Maybe Wicked Improper should start awarding class credits…
Maybe Wicked Improper should start awarding class credits…
Jay kay guys, jay kay. But if Martin or I do win the lottery tonight, you’re going to see one of two things: Either we’re closing and moving to Costa Rica or we’re turning Wicked Improper into an all-celebrity porn site, pronto.
Ordinarily I only buy a ticket if I want a half hour to daydream about winning. I know I’m not going to win but I buy a ticket to escape for a short while. Kind of like buying a ticket to a movie. Do I understand that there is no f-ing way that Katherine Heigl would get drunk and f*ck that curly haired guy from Green Hornet? Of course, but it’s nice to escape cold hard reality once in a while. Guys, in real life, those football players would’ve gang raped Lucas with a broom handle, and you know it.
Boston, MA – There’s not much else to say but “LOL”, “OMG” and “FROZEN H2O.”
Boston, MA – Got a flight planned with American Airlines? Safe travels! I know you thought airline jokes and my flat-top went out with Sinbad in the 80′s, but how can we resist? Don’t hate the airplane joke teller, hate the airplane joke teller game.
“We are American Airlines. Don’t bother buckling up for safety, the seats aren’t bolted to the floor. Would you like a headset for $6?”
“What’s the last thing you want to hear an American Airlines pilot say? You are now free to move about the cabin.”
“You may as well buy tickets for coach when you fly American because your seats may ‘end up’ in first class.”
“Did you know you can also join the Mile High club by simply getting a hooker in Denver?”
“This has a bit of math involved, but, if two midgets do 69, come on, shouldn’t we call that 34.5?”
That last one has nothing to do with aviation. Go ahead and make your own joke in our comment section!
Boston, MA – If you can get past the predictable jokes and canned laughter and the 18 minutes of borderline substance with 12 minutes of commercial rubbish, you may actually enjoy this show. Honestly, if this chick ever wins an Emmy, they are going to have to give her two trophies.
“2 Broke Girls”, Starring Kat Dennings!
Also starring Beth Behrs.
Boston, MA – Add “jetski rental” to the list of things that suck to do while on vacation. Mrs. Munson is a huge fan of the excursion, and here’s how we’ve fared over the years of doing them.
1. Swim with the Dolphins! ($100 each). Awful. The dolphins are basically robots that are trained to drag you around the pool in return for minnow treats. My dolphin must have been extra hungry or something, because his dorsal fin came up and donkey kicked my balls, forcing me to ingest a gallon of Dominican pool water while trying to catch my breath. You can only brush your teeth so many times before you finally resign yourself to the fact you have probably just drank AIDS.
2. Swim with the Stingrays! ($95 each). This was before that Australian dickhead was swimming where he didn’t belong, saying shit like “isn’t she gorgeous?” just before he got harpooned to death by that stingray, otherwise I wouldn’t have agreed to this bullshit. It probably would have been a great way to connect with Mother Nature and made for a better story if Mrs. Munson didn’t start freaking out and jump into my arms while she was screaming. I ended up almost dying because it was choppy as shit out and she was doing whatever it took to stay afloat, including but not limited to stuffing my fucking head under water. Total elapsed time of fun? 0:00:00. Total ingested Grand Cayman seawater/boat fuel? One quart. Net loss? $190
3. Booze Cruise ($50 each). This one I liked.
Anyway, not to shoot spoilers all over your face, but wait until you see this fucking idiot try to park his jetski. It came as no surprise to this blogger that the driver is….drumroll….Asian! Nothing against Asians, you guys are always casually smiling about stuff, whether it’s the time you almost died when that power plant shit the bed after the tsunami, or when you’re cutting heads off dolphins to make fake tuna.
“性交の方法を取得してください!” – (loose translation) “Rook out motherfuckers!”
Boston, MA and Canada – Many, many, many months ago, we posted pictures of Elisabetta Fantone (not to be confused with the Clooney-dumped, Steve-O dating, media-mongering vampire Elisabetta Canalis) and now she is blowing up all over the god damned world. Perhaps her best trait, besides the acting, the modeling, the critically acclaimed artwork, etFc., is the fact that she’s Canadian (i.e. She’s not a typical, stuck-up American douchebag.)
The question on everyone’s mind, not including my wife, is, “are Martin and Elisabetta a good match?” Well, let’s just review her recent Men’s Fitness questionnaire. We fed her answers into our Wicked Improper dating probability software and you will most likely be shocked with the results.
Men’s Fitness: What is your favorite body part on a man and why?
Elisabetta: “The V-shaped area where the lower abs meet the hip flexors. It’s a turn-on, it’s like a treasure map pointing directly into his pants.”
Wicked Improper Match Likelihood: 0%
Men’s Fitness: How do you prefer a man’s facial hair?
Elisabetta: “I love a man with some stubble. I find it to be such a turn on.”
Wicked Improper Match Likelihood: 100%!! (Martin has stubble all over his body!)
Men’s Fitness: What is your ideal date?
Elisabetta: “I love a first date that involves something fun, new and exciting. But most of all somewhere a great conversation can be held to see if there will be a second date!”
Wicked Improper Match Likelihood: 100%!!! (Martin has been known to whisk women away to the scenic Edaville Railroad for Thomas the Train’s “Mystery on the Rails” adventure. Once in a dark tunnel, Martin often surprises his date with a piece of funnel cake pulled from his pocket. What you think is the sound of water balloons breaking is actually sopping wet panties hitting the floor.)
Men’s Fitness: What can a guy do to win you over?
Elisabetta: “He has to be really funny. If you can make a girl laugh, you have the power to win her over.”
Wicked Improper Match Likelihood: 100% (boing)
Final Results: Martin and Elisabetta are in love! 4-eva! Release the doves!
p.s. Here is a video of Elisabetta drawing a portrait of Lady Gaga. Even though it appears as though she has 6 arms and did a ton of coke, we should point out, due to time constraints, the video has simply been sped up. Click the image below if you’d like to see Elisabetta’s spread (sure, pun intended) in Men’s Fitness.
Boston, MA – Not really in a good mood today. Mrs. Munson’s status is currently set to “not feeling well”, so Martin Munson’s status is naturally set to “tiptoeing the fuck around on eggshells.” Here’s our conversation from this morning.
Martin: (gentle whisper) “You want me to go and get you an iced coffee?”
Mrs. Munson: (not whispering) “No.”
Martin: (gentle whisper) “You want me to make your lunch, baby? How about that, huh?”
Mrs. Munson: (still not whispering) “No.”
Martin: (still whispering, but naturally losing patience) “How about a quick back rub, even though I’m going to be late for work?”
Mrs. Munson: (not getting the whole “soothing whisper” thing) “No, thank you, but that wouldn’t help.”
Martin: (No longer whispering) “Okay. I wish there was something I could do (sympathetic head-shake followed by fake sigh.) Okay, well, have a couple of Advil and get some rest.” (guy translation: “I am getting the fuck out of here.”)
Please click “Like” at the bottom if you would either like to send Mrs. Munson a “get well soon” wish, or if you’d prefer to send condolences to my dick. I kind of want to send something to her office to cheer her up, but I don’t think they make helium balloons in the shape of a happy vagina. Anyway, with my bad mood comes projection, or deflection, or whatever a shrink would call it if you soothe your own pain by immediately insulting another human being.
Boston, MA – By now, it’s no secret that I know some talented people. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m friends with an award-winning, world famous cartoonist who is such a big deal that he’s literally signing titties at Comic-Con in San Diego at this very moment. Out of respect for our friendship, and his profession, he asked that I not use his name in our infantile, off-colored blog, so he shall unfortunately remain nameless for the time being (it’s Dan Piraro, of “Bizarro.”) From there, the talent pool among my friends admittedly gets a bit thin. Yeah, a few of my buddies would knock your dick in the dirt in beer pong. My friend Curley will drop pitching wedge approaches all over the green with the same finesse and accuracy of Ron Jeremy making it rain. But now, a friend of a friend of a friend’s friend, Tim Nihan of Pipe Dream Music comes out and drops this musical bomb right on your dick. Kaboom. “Playa Shit”, featuring Mikey T and Top Billion, is the kind of song that makes me want to roll the windows down in my base-model Camry, cruise down the Mass Pike, and then punch a toll booth employee in the face. Not because the music makes me violent, it’s not like that at all, it’s just that the state promised (lol) the tolls would be removed back in, like, 1987 or some shit. Actually, blogging this reminds me that I should ask Top Billion if he kinda ripped off my rap name “Top Thousand”, but I’ve been focusing my musical efforts on more like laid back R & B. We’re cool provided he doesn’t use any of my dope rhymes, like “them yoga pants, we know, is hidin’ that box, they make my dick twitch like it’s Michael J. Fox.”
Now this begs the question, do I consider myself a musician? I don’t know, you tell me. Here’s an original song about Mother Nature and the glorious gifts she bestows on us, and it’s titled “Jenny Dell From NESN Has Outrageous Gravy Bags.”
Here’s another original song that some of you hopeless romantics may enjoy. It’s a love ballad about a girl I’ve never met named Stacy, and it’s called “Those Three Fucking Idiots From Somerset Tried To Rob A Tanning Salon.”
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a man that fairly soon will no longer need an introduction (and promised to use his royalties to someday buy me a Segway provided I promise not to drive it off a cliff like the dickhead that invented the Segway), Tim Nihan. This jam has Summer 2012 written all over it. Hit play and turn, that, shit, UP.
Boston, MA – For those of you that have never owned a dog, let this be the video that finally convinces you it’s time to rescue a dog from a shelter, or to find one on Google and have it shipped to your doorstep. In a sense, dogs are very much like human beings, and each of them has their own personality. Some will be silly and playful which makes them fun to be around, like a buddy you’d like to have a few beers with. Others won’t listen to a word you say and will behave like obnoxious assholes in public, kind of like most salespeople. Anyway, just like you or I, dogs like to eat, they like to sleep, and they like to rub their balls or vaggies up against stuff.
Please help spread awareness of dog rescue efforts and forward this to everyone in your personal and professional network.
Boston, MA – Remember the days when it was really fun to drunk drive? You’d wake up the next day and see your car parked at a 45 degree angle, 6 feet away from the curb. Your neighbors would call over from their yard “driving drunk again last night?” and you’d go “Ya think? I wonder what gave it away?” and then everyone would “LOL” and go to Kappy’s for more rum? Well, I guess people are still getting shitfaced and driving around, which brings us to Robert Wilkinson of Canada, whose drunken rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody” while in custody is going viral. Some people are claiming it’s a fake, because he’s not cuffed, and the cops let him finish the song without smashing his face with their nightstick. Either way, dude stays totally committed to the song, makes it his own, and even though there were a couple of pitchy parts, you can probably vote by text if you’d like to see him perform again next week.
Now, I am on the record for hating three songs. They are, in particular order, “American Pie”, which is like 9 minutes of pure hell by Don “Play American Pie!” McLean. “Hotel California”, which has been beaten to death almost as much as our coverage of ‘The Somerset Three‘ last week, played by The “Play Hotel California!” Eagles. And finally, “Bohemian Rhapsody”, which goes down in history as one of the best songs ever recorded, however, thanks to “Wayne’s World”, it looped endlessly on rock stations for nearly a half decade and completely ruined its’ artistic integrity. Now, I’ve had conversations with people lately that “didn’t know” Freddy Mercury was gay. Oh, Freddy Mercury was gay alright, and in some Hollywood circles it’s been rumored that when he blew you, he could suck your balls through your dick and spit them into a mason jar to soak while he was doing a Rubik’s Cube behind his back. I know that sound impressive, but he could only solve two sides. But give credit where credit is due, he was a true magician of the penis, a real David Cockerfield, making one after the other disappear and reappear in places you’d least expect. “And what’s this, behind your ear?! Presto!” RIP Freddy, you gave a lot of blowjobs and your dick wore a lot of assholes for a mitten, but eventually that shit is literally going to catch up to you.
Hey, let’s watch the video and vote “Real or Fake?”
I know that most people say Halloween is just an excuse for women to dress up like sluts and
deliver sexual favors to marginal bloggers do things they normally wouldn’t. But that was almost half a year ago, and ’tis the season to break loose again. Santa Claus isn’t watching anymore, he’s on his 10 month coke binge and bangathon through Vegas, Aruba, and Amsterdam. So for all of our female readers, you have Red’s hearty approval to dress up like a wh0re and let loose tomorrow. And tonight. Remember, this opportunity only comes around twice a year. (Three times if you count the next time I give you approval, which will most likely be April Fools Day.)
Boston, MA – Arriba! If I told you the Richest Man in the world was Mexican, what would you say? Would you immediately think I was referring to the CEO of Qdoba? Well shame on you. Introducing Carlos Slim, who as the CEO of Telmex Communications remains the richest man in the world for the second straight year. Until now, Mexico was known for manufacturing and exporting such items to America as tequila, cocaine, pinatas, tamales and people. This accomplishment by Slim is great for Mexico, not only from a business standpoint, but also for a tourism industry recently marred by seemingly random daytime beheadings. Finally, Mexico can be considered a powerhouse and an equal with America, who has quickly become known around the world as “Mexico’s Hat.” The days of roaming the streets of Mexico as a drunken American, making “hee haw” noises and throwing pesos at every day citizens, demanding they dance around a souvenir sombrero while shaking maracas for us are over.
It is rather ironic that Mexico is not only the home to the richest man in the world, but also the poorest. As you sit there on your taint and mashed up balls (or vag), there’s a guy in Mexico City right now having lunch by dunking a roll he found in “Guadalajara Chowder”, which is a fancy culinary term for donkey piss. That right there is the true meaning of the word ‘recession’, not like today’s outrageous American interpretation, where you’re texting “OMG I can’t believe this recession” from your iPhone because they raised the price of raspberry scones at Starbucks.
Side note: I once saw Carlos Slim’s boat while summering in Puerta Vallarta. I asked my water taxi driver “Who’s boat is that?” and he told me it was Carlos Slim’s. Still driving five minutes later, I said “Now who’s boat is this?” and he goes “That is the same boat, Señor.” One thing I would advise against is calling the driver of your water taxi “El Capitan.” Even though you think it’s a compliment and show of respect for his profession, this is roughly the equivalent of getting into a cab in Boston and saying “Step on it, Mohammad.”
(Pictured below is Carlos Slim’s weekend boat, which, in terms color, reminds me of my Sunfish on the Cape)
(Warning: This trailer is not for children, gayers, or other people that may be scared of loud noises, violence, the jungle, or blood, even though it’s a show on ABC with actors, a script, special effects, and nothing that is real or could ever be real. Viewer discretion is advised, but it’s make-believe, so come on, don’t be a pussy.)
Boston, MA – Ladies and Gentlemen, it brings me great pleasure to bring you the best new show on television with the exception of everything on HBO. ABC’s “The River” is from the makers of “Paranormal Activity”, and “Steven Spielberg”, who has brought you some of the very best movies, like “E.T.”, and in all fairness, some of the absolute worst, such as “War Horse.” In an earlier blog, I methodically tore that movie and script from limb to limb, but be an adult and make your own decisions and go rent it if you want to see a Jewish horse get chased by Nazis before it has a gay reunion with its’ original owner and then being euthanized. Powerful stuff.
Now, if you watched the trailer before reading our review, I realize it starts out looking like the show is about a Gayer that searches for wildlife in the jungle. But, as you will quickly see, there is something dark and very sinister on this particular river, and I’m not talking about floating poopers. Employing some of the same camera tricks as “Paranormal Activity” and audio tricks as every other show (i.e. blowing out the speakers on your tv and going dark before cutting to yet another commercial), this is the best show of 2012. In the season premiere, one of the members of a search party is slowly dragged from his tent into the jungle by an unseen force. An unseen force, everyone. I honestly haven’t had goosebumps like that since my doctor traced his fingernail around my taint during my last physical. I know what you’re thinking, “hey, he’s not supposed to do that”, and you’re probably right, but I just assumed it was part of a customer rewards program for never missing an appointment.
Perhaps the best news of all is that it’s an 8 part mini-series, so, none of this seven year “no answers” bullshit like they pulled on “Lost.” The only answer I want about that show is if Matthew Fox will ever have to appear in court for punching that female limo driver in the pussy. Not cool, dude.
Boston, MA – You know how Yahoo will utilize their high-powered totally random search engine optimizer (i.e. get paid by agents) to show you the top trending searches on the internet at any given moment? For example, right now, Yahoo is showing in their fictional top ten: Vanna White, Fran Drescher, Nitrous Oxide, Khloe Kardashian, Salma Hayek, Birdman, Leper Pirates, AT&T, Eric Cantor and 30 Year Mortgage. Like you, I’m calling bullshit on everything there except Nitrous Oxide, the Salma Hayek tit search, and Leper Pirates. I want to click on the link, but I’m on my wife’s laptop, and I don’t want her to ask me why I was searching for Leper Pirates, or why I was asking Google “can a dick literally fall off from leprosy?” If your arm falls off from leprosy, hey, shit happens, but at least you’ve swept your last floor. But your dick? I’m pretty sure we’ve all had that nightmare where your dick falls off and goes down a sewer grate, and you know how dreams are, you’re fishing around for it but it’s just out of reach. Good luck in real life with no dick. I mean that if you’re a guy. Obviously women are set for life with drinks and money because they have that hole.
Anyway, here’s our real “Trending Now” for men in our particular readership demographic, which we’ve determined is anywhere from 18 to 106. For our female readers, we believe we’re fairly popular beween 18 and what we would consider old, 26. If you’re older than that and reading this, in an effort to raise breast cancer awareness, let us remind you to schedule yourself for a mammogram. On a serious note, if they have to remove one or more of your breasts, you may as well ask them to cut off your head.