1t last night.
Merry Christmas everybody!
I’m off to give my local Santa a fifth of white whiskey whatever that is, and insy.
NBC sports anchor Bob Costas channeled his inner Edward R. Murrow and Howard Cosell during halftime of last night’s Sunday Night Football game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Dallas Cowboys, calling for stricter gun control in the wake of Saturday’s murder-suicide involving Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher.
‘In the coming days, Jovan Belcher’s actions and their possible connection to football will be analyzed. Who knows? But here, wrote Jason Whitlock, is what I believe. If Jovan Belcher didn’t possess a gun, he and Kasandra Perkins would both be alive today.”
Bob Costas thinks that, were it not for the fact that Jovan Belcher owned a gun, he and his girlfriend would be alive now. I’m not going to argue gun rights here. (But if he had any balls he’d just come out and say “We should ban all guns from existence and give Iran the list of gun owners in the United States.”) My question is, whatever happened to fucking (spelled out) personal responsibility? Here are a few details I’ve gleaned from various sources about this very sad story:
1. Jovan Belcher had money problems.
2. Jovan Belcher had a three-month old baby with his girlfriend.
3. Jovan Belcher drove a Rolls fing Royce.
4. Jovan Belcher spent some of the night before he murdered his significant (arguable) other getting drunk with another woman. Or women, hard to tell.
5. For at least part of the night before he became a murderer, Jovan Belcher slept in his Rolls Royce, parked outside this other woman’s house.
6. Jovan Belcher was paid approximately $1 million (pre tax, probably pre-vampire-agent) over the previous three years.
7. Jovan Belcher secured a $1.9 million (ptppva) contract to play for the Chiefs this year.
8. Chiefs management knew about some of JB’s problems before he murdered someone.
9. Jovan Belcher owned at least one and possibly a bunch of guns. (legally from what I understand)
All of those details, and Bobby “I ruined the Olympics for millions of fans” Costas decides that the most significant item is his ownership of guns? That reminds me of the times when a newspaper article says “An SUV today plowed into a bunch of nuns at a soup kitchen and killed them all.” Oh really? An SUV did that? No driver? No responsible human had anything to do with that?
I grew up in some pretty f-ed up fundamentally religious foreign countries. In one of those, if an expatriate got into a car accident with a foreign national, and it was the FN’s fault, the defense would be – and I’m not sh1tting you here – “The accident would never have happened if you weren’t living in our country. Case dismissed.” And then the expat would be deported back to the States or whatever country he* was from. Same deal when a young American girl was raped by a foreign national while I was there: “Oh, you shouldn’t have been here, then it wouldn’t have happened. Now get out of our country you dirty whore.”
When we excuse irresponsibility by foisting the blame onto inanimate objects or nebulous entities like “society” (or “god”), we wind up condoning decisions that lead to that behavior by implying that the people responsible for those actions are helpless to avoid them. But they’re not helpless, for chrissakes. A hundred (a thousand?) choices led him to that dark place, but we ignore those because it allows us to avoid more difficult questions.
Instead of excusing the behavior from your soapbox, Bob, why not challenge young men to step up: ”Be a f-ing man. Make choices that lead you to be proud of youself. Take responsibility for your decisions, even the wrong ones.”
*Women couldn’t drive there.
Top Hamas commander killed in Israeli airstrike…
‘OPENED GATES OF HELL’…
Target tied to Iran…
TEHRAN MOUNTS MASSIVE DRILLS…
Israel launches Operation Pillar of Cloud…
Recommends That No Hamas Operatives ‘Show Their Faces Above Ground’…
EGYPT THREATENS TO GET INVOLVED…
Hits 20 underground rocket sites in Gaza…
IDF ‘ready to initiate ground operation’…
Rockets explode in Israeli border town…
jc, according to the Drudge Report, it’s on
like Donkey Kong.
CBS New York: A deeply religious man in upstate New York who believes a church’s giant crucifix cured his wife of cancer had his own leg amputated after the same crucifix collapsed on top of him. The accident occurred when 45-year-old David Jimenez was cleaning the 600-pound crucifix, which was allegedly held up by a single screw. Jimenez has been a frequent visitor to the Church of St. Patrick in Newburgh, N.Y., where he made regular stops to pray for his wife, who is now cancer-free.
Kitson told the Digital Journal that Jimenez is planning to sue the church for $3 million after losing his leg, because he will not be able to return to his job at a pizza restaurant. The church has reportedly raised [Note from Red: Please prepare for a major lol] about $7,000 for Jimenez’s recovery effort so far.
Yih! No self respecting lawyer is going to let Davey settle for seven g’s when there is a lost leg in the mix, no no no. Matter of fact, I’m surprised that this vampire is setting the bar so low at $3 millionm, except that a lifetime of lost wages at a pizza joint probably doesn’t amount to all that much. Did he have permission to clean the crucifix? Did the gd 600 pound t-shaped rock, hanging by an almost literal thread, look wobbly at all? Was it even dirty?! Who cares to all of it! Sue those bastards!
Except guess what? No self respecting defense lawyer is going to ignore David’s religious nature. “Mr. Jimenez, you claim this rock carving – that happens to be chiseled into the shape of Jesus on a cross – is a miracle worker and literally (LITERALLY!) saved your wife’s life? Well then how can you question the motives of said crucifix when it decides to drop off its perch, where it’s been hanging safely for decades, and smash your leg to bits, huh? Does god work in mysterious ways, or doesn’t he? You can’t have it both ways, guy.” Case f-ing closed.
The Hill: Madonna offered a profanity-laced endorsement of President Obama at her concert Monday night, which involved the singer stripping down to her underwear to reveal the president’s name written on her body. “When Obama is in the White House for a second term I’ll take it all off,” she said to cheers and whistles from the audience.
Oh, no, sorry - it’s an endorsement. I honestly thought it was a threat, like Alec Baldwin’s unfillfilled promise to leave the country if Bush got a 2nd term. “If Obama’s elected, I’m going to force you to watch me and my hairy 60-year-old nipples writhe around onstage and sing Like A Virgin!”
I don’t think this is going to work as an incentive. Nobody wants to see that. Jesus. I’d rather spend the afternoon swapping eyeliner techniques with Billie Joe Armstrong. Joan Rivers thinks you’ve been hanging around too long.
Boston, MA – I wished for something so hard last night that didn’t come true, and now I have a case of the Friday morning bluebies. Mrs. Munson is in Newport (holla!), so I went to bed with my underpants pulled halfway down, just in case that was the night a ghost decided to show up. I even lit a candle and recited a poem over and over: “I wish I may, I wish I might, have a ghost preferrably female come and suck my dick tonight.” That’s not cheating, you guys. Mrs. Munson would probably say it is, but what are you going to do, anger the ghost? Just let it suck your dick and hopefully take its’ time. We have all night here. I’d rather deal with the wrath of Mrs. Munson than some ghost shaking the foundation and smashing vases and picture frames. I feel like if you don’t give in, you’ll just end up being haunted with pictures of dicks and vulgar notes written in steam on the bathroom mirror.
Let’s put it to a vote. Please send this important link to everyone in your personal and professional network.
(Here’s the transcript of the note I left on my nightstand)
Things should be fairly quiet around here with not so many rules as Mrs. Munson is spending a few days in Newport. I should be back from golf tonight around 9pm. Please make yourself at home. Nevermind, look who I’m talking to, this is your home. But there’s no reason for you to stay up in the attic. For your convenience, I am once again going to bed with my underpants pulled halfway down. Also, some of my likes include getting blown. For dislikes, please resist the temptation to sodomize me. That’s not cool, I am not inviting you down here for that.
CBS/AP – Authorities say a Texas father who beat to death a man who allegedly tried molesting his 5-year-old daughter will not be charged. Officials said the Lavaca County grand jury met Tuesday and declined to return an indictment against the father in the death of 47-year-old Jesus Mora Flores. The attack happened on the family’s ranch between the farming towns of Shiner and Yoakum. Investigators said the 23-year-old father ran toward his daughter’s screams, pulled Flores off his child and beat him with his hands.
Emergency crews found Flores’ pants and underwear pulled down on his lifeless body when they responded to the 911 call. The girl was taken to a hospital and examined. Authorities say forensic evidence and witness accounts corroborated the father’s story that his daughter was being sexually molested.
This is kind of a two-fer, because the obvious story for most of us ends with “The dude’s not getting prosecuted for killing some child rapist caught in the act. Good. Saves us hearing some Gloria-Allred-ambulance-chasing-vampire wail on and on about how this f-ing creeper was the victim.”
But in case you think that everyone’s on the same f-ing page here – that study after study suggests that adult pedophiles are NEVER cured of their urges, that this killing may actually have saved others from harm (not to mention saving years of public funds spent rehabbing this f-er), that the world is now a better place – I want you to read how Time Magazine’s PARENTING BLOGGER Bonnie Rochman viewed the situation:
Time: …Indeed, in such a horrific and unimaginable moment, it’s easy to believe that many parents would have reacted similarly. I couldn’t see myself having any semblance of self-control. But I wonder about the AP’s conclusion that the father was “authorized to use deadly force to protect his daughter.” One blow probably would have been sufficient to separate the alleged predator from the girl. But the dad pummeled Flores to death. That degree of force was likely unnecessary — but neither investigators, the grand jury nor the general public could muster up much sympathy for Flores…
“Muster up much sypmathy for” the rapist? Oh my non-existent christ. This monster was caught with his pants down, literally, and all this douchebag extraordinaire, Seattle-based, former Boston Globe writer can lament is that her fellow tofu-brained media types couldn’t sway public opinion in favor of the rapist. Appalling, but this is who is spoon feeding us news on a f*cking daily basis. God damn it.
Boston, MA – Is it just me, or does it almost feel like God and Mother Nature are double-teaming us with their dicks on this one? You can imagine God stuffing it in our mouths while high-fiving Mother Nature over our backs as she goes to town with a strap-on. “This is what they get for having a mild Winter” lol’d God, while M-Natty kindly spits on her plastic shaft just prior to entry. On one hand, some of the gayers in our audience probably have gumdrops for nipples thinking about that, but not me. I am feeling kind of blah about this whole thing.
Anyway, please take particular note of how Monday shows two raindrops, signifying the heaviest of all rain falls on the one day I’m playing a golf tournament.
Hope you enjoyed your weekend. Just a reminder that there are 13 weeks until Autumn.
Boston, MA – This is kind of a bittersweet blog for me today. On one hand, I’ve been very blessed to be an unpaid writer for Wicked Improper over the past 6 months. On the other hand, I’m going to quit when I get $3 million for the piece of toast pictured below. I always thought those people that saw images of the Virgin Mary in a window, or a picture of Moses on grilled cheese were full of shit, but not anymore. At first, the image on my toast startled me. This could finally be the proof I’ve been looking for after many blogs where I insinuated that Jesus could have been a gayer all along. At the very least, even the skeptics would have to agree that my Wonder Bread toast proves that he could have been Bi. Even though he was considered by most to be a mediocre carpenter at best, we do know that Jesus had a “special assistant” named Gregory that would tag along to job sites. There are historical documents showing the other carpenters filed several complaints against Jesus and Gregory for creating an uncomfortable work environment. As one carpenter claimed: “Yeah, I’m up on the fuckin’ scaffoldin’, and this fuckin’ queen Gregory is wearin’ a half cut t-shirt and tight shorts, wigglin’ his ass over the edge of Jesus’ chariot, sayin’ shit like ‘yoo hoo! Jesus! Almost time for lunch break’ and pretendin’ to put a broom handle into his mouth while his tongue pushes his cheek out. Hey, I don’t got time for this shit, I got a fuckin’ steeple ta build, ya know?”
Anyway, I believe that it’s Gregory you can clearly see creeping in from the left hand side of the toast.
This toast is for sale and the starting bid is $15. Please, no tire kickers or offers just to come look at the toast. Please forward this to as many people as possible as some of the proceeds from the sale are not going to charity. Serious inquiries only to: email@example.com.
He plunged 250 feet to his death at Palos Verdes Estates, Los Angeles after thanking a police officer, who responded to a 911 call, for his help and saying he had ‘something to do’. He told them his name was Jesus but later admitted it was John…and talked about his struggles with depression and problems with his father.
‘He said: “I’m in so much pain that I have to take my life. There’s nothing I can live for. At 11:11 I have to take my life,”‘ Ms Ecker said.
‘He was the most charismatic, delightful, energetic, spiritual person. He quoted biblical passages and loved talking to the girls.’ Ms Ecker said John continued to talk with the girls about his spiritual beliefs including a notion that he was the ‘chosen one’.
‘He had a happy glow. He went off the edge like a bird and fell flat on the rocks.’ Ms Ecker said John took cellphone pictures of himself before jumping. ‘It was a very premeditated suicide. I think we delayed it,’ she said. ‘He seemed quite determined. I think he suffered from depression. He was lost. He definitely didn’t want to live.’
For a window into Red’s soul, let me tell you that I burst into laughter at “he flew off the cliff like a bird,” and I hit a f-ing fevered pitch at “fell flat on the rocks.” But this guy’s story started unravelling towards the middle.
I totally get the “Chosen One” thing. It’s normal for most everyone to go through that phase (spoiler alert: you’re not Jesus either), but then to later admit to the cop that you’re not god’s son? Bad show. You have to keep in character throughout, or you’re going to have people questioning your convictions. Although I think that bullsh1t from his mom about his “happy glow” right before he dashed his brains out on the rocks like Piggy from Lord of the Flies might tell us a little about where he was getting that line of bullsh1t from…
Speaking of his mom, who refers to girls as “the girls?” Is that a euphamism for something? It sounds as if she pictures all females as some opposite sex entity like The Borg. And, sorry, quoting scripture to The Girls? Dude, you are doing it totally wrong. I’m beginning to think that his issues were not with his father at all.
What finally broke my support for this guy was his choice of suicide time. 11:11? How f*cking dramatic can you get? The mom could’ve talked him out of it with some tough love. “John, you’ve decided to kill yourself, you’re at the edge of a 250-foot cliff, you’ve got a warm glow all about you, and I think you’re Jesus which means I’m the Virgin Mary. So get on with it, kill yourself and get it over with. Enough with the f*cking theatrics.” Then she walks away, he realizes what a d1ck he’s being, and he goes back to trying to bang The Girls using vague lines about submitting to the one true god, with your mouth. End of story.
In what I think might be the most ridiculous poll result ever, it looks like almost half of “the people” think that Tim Tebow’s success is directly related to divine intervention. Forget for a second the logical follow up debate about why people are dying of starvation but god has time to throw Tim and his team a bone (!) and tilt the advantage in their direction. Maybe instead of Denver being god’s team, the games’ outcomes are more a reflection of what god thinks of the teams that Denver’s beating? “Pittsburgh? Those guys are a$$holes! The Chiefs, now there’s a team! Romeo Crennel seems like a nice guy, he’s always smiling. That’s also the reason I let them beat Green Bay and f*ck up their whole perfect season.” By association I guess that means god’s not on Green Bay’s side either, which is good news for the Giants. Based on that logic, I’m sure there’s a Kevin Baconian degrees of separation analysis I could do to determine the divine outcome of these games, but I’m starving and can’t reason with an empty stomach.
New Orleans -3.5 @ San Francisco. This is the only game where I’m laying the points, but the Saints are surging and I simply don’t believe in San Francisco. New Orleans is similar to Miami in that the players actually experience LESS booze and wh0res and MORE sleep when they’re on the road, so it’s actually a plus here.
Houston +7.5 @ Baltimore. Tim Tebow is a little over-zealous in his dealings with Jesus and his infuriating refusal to pork Katy Perry, and the media is up his a$$. The Reverend Ray Lewis is implicated in a murder and all we hear is “Wow what a great and passionate leader.” Something’s wrong, my friends. My two biggest locks of the week? I’m not going to fix it by myself, and I’m certainly not going to church on Sunday.
NYG + 7.5 @ Green Bay. Aaron Rogers is a f*cking robot, but I’m starting to think that the Giants can at least keep the game close, given Green Bay’s shaky defense. I doubt the Giants can win, but 7.5 is a lot, and as we’ve already discussed, the lord hates the Packers.
Denver +13.5 @ New England. Three career-type years were put up by quarterbacks in the league this year: Rogers, Brees, and Brady killed this season, and they’re all in the hunt still. But Tim Tebow is getting all the attention because
he doesn’t rail chicks he’s the king of the comeback. This could be an absolute abortion of a game Saturday night, but you know what? I don’t think the league officials will allow that. They almost blew it last week by nearly handing the game to the Steelers. So I expect to see PLENTY of calls against the Pats, mysterious non-calls in favor of the Broncos, and horrible ball spots for the Pats that will blow your mind, just to keep things close. You don’t put on a party for 50 million people and then lay an egg, you have give the bloodthirsty masses what they want.
Wow, we are getting flooded with readers wanting to know more about Tim Tebow and his miraculous run to/through the playoffs! I’m going to collect the most asked questions about him here, and lay it out for you guys. (I know that everyone has an “I stuck my thumb up Walter Peyton’s ass” story, but in this case, you can consider me an expert on this topic*.
Why does everyone hate Tim Tebow? Ordinarily, I’d say “Who gives a sh1t?” or “It’s none of your business, and besides, it’s irrelevant.” But in this case, the fact that Tim Tebow is a virgin (or claims to be – KAPOW!), given the exalted position his public has bestowed upon him, seems to be the number one reason why people hate him. But is he a virgin? Who gives a sh1t?
What was up with that backwards lateral/incomplete pass call last night?! Had the Broncos lost, that would’ve been the play of the day, a total screw job by the refs, that allowed a 10 or possibly a 14 point swing. Even Jim Nantz and Phil “Hey guys don’t forget I used to be a quarterback too!” Simms said on national television last night, and I may be paraphrasing slightly, “The Broncos just got f*cked.”
Now that the Denver Tebows are in the second round of the playoffs, is Tebowing considered cool? No.
Is there a god? Spoiler alert, but no. (Maybe.)
How can I get my wife to look at me the way she looks at Tim Tebow? lol, it’s too late, unless you’re Tom Brady or Rick Fox. But you can try to approximate this by taping a poster of Tim Tebow to your bedroom ceiling. You’re too far gone to be proud about this, so just deal with it.
Isn’t it a bit “hack-y” to include dozens of links to your own old posts in a new post? F8ck off.
Can Tebow and the Broncos cover what is likely to be a 24 point spread against the
Evil Empire Patriots? Stay tuned!
The Post Game: Even in defeat, Tim Tebow continues to be a polarizing figure. A popular skit on the latest edition of Saturday Night Live which focused on the Denver Broncos quarterback’s obsession with religion has drawn a heated response from America’s leading televangelist. Pat Robertson claimed the SNL skit was “anti-Christrian bigotry that’s just disgusting.” Robertson, 81, told viewers on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s 700 Club that had the skit been about another religion, things would have been much different.
“If this had been a Muslim country and they had done that, and had Muhammad doing that stuff, you would have found bombs being thrown off, and bodies on the street,” Robertson said.
First of all, there is no god. (spoiler alert) Second, although Pat “There may be no god but keep sending money” Robertson is right about Muslim countries, the jealousy in his statement is hilarious. This is what hamstrings the Republican party every time. You’ve got the conservative constitutionalists hijacked by the religious crazies who would rather burn the constitution and move back to the 1100′s where priests sentenced sinners to knob polishing (openly) and a new crusade was the preferred method to raise money for the new
wine cellar and brothel church wing. You can tell he’s aching to go back to a time where he can shoot dead any blasphemer and leave his lifeless body propped up at the city limits like Morgan Freeman from “The Unforgiven.”
Finally, that skit wasn’t all that funny, so if Pat “The collection plate offering isn’t a suggestion” Robertson was pissed about that, I could understand his anger. You have seven weeks of miracles to come up with some funny material, and instead you float out obvious joke after obvious joke, as if you
were writing a crappy blog and just needed to get something, anything, out in print ran out of material and added this skit as last minute filler.
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel: Tebowmania is sweeping the nation and one Packer isn’t happy about it. Tight end Jermichael Finley is fed up with the attention Denver’s Tim Tebow has received this season.
“I sit at home, start watching TV and all I’m seeing is Tebow,” Finley said. “That’s kind of disturbing. We have a guy here that’s breaking records every week and you have a guy in Tebow that’s saying ‘God’ every word and he gets coverage. Of course I love my faith and God but come on man.”
“He’s telling everybody what they want to hear,” Finley said. “You see him and he’s patting everybody on the back saying, ‘You’re going to make this catch. I promise because God said,’ and he makes it happen. Stuff like that. It confuses people. People that don’t know the game outside of the fans, of course they’re going to hype it up. But guys that see a good player and a good quarterback, they know what kind of guy he’ll be down the road when he gets exposed. Everybody who knows the game knows what kind of player Tebow is going to be.”
Kansas City Chiefs 19, Green Bay Packers 14. Perfect season, gone.
Good vs. Evil this week, with the filthy dirty New England Porn Stars travelling to play the pure of heart Denver Vestal Virgins. I would consider myself a coward if I didn’t include this game in my weekly five, but my confidence is shaken for this game, as you’ll see, so I’m throwing the pick in the “extra” pile. And for good measure, I’m only using games where I switched from my original pick. So if I go 0-5 this week, I will kill myself.