Here Are Some Cannons That The United Nations Doesn’t Mind At All

 

If I had one wish, it'd be worldwide peace. If I had two, it'd be worldwide peace and boobs.

 

Beltway Pundit:  The United Nations Twitter account has 1,462,872 followers.  In return, the UN follows 537 accounts – mostly foreign UN special missions, dignitaries and international heads of states.  However, buried in the list ConstitutionSchool.com discovered one account which seemed oddly out of place: “Penelope Black Diamond.”

 

Penelope!  For the record, there are something around 200 million active twitter accounts.  The UN has chosen to follow less than 1000 of those guys.  (disclaimer:  For some f*cking inexplicable reason, Wicked Improper is not currently one of them.)  That why you pay the UN the big bucks:  to make the tough decisions so they’re not wasting their time on bullshit.

 

As you can see, the UN is very, VERY discriminating when choosing who(m?) to follow

Some Self Important Fox News Reporter Is Making Headlines

Bet she went somewhere like Amherst

 

Denver Post:  [A judge who's name should also not be important] on Wednesday said he won’t decide whether a Fox News reporter must reveal her sources until he determines whether a notebook she wrote about in July is evidence in the murder case against James Holmes.

Reporter Jana Winter, citing two unnamed law enforcement sources, reported that the notebook, sent by Holmes to his psychiatrist, contained violent drawings and writings.  Since then, Holmes’ attorneys have attempted to find out who her sources were, arguing that the sources violated the case’s gag order.

If the judge ultimately decides Winter must testify about her sources and she refuses, she could be sentenced to jail.

Winter, a New York based reporter, was in the courtroom Wednesday as lawyers for Holmes argued that she should be compelled to testify.

 

I’m all for a free press standing strong against the government.  “F*ck you, government, I’m not talking!  Yih!”  But is that the most annoying, self-important smile you’ve ever seen?  Her top three thoughts as that picture is getting snapped:

1.  It’s super cool that I get to go to court and refuse to roll over on my sources “like a real reporter.”
2.  I wonder how many symposiums I’m going to be invited to back at my alma mater Amherst, Columbia.
3.  I’M PART OF THE STORY NOW!

Do I want her to roll over on her source?  Hell Fucking No.  (spelled out).  The government can go f*ck off as far as I’m concerned.  (But I still want James Holmes to “slip on a knife” in the cafeteria.)  But wipe that gd self-satisfied smug b1tch look off your fat face.  You’re not the story.  Stop showboating, get into to court, and tell the judge you ain’t saying shit.  You can smile all you want after a) James Holmes is electrocuted and b) you finish your 30-day stretch for obstruction of justice.

 

ps:  Dark gray suit, light gray shirt, and plain yellow tie?  You’re going to be on fucking television, dickhead.  Get a shave, put a dimple in your knot, get a white shirt, and put on a tie that doesn’t look like you pulled it out from under your f-ing bed this morning.  Christ.  Also – make it an inch longer.  This is not your fraternity formal anymore, douche.

pps:  The girl in back with the silk shirt stretched to the fing limit tan suit in the back looks like she just gained carnal knowledge of Jana.  No judgment.

 

 

 

Who’s Steering This Ship FCS?

 

 

Denver Post:  Democratic Rep. Diana DeGette has been the lead sponsor on a federal ban on high-capacity ammunition magazines in two Congresses, saying it’s one of her top priorities.  But Tuesday at a Denver Post forum on the gun control debate, the senior congresswoman from Denver appeared to not understand how guns work.

Asked how a ban on magazines holding more than 15 rounds would be effective in reducing gun violence, DeGette said:

“I will tell you these are ammunition, they’re bullets, so the people who have those know they’re going to shoot them, so if you ban them in the future, the number of these high capacity magazines is going to decrease dramatically over time because the bullets will have been shot and there won’t be any more available.”

What she didn’t appear to understand is that a magazine can be reloaded with more bullets. According to the Shooter’s Log, only early on were magazines for AR-15s designed to be disposable, but the military changed that and now magazines are used several times. In handguns, a magazine is designed to be reused hundreds of times.

 

Ayfkm right now?  AYMFKM?  Just to be clear:  “What she didn’t appear to understand is that a magazine can be reloaded with more bullets.”  A magazine, like the ones used in AR-15 rifles – the ones that kind of hang off the bottom and are shaped like a banana – are basically curved boxes with a spring at the bottom.  In a semi-automatic, when you fire a round (bullet), the spring pushes the next round up into the rifle for the next trigger pull/shot.  When there aren’t any rounds left, the mag is empty (natch).  But you don’t f8cking throw it away fcs.  You pop it out, and if you want, you fill it up again.  It works very much like a gas tank in your motherf*cking automobile.  When you run out of gas, you fill it up with more gas for the love of Pete, you don’t replace it with a full gas tank god damn it.  Christ (nsp) allf8ckingmighty.

 

I will admit that I don’t agree with most of the gun control legislation that’s coming out, but I promise you, I’m open to a discussion.  And I’m really not even close to being a gun expert.  On the other hand, if you don’t even know how “ONE OF YOUR TOP PRIORITIES” actually works, how can you be allowed in the f*cking room?!  Get out!  GET FUCKING OUT!  This woman is in Congress!  Lifetime ban on drunk driving and murder charges!  She’s voting on important shit!

 

 

Breaking: White Ejaculate Reported Coming Out Of The Vatican’s Chimney – New Pope To Be Announced

Different kinda Pope

 

Conventional wisdom says that a quick fix vote suggests that it’s going to be one of the popular favorites vs. an upset.  And isn’t that what the Catholic (capped?) church is all about – Conventional Wisdom?  (capped?)

 

 

So, WTF, Are We At War With North Korea Or What?

'Cause he's fat... Get it?

 

AP:  North Korea vowed on Thursday to launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike against the United States, amplifying its threatening rhetoric hours ahead of a vote by U.N. diplomats on whether to level new sanctions against Pyongyang for its recent nuclear test.

An unidentified spokesman for Pyongyang’s Foreign Ministry said the North will exercise its right for “a preemptive nuclear attack to destroy the strongholds of the aggressors” because Washington is pushing to start a nuclear war against the North.

First this pound cake tells Hilary Rodham Clinton and John Kerry to go fly a kite but invites DENNIS RODMAN to chill at his crib, and now he’s vowing to nuke us?  We’re at war then, right?  Or is this one of those rules of engagement things where we have to sit back and let him bomb San Francisco before we actually get to rain down hellfire on his royal palace?  (Which, spoiler, will be surrounded by thousands of North Korean 8-year-olds and the entire MSNBC “reporting” core.)

 

Oh and he starves his people

 

A Sid & Marty Kroft Production!

 

Don’t Call It A Cut

It's not a cut if we spend more after it's happened, fcs.

 

Last day of February 2013, which means if the government doesn’t come to an agreement on the budget (no budget in five years so far), we’re going into “sequester.”  Here’s the funny thing about government budgeting.  If they say they’re experiencing cuts, what they actually mean is they’re experiencing smaller than projected increases.  That’s right - as the chart above shows, if we go into sequester and experience these horrible “cuts” that everyone’s talking about, we’ll still spend more next year than this year.

And now, back to flumes, because they’re nothing you can do about it.

 

If You Have 27 Minutes To Spare This Presidents’ Day, Here’s Where You Might Consider Spending It

He came very close to echoing Martin’s assertion that all lawyers are vampires.

 

Maybe Wicked Improper should start awarding class credits…

 

Bill Maher Nailed That One. Plus! A Wicked Improper Geography Lesson!

 

Honestly, I thought it was an island, but I think that's "Bali"

 

Oct 22:  “Mali has been taken over, the northern part of Mali by Al Qaeda type individuals.”  – Mitt Romney, Presidential Debate #3

Oct 22:   “Mitt, you do know that most of America thinks Mali is one of Obama’s daughters, right?”  – Bill Maher, Twitter (Retweeted thousands of times)

Jan 16:  “The French military assault on Islamist extremists in Mali escalated into a potentially much broader North African conflict on Wednesday when, in retribution, armed attackers in unmarked trucks seized an internationally managed natural gas field in neighboring Algeria and took at least 20 foreign hostages, including Americans.”  – WSJ

Jan 17:  Oop!  They killed ‘em.  – Reuters  (paraphrased)

 

 

 

 

Happy Day After The Fiscal Cliff Day!

Brother can you spare a diiiime?

 

nouveau pauvre

PRONUNCIATION:

(NOO-voh POH-vruh)

MEANING:

adjective: Recently impoverished. 

noun: One who is newly impoverished.

 
I wonder if the established poor look down on the nouveau pauvre like the old money d1cks sneer at the nouveau riche?
 
 

NFL’s Murder Story: Personal Accountability Might Go A Long Way If We Bother To Let It

Not my fault!

 

NBC sports anchor Bob Costas channeled his inner Edward R. Murrow and Howard Cosell during halftime of last night’s Sunday Night Football game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Dallas Cowboys, calling for stricter gun control in the wake of Saturday’s murder-suicide involving Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher.

‘In the coming days, Jovan Belcher’s actions and their possible connection to football will be analyzed. Who knows? But here, wrote Jason Whitlock, is what I believe. If Jovan Belcher didn’t possess a gun, he and Kasandra Perkins would both be alive today.”

 

Bob Costas thinks that, were it not for the fact that Jovan Belcher owned a gun, he and his girlfriend would be alive now.  I’m not going to argue gun rights here. (But if he had any balls he’d just come out and say “We should ban all guns from existence and give Iran the list of gun owners in the United States.”)  My question is, whatever happened to fucking (spelled out) personal responsibility?  Here are a few details I’ve gleaned from various sources about this very sad story:

1.  Jovan Belcher had money problems.

2.  Jovan Belcher had a three-month old baby with his girlfriend.

3.  Jovan Belcher drove a Rolls fing Royce.

4.  Jovan Belcher spent some of the night before he murdered his significant (arguable) other getting drunk with another woman.  Or women, hard to tell.

5.  For at least part of the night before he became a murderer, Jovan Belcher slept in his Rolls Royce, parked outside this other woman’s house.

6.  Jovan Belcher was paid approximately $1 million (pre tax, probably pre-vampire-agent) over the previous three years.

7.  Jovan Belcher secured a $1.9 million (ptppva) contract to play for the Chiefs this year.

8.  Chiefs management knew about some of JB’s problems before he murdered someone.

9.  Jovan Belcher owned at least one and possibly a bunch of guns.  (legally from what I understand)

 

All of those details, and Bobby “I ruined the Olympics for millions of fans” Costas decides that the most significant item is his ownership of guns?  That reminds me of the times when a newspaper article says “An SUV today plowed into a bunch of nuns at a soup kitchen and killed them all.”  Oh really?  An SUV did that?  No driver?  No responsible human had anything to do with that? 

I grew up in some pretty f-ed up fundamentally religious foreign countries.  In one of those, if an expatriate got into a car accident with a foreign national, and it was the FN’s fault, the defense would be – and I’m not sh1tting you here – “The accident would never have happened if you weren’t living in our country.  Case dismissed.”    And then the expat would be deported back to the States or whatever country he* was from.  Same deal when a young American girl was raped by a foreign national while I was there:  “Oh, you shouldn’t have been here, then it wouldn’t have happened.  Now get out of our country you dirty whore.”

When we excuse irresponsibility by foisting the blame onto inanimate objects or nebulous entities like “society” (or “god”), we wind up condoning decisions that lead to that behavior by implying that the people responsible for those actions are helpless to avoid them.  But they’re not helpless, for chrissakes.  A hundred (a thousand?) choices led him to that dark place, but we ignore those because it allows us to avoid more difficult questions.

Instead of excusing the behavior from your soapbox, Bob, why not challenge young men to step up:  ”Be a f-ing man.  Make choices that lead you to be proud of youself.  Take responsibility for your decisions, even the wrong ones.”

F!

 

*Women couldn’t drive there.

World War III? Or Just Wednesday?

 

j/k it's a different kind of armageddon!

Top Hamas commander killed in Israeli airstrike…
VIDEO…
‘OPENED GATES OF HELL’…
Target tied to Iran…
‘WAR’…
TEHRAN MOUNTS MASSIVE DRILLS…
Israel launches Operation Pillar of Cloud…
Recommends That No Hamas Operatives ‘Show Their Faces Above Ground’…
EGYPT THREATENS TO GET INVOLVED…
Hits 20 underground rocket sites in Gaza…
IDF ‘ready to initiate ground operation’…
Rockets explode in Israeli border town…

 

jc, according to the Drudge Report, it’s on like Donkey Kong. 

 

Another Four Star In Hot Water For Possibly Abandoning Loveless Marraige In Exchange For Sweet Tits From Tampa

Programs here! Get your Programs! You can't tell one adulterous general officer from another without a program!

 

Unless some salacious details photos come out, and you know these guys know how to burn evidence, this story is almost too boring to cover.  Except that both 4-stars in the news are attached to teh same socialite in Tampa who claims (lol) nothing happened.  What does appear to have happened is that this guy General Allen exchanged upwards of 30,000 pages of inappropriate emails, up to 40 a day, with this chick.  But I’m not sure if this was under wraps.  If you ask me, it looks as if the wife was in the know based on the picture above.

ps – ABC said this was a mistake, but I don’t believe them:

She's ripped but could use some enhancements. You know what I'm talking about you dirty little minx you.

Are You Shitting Me Jesse Jackson Junior?!

You're hired!

 

Here’s a rough sketch of what JJJ did this summer:

1.  Did not show up for work.  Not since June or something.  Too stressed out.

2.  Hung out in front of the Gas’n'Sip crusing not-his-wife females and sucking face and drinking and smoking.

3.  Was investigated by the FBI for misuse of funds.  (bonus item:  His lawyers somehow got any indictment postponed until after the election.)

4.  Got re-elected to the United States Congress in a LANDSLIDE victory, winning 65% of the vote.

Take-aways?  Well if you’re just a regular fucking person (spelled out), then there aren’t any good ones.  But if you just got elected to Conress this week, then remember:  a) Elected officials have the best dope, b) Yes, “intern” is a euphamism, and c) Congratulations, you are now even further above the law (any law – of man, ethics, morality, etc.) than Ben Roethlisberger and Ray Lewis.

If You Give A Flying Shit About The Election (For President, it’s today) Then This Is A Must Watch Video

LOL. Romney is going to win! Romney is going to win! Just when you thought yo ass was clicking on Obama for 4 more years of Obama phones, gas money, and he gonna pay your mortgage (?), Romney makes it so anywhere you touch on the screen is a vote for him! It’s beautiful! He completely tanked those last two debates intentionally to save his energy, knowing that when people go to vote, his Bain Capital purchased voting machines would do the debating and voting for him! I would not be surprised if Romney wins 100% to Obama’s 0%. Romney in a fucking touchscreen doctored landslide! First order of business for Mitt: Make the move to boxer briefs and demand that staff members and interns take your bulge seriously. If you peel off your suit and show them your magic Mormon underpants, they are going to laugh at you because you look like a gay pilgrim. (click that please)

p.s. Once the election is over, the government cordially invites you to continue thinking your votes and tweets have any impact whatsoever over their future decisions to pork you.

 

If These Three Sentences Don’t Perfectly Crystallize What It’s Like To Be A US Congressman (And The Son Of A Rich And Famous Adulterer), I Simply Do Not Know What Does

 

Good luck. You need crowbars to get these guys out of office.

 

The Daily:  His constituents haven’t seen him in four months. His staff insists he is too depressed for public appearances. But The Daily found Jesse Jackson Jr. smoking a cigar on the stoop of his $1.3 million home yesterday, the same day he was accused of bilking his campaign funds and drinking away his nights with women who aren’t his wife.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I bet the Chicago Teachers’ Union is behind him 100%.

Madge Threatens Audience With Her Wretched Nakedness If Obama’s Re-Elected

 

jc, that's far enough. More than far enough.

The Hill:  Madonna offered a profanity-laced endorsement of President Obama at her concert Monday night, which involved the singer stripping down to her underwear to reveal the president’s name written on her body.  “When Obama is in the White House for a second term I’ll take it all off,” she said to cheers and whistles from the audience. 

Oh, no, sorry - it’s an endorsement.  I honestly thought it was a threat, like Alec Baldwin’s unfillfilled promise to leave the country if Bush got a 2nd term.  “If Obama’s elected, I’m going to force you to watch me and my hairy 60-year-old nipples writhe around onstage and sing Like A Virgin!” 

I don’t think this is going to work as an incentive.  Nobody wants to see that.  Jesus.  I’d rather spend the afternoon swapping eyeliner techniques with Billie Joe Armstrong.  Joan Rivers thinks you’ve been hanging around too long.

 

The Beltway Bandit, VP Joe Biden, Trying To Get His Hard Wood Polished

Joe Biden Votes: "Aye!"

 

The  Daily Caller:  Vice President Joe Biden may have stuck his foot in his mouth again on Friday, using an awkward off-the-cuff phrase to compliment high school cheerleaders during a campaign stop.

“He began by asking which teams were represented — football, soccer, lacrosse and cross-country. Any others? He asked. ‘Cheerleaders,’ a group of girls shouted.”

“Guess what, the cheerleaders in college are the best athletes in college,” Biden said. “You think, I’m joking, they’re almost all gymnasts, the stuff they do on hard wood, it blows my mind.”

 

Zero.  Zero chance this was inadvertent.  We wouldn’t allow a Vice President in this country who couldn’t turn a phrase or slap a double entendre on your ass (lol), and that’s was slippery Joe was doing here.  Classic Speed Seduction.  Get them thinking about the true meaning of his phrase, but with a plausible out.  Then drop a little “Hey babe, wanna see why I put the “Vice” in Vice President?” and boom, she’s showing him her pom poms and performing a human pyramid on his vice presidential boner.

Touche, you dirty bastard.

According To Michelle Obama, Fat People Are F*cking It Up For The Rest Of Us

Fatter than you? Maybe. Richer than you? Way.

  

The  Blaze:  First lady Michelle Obama this week repeated her assertion that obesity is a national security threat:

Dr. Oz:  “From my perspective, the number one greatest national security threat that we have is obesity, do you ever think about it that way?”

MO:  “Well absolutely,” Obama replied.

 

Huh.  Maybe she or one of her handlers might want to let the FBI in on that fact:

FBI’s Michelle Obama’s National Security Threat List:

5.  Targeting the National Information Infrastructure Rush Limbaugh

4.  Economic Espionage  People who say “…but yet…”

3.  Proliferation  People who only vote once (and Republican, wink!)

2.  Espionage  Fox News

1.  Terrorism  Fatties in Yoga Pants