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Griffon Vultures Ruin A Woman’s Hike After She Herself Had Already Ruined It By Falling 1,000 Feet

"Griffon Vultures 1, Fallen Hiker 0"

France – A hiker who plunged 1,000 feet to her death was eaten by Griffon vultures before she could be rescued. The 52-year-old’s bones, clothes and shoes were all that remained after being pounced on by the scavengers in the French/Spanish Pyrenees mountain range. They devoured her body in just 40 minutes. The woman is believed to have died during the April 14 fall, rather than from being attacked by the birds.

Boston, MA (and in the Pyrenees, France where Lance Armstrong won his Tour de France’s with one ball and wildebeest blood in his veins) – Well, I guess this hiker didn’t see the signs about not feeding the wildlife. Anyway, what’s the last thing you want to hear after you’ve fallen 1,000 feet? If you said “A dozen Griffon vultures going “CAW! CAW!” as they circle my broken body” you were right! Griffon vultures are known to have razor sharp talons and beaks they use to crack open shellfish and coconuts. If you close your eyes right now (but somehow keep reading this), imagine the sensation of falling 1,000 feet to what you think is going to be your instant death. But no. Griffa please! The first thing you feel is simultaneously breaking every bone in your body. Try to make light of the situation by singing “The head bone connected to the, neck bone, the neck bone connected to the, shoulder bone” and so on, but with the understanding that nothing is no longer connected. The next sensation you feel is a delusional one, and it’s a genetic defense mechanism all human’s have that says, and you’ll forgive me for not having the medical term handy, but basically, “Hey, maybe shit gonna a’ight.” The third and final sensation you’ll ever feel is one of false hope, and what you think are shadows from the rotating propeller blades of a Red Cross helicopter coming to save you are really the shadows of 70 Griffon Vultures coming to peck your dick off.

Immediate Death Penalty!

"Onil Castro, Ariel Castro, Pedro Castro. (not shown: Fidel Castro)"

Boston, MA – Hola! Here are the Brothers’ Castro of Cleveland, Ohio, who allegedly but almost certainly held three young women against their will for a decade. Ariel Castro (pictured above, center) was allegedly the ringleader. Isn’t that always the way, that the good looking one is the mastermind? He kind of reminds me of Antonio Banderas, if Antonio Banderas spent his entire life subsisting on deep fried plantains. The other two look like if Edward James Olmos was a siamese twin that got ripped in half. It appears these guys also visit the same barbershop, BuenoCuts.

Anyway, by now, you’ve heard this story out of Cleveland: Three smelly looking and wicked horny Puerto Ricans abduct three young girls at different times and kept them locked up in a house for up to 10 years. The details that emerge over the next few days (i.e. that Ariel got one of his captives pregnant and delivered the baby in la casita, probably forcing them to listen to Menudo, etc.) are going to turn your god damned stomach. Therefore, we are calling for an immediate death penalty for these three pinata hitters. Please note: Your vote doesn’t really send someone to the electric chair, but it’s still fun to click on buttons and wonder “what if?” As an added bonus, please watch the Songified Charles Ramsey Hero video once you’ve cast your vote below. That shit is my Summer Jam.

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(Thanks to Sully and Curley for the Vid)

Susannah Collins, Just Talkin’ ‘Bout Huge Black Cocks In The Aftermath Of A Lesbian Romp In The Hay

This one is for WI reader Claude Julien and his very specfic request which you can revisit right here.

She got fired for this? I don’t see what the big deal is, but this is tremendous* news: it means she’s available to come over to Wicked Improper for newscasts and guest posts!

(Martin?)

Plane Goes Down In Afghanistan

Boston, MA and Afghanistan (where this actually happened) – Well, this video is proof that even if you anticipate a plane crash, you can’t jump out at the very last second and stick the landing like Bugs Bunny.

This is not a fun video, but as someone that’s fascinated by accidents, I felt like it should be shared. If you have a flight coming up, like, ever, probably don’t watch this.

Indian Guy Crosses A River On A Zip Line While Hanging By His Ponytail But (Spoiler) Doesn’t Live To Tell About It

"Hello, you've reached Sailendra, sorry I missed your call but I hung myself"

India I Guess – An Indian stuntman attempting to break a world record by crossing a river on a zip-line — while hanging by his ponytail — died while performing the feat Sunday. Police officer Sailendra Nath Roy, 49, apparently had a heart attack as a result of zip-lining on a wire suspended nearly 600 feet in the air across the River Teesta in West Bengal, India, according to a Sky News report. Roy holds the Guinness World Record for covering the longest distance on a zip-line while hanging by his hair. Roy’s shoulder-length hair was attached to a pulley on a wire, and he had completed about half the distance when he suddenly stopped. As a crowd looked on in horror, Roy became entangled and could no longer propel himself forward. “Roy tried frantically to get hold of a second rope to reach the finishing point,” senior police officer K Jayaraman told Sky. After several minutes, Roy stopped moving and was eventually rescued. No medical personnel or ambulance was present during the stunt. He was admitted to a nearby hospital, but was declared dead by doctors after a suspected heart attack. Roy achieved the Guinness World Record after covering 271 feet on a zip-line while attached by his hair in 2011 in Rajasthan, India. He also used his hair to drag a train on the Darjeeling Himalayan Railway. Roy’s younger brother Benoy, who was watching the stunt, said, “We were proud of his bravery.”

Taking some liberties with the verb “rescued” I see. Sorry to split hairs (sure, pun intended) but you don’t get to claim you rescued someone unless they’re still alive afterward. Anyone can drag a dead body into a van. They’re also taking liberties with what this blogger would consider to be a “zip-line.” To me, a zip-line is when you hang on for dear life to some fucking greased-up pulley from Point A, then “zip” down a wire (i.e. the line) to Point B. This guy didn’t “zip” anywhere. He goes hand over hand across a Verizon cable while his fucking pony tail is wrapped around it. Shame on Sailendra Nath Roy for not leaving well enough alone when he already held the previously pointless record of 271 feet. Shame on you Sailendra. Do not RIP. What you did was selfish, all to probably gain even more attention to procure some of that loose Persian beaver that West Bengal, India is known for. I mean, ten thousand people showed up for this bullshit like this guy is some kind of Evel Sanjay Knievel. Epic Ponytail Fail.

To watch Sailendra “endra” his life during the worst so-called stunt you’ve ever seen, click play below. If you don’t want to watch it, just picture someone struggling to hang onto a wire, probably wetting his pants, and then being hung by what is widely considered to be the worst hairstyle in the history of mankind while there is no one around to truly rescue him, thanks to an unplanned (not to mention probably unsanctioned) stunt. Also, picture 10,000 people with nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon than watch some unwashed, narcissistic hippie shimmy his way across a river. Speaking of that:

Q: Why did Sailendra cross the river on a zip-line using his ponytail?

A: We’ll never know.

Please Fly Your Zippers At Half Mast Tonight

"Goodnight Sweet Princess"

Boston, MA and I think England or Australia or whatever – Gentlemen, please fly your zippers at half mast this evening as the death of Divinyls singer Christina Amphlett rocks this blogger’s world to its’ very foundation. The year was 1991, and the release of the hit single “I Touch Myself”, accompanied by the video (below) swept the entire world of its’ feet. When you think of the not so hidden message in that song (i.e. “everyone jerk off”), it’s a surprise to this blogger that 3 billion guys all beating off to this video at the exact same time didn’t throw the Earth off it’s axis. When the video came out, I was 20 years old (gasp!) and, depending on who you ask, a 7 or maybe 8 year veteran of whack. But neither my eyes nor my right hand had seen breasts so spectacular since I tried to fake sick monday through friday during high school to watch Dian Parkinson on The Price is Right. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oinggggggg!!!! Really tremendous. Looking back, I feel bad for my parents as I think we went through 4 or 5 sets of drapes during my discovery years.

RIP Christina. Like you, I touch myself. We all do. Some of us just don’t talk about it because “it’s private” even though the same people who say that want to tell me about their finances and other bullshit. RIP, I will see those globes in heaven.

(Side note and kinda rhetorical: Do breast implants make the trip to heaven? Or will women be encouraged by the media to get enhancements there as well? I hadn’t thought of that until now. Hard to believe there could be flat chested women in heaven. That doesn’t sound like a heaven I want to go to.)

Sunil Tripathi’s Body Found In Providence River

"It wasn't me and now it's too late for you to apologize"

Boston, MA – Please do not let the title of this blog fool you, he was not rafting. Unfortunately, Sunil Tripathi has been found dead, roughly a week after the entire world briefly thought, thanks to false reports and online witch hunts, that he was responsible for the Boston Marathon bombings (which happened last Monday right near the finish line.) Sunil was a Brown University student and, well, I don’t want this to turn into a blog about Ben Affleck, but Brown University is giving him an honorary doctorate! Congratulations Ben! The Ivy league University will be giving Ben a doctorate in Fine Arts! Their decision to give Ben this honor was based on the overwhelming success of “Argo”, and not Armageddon, Paycheck, Gigli, Dogma, The Company Men, The Town (spare me), Daredevil, etc., etc., etFc. All of these recent accolades are ‘almost’ enough to make you forget that he used to throttle it in and out of Gwyneth Paltrow. As you probably know by now, People Magazine has voted her “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World”, which is an outrage. For starters (and finishers?), I think she is an A cup at best. Yes, she named her kids Apple and Moses. Yes, she’s a country singer. Yes, she writes children’s books and cookbooks. That’s all fine and dandy, but it all comes down to “can you flume it?”, and no, I think the honest to goodness answer is, no, you cannot flume A cups and achieve climax unless you are also willing to pin your shaft down using your thumbs. Pretty face? Yes. Most beautiful woman in the world? Not with those flapjacks, you’re not.

"Sorry you have to keep hearing about me"

And Here Is A Photo Which I Do Believe

The Happy Couple!

NY Post: It has been reported that Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus have split. The news comes as the 20-year-old Hannah Montana star had previously insisted that she and her fiance, 23, were still together. But sources have told the New York Post’s Page Six that the couple have called time on their relationship.

I derive no joy in telling you that I told you so. But I did.

RIP Jerry Buss

"How much time needs to pass before we call your dad's bank?"

Boston, MA – Lakers owner Jerry Buss stole the spotlight from Mindy McCready and President’s Day today, going to that big Technical Foul in the sky at the overly ripe age of 80. The internet has become overwhelmed with celebrity condolences, RIP messages from commoners (that will never be read by anyone, let alone Jerry), and of course, jokes. One example: What mode of public transportation is most likely to break down during your commute? The Jerry Buss.

Jerry is survived by too many people you’ve never heard of before to bother listing them all, as well as a preposterous combover. Hopefully, Jerry had his affairs in order by hiring someone to erase his browser history, as well as discard any rubber pussies he may have had laying around.

RIP Jerry. Safe rise up to heaven. Try to keep your dick out of Anna Nicole until I get there.

"Daddy! I'm modeling!"

Thanks to C-Crews for the pic!

Nike: Just A Really Classy, Classy Operation

One presumes they mean "Just Go For a Run" and not "Just Go Kill Your SO..."

By being arrested for killing his model girlfriend (and we don’t mean “perfect” girlfriend but girlfriend who is – heh, sorry, “was” - a smoking hot model) he joins Nike’s esteemed group of ALLEGED cheaters, murderers, and dog killers who are proud to bear the Swoosh (tm I think): Apolo Ohno, Lance Armstrong, Michael Vick, and now South African olympic bouncer Oscar Pistorius, who was arrested this week for shooting his girlfriend dead while in his apartment. I wonder what the gun regs are like in South Africa. Anyway, RIP, Reeva Steencamp, we ‘ardly knew ye’:

Yes.

YES.

Yes, of course. But is this even her?

Monday Dickhead, aka “Most Patient Man In America,” Arrested For Finally Losing His Cool And Killing His Wife

"Hahaha! I'm free!!! Wait a sec. Why am I still awake?"

CBS: A 93-year-old Kansas City man has been charged with killing his 95-year-old wife in what investigators are calling a homicide and attempted suicide. Police have not said how Grace Irwin died. Paramedics who were called to the couple’s home around 6:30 a.m. Wednesday found her in bed, with blood on her head.

A paramedic told police Harry Irwin was unresponsive in a chair, with blood on his shirt and arms. The paramedic says Irwin regained consciousness and said he had killed his wife and himself, then asked, “Why am I awake?”

According to The Kansas City Star, court records state that Harry Irwin – who was married for 70 years to Grace Irwin – [said] he killed his wife because “she was arguing and screaming at him all night and he couldn’t take it anymore.”

Well, Harry, you’re awake because you’re a f-ing idiot when it comes to hari kari. I guess if there’s one thing Grace was right about, it’s that you’re a lazy son of a bitch who doesn’t follow through on his responsibilities. She might have been a nag for SEVEN DECADES, but that doesn’t mean she was wrong about you, you good for nothing bastard you.

Steve Irwin Was A God Damned Warning To Us All

I know we all have our panties in a bunch about how dangerous guns are, but I think we might be taking our eyes off the ball a little. I don’t want to be an alarmist, but we are all going to die immediately at the hands of the fucking (spelled out this time ’cause I’m serious) animal kingdom. Here is a sampling of headlines from the last few days:

1. Insane Probably Rabid Dolphins Stampede Boat Like A Herd Of Wild Horses

2. KRAKEN WAKES!

3. T-Rex Of The Seas Found And Wants To Eat Your Babies

4. Flesh Eating Shark-Toothed Bird Roams Wild

5. Giant Fucking Fish Grabs Man’s Arm, Nearly Takes Him Down To A Watery Death

A KRAKEN?! We’re dead. We’re dead. I’ll think the Late Great Bill Paxton summed it up best.

Breaking: Taylor Swift Gins Up Another Reason To Rub The Rest Of Country Music’s Dick In The Dirt

That's not a chick. (on left) (your left)

You heard it here first (because you don’t pay attention): Taylor Swift is ~~working on a new album~~ breaking up with her latest fling, who’s name is “Harry” I guess, but who looks scandalously similar to Samantha Ronson if you know what I mean (no judgment, eat from both sides of the buffet all you want). Nashville might as well shut down for the year and let Taylor get it out of her system, because it’s over for those poor bastards. Although, if the rumor of her being gay are true, then the result might be some pretty avant garde sh1t, but we’ll just have to wait and see like every other 12-year old girl in America. The only person to get further on her relationships than Taylor was Salma Hayek, and Salma, as we all know (wink wink) had some help in other areas as well.

Meanwhile Taylor will go on wrecking dicks and writing albums that you will be powerless to avoid. Her list of famous people is longer than Clooney’s. (But not Jeter’s… Yet!)

Jake Gyllenhaal

Joe Jonas

John Mayer

Taylor Lautner

Conor “My Turn For Senator Comes In 2025″ Kennedy

Samantha Ronson Harry Something Feminine/English

This Holiday Season, Let’s Watch A Child Go Off A Cliff In A Wheelchair

(Disclaimer: Wicked Improper not responsible for tears of sadness (or joy.) Wicked Improper laughed pretty hard when the handbrake snaps off. Wicked Improper somewhat pleased to report no one was hurt during filming, with the exception of theater goers who actually paid to see this piece of rubbish. Wicked Improper wishes Mommy’s robe had fallen open. Wicked Improper having difficulty accepting a plot line that contains someone surviving a 12 story drop. Wicked Improper advises you not to attempt this stunt without proper supervision unless the goal is to end your life. Wicked Improper surprised Steven Spielberg didn’t sue over this obvious “E.T.” ripoff, but then Wicked Improper realizes it must not have made enough at the Box Office to be worth his time. Wicked Improper to stop using sentences that start or end with Wicked Improper. Thanks. Follow @wickedimproper on Twitter)

Let’s Just Watch Car Accidents All Day Long

Here you go.

Boston Braces For A Nor’Easter!

Boston, MA (home of people bitching about the weather literally year round even though they’ve chosen to live their lives here) – Good morning, everyone! What a whirlwind of an election season, huh? It snuck right up on us. Obama won, Elizabeth Warren (I would!) won, Joe “I didn’t campaign” Kennedy won, but here are a couple of interesting outcomes for MA: You do not have the right for Physician assisted suicide. I guess that means you’ll just have to kill yourself the old fashioned way: With no ones permission but your own! I am certainly pro-suicide. If you want to end it because you’re not doing anything productive for humanity, such as you’re in the paparazzi with TMZ and you hate yourself even though the money is good, please go right ahead and do so. We’re overpopulated as it is. All we ask is that you don’t fuck up the morning commute. Do it somewhere that requires minimal clean-up and onlooker horror. Everyone wants to know what it feels like to fly, right? So jump off the Sagamore Bridge and flap your arms for 45 seconds. Also, it looks like we’ll have medical marijuana up in here. This won’t make much of a difference as you can get pot anywhere, anytime (just ask Boston Sean), but the government is finally waking up to the fact that marijuana is not going away, so they may as well make money from it.

Anyway, we could receive up to one inch of snow this evening, so you know what that means: PANIC! Better go out and get milk, bread, and eggs in case you have to batten down the hatches and make epic proportions of French Toast to survive. Tonight, the plan for Mrs. Munson and I will be to cuddle up on the couch and watch the alternate ending of “Marley and Me” on Blu-Ray. In this version, Marley drives Owen Wilson down to the vet and they cremate him while he’s alive.

(Wicked Improper Weather Alert: Watch out for black ice!)

"This is just a dramatization"

Worst Place For A Road, Ever

Boston, MA – Are you dicking me with this road right in front of the runway? Who signed off on the construction of a road directly in the path of where planes land? There’s not even a light or a stop sign. They just painted “Stop” on the ground and then I guess it’s up to the driver to look both ways for fucking planes before crossing. The news anchor is like “This crash is bringing up new attention to a safety concern there.” New attention? A safety concern? Someone built a god damn road on the edge of the tarmac! I could see a road that maybe ran parallel to the runway, that way you and your buddies could get drunk and race your cars along with the planes, but what they’ve constructed is essentially an intersection of death. The good news for the pilot, who just so happens to be a brother, is that even though he had that shit coming in sideways like a new pilot for Southwest, the asshole in the Volvo SUV clearly rolls through the stop sign. There goes your lawsuit, Yuppie. I kind of want to be a fly on the wall when the guy driving the SUV gets a call from his insurance company about how his premium is going from $1,000 a year to $12,000, due to “that time you crashed that guys’ fucking airplane.” In closing, if your first solo flight ends with your landing gear being ripped off by the negligence of entitled white people, maybe it’s time for a new hobby.

p.s. I have no idea why the video contains a cartoon princess in the top left corner and then a little asshole crying at the top right.