Boston, MA – According to Mrs. Munson, most of my blogs revolve around tightly bound awesome boobers, yoga pants, jerking off, balls, Meat Pounders in the News, etc. So, I wanted to give you an update on the other love story that is taking place in our very own house. Many of you remember Squirties the Pug who, despite being a female pug, really seems to think she has a dick (and posted her own video titled “Bustin’ Mah Nuts” HERE to prove it.) Also, we just recently learned from a canine genealogist that she was bred from a black pug named “Cliff Pugstable.” Others of you may remember Nipples the Cat, who simply refuses to leave me alone and die already. Among her ailments, as you may recall, was that gaping wound next to her asshole that smelled she was decomposing before our eyes. I’m not kidding, I half expected her to go into her catbox and poop out her entire skeleton. But, like a human being lingering on, true love seems to be keeping her alive much longer than any of us want her to be. Some of you close-minded people may be turned off by this, but I am proud to be the owner of the first lesbian cat and dog couple in history. No, I have never caught them doing 69, but I did find a paw print on my iPad2 and now there’s an Indigo Girls channel on my Pandora. No matter if your pro-gay, or anti-gay and belong to a hate group because you’re an asshole, you can’t look at this picture and tell me these two furry dikes aren’t in love.
“Make love to whoever it feels good with, you only get one life and one pussy or dick.” – Martin Munson
Boston, MA – Here’s Squirties the Pug, you guys. Oh, what, we can’t have a cute little mascot around here because we’re always talking about boobies and sandy pussies on the beach that make it feel like you’re having sex with gravel? Well, guess what? None of that matters to Squirties. It’s unconditional. Look at her, come Hell or really low-water, she’s ready to save the day. Earlier tonight, did I smoke pork chops and then step in a pile of her shit in the grass and scream my fucking head off? Yeah, I did, but then I “lol’d” because she’s not originally an unwanted little human being, intentionally shitting into a diaper and demanding to be fed and given an iPhone like the next generation of entitled vampires currently being strolled among us. At the End of Days, it will be you, your dog, your pistols, your Vicodins, and however much Dinty Moore beef stew you can hoard. Jihad is coming y’all, and it’s gonna be me and Squirties in a bunker, and the next person that comes through the door without awesome boobers is gettin’ smoked. (and then being fed on by Squirties)
Boston, MA – People are always asking me about my dog, Squirties the Pug. When we’re strolling along the Charles on a nice autumn day, you may be surprised to find we’re approached by all kinds of people, not just fudge packers. Mrs. Munson bought her a bright orange harness which, naturally, makes me look like a gay dog owner who, when not dressing his dog according to the Season, likes to get down on all fours and take a dick in his mouth and his bum. In truth, I know I wouldn’t like either of those things. To this day, I honestly can’t eat a banana without thinking “this HAS to be what it feels like to have a dick going in your mouth”, which is a shame, because I really like the flavor of banana. Sometimes at work, when I know someone’s looking, I’ll put a banana in my mouth slowly without taking a bite, and then turn my head to make eye contact with them. I tilt my head and raise my eyebrows like “should I take more?” to see if they’re interested. If they are and slowly nod, I make an angry face and chomp down. That’s just one of the ways you can find out who might be gay in your office. Anyway, Squirties and I were walking along the beach and some totally straight guy (NOT) goes “Oh my god. OMG! Her orange vest makes her look like a little lifeguard! So cu-UTE!” and I’m like “Thanks, I’ve only heard that six other times today.” At this point, we may as well get her a pink harness with thick purple veins on the side and two saddlebags that look like hairy balls.
By virtually no demand whatsoever, here are a couple of things you didn’t know about Squirties.
1. Her favorite porn is “Two Pugs One Bowl”
2. Despite her light complexion, Squirties was sired by a black father named Cliff Pugstable.
Boston, MA – People are always asking us about Squirties the Pug. Well, here she is. When she’s not busy sniffing the dirty laundry pile, or trying to fuck the shit out of our comforter, you can typically find her assuming this position on top of the heating pad that Mrs. Munson leaves on all night, even though those things have a wonderful history of bursting into flames and killing everyone.
I know she’s cute to look at, but she literally has an animal instinct when it comes to getting her bang on. Part of you wants to “LOL” because this female dog thinks she has a huge dick, but the other part of you is like “Come on, grow up, this is no time to LOL.” I would bring her to the Vet, but I know that vampire would charge us $85 to tell us he thinks she’s a Transpugxual.
If this is too cute and you’d rather see Squirties bang our comforter, click here.
Boston, MA – Me and Squirties the Pug went out for a walk, it’s really a shame that she cannot talk, because what to our wondering eyes should appear, some fucking outdoor cat acting real queer. Actually, this cat has mad climbing skills and made it all the way to the top of the telephone pole. In that sense, the pole was Mt. Everest for this cat, because they say climbing up is the easiest part. The hard part is coming down, because you still have a boner from summiting and all you can think about is getting back to basecamp and jerking off all over yourself. You completely forget that one wrong move could mean instant death. That’s almost what happened here, and I’m sure Squirties would have laughed her dick off. If she could talk, she probably would have dropped the C word and said something like “Dayummm, that Catta be crazy!”
(See the exciting conclusion video below!)
Here is the video of this dumbass trying to shimmy his way back down. Nice claws, dickhead.
Boston, MA – It’s pretty evident that Squirties the Pug wants to do two things with her life: eat food and hump my comforter until she busts her non-existent nuts. If you need proof, look no further than our footage of her interraction with the rotund, asthma-riddled drama queen, Nipples the Cat. Here’s a Wicked Improper exclusive video of Nipples coughing and wheezing her tits off, and Squirties is just chilling like “Catta, please.” Now, you know we don’t like spoilers around here, but this video begins and ends with Squirties basically not giving a shit. If Squirties could talk (and I don’t think she ever will because when we’re in private I beg her to), I bet she’d tell Nipples to take a fuckin’ heaven hike so she could finally get some dick up in here. See, Mrs. Munson thinks we’re getting a male dog next, but if you think I’m going to crank the volume for “Breaking Bad” while Squirties howls the night away as she gets railed over my ottoman, you have another thing coming, whatever that means.
(Please do not email or comment about the health of Nipples. Squirties and I are vehemently against medicine, and the costs associated with them, and have agreed to simply give Nipples Temptation treat after Temptation treat to shut her the fuck up. We also have a Do Not Recussitate order, so please respect our wishes and privacy.)
Boston, MA – Squirties the Pug would like to remind you all to stay cool over the next couple of days. The heat index is literally going to be off the charts, and guys, you’ll know when it reaches its’ peak when you’re peeling your scrotum from your thighs with the consistency of a Fruit Roll-Up. Ladies, you’ll know, as will everyone around you, that the heat index has reached its’ peak, or the lawn has gotten too high, or your mani/pedi appointment was canceled, when you become an unbearable snatch. There was a time, not too long ago, when I was the internets number one proponent of “Fresh Balls”, a lotion that you rub all over your mashed up balls and taint so you smelled like baby powder even under the smelliest of circumstances. However, with economic times being what they are, now I simply take my thumb and forefinger to stretch and pull my bag this way and that so I can rub my deodorant all over it. No need to purchase a second product that does the same thing. There’s good news and bad news about that. The good news is, I stay fresh all day long, and if you don’t believe me, I invite you to let me press my groin against your face. The bad news is, if for any reason you have to borrow my deodorant, like during a sleepover or we went camping and you packed poorly, please keep in mind that you are basically rubbing my balls all over your armpits.
So, here’s the upcoming forecast from Squirties the Pug: “Hot”
There you go. You’re getting your forecast from a dog now, so there’s no need for Fox25 to pay Cindy Fitzgibbons or Kevin “Weather Cyborg” Lemanowicz $250,000 a year when they can just do a 10 second screenshot of the forecast and move onto Sports.
Boston, MA – No Squirties! Don’t do it! You have so much to live for! Treats! Chasing squirrels around! Probably getting banged by bigger dogs at Day Care even though it’s hard for me to think about that! I promise to take you to the beach this weekend! Don’t be like David Carradine, or that scruffy Australian Maestro of Whack from INXS, Michael Hutchence! Wrapping your head in plastic or tightening a belt around your neck while you pound your meat or smash your bean is dangerous! Just do it the regular way you normally do and try to hump and squirt my comforter! Don’t let the death of Nipples get you down, she lived a long, boring life of nothingness, just like most cats. Now that she’s out of the way we don’t have to worry about the inside of the house smelling like her shit and ass tumors. Please Squirties, you don’t want to end it this way even though it would admittedly feel pretty good right before you die.
Boston, MA – Who’s a naughty pug? Who’s a baaaad girl? Squirties, you filthy little pig-shaped pug. You don’t care who looks, do you? You’re just going to pound away with that imaginary dick and get it done right in front of the cat. Horny Pug Don’t Give A Shit.
Side note: 15 year old cat for sale. Most annoying cat ever born from god’s creations. Awful. Shows affection by rubbing her teeth off any areas of exposed skin you might have (yes, including that.) Just lays around and eats, does nothing else. Totally a one way street. Won’t learn tricks, doesn’t know name, and is otherwise just very stupid. Asking $12 or b/o. No questions asked if you are planning to run tests on it.
Boston, MA – The next person to follow Squirties the Pug on Twitter wins a Wicked Improper bumper sticker. All you have to do is click on the image if you have a Twitter account, which you obviously do unless you’re a caveman, or, lol, a poor person that can’t afford a smart phone or the internet.