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Here’s Why I Have A Problem With Guy Fieri

Douchebagsayswhat?

Because he’s a phony. He pronounces his name “Guy” like “Hey, guy!” Hard “G” plus “eye.” Guy. Which, by itself, no big deal. Except that he pronounces his last name as if he was in an eighth grade Italian oral exam.* ”Fee-EH-di.” This is something we should not allow. You want to pose as an Italian? Go ahead. But you’re going to have to be consistent and pronounce your first name “Gee.” Hard “G” plus “ee.” Can’t have both.

Also I am NOT a fan of his sunglasses routine.

Red Does Not Like This

* Or an “ethnic” news reporter, over emphasizing the “home country’s” native pronunciation. You’re in America now. Take it easy on the “r” rolling.

North Korea Announces Surprise Attack On South: Scheduled For Tomorrow

wtf, it's on?!

Express: NORTH Korea has completed preparations for a mid-range missile launch tomorrow from its east coast, officials in Seoul have revealed – just hours after foreigners living in South Korea were warned to quit the country. The worrying warning came as speculation heightened that North Korea is planning to pull its ambassador out of the UK after a shipping container was pictured outside the London embassy.

“Once a war is ignited on the peninsula, it will be an all-out war, a merciless, sacred, retaliatory war waged by the DPRK (Democratic People’s Republic of Korea),” it went on to say. The remarks come as the communist country has repeatedly said it will turn Seoul and Washington into a “sea of fire” and launch pre-emptive nuclear attacks against its enemies at any time.

This is almost no joking matter, since thermo-nuclear war can really put a crimp in your day. But we’re talking about a country with no electricity who’s threatening to start a sacred war against their neighbors because of their love for iPhones (4s) and online porn.

If that’s a legitimate reason to get bombed, we’re all in trouble. Amiright?

Happy Birthday Kurt Cobain!

"Before"

Boston, MA – Everyone that knows me knows that I love Nirvana. Forgive me for sounding a bit too much like a music afficionado, or someone that thinks he knows just a little bit more about music than you, but if I had to elaborate, I would say their music was really good. And, say what you will about Kurt Cobain’s drug addiction, but if you think about it, Heroin is the gateway drug to heaven. What could be wrong with that?! Worst case scenario, you shoot too much and you end up in heaven, but at least you’re done with your grueling tour schedule. In closing, it’s kind of ironic that Kurt didn’t like the attention of Awards shows, considering he ended up on a red carpet.

RIP Kurt. Hopefully they buried you 600 feet down, just barely out of reach of the lecherous paparazzi.

Third “Happiest” Country In The World Is Really A Lilly-White Prison Camp

"Reykjavik" rhymes with "Wreck Ya Dick"

Washington Post: A 15-year-old Icelandic girl has been granted the right to legally use the name given to her by her mother, despite the opposition of authorities and Iceland’s strict law on names. Reykjavik District Court ruled Thursday that the name “Blaer” can be used. It means “light breeze.”

Icelandic authorities [had] declared it was not a proper feminine name. Like a handful of other countries, including Germany and Denmark, Iceland has official rules about what a baby can be named. The name was rejected because the panel viewed it as a masculine name that was inappropriate for a girl.

That’s the difference between the United States and Iceland. The US bears the slings and arrows from the rest of the world who call us thugs and cowboys and polluters and we just stand by and take that shit and name our daughters “Apple” and fucking “Moon Unit” and “Halle.” Iceland holds itself up as one of the happiest places on Earth according to “Happiness Studies,” which in fact should be named “World Bank Funded Papers On Why The United States Sucks,” when in fact they run their country like a goddamned gulag, refuse to allow any butch names, and refuse to let any “color” in, and don’t look at me like that because you know it’s true. The social scientists call it a very “homogeneous” country. Riiight. Sounds like a country-wide Stepford Wives program. Denmark’s the same. And gd Germany tried to take over the world twice, don’t think I’ve forgotten about that. Fuck.

"Asdis" is an acceptable name though

And Here Is A Photo Which I Do Not Believe

"...And now introducing Madame Tussaud's Young Hollywood exhibit!"

“Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth - The Happy Couple!”

Nope. Not for one second.

Plus what happened to her hot slut hair?

I believe this one. Dir. Tee.

Here’s Red Not Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass

There is a fantastic chance that we’re not going to explode into nothingness tonight/tomorrow. I think it’s already tomorrow in New Zealand, and as far as I know, they’re still whacking off down there at a regularly furious pace. Did the Mayans even have leap year? We could be off on the apocalypse by years.

But guess what? In 100 years* the world’s going to be over for every one of us, and everyone we know. That, or we’re going to discover that we’re still plugged into a giant feeding machine for aliens, and all of this is just a cerebral construct built to keep us docile until it’s time for us to be whipped into Soylent Green.

So f-ing get out there and enjoy it while you can, gdi. Have a merry Christmas (capped?), light your candles, get your wife to agree to that threesome you’ve been putting off, or whatever. You only live once and once your dead your gone, baby, so let the good times roll!

*ahem, probably 50, spoiler alert.

Wicked Improper, Where Civic Duty Is Always Safe For Work!

Obama, Romney, who gives a shit, you don't lick the insides!

If You Let Yourself Look For It, You Can Find Art Anywhere!

"Number 8" Jackson Pollock, 1949, Oil, Enamel, Aluminum Paint On Canvas

Chime in if you came across or created some art today! Not one to brag, but as for myself, I positively destroyed the men’s room this morning.

Breaking: Famed Rock ‘n’ Roller Meatloaf Stripped Of His Gold Medal

Would you love me forever?

AP: Just hours after the close of the Olympics, a female shot putter from Belarus was stripped of her gold Monday in the first case of an athlete losing a medal for doping at the London Games. With the disqualification of Nadzeya Ostapchuk, the gold medal was awarded to Valerie Adams of New Zealand – who winds up as Olympic champion for the second time in a row.

The International Olympic Committee said Ostapchuk, a former world champion, tested positive for steroids both before and after winning the shot put last week for her first Olympic gold.

“Catching cheats like this sends a message to all those who dope that we will catch them,” IOC spokesman Mark Adams told The Associated Press.

Yeah. It sends the message: “You better be more careful with your doping.” Call me jaded, but I think someone ought to probably check out Valerie as well…

She could shot put Red 27 meters.

And The Meme Contest Winner is….

Boston, MA – Jooooooooooooooeeeee! Joe is the winner of the $20 Dunkin’s gift card. Thanks to everyone for playing, especially Chris K. who either has 12 really good friends or 12 IP addresses to cast his votes. Unfortunately, thanks to one of the lowest forms of life (lawyers), we have to add a disclaimer as we mail the gift card. Congrats Joe!

(Disclaimer: Wicked Improper not responsible for burned esophagus from drinking scalding hot coffee. While most consider coffee to be some kind of delicacy, it is really nothing more than sifted, dirty bean water. Do not be surprised if you have to make poopers one hour after drinking coffee as it is essentially liquid chili. Wicked Improper suggests you learn basic Spanish prior to placing your order(s.) Do not let your penis be tricked by Dunkin’s staff that look good from behind with yoga pants on, eventually they will turn around and chances are you will not like what you see. Donuts not always made on premises, which means they are being manufactured in a warehouse someplace where employees are probably using old-fashioned donuts to play Ring Toss on each others hardons. That’s why I always order the cruller. Other than that, enjoy!)

The Winner!

Meme Contest!

Boston, MA – I made a Meme and the only logical thing for you to do now is Like it on Facebook or Tweet it. You can make your own by going to Meme Generator, then click “Generate an image” and submit the link to us in our comments section below. The best (or only) entry we receive will win a $10 Gift Certificate to Dunkin’ Donuts. WOAH! Red just upped it to a $20 value! You can’t afford not to play now. I honestly don’t know how anyone can beat mine (sure, pun intended), but Red and I are exempt from winning our own contests.

Contest ends at 5pm EST Friday (or until we get at least one submission. And yes, we know you could just cut and paste an existing link from that site, but try not to cheat for a change and create your own)

2010 Honorable Mention, Worst Last Words

For Sale: 1969 Cessna, workman's dream, needs work, 100% reliable fuel gauge

Daily Mail: A 21-year-old trainee pilot died in a plane crash when another pilot refused to accept the empty fuel gauge reading, saying his own calculations were more accurate.

Jaskinder Kaur Samra, from Wednesfield, near Wolverhampton, was a passenger in the rented 1969 Cessna aircraft piloted by American friend Abraham George, 24, who also died in the tragedy. A second passenger, Shaun Thacker, from Monmouthshire in Wales, miraculously survived the crash after wrapping himself in a duvet to protect his body.

He said he had just been in the rear seats sleeping but woke up: ‘I glanced over to look at the instruments and noticed the fuel gauge had a low indication. He told an inquest that moments before the plane came down, he told Mr George that the fuel gauge was low, to which Mr George replied: ‘I’ve done a maths calculation about the distance and I trust my maths more than a 1969 fuel gauge.’

Doh! Not since “Hey look! I can see the Chappaquiddick Bridge from up here!” have worse final words been uttered from a single engine aircraft.

Ps – he saved himself with a duvet? A blanket? 2 dudes, a chick, a ’69 Cessna, and a duvet. Sounds like a time. I wonder if that pilot drives* an Austin Healy?

*drove

I Think It Might Be Time To Fire Bobby Valentine And Call Tim Wakefield To Arms

I won't even bother to ask.

I’ve gotten tired of bashing Red Sox starting pitching after every horrible outing, so today I’m going to roll up the last five starts for you. Based on my shockingly brief analysis of week’s games, it looks like starting pitchers have allowed 24 runs in 24 2/3 innings, for an ERA of just under 9. That’s 9 runs per 9 innings pitched. That is f-ing atrocious.

All if this because some Red Sox ~~fans~~ owners are afraid to let Tim Wakefield overtake Roger Clemens (alleged liar and juicer) & Cy Young (old dead guy) as the all-time winningest (not a real word) Red Sox pitcher. It’s time to Fire Bobby Valentine and make Tim Wakefield the player manager before it’s too late.

(ps – I’d wait until this afternoon to calculate today’s contributions by Clay “Mr. Run Support 2012″ Buchholz, but I have a feeling he’s going to pitch a gem today, which would skew my numbers and weaken my argument.)

***UPDATE*** lol, no gem by Clay “Yeah but look at my wife” Buchholz: 3.2 innings, ELEVEN walks + hits, 3 dingers, 5 runs

Yawn, Just Another Commanding Starting Performance From A Sox Pitcher

Hey, how about Tim Wakefield for Player/Manager?

Clay Buchholz got another win, slimming his ERA from 9.0 to 8.87 after allowing just 5 (earned) runs during a five-point-one inning marathon outing.

Thank goodness the Sox saw the light and cut Tim Wakefield from the rotation so the rest of the starters could spread their wings and shine…

pfft

Free Tim Cahill!

Boston.com – A Suffolk County grand jury has handed up indictments against former state Treasurer Timothy P. Cahill on corruption charges that his campaign allegedly used $1.65 million in taxpayer-funded state lottery advertising to boost his floundering 2010 gubernatorial bid, Attorney General Martha Coakley said today.

Can someone please help me to see what the problem is here? Put yourself in Tim Cahill’s shoes. You’re allegedly sitting there going “If only I had $1.65 million laying around to help me out with my campaign. Oh, wait, here it is.” This is what’s known in some circles as the “Rainy Day” fund, or, in this case, the “My campaign is halfway down the shitter, and I need some Liquid Plumber in the form of $1.65 million to pull this half-submerged log out of the drain.” Whether he knowingly used those funds or not, I don’t think it’s any of our business. He had the best of intentions in mind for the people in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and this is how we repay him? An indictment? This guy isn’t texting before and after pictures of his helmet trying to reach its’ way up to his belly button out to interns. He’s not crashing his state issued Crown Victoria at 108mph while going to “survey storm damage”, like a certain someone we know. All he may have allegedly done was take a little from Pile A, and move it over to Pile B, and then make some witty commercials to gain voters. You know, if more politicians would have his drive and passion, I believe our state, and perhaps our country, would be a better place.

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"This is at the top of the list as to why I'm afraid of prison"

Who’s Hotter, Channing Tatum or Peter Dinklage?

Friday’s 8″ Poll

Boston, MA – By now, you all know that Dick Van Dyke, who played TV’s “Matlock” and “Gomer Pyle”, got married again at the age of 86 to a 40 year old stick-up artist, I mean, make-up artist. It’s one of the oldest stories in the world “Old, wealthy grayballed guy marries young money-hungry chippy.” The story you most remember is when that billionaire corpse hired Anna Nicole Smith’s breasts for pillows so he could drool his halitosis all over them each night until the Reaper came. I’m not knocking it, that’s how I want to go out, by resting my old, stupid, liver-spotted face on top of a pile of gravy bags. Not to be a Dougie Downer, but you know your hog is completely finished at 86. You may as well have a retirement ceremony and raise a banner with a picture of your long-forgotten erection to the rafters in your shed. I’d like to think I’ll still pretend to wrangle one out on my old, dead noodle, but unfortunately the finish is really just me urinating all over my ottoman. That’s why I almost can’t wait to be in a retirement or nursing home. They get paid to clean up after you, so you can just ring the bell and tell them to bring a mop over the intercom.

Anyway, it’s the question people want to ask but don’t really want to bring up, so let us do it for you. Is this 40 year old slobbling up and down on Dick Van Dyke’s ganoozle? You know I always tell you how I vote, and this time I’m going to say “absolutely.” She probably just closes her eyes and thinks about quite literally anyone else, like maybe Gaylor Tautner, kind of like most of our wives.

"Until Death Do Us Part Next November"

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Friday’s 8″ Poll

Boston, MA – After battening down the hatches in the eye of the storm for the past 12 hours, I was finally able to remove the 1″ of accumulated snow in my driveway and get back here so I could blog for you. Don’t mention it. Of course, the vampires that read from the teleprompters to deliver the weather have kind of neglected to tell you that it’s going to be 55 degrees tomorrow. Anyway, I’d be shocked if you even read this paragraph before focusing on the youknowwhat’s down below. After all, do you come to Wicked Improper for your weather, or do you come here to look at tightly bound awesome boobers? Here, let me answer that for you.

"Not camera shy"

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Taint It A Beauty?

Boston, MA – The following is obviously a dramatization as if this bum had the ability to speak. This will work best if you play along and say the dialogue like you’re the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street, or Yoda if you’re a Star Wars geek:

“Bum hungry. Bum worked up an appetite. Bum want to eat Yoga pants. Bum want to eat your dick.”

"hi"

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Tim Tebow in Vegas (Coincidentally During The AVN Porn Awards)

Boston, MA and Las Vegas, NV (home of the losers breakfast buffet) – By now, the world is aware that Tim Tebow and his penis are virgins. The world is now also aware that Tim and his dry helmet were in Las Vegas last week at the same time as the AVN awards. I honestly don’t know how he and his penis got out of there alive. Maybe they split up and rendezvous’d at the airport. Either way, the real question begs to be asked: If he is in fact a virgin, is he also claiming that he’s not mugging his midget at night before bed? Come on, you guys know how it makes you go right to sleep.

There was actually a study done at MIT where they determined if all 3 billion males on the planet started to whack it at the exact same time, the earth would tilt off its’ axis by about an ironic 6 inches. To the average human, we probably wouldn’t notice much of a difference. However, the sound of 3 billion hands throttling up and down on their shafts would make a deafening, screeching sound, as if the earth was being overrun by locusts. Farmers worldwide would sit up quickly and look out the window, going “Oh, okay, it’s not locusts, the crops are safe. All the guys are just out there fapping at it again.”

One thing I’ve noticed, at least regionally here in the northeast is, Tebow isn’t really pimping himself out to endorse products. There’s something to be said for that. By now, he must have his choice of companies wanting to use his likeness to move product. One company I could completely get behind is Charmin, after all, they’ve been behind me all these years. Oh I had to. How could I not? Anyway, when it comes to a nice clean ass, who better than Charmin? You know you can depend on their two-ply wiping system when you’ve been kerplopping one into the bowl and get a little splashback. I really don’t know if I’ll ever be famous enough as a blogger to endorse a product, but I could envision myself delivering this line as I exit a restroom smiling: “A quality rump towel like Charmin can deal with a little condensation, whereas an economy napkin can’t handle the big jobs, even though they’re wallet-friendly. But you’ll wish you spent the two extra dollars on Charmin instead of an economy substitute when you’re wiping and your finger rips through the paper and into your asshole.”

"I've been saving myself for marriage, so I now pronounce us husband and wife." - Tebow