With All Due Respect To Ricky Gervais, James Holzhauer Has The Roast Of The Year

Unless you have a been in a coma, you know that Ricky Gervais detonated a nuclear warhead on Hollywood during his monologue at the Golden Globes. Actually, I kind of wanted to sue them for false advertising, because I watched it for like three hours and not one time did they show Dolly Parton.

Anyway, here is Captain Trivia himself, James Holzhauer, dropping the dork hammer on this guy Brad. #PrayForBrad

Gwyneth Paltrow Releases A New Candle And You Will Not Believe What The Fragrance Is

Well, 2020 is off to a wonderful start. First, President Trump turned Qassem Soleimani into a piece of chicken fricassee, and now, Gwyneth Paltrow has released a new candle that smells like her pussy. What a time to be alive. And, the fact that she had her team develop a candle that supposedly smells like her vagina isn’t even the most absurd part. The truly preposterous thing here is that this candle retails for $75.

At first, I was like, why would I pay $75 for a pussy candle when I could just open up a few cans of Bumble Bee? This way, when people come over and they’re like “oh, wow, did Gwyneth Paltrow just do yoga in here, or did you light one of her pussy candles?” I could say “Well, I was going to buy one of her candles, but instead, I saved $72 by strategically placing a few cans of tuna around my house.” Of course, nothing can be that easy, because according to the product description, Gwyneth’s vag candle is “made with geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed to put us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth.” In other words, this candle smells like no vagina on earth.

If this isn’t your typical Hollywood delusion of grandeur, then I don’t know what is. Like, oh, not only is Gwyneth a gifted actor and business woman, but she also claims to naturally have a beautiful smelling vagina. I don’t believe that for a second, and neither should you. However, that won’t stop hundreds of thousands of sheep from clicking “buy now” on her site. (Editor’s Note: At the time of publishing this blog, the pussy candle is currently BACKORDERED on her site, Goop.com.)

With full transparency here, I don’t understand how the whole vagina thing works, but I’ve come across enough of them to know they don’t always smell that great. One time I was down there and politely looked up and asked “Excuse me, did your vagina recently eat a peanut butter sandwich on wheat?” Had the answer been ‘yes’, I would have continued on with my business, but since it was “no, why?”, I immediately went to the bathroom and gargled with shampoo.

Unfortunately, this could be the new trend coming out of Hollywood, where instead of just shilling a product like cologne or perfume (hello, Johnny Depp), parts of a celebrity’s body actually becomes the scent. Just think of the possibilities and imagine the smells of candles named after your favorite Hollywood luminaries, such as Denzel Washington’s “Taint”, The Dame Judy Dench’s “Labia”, Ed Asner’s “Yambag”, and for those on a budget, Charlie Sheen’s “Grundle.”

If you are somehow still interested in buying the pussy candle, please visit Goop! If you are somehow still reading this blog, please share it across all social networks, including LinkedIn.

New Details About Jeffrey Epstein Emerge And Once You Know You Will Not Be Able To Un-Know

Damn, egg-shaped? Epstein got an egg-shaped dick? LMAO. There’s an image for you. Dude invites/kidnaps you to his island, yawns, casually drops his robe, and this little oval shaped, hard-boiled is hanging there. I know he is the very personification of evil, but how do you not point at that and laugh at him?

If there’s good news to any of this saga, at least this minor detail, pun intended, brings some humorous closure to this piece of shit. The last thing any of us needed to know was that he had a candlepin for a dick.

As most of you are aware, in today’s society, people oftentimes use the eggplant emoji to represent the dick. Here’s an example of a text message a gentleman like myself may send:

“Hey honey, I’ll be home later, how about some 🍆 and some 💦?”

Whereas Epstein’s texts would be like:

“You are currently being held captive on my island. Meet me in the human sacrifice arena with the others. We’ll all be wearing goat masks and nothing else, but you will recognize me once you see my 🥚”

Unreal. Egg Dick. lol. I hope someone chisels that nickname on his shitty tombstone. “Here Lies Egg Dick Epstein. Managed a hedge fund no one ever invested in, somehow had a billion dollars, and was gifted a $70 million apartment in NYC by the CEO of Victoria’s Secret.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Important Note: ABC had initially broomed/buried this story, but, after being exposed by Project Veritas, I guess they decided to try and save face by airing it. If you take anything from this story, let it be that the mainstream media is evil, and also that from now on Jeffrey Epstein shall be referred to as Egg Dick.

The Iran Dude Who Got Smoked By The US Gets Shipped Home Via Coach 😂

Well, if you’re like me, when I heard that Qassam Soleimani was killed, I figured he must have had some dirt on Kevin Spacey. But no, no, he was yet another terrorist who President Trump looked up from his twitter account long enough to decide it was time to turn into a piece of burnt shish kebab.

As if the steady whistle of an inbound drone strike being the last thing you ever heard wasn’t bad enough, as a final slap to the face, Soleimani’s remains were packed in cardboard and taped up like an Amazon package, and then stuffed into coach on some discounted airline. At least with Bin Laden, they (supposedly) fired him off into the ocean floor like a human torpedo for one final “wheeeee!” Anyway, I’m not sure how it all works, like by law, do the flight attendants still have to offer Qassam earphones and a drink? I’ve never flown with a dead body, but you have to admit, it would be kind of humorous to hear them walk by like “sir, please return your tray and seatback to the upright….oh…nevermind.”

Meanwhile, the liberals and “news” media are all crying about WWIII, and yet, when I look out my window, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, women are walking their dogs while wearing yoga pants (the women, not the dogs), and all appears to be well. That was the fastest world war like ever.

We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one!

p.s. Speaking of the lamestream media, whatever happened to the caravans of people making their way to our southern border? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Meat Pounder In The News!

Hi, I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach, and when all else fails, masturbating in Applebee’s.

Georgia (where else?) – Police in Thomasville, Georgia, arrested Timothy Dugan after witnesses saw him watching porn and fondling himself in an Applebee’s, of all places. After initially drawing straws to see who would ask the man to leave, employees had no choice but to call police who arrived on the scene to find ol’ Knuckles Dugan hiding out in a nearby bush. The irony there being, given his predilection to watching porn while eating Applebee’s Riblets (which are underrated by the way), this is the only way he’s actually going to be entering any bush. Anyway, there’s a 911 call I’d like to hear:

Dispatcher: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Applebee’s Employee: “There’s a customer here chokin’ his chicken.”

Dispatcher: “oh nooo, the bacon cheddar grilled sandwich or the Nashville Hot chicken?”

Applebee’s: “No, he ain’t chokin’ on no sandwich, I mean he’s here right now jerkin’ off in the bar.”

Dispatcher: “(sigh) Again? All units, all units, be advised, we have got a situation at Applebee’s where a perpetrator appears to be choking his chicken.”

Patrolman: “oh nooo! The chicken club, or…”

To be continued…

Anyway, how horny do you have to be to jack off in an Applebee’s? I know the wait from the time you order to the time your food arrives can feel like a lifetime, but I’ve never been waiting for my appetizers and thought “you know what, there might just be enough time to watch a bj.” When you factor in all the sadness at Applebee’s, emanating from patrons and employees alike, coupled with your own alcohol intake, it’s hard to even imagine trying to make a woody happen there. When you stop and really think about it, that’s like the last place you could imagine masturbating. There are some other locations that kinda make sense, you know, the usual haunts: a rest area, the public library, a tanning bed, etc., but an Applebee’s?! What a disgrace. This is a family establishment! Their slogan is “Eatin’ Good In The Neighborhood”, but for Timmy “Two Tugs” Dugan, he’ll apparently pass on the meal and just keep on Beatin’ it good.

Got a tip? Send it to martin@wickedimproper.com

Thanks?

Now You See Me, Now You Don’t!

The lord works in mysterious ways, and this time his mysterious way was to wash this dude off the mountainside with a 16 million gallon rogue wave. This guy gets absolutely rinsed, and tbh, I currently have zero update for you on whether or not he even survived. In the meantime, add “never walk on nine story cliffs that are clearly soaked with previous waves and slippery algae” to my list of new years resolutions.

Whole Foods Is Giving Away Free Food At All Of Their Locations!

Okay, so maybe the headline is a little misleading, but, follow the steps below and then watch the video to see how you can eat for free at Whole Foods.

  1. Simply walk up to the prepared food tables and make your selections.
  2. Eat whatever you want, sampling anything and everything.
  3. Utensils or not, that is entirely up to you. There is apparently nothing stopping you from eating with your hands like you’re on an episode of Naked and Afraid.
  4. If you decide not to use utensils, don’t worry, the Whole Foods crew has been instructed to simply discard everything your mitts have touched.
  5. Being homeless helps, because since you already have nothing, there are no charges that Whole Foods could possibly press to somehow make your life any worse.

Bon Appetit!

Joe Biden Surges Ahead In The Polls After Connecting With Every Day Americans By Giving A Speech About How Kids Rubbed Pool Water Off His Hairy Legs And Then Something About Cockroaches

We are calling it. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign is all but over. So, it’s official, but like, official official this time. Yeah, he’s still gonna show up at the debate circus, and you can bet your ass he’s not going to turn off the inbound donations faucet. The only explanation that I can come up with after watching this video seventy times is, either Joe Biden is slowly losing his ability to keep his train of thought (which is sad), or, he is intentionally behaving senile to avoid potential future prosecution (which is pure genius.)

Now, the man you are about to watch in this video simply cannot be the Democratic nominee. Even though I would pay to watch, the debates against Trump would be an absolute bloodbath for Joe. Please watch and then leave your comments below with the odds of Joe winning the nomination.

Rep Eric Swalwell Delivers Epic Blast of Flatulence On Live Television

The video you are about to witness pretty much sums up American politics in just twenty seconds. This fart on live tv by Eric Swalwell gives a whole new meaning to politicians blowing hot air. Now, I’ve reviewed this video like it was the Zapruder film, and when I slowed down the frame rate, you can clearly see him pause, furrow his brow, lean forward, and push to contract his lower GI walls. In addition, I isolated the audio of the sound (i.e. the fart) and listened to it over seven hundred times, and while some are saying it was a faulty microphone, it was, in my expert opinion, a natural, yet untimely bodily function. If you would like to debate this with me, please invite me on your podcast.

Naturally, both Rep. Swalwell (a democrat) and the producers of Hardball/Shartball are denying this literally gross injustice. There is no comment yet, but viewers can rest assured this fart was the result of yet another taxpayer funded lunch.

McDonald’s CEO Fired After Inappropriate Relationship With Employee Rumored To Be Grimace

Me Too

Steve Easterbrook, who had been the fast food giant’s CEO since 2015, was fired from the company after its board of directors found that he violated McDonald’s policy, it said in a statement. The burger chain’s board found that Easterbrook, 52, “demonstrated poor judgment involving a recent consensual relationship with an employee.”

Per company policy, McDonald’s would not comment on the employee or details surrounding the relationship. However, a source says there were whispers among corporate offices that the employee was none other than Grimace. Said the source: “Yeah, every once in a while, Steve would walk in late to our meetings with his hands and lips all purple. We figured he just ate a jelly donut or something, but we’d still bust his balls and ask if he had been blowing Grimace again. Well, we’re not joking around now.” He added “We didn’t even think it was possible, because Grimace is just kinda this big stuffed animal, but who knows, I guess if it pulls up its’ belly or whatever, maybe there’s like a purple dick under there.”

These are the first allegations of misconduct at McDonald’s since the summer of 2018, when Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar were accused of inappropriate behavior in the backseat of an Uber Black. At the time, the driver, who spoke to us under the condition of anonymity, said “I overheard the Hamburglar saying he had pictures of the Mayor in compromising situations with Captain Crook. He said he was going to release the pictures (to the popular McDonald’s gossip outlet TMcZ) unless he was willing to, um, you know, and these are his words, not mine, ‘gurgle my hamburgle.’ Of course, there is no window divider in Uber, so I just focused on the road and turned up my radio. When the ride was over, they gave me five stars and a 20% tip, but I asked the Hamburglar to leave his scarf and gloves behind so I could wipe up his special sauce.”

Grimace, whose gender is unknown but apparently leans towards male by using the pronouns “Gre/Grim”, could not be reached for comment. The company’s share price closed at $194 on Friday, up 9.2% for the year.