Boston, MA – I’m afraid I have some very bad news to bring you this morning. By now, some of you may have heard the reports about the explosions that took place at the Boston Marathon a week ago from last Monday. The reports were true and it was just awful. Just to bring you up to speed, there were two bombs that were detonated near the finish line. Please be advised that the next couple of sentences contain details of a graphic nature. Glass was shattered. Three people were killed. No, not like in Call of Duty where you get to keep respawning. People lost some of their limbs. There isn’t a Lost and Found booth for that. “Excuse me, would you happen to have one size 12 New Balance with G-shock Absorber soles? You’ll be able to tell mind apart from any others because my left foot is still inside of it.” There were many, many others that were prevented from finishing the race. Even Starbucks on Boylston Street reported their lowest revenue totals in Marathon history. It was that serious. It’s hard to imagine, but for several days after, my libido was at an all time low. I was only able to ring toss 6 honey-dipped donuts onto my morning boners, where you guys know I can typically ring 9. Fortunately, as a little time has passed and I’ve done some healing, I am very happy to report that I am back up to 8 donuts.
Which brings us to the Wednesday Wouldya, Zubeidat Tsarnaev, the mother of Dickhead 1 and Dickhead 2. Per usual, I’ll start us off and let you know how I voted, so, here we go….drumroll….I would. Yep, I know, shocker. There is something so inherently sexual, not to mention convenient, about a burka doubling as your jizz rag. You know how sometimes you don’t have a towel handy so you end up just wiping off on the drapes in your room at the Radisson? Well, the burka solves all of that. Also, can you just imagine the hot naughty talk from this MILF (which, I guess in this case, the M stands for Muslim.)
Zubeidat: “Martin, على وجهيصوّب brogurt ” (translation: “Martin, splash on me with your brogurt.”)
Martin: (pulls out, runs around front) “Pardon me, Zubeidat, would you have any White Poupon?” (Baboooosh!)
Now that you know how I voted and finished up, please cast your vote whether or not you would with Zubeidat. Please keep in mind that this is a very difficult time in our city, so please be respectful of others feelings before you cast your vote whether or not you would penetrate.
"One grasping the severity, one clearly is not"