***Update: Is it too much to ask that they lose GB the game?
***Update: Is it too much to ask that they lose GB the game?
Bethlehem, Jerusalemsville – It was a poorly kept secret that Jesus just so happened to be gay. In fact, he had a bumper sticker on his chariot that said “Honk If You Think Pussy Is Gross.” There may even be documentation that supports Jesus was not a fan of women at all. After seeing what you and I would consider “a tremendous pair of boobers”, Jesus said to the rest of his gang “OMG you guys, like, those things are just pockets of fatty tissue. Have dairy much?” then snapped his fingers and kind of sashayed off. While many would prefer to think of him just having one on one, he also liked ‘ménage a trois’ (French) and ‘ménage y more’ (French, Spanish and English) because he was quite literally taking on all comers. People will just have to open their hearts and minds, even though it goes against every fiber of your being to learn that he may have been a knob gloggler. His nickname with the other gayers in Bethlehem was “Tommy Gun”, because he would withdraw and say “rat tat tat, rat tat tat!” while firing in all directions. That’s where the whole “take this, all of you” thing came from.
May you go in peace.
Boston, MA and Jeweryton, Bethlehem – Quite often, our readers email to ask if I believe Jesus ever had a girlfriend, or at least a side piece away from all of his disciples and other shit going on down at the church. Legend has it that Jesus became the laughingstock of Jeweryton, for when he would meet attractive churchgoers, he and his robe would suffer through untimely and below-average erections. In all fairness, Jesus was ever the gentleman, remaining chivalrous in the most embarrassing of situations. When women and a few of the gayers would giggle at his little apostle, Jesus would say “If you will excuse me, I need to go relieve myself behind the goat stables.” Anyway, his unpredictable boners is where the phrase “Christ has risen” originally came from.
Now, one has to wonder, did Jesus ever abuse his power and fame by pulling his robe to the side and saying “If you don’t want to burn in hell for eternity, open thy mouth and prepare to receive my “Get out of Hell Free” pass”? Or, if no one else was around and he was bored with never-ending loops of SportsCenter, did he decide to pleasure himself off with the natural, slippery inside of a banana peel? We may never know. I won’t link to them, because it’s Easter, but there are discussion forums out there where members talk about out of the ordinary ways to finish oneself off, and you’d be surprised how high the banana peel ranks. Spoiler, it comes in third, right behind velvet glove and vaseline-filled pumpkin. One forum member even goes so far to say “If you get your peel on, whatever you do, shower before you visit the chimp habitat at the San Diego Zoo. If they ever get a whiff of that Del Monte, they will quite literally go apeshit.”
May you go in Peace,
Reverend Martin Luther Munson
Boston, MA and Heaven (now accepting Puerto Ricans with proper ID!) – Buenos Dias everyone! As we start winding down another Black History month, I wondered why there’s no White History month. Then I remembered, people don’t really want to sit around the fireplace telling stories of bigotry, genocide, kinda sorta being responsible for slavery, and unimaginable, ongoing greed. Where would you even begin to celebrate something as atrocious as that? You can’t have a bunch of small honkeys running around, cupping their own mouths making Indian sounds, trying to smash tasty candies out of a Native American piñata head. As far as I can tell, we’ve made two attempts at clearing the air with the Native Americans. To finally make reparations, they’ve been given the inside track on building casinos. The first attempt probably did more damage than good, when Bobby Brady brought franks and beans inside some shitty flashlight to that little red boy who was hiding in the Grand Canyon. The writers and producers of “The Brady Bunch” dropped the tomahawk, and basically portrayed the boy as a savage living amongst the wild who couldn’t be trusted to eat dinner at a table like a regular human being. Shame on you whatever Network that shit was on.
Speaking of white people with guns, by now, you’ve probably heard the 911 tape of Daniel Von Bargen (of “Seinfeld” fame), who apparently shot himself in the head and lived to tell about it. The vampires at TMZ released the audio (here), I listened to it and got to thinking: What if I had to call 911 under those same circumstances? The recording below is kind of how I imagine that phone call going, and all you have to do is hit ‘play.’
Boston, MA – By the time he was 20, it was evident Jesus was going to be nothing more than a drywall hanger. He had started rumors around Bethlehem that he was a Master Carpenter, but the fact was, he was merely a laborer. He had also racked up 3 OSHA violations. One time he dropped a load of shingles off a roof and nearly killed a chestnut vendor. When asked about his carelessness, he said “Hey, I’m sorry about what happened to that Chinaman, but shit happens. Especially when Ching Chong Chan there decided to park his fucking nut wagon directly below my scaffolding.” Jesus was also known to be a bit ornery on the job. Once, when framing a doorway, a foreman asked Jesus why the trim was out of whack, asking him if he used a tape measure. Jesus replied “No, I measured it with my dick. Of course I used a tape measure.” And with that, he left to make yet another run to Dunkin’s. One of the reasons why he was never taken seriously is because he took 7 or 8 breaks during the day. He was constantly antagonizing the Mexicans at work, inquiring about their citizenship and suggesting he had seen some of their mothers prostituting. People around Bethlehem thought he was a bit of a fitness freak, because he would ride his bike to and from his job every day. What they didn’t know, because in those days they didn’t have a police log, was that Jesus had his license revoked because of 4 chariot-related DUI’s. He was also kicked off another job site when the foreman caught him burping his rhino in the passenger seat of a delivery van. Jesus just shrugged and said “Hey, I’m only human. BiBi Jones is posting videos of herself grinding on her furniture to Twitter, and I couldn’t fucking take it anymore.”
Peace be with you.
Boston, MA and Jewskonsville, Bethlehem – For some of us, it’s difficult to think about Jesus getting more poontanna than Justin Beiber, but so it was, around the year of…well, whatever the years were numbered before he died. 40 gabillion? Not only did he die for our (continual) sins, but his death also made it easier for us to remember what year we live in. It’s easier writing “2012″ on checks instead of “40,000,000,000,000,002,012.” Anyway, Jesus was, quite simply put, the first Rock Star. To assume that he wasn’t using his celebrity to destroy Bethlehemmy poontail would be ignorant of us. Now, I’m pretty old-fashioned when it comes to love-make, so I simply will not entertain the idea that he and his friends used to Double-Stuff women at their parties. I just don’t picture Jesus chilling on a couch, with some chick riding him, and then one of his friends sneaking over from the Wine Bar and putting one into her dirthole. I think it would just be too weird the next day, after church, talking to one of the other disciples or apostles or whatever: “Hey man, sorry about last night, I didn’t mean for my balls to be slapping against your balls and our pubes getting all mashed up and tangled. But I guess we’re even, since your jism launch ended up in my beard.” It would be tough to LOL about that. That’s why I think Jesus and I have a lot in common. We’re both hopeless romantics.
May you go in peace.
Boston, MA – Jesus F. Christ is up to his old tricks again. Slaying audiences all over the country and keeping his groupies amused by shaving his pubes into the shape of a mistletoe. He’s one of those dudes that has no “off” switch. Anyway, not to brag, but our Jesus Christ videos have over 4,000 views, just 996,000 views shy of being an internet sensation. Take our simple poll to decide Jesus’ fate. His comedy fate, not his fate fate. That one was already decided by meanies.
Boston, MA and Los Angeles, CA and Heaven – Merry Christmas! Hopefully you spent the morning celebrating the birth of Christ by opening unnecessary material goods. Jesus hit a bit of a comedy roadblock at the stroke of midnight last night, bombing in front of a live audience at The Comedy Store in Los Angeles. Viewer discretion is advised, and you may need to provide your own laugh track. Remember, he’s a little bit rusty, and we’re not just talking about his wrists and ankles.
Boston, MA – Hallelujah to all of you. By now, you’re no doubt aware that Jesus F’ng Christ is back with a vengeance. First, he opened for Dave Attell. Then he did the Top Ten Jerry Sandusky pick-up lines on Letterman. Then he did his thang at the Apollo where he absolutely slayed. Now catch Jesus being interviewed by Oprah. Just another day in the life of the Messiah.
Boston, MA – We haven’t seen a comeback like this in show business since Quentin Tarantino dug up the corpse of Vinnie Barbarino for “Pulp Fiction.” Jesus Christ continues on the comedy warpath, taking Boston’s Wilbur Theater by storm, smashing pussy backstage and getting blajoejays from the worst Bostonians of all, uppity BU clams. Then he delivered the Top Ten Jerry Sandusky pick-up lines on The Late Show, with everyone’s favorite $25 million a year robot, David Letterman. Now he’s performing at Harlem’s famed Apollo Theater. In a resurrection/ascent to heaven pun too delicious to ignore, this is the perfect opportunity to tell you to catch this rising star.
Boston, MA – Rumors that Jesus Christ will perform at Boston’s famed Wilbur Theater have been swirling around the Hub for several weeks. Well, it appears the rumors are true, because Wicked Improper has obtained a bootlegged copy of Jesus warming up the crowd before Dave Attell took the stage last night. The first indication that Jesus was in the house was when the host introduced him by telling the crowd “This next guy coming to the stage plays clubs, colleges, and churches all over the world. He’s the only comic I know that has a flavorless wafer made out of his body. Do me a favor and give a big round of applause, otherwise we’ll all burn in hell, for the one, the only, Jesus H. Christ!”
The Vatican, Rome (A Disney Company) – Well, I spent last week in Italy with my lovely wife, the shoppenomically gifted Mrs. Munson. After visiting Florence, and seeing the Statue of David and the statue of his less-talked about dropout of a brother, Pete, we decided to visit the birthplace of fiction, the Vatican. The Vatican shakes down tourists daily to the tune of $1 million, and before you say “holy fucking shit that’s $365 million a year”, don’t bother, because they’re closed on Monday’s to count and split up the dough.
Some of you may not know that the Sistine Chapel was painted by Sir Cocksalot himself, Michelangelo. While the Vatican was pleased Michelangelo accepted their offer to paint the chapel, they voted against his original titles of “Dicks All Over Your Ceiling” and “2 Apostles 1 Cup.” His third title “It’s Raining Men” was unanimously accepted, until the Vatican received a cease and desist letter from the lowliest of creatures, an attorney, on behalf of the original artists of that song. They finally settled on “The Last Judgment”, and there are 4 miles, literally, of gift shops along the tour where you can buy a replica in postcard or keychain form. While they try to preserve the authenticity of that room, I whispered to one of the guards “This would be a great place for a Stick-up”, but had to explain by whisper again that I meant a nice lemon scented odor-eating dispenser from Glade, and not an armed robbery.
My favorite part of the Vatican was the delicious irony of watching the security guards tip each other off with signals whenever a hot broad was walking by. Even though it wasn’t in the brochure, apparently part of the tour includes watching Mrs. Munson get eye-nailed by every male employee at the Vatican. I asked her if she felt like an altar boy in Boston in the 70′s and 80′s (and probably 10′s through 60′s and 90′s through current) but she claimed that she was too busy giving a shit about the paintings. If there’s one thing I learned about art during my trip, it’s that whether a painting was done last week, or 900 years ago, it’s almost impossible to feign interest either way. If you want me to look at your painting, their has to be a hidden riddle or boobers on there. Good ones, too, not flapjacks or ones that look like they’re not fully developed.
Finally, the tour of all the gift shops isn’t over until you exit down the spiral ramp, symbolic of the Vatican flushing you down its’ shitter and spitting you back out into the streets of Rome. For one brief spiritual moment, I thought the hand of god was reaching out to touch me, but then I realized I being swarmed by Pakistani street vendors who are clearly fencing stolen goods in broad daylight. Unlike The DaVinci Code, one does not need their PhD in Symbolism to decipher this sign upon exiting:
“Thank you for visiting, your patronage keeps this whole story alive.”
Bethlehem, Jerusalemsville – Jesus spent the first 12 years of his life trying to make sense of everyone’s favorite book, the Holy Bible. By the time he turned 13, he had discovered that alcohol gave him the courage to do things like dance, talk to chicks, and steal copper tubing from local construction sites. Jesus began going to parties and drinking to excess, getting two chariot related DUI’s in the span of 5 months. He was getting laid on the reg, and started living up to his nickname, Sir Beavs-a-lot. Jesus was getting so much pussy that when he walked by you in a restaurant, you’d swear your baked haddock was going to arrive. ”Oh, here comes my baked…oh, no, there goes Jesus again.” Even though this was the time before online porn, he began getting desensitized to the needs of women, such as romance, money, ballet flats (awful), “redecorating” every 2 years, etc. He became a womanizer, and if you gave him no for an answer, he would threaten to have God send you to hell, even though there’s no proof that either of those exist.
Unfortunately, TMZ didn’t exist 2,000 years ago, so we had to create our series ”Jesus: The Early Years”, a Wicked Improper Production, based on some early writings we found about Jesus’ behavior. In episode one, we find a clearly inebriated Jesus using the gift of gab in an attempt to score yet another piece of Bethlehem poontanna. Viewer discretion is advised.
Bethlehem, Jewtonsville – By his late teens, Jesus had become somewhat of a jedi master at knowing when to pull out, unlike Justin Bieber. The “blast du jour” around Bethlehem had been to withdraw and issue a facial while trying to capture it on the iPhone 4s. Jesus was not yet into degrading or dominating women (that would come later), so he always opted to launch into a nearby flower pot, or call out “robe shot!” and destroy one garment or another. He also had a habit of sometimes tensing every muscle in his face and body, opting to hold it in. His doctors told him that holding back sneezes or loads was bad for him, however, it did help them explain why Jesus’ natural musk smelled of a chlorine pool.
Although Jesus’ friends were carelessly impregnating women that were in Bethlehem illegally, he himself was not ready for kids. Not only were his friends responsible for child support with limited visitation rights, but in order to communicate with their children and mothers, they would need to take a crash course in Spanish. In the meantime, the women continued popping out babies to take advantage of government assistance, as if it was their own personal money pinata. Jesus saw the writing on the wall. Literally, someone wrote “If we keep having babies, we’re going to overpopulate Jewtonsville” on a nearby WalMart. God would later tell Jesus “Hey, if you think 250,000 people is a lot, wait until you see me turn this shit up to a billion people, or more. Everything we once cherished, like farms, water, the HBO Original series, all of that will be compromised and the earth, as we know it, will be in danger.”
Jesus: “But Father, why do you want to see the planet become overpopulated?”
God: “Kinda bored, actually. I want to sit back and watch all fucking hell break loose. Who said that, John McLean in ‘Die Hard’ or Arnold in ‘The Terminator?’ I don’t remember, I’ll Google it. Anyway, yeah, I want to see how humans behave when there’s no more room for anyone and all of their resources are gone. Hey, have you seen the shitpipe on BiBi Jones? (whistle!) Boy oh boy, I can’t wait to show her the VIP room, if you catch my drift.”
And that’s the story of how we got to 7 billion people, and counting.
May you go in peace,
p.s. Image of BiBi Jones NSFW and NSFH (heaven)
Welcome to Sunday Mass at Wickedimproper.com. You may be seated. Now stand up and listen to a 30 second song of nonsense. Now sit back down. Now stand back up. Now shake hands with 8 strangers and say “peace be with you” and spread germs and saliva and god knows what else. Now eat this horrible wafer. Then silently say to yourself ”oh, would you shut the fuck up” about the person that sings the loudest because they want to prove to everyone that they know the words. Let’s get to the good news we’ve all been waiting for. Jesus H. Christ (a.k.a Jesus Fuckin’ Christ, and Jesus Mary Mother of Joseph, which makes no sense at all) has told our sources that he plans to come back, because he wants to try Angry Birds on the iPad 2, but also under the condition that Bibi Jones agrees to have sex with him. Said Jesus “I can’t believe all the poontanna that’s traipsing around the Earth. When I was down there, the broads were all wearing robes and smelled like donkey shit. Still, any canvas tent in the storm, right?”
Jesus had been accused of doing P90X or Insanity to stay in good shape, but, he insists “Uh, no, did you know you can also get abs by not eating for three weeks while you’re nailed to a post? I also lost calories by spitting at crows that were trying to peck at my balls.”
Jesus, who rarely tweets (but follows BiBi on Twitter), hopes to use his famous one liners, such as ”Hey, what’s up, I’m Jesus”, “You want me to call my Dad and start a Tsunami?”, and “If you play your cards right, you might get to put your mouth on the 13th disciple” to snag what is obviously now the hottest chick on the planet in BiBi Jones. BiBi Jones, who does the world a service by tweeting pictures of herself constantly, is an admitted Patriots fan who may not even know who Jesus is because of her busy schedule.
Jesus plans to call his return “The ResErection Tour”, and his first stop is in BiBi Jones’ poontanna. The question is, is it open for holy business?
Follow BiBi Jones on Twitter here: xxxbibijones
Follow Jesus Christ on Twitter here: jesushchrist
Bethlehem, Jewiston – With the miraculous birth of Jesus H. Christ drawing near, people were aware the Three Wise Men were making their way across the desert with presents. This act of gift giving would go on (and on, and on) for generations, and eventually would be the cause of malls springing up all over the god damn place. The Wise Men rode through the Sahara on camels, and as you can imagine, not only were their lips all chapped up and their eyelids burned from the sun, but their balls and taints were all mashed up from all of that trekking. It seems like riding a camel would be fun for about 6 minutes, but after 1,700 miles bouncing up and down and listening to those things grunt and take dumps, the Wise Men probably wish they had just checked out Jetblue.com.
The Wise Men were named Julio, Kenneth, and Gabriel, and they all had similar interests, like fabric, shabby chic magazines, P-town, Anderson Cooper, and stacking. Stacking (a.k.a. Triple Decking, The Tri-Tower, Three Story Meat House, Gannip Ganerkle, among others) was the act of love-make with Julio on bottom (he liked to get his way), Kenneth in the middle, and Gabriel on top, who was also responsible to keep lookout. It’s hard to imagine them doing this and the smell in that tent, but stacking did help them get through those long, dry nights in the desert when you’re like “lol, am I seeing a mirage, or is Gabriel’s dick on Julio’s face?” and then all hell breaks loose.
When the Wise Men showed up with their gifts, people noticed Kenneth had developed quite a limp, and all three of their robes were pretty stained up. Still, it was the kind of thing you kept quiet back in those days, even though Julio was out in the open after coming out of the tent back in ’01. People would ask if they enjoyed their journey, and Julio would say “Sugar, you KNOW I’m going to enjoy 1,700 miles of dick with these two.” Still, people thought he was being sarcastic even though he offered to show them pictures on his iPhone 4s.
May you go in peace,
It was early Sunday morning, and Jesus had been laying on his back, looking down the bridge of his nose and picking through his beard, trying to remove any loose pubes from the previous nights festivities. By now, his diciples had all become accustomed to spending long, wild evenings at J’s place. Of course, although there were 12 diciples, several hundreds of grubby hangers-on with no direction would lay around his compound, in sloppily built lean-to’s, looking for free soup or blow. The group became known as Occupy Bethlehem, and everyone hated them.
Jesus was known around town as a below average carpenter but a hard worker. In those days, there were only two ways to make money: Swing a hammer, or give out “blajoejays” (blowjobs) down at the park. He wasn’t opting for number two unless he lost both arms in a horrible cross building accident. He hated to think about such accidents, but were it to happen, he supposed he would be most upset at never being able to pinata again. Ironically, one day, Jesus became aware that he was building his own cross. You’d think with that kind of knowledge in advance, you wouldn’t build one so sturdy, or may have included a hidden compartment where you could hide a gun, ten grand, and a phony passport. Unfortunately for Jesus, he wasn’t uber-intelligent, like Jack Bauer or Alex Trebek.
He collected his diciples for a quick meeting and said “We need to do something about these Occupy Bethlehem assholes. They’re glomming onto our success and telling broads that they’re part of a movement, all for the sake of plunging into poontanna. And you guys thought I despised the Guatemalans and Mexicans for hanging around the hardware stores looking for work? They’re under cutting us on labor costs, they don’t take smoke breaks, and they work until sundown. At least they have some fucking work ethic. It’s 7am on a Sunday and the parking lot at Home Depot looks like a Los Lonely Boys concert. Everyone get out of my site and do not return without a plan for erradicating those shitbags.”
Jesus stood on his balcony, closed his eyes and looked upwards towards heaven and took a deep breath. He could smell the flowers, the fruit, and the mackerel from the market below. Once he realized there were no fish that day, he said “I have to shave this god damn beard.”
And then Jesus said to the Corinthians “Hey, I heard you Guineas might be looking for someone to work in your leather shop.” The Corinthians, who by then were famous for their rich Corinthian leather, were not saddled with pesky regulations and protests from PETA, so they were free to rip the flesh from cows and dry the skins to make chaps, Fonzi jackets and sectionals. They told Jesus they didn’t want to hire “no stinking hippies” because even though he had a reputation as an okay carpenter (with, ahem, two chariot related DUI’s), he had the appearance of a smelly layabout. In fact, it was Jesus who first told his boss while building huts “I’m not gonna work straight through the entire day. This is some bullshit up in here, motherfuckers need a break. I’ll be back after I go have a smoke and grab a Dunkin’s, you guys keep hammering.” The other employees all cheered “Amen” in unison like programmed sheep, and thus, the 15 minute break and a religion were born. May you go in peace.
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