"Tower Heist: They can't believe it, and neither will you"
Boston, MA – “Kerplunk!” That’s the sound your brain will make as it plunges its’ way into Hollywood’s regurgitated plot toilet. Oh my fucking god. Not since “Ocean’s Thirteen” have I seen a bigger money grab from an ensemble of actors. From beginning to merciful end, this duct-taped together script of nonsense actually had me clamoring for the final installment of the Focker series, “Meet The Fockers In Hell.” Not to give anything away in “Tower Heist”, but the Ferrari in the penthouse that’s painted red is really made of gold. Spoiler alert. Anyway, the cast includes Ben Stiller-Focker, Eddie Murphy-Doolittle, and Ferris “Please call me Matthew” Broderick. Here’s how I imagine he got the role.
Sarah Jessica Parker (on phone with a real agent): “There has to be SOMETHING you can jam Ferris, I mean, Matthew into.”
Agent: “Well, I do have this absolute steaming pile of dog shit on my desk called “Tower Heist.” It’s about a group of…”
SJP: (interrupting) “How much?”
Agent: “Well, after Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy take their cut…”
SJP: “HOW. MUCH.”
Agent: “Well, considering Ferris, I mean, Matthew just did a Honda commercial where he plays…drumroll!…Ferris Bueller, I think we can get him 500 grand plus a very small percentage of the one week stay it has at the box office.”
SJP: “He’s in. He’ll do it.”
Agent: “Let me just talk to Matthew about the role first.”
SJP: “It doesn’t matter. What more is there to discuss once you know Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy are in it? It’s rubbish.”
Agent: “LOL. Let’s schedule a follow up meeting to discuss your next movie, “Sex and the City 4: Samantha’s Botox and Vagina Jokes.”
SJP: “I’ll do it.”
Remember, whether my unbiased review encourages you to see this movie or not, as a grown up, you get to make your own two hour epic waste of time decisions. It is interesting to note that HBO gives it 3 stars. However, this blogger would encourage you to proceed with caution as I believe it must be some new rating system they never told us about that goes up to 20 stars.