Meat Pounder In The News!

Hi, I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach, and when all else fails, masturbating in Applebee’s.

Georgia (where else?) – Police in Thomasville, Georgia, arrested Timothy Dugan after witnesses saw him watching porn and fondling himself in an Applebee’s, of all places. After initially drawing straws to see who would ask the man to leave, employees had no choice but to call police who arrived on the scene to find ol’ Knuckles Dugan hiding out in a nearby bush. The irony there being, given his predilection to watching porn while eating Applebee’s Riblets (which are underrated by the way), this is the only way he’s actually going to be entering any bush. Anyway, there’s a 911 call I’d like to hear:

Dispatcher: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Applebee’s Employee: “There’s a customer here chokin’ his chicken.”

Dispatcher: “oh nooo, the bacon cheddar grilled sandwich or the Nashville Hot chicken?”

Applebee’s: “No, he ain’t chokin’ on no sandwich, I mean he’s here right now jerkin’ off in the bar.”

Dispatcher: “(sigh) Again? All units, all units, be advised, we have got a situation at Applebee’s where a perpetrator appears to be choking his chicken.”

Patrolman: “oh nooo! The chicken club, or…”

To be continued…

Anyway, how horny do you have to be to jack off in an Applebee’s? I know the wait from the time you order to the time your food arrives can feel like a lifetime, but I’ve never been waiting for my appetizers and thought “you know what, there might just be enough time to watch a bj.” When you factor in all the sadness at Applebee’s, emanating from patrons and employees alike, coupled with your own alcohol intake, it’s hard to even imagine trying to make a woody happen there. When you stop and really think about it, that’s like the last place you could imagine masturbating. There are some other locations that kinda make sense, you know, the usual haunts: a rest area, the public library, a tanning bed, etc., but an Applebee’s?! What a disgrace. This is a family establishment! Their slogan is “Eatin’ Good In The Neighborhood”, but for Timmy “Two Tugs” Dugan, he’ll apparently pass on the meal and just keep on Beatin’ it good.

Got a tip? Send it to


Now You See Me, Now You Don’t!

The lord works in mysterious ways, and this time his mysterious way was to wash this dude off the mountainside with a 16 million gallon rogue wave. This guy gets absolutely rinsed, and tbh, I currently have zero update for you on whether or not he even survived. In the meantime, add “never walk on nine story cliffs that are clearly soaked with previous waves and slippery algae” to my list of new years resolutions.

Whole Foods Is Giving Away Free Food At All Of Their Locations!

Okay, so maybe the headline is a little misleading, but, follow the steps below and then watch the video to see how you can eat for free at Whole Foods.

  1. Simply walk up to the prepared food tables and make your selections.
  2. Eat whatever you want, sampling anything and everything.
  3. Utensils or not, that is entirely up to you. There is apparently nothing stopping you from eating with your hands like you’re on an episode of Naked and Afraid.
  4. If you decide not to use utensils, don’t worry, the Whole Foods crew has been instructed to simply discard everything your mitts have touched.
  5. Being homeless helps, because since you already have nothing, there are no charges that Whole Foods could possibly press to somehow make your life any worse.

Bon Appetit!

Joe Biden Surges Ahead In The Polls After Connecting With Every Day Americans By Giving A Speech About How Kids Rubbed Pool Water Off His Hairy Legs And Then Something About Cockroaches

We are calling it. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign is all but over. So, it’s official, but like, official official this time. Yeah, he’s still gonna show up at the debate circus, and you can bet your ass he’s not going to turn off the inbound donations faucet. The only explanation that I can come up with after watching this video seventy times is, either Joe Biden is slowly losing his ability to keep his train of thought (which is sad), or, he is intentionally behaving senile to avoid potential future prosecution (which is pure genius.)

Now, the man you are about to watch in this video simply cannot be the Democratic nominee. Even though I would pay to watch, the debates against Trump would be an absolute bloodbath for Joe. Please watch and then leave your comments below with the odds of Joe winning the nomination.

Rep Eric Swalwell Delivers Epic Blast of Flatulence On Live Television

The video you are about to witness pretty much sums up American politics in just twenty seconds. This fart on live tv by Eric Swalwell gives a whole new meaning to politicians blowing hot air. Now, I’ve reviewed this video like it was the Zapruder film, and when I slowed down the frame rate, you can clearly see him pause, furrow his brow, lean forward, and push to contract his lower GI walls. In addition, I isolated the audio of the sound (i.e. the fart) and listened to it over seven hundred times, and while some are saying it was a faulty microphone, it was, in my expert opinion, a natural, yet untimely bodily function. If you would like to debate this with me, please invite me on your podcast.

Naturally, both Rep. Swalwell (a democrat) and the producers of Hardball/Shartball are denying this literally gross injustice. There is no comment yet, but viewers can rest assured this fart was the result of yet another taxpayer funded lunch.

McDonald’s CEO Fired After Inappropriate Relationship With Employee Rumored To Be Grimace

Me Too

Steve Easterbrook, who had been the fast food giant’s CEO since 2015, was fired from the company after its board of directors found that he violated McDonald’s policy, it said in a statement. The burger chain’s board found that Easterbrook, 52, “demonstrated poor judgment involving a recent consensual relationship with an employee.”

Per company policy, McDonald’s would not comment on the employee or details surrounding the relationship. However, a source says there were whispers among corporate offices that the employee was none other than Grimace. Said the source: “Yeah, every once in a while, Steve would walk in late to our meetings with his hands and lips all purple. We figured he just ate a jelly donut or something, but we’d still bust his balls and ask if he had been blowing Grimace again. Well, we’re not joking around now.” He added “We didn’t even think it was possible, because Grimace is just kinda this big stuffed animal, but who knows, I guess if it pulls up its’ belly or whatever, maybe there’s like a purple dick under there.”

These are the first allegations of misconduct at McDonald’s since the summer of 2018, when Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar were accused of inappropriate behavior in the backseat of an Uber Black. At the time, the driver, who spoke to us under the condition of anonymity, said “I overheard the Hamburglar saying he had pictures of the Mayor in compromising situations with Captain Crook. He said he was going to release the pictures (to the popular McDonald’s gossip outlet TMcZ) unless he was willing to, um, you know, and these are his words, not mine, ‘gurgle my hamburgle.’ Of course, there is no window divider in Uber, so I just focused on the road and turned up my radio. When the ride was over, they gave me five stars and a 20% tip, but I asked the Hamburglar to leave his scarf and gloves behind so I could wipe up his special sauce.”

Grimace, whose gender is unknown but apparently leans towards male by using the pronouns “Gre/Grim”, could not be reached for comment. The company’s share price closed at $194 on Friday, up 9.2% for the year.

Man Born With Two And A Half Feet Seeks Real Love

One Foot, Two Flip Flops

NY POSTA 21-year-old man born with nine toes on his left foot finally had the four extra digits surgically removed after a lifetime of living with the deformity. The man, who doctors identified only as Ajun, told news service Asia Wire that his parents were reluctant to do the surgery when he was a baby — since a fortune teller claimed the extra toes were “a gift from the heavens.”

Though he was able to walk, Ajun, a native of Lufeng City in South China’s Guangdong Province, spent his life ashamed to wear sandals. It impacted his social life and mental health. “I’ve never had a girlfriend because I’m so imperfect,” he said. “I never thought I’d find anyone who wants to be with me.”

“Other hospitals would’ve just removed his outermost extra toes,” his doctor, Wu Xiang said. “That would’ve been the easiest solution, but it wouldn’t look the best. His most natural looking toe is on the outside, so we decided to migrate it inwards to its most ideal position, replacing his fifth digit and creating a new big toe.”

But it was worth it. Ajun said he’s thrilled with the operation. He’ll recover in the hospital for a few more weeks. “I think my foot is perfect.”

I’m genuinely happy for Ajun. Up until this surgery, you couldn’t play “This little piggy went to the market” with this dude, otherwise you would have been there all damn day. You might actually lose count and have to start over again. “Then this little piggy went…god damn it, Ajun, stop moving your foot foot around.” I can’t even imagine what he went thru at the local nail salon, they must have had a special pricing menu like “Manicure: $30, Pedicure: $30, Ajun Pedicure: $45.”

It’s sad to think that even in Guangdong, bros are so self conscious about their abnormalities they feel like they can’t go out in public, meet babes, do the two step, etc. I honestly feel like he could have harnessed this special power to do great things. Can you even imagine his time trials in the 200 meter butterfly stroke with that flipper, just ripping thru the water like a torpedo? Or, how much of a beast he would be at Hacky Sack? You think the sacks gonna hit the ground today, nope, Ajun is keeping the action going all day and night with that dinner plate.

Anyway, he had the extra toes hacked off, and he’ll be able to wear regular shoes as he tracks down real love. Even though your foot is perfect now, don’t worry Ajun, a woman will still find something about you she needs to fix. I do find it rather curious there’s no mention in the story of where the other piece of that foot goes. Yeah, they toss it in a biohazard bin, I get it, but after that, then what? The incinerator? Maybe they should put it on ice in case someone comes thru the doors who only has half a foot, that way they can be like “wow, do I have some good news for you.”

As a public service announcement, with regards to child care, we would highly recommend you visit a medically trained physician. The only time you should visit a fortune teller is if you identify as a complete rube.

When Gender Reveal Parties Go Wrong


Syracuse News – It was supposed to be a day of celebration. On Saturday afternoon, six members of an Iowa family gathered outside a rural Knoxville, Iowa, home for what society has dubbed a “gender reveal” party. Among the six was a pregnant woman. Her family was there to learn the sex of her baby.

But the reveal – which involved a homemade explosive device – went horribly wrong, shooting metal shrapnel toward the family standing 45 feet away. Pamela Kreimeyer, 56, was struck in the head. She died on impact, officials said.

“Gender reveal” parties have become an obsession for people trying find creative ways to tell the world the sex of the baby they are expecting. Often, these grand reveals are made for social media moments that involve displays of pink or blue. That’s what the Kreimeyer family had planned for.

The family had welded a homemade stand, which was filled with gunpowder, to a metal base. They drilled a hole for a fuse and placed a piece of wood on top of the metal stand. Colored powder was then layered on top of the wood. Then, they put tape on top of the entire assembly, which “inadvertently created a pipe bomb,” authorities said. Around 4 p.m. Saturday, they lit the fuse.

Rather than shooting the colored powder into the air, the contraption exploded outward. A piece of metal struck Pamela Kreimeyer in the head before landing in a nearby field, according to the sheriff’s department. The explosion remains under investigation.

Under investigation? The investigation is over. Some Iowa folks who had only goodness in their hearts accidentally created a pipe bomb, and the pipe bomb did what pipe bombs do: explode. Now is not the time for lingering questions about the family’s decision to assemble a keg of TNT like Wile E. Coyote.

Despite the fact I have no legal jurisdiction to do so, nor do I have a law enforcement background to speak of or any connection to this case, I am formally closing it. Sorry for this grandma to be, sorry for the cop who had to go looking for that piece of metal that ricocheted off her head and into the nearby field, sorry for everyone involved. But we, as a society, have to stop this kind of narcissistic “look at me! look at us!” behavior. You’re having a baby, congrats, it’s not that hard to make one. We’ve all been there before, you get all gussied up and head out for a nice evening at Golden Corral. Maybe it’s payday, maybe you go dutch, or who knows, maybe there’s a blue moon tonight and she picks up the tab. Either way, there’s nothing like looking into her eyes after some fine cuisine and she gives you that look that says “take me, take me now, on top of the perpetual chocolate fountain in front of the other guests.” You don’t, because you know one more strike in this place earns you a lifetime ban, but you find somewhere you can have privacy, like a dead end road, or maybe you have some points saved up at the Motel 6. Then, you’re making the sweetest of love in that after dinner glow, when, whoops a daisy doo, it felt so good you accidentally left it in there. Fine. But, why the need to “get creative” when revealing the gender? Just say “we’re having a boy” or “we’re having a girl”, and get ready for at least 18 years of pure joy and digging yourself into a $300,000 hole to raise it.

Now, you want a gender reveal story, I’ll give you a gender reveal story. I’m the youngest of six kids, and when my Mom told my dad she was pregnant with me, he didn’t say “Yay! Let’s fill a balloon with pink or blue baby powder and then pop it to surprise our friends with the gender!” he said “holy shit, how are we gonna feed another fuckin’ mouth around here?”

Great question, he should have thought of that one while he was up to the devil’s business. Anyway, I’m here now and it’s obviously too late to put me back in. In hindsight, I find my existence to be somewhat ironic, considering I was conceived on a pull-out couch.

Models Banned From World Series And All They Did Was Show Some Titties

Thoughts and Prayers to those three remaining buttons

NY POST – Shagmag founder Julia Rose and brand executive Lauren Summer have been banned indefinitely by Major League Baseball after flashing Astros pitcher Gerrit Cole during Game 5 of the World Series on Sunday night.

They received a letter which read “During the game, you violated the fan code of conduct by exposing yourself during the 7th inning, in order to promote a business,” the letter read. It appears the women were promoting breast cancer awareness.

League spokesperson Michael Teevan confirmed to USA Today that the women had been banned, noting MLB “distributed a letter to the individuals in question, and the letter set for an indefinite ban for each.”

Fellow attendee Kayla Lauren, who also sported a yellow Shagmag T-shirt at the game, later posted a bathroom selfie seemingly following the incident. “Just got kicked out of the World Series. In police HQ bathroom still gotta get that birthday selfie,” she shared on her Instagram story.

The interruption didn’t appear to deter the Astros, who went on to defeat the Nationals 7-1. Houston now leads the series 3-2.

Boston, MA – Besides being born looking really good with little to no effort, the best thing to ever happen to these chicks is being banned from the World Series. They should actually reply and ask to be banned from all games, forever. Baseball, as a sport, and as a national pastime anyway, is nearly dead. The league should actually thank these brave women for their wonderful service and encourage others (only those who are capable, those who are not, you know who you are) to follow suit. As a fan of the sport of baseball, you are essentially paying ridiculous amounts of money to see a guy try to hit a ball over a fence. That’s it. If the ball goes over the fence, everyone in the stands (who had nothing to do with it) goes fucking bananas as if this is something they haven’t seen 87,000 times before. If the ball doesn’t go over the fence, well, that’s okay, because the players can still advance one base at a time through various scenarios, all of which are likely to put you to sleep.

In my last experience visiting Fenway, it was $50 to park, $150 for the ticket, $9 for a beer, then I went and sat down in seats that must have been built when the average height of a human being was 4’7″. My knees were absolutely crushed into the seat in front of me, but it was the good kind of pain, because it helped to keep my mind off the fact the guy behind me basically had his warm privates touching my neck. At first I was thinking, “Please be a giant foam finger. Please be a giant foam finger.”, and then I slowly turned my head to discover the grim reality: It was his ballbag.

Anyway, all Major League Baseball has to do to improve sinking ratings and put more asses in the seats is to allow hot chicks to do whatever they want at the stadium. That’s all these heroes were trying to do, and not all heroes wear capes, or in this case, shirts. Oh, MLB might also consider updating their old ass song to this:

🎵 Take me out to the ballgame,

take me out where it’s lame,

buy me some peanuts and hold on a sec,

would you look at those two fuckin hot chicks,

for it’s one, two, yep two pairs of boobs,

at my new, favorite, gaaaame! 🎵

For more information about ShagMag, please visit and say goodbye to your afternoon.

For more information about how you can save 3 hours a day times 162 games which equals 20 DAYS A YEAR, simply stop watching baseball.

Man Charged With Stealing Tom Brady’s Shirt From The Patriots Hall of Fame

Would it be okay if I wore the shirt for the mug shot?

FOXBORO (CBS) – A Rhode Island man is accused of stealing items from the Patriots Hall of Fame at Gillette Stadium – but he didn’t get very far. The man was captured in the parking lot wearing a game-worn Tom Brady jersey.

On Thursday, Foxboro Police Officer Joseph Godino and Sgt. David Foscaldo helped Patriots security find 33-year-old Zanini Cineus of Providence in the plaza parking lot. He was allegedly wearing the stolen Brady jersey under his jacket. Foxboro Police said Cineus stole other memorabilia as well.

He was arrested and charged with larceny. He reportedly pleaded not guilty at his arraignment in Wrentham District Court. According to the Attleboro Sun Chronicle, the Brady jersey is worth $10,000.

I feel like we need more information on this, with regards to the lack of security at the Patriots Hall of Fame. I’ve actually never been there, nor have I been to any other Halls of Fame, nor could you pay me to go to any of them. Can you imagine going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, where they must have solid security, and the guide is like “These are the black leather pants Gene Simmons wore during the Kiss farewell tour. Ah yes, here we have Vince Neil’s assless chaps. Just to your right are a couple of Mick Jagger’s tank tops. Of course, we put these items in a glass case so they can’t be stolen, but also so no one catches HPV.”

Think about it: How much fun do you suppose you’d have at the Basketball Hall of Fame? You’re gonna walk around for hours looking at a couple of pairs of Chuck Taylors, and the original peach basket they used for a hoop? The whole time they’re playing looping audio of basketballs going “swish” thru a net, and the unmistakable sound of sneaker soles chirping off wooden floors? If the guide asks if there are any questions, I’d be like “yes, could you direct me to the gun exhibit now because I’d like to take my own life.”

Anyway, I demand answers to this question: Who is in charge of security at the Patriots Hall of Fame, Paul Blart? Isn’t Tom Brady’s shirt(s) locked in a glass case and mounted on a wall thirty feet off the floor, that way when people look at it they are also kind of looking up at heaven? How did a commoner walk into this place, and simply try on a $10,000 shirt like he was in a fucking TJ Maxx? You think someone can just walk into Dollywood and try on one of the bras? This is an outrage!

This theft is the same thing as someone going into the L’ouvre and walking out wearing Jesus Christ’s sandals. Using that same Patriots Hall of Fame level of security, they’d be like “woah, someone walked off with Jesus’ Birkenstocks”, then by the time they find the guy he’s out in the parking lot listening to Phish and playing hacky sack.

I will not rest peacefully until someone is fired for this. You want to take a little nap in the security booth while someone steals Steve Grogan’s neck roll or John Hannah’s jockstrap, be my guest, but you guard Tom Brady’s shirt like your god damned life depends on it.