Dead Body Found In A Porta Potty (Want To Keep Rhymin’ About It, But That Would Be Naughty)

“Just like your own bathroom, only 87,000 people have used it”

NY Post– The charred remains of an unidentified woman were discovered inside a burning port-a-potty outside a vacant Florida home on Saturday morning, a report said.

Firefighters found the body after responding to the blaze outside of a St. Augustine home that’s been under construction for several months, according to The Florida Times-Union.

Detectives from the St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office are working to determine the identity of the woman, and how she died.

“A person could have gone in there and the methane gas could have ignited somehow,” Chuck Mulligan, a spokesman for the sheriff’s office, explained to the paper. “It might have been a suicide or something more nefarious.”

The spokesman seemed perplexed by the potential crime scene. “In my 32 years in law enforcement, I’ve never seen one of these before,” Mulligan said.

An autopsy is expected to be completed on Monday. The State Fire Marshal’s Office is searching for the presence of any accelerants in the portable toilet, which could indicate foul play.

“We are asking anyone who may have a family member or friend, who has not been heard from and may be missing, to contact the St. John’s County Sheriff’s Office and ask for the Major Crimes Unit,” he told the paper.

Man, oh man, unlike the story about that couple who died while banging, this is not a good way to go. If you could even take the smallest of positives out of perishing in a porta potty fire, I guess it would have to be at least you got to save money on a cremation. But that’s literally it. You can’t say they “died doing what they loved” on this one. That’s the thing about Porta Potty’s, you absolutely dread going in there, but sometimes you have no choice, and once that creaky door closes behind you, you just don’t know if you’re going to end up in the Porta John de los muertos.

Even if I had a friend or family member who went missing and I saw this story about the found body, I’m not sure I could make that phone call to the Major Crimes Unit. The following is a dramatization, obvi:

Me: “Hi, I’d like to report a friend who may have gone missing.”

MCU: “Well, when did you last see them, and can you tell us any details that may have led up to the disappearance?”

Me: “Sure. Well, me and my buddy, Gary, went out for lunch at Chipotle around noon. I got a chicken burrito with a side of guac, but Gary got a bean and cheese burrito with extra, extra beans, which I kinda thought was overdoing it. About an hour later, Gary grabs my shoulder and goes ‘OMFG’, and doubles over. I told him to man the fuck up because we were going to Gamestop, but he made a bee line for this bank of porta potty’s, walkin’ all funny like he was trying to hold in a really big toot, ya know? Anyway, I haven’t seen nor heard from him since.”

MCU: “Well, didn’t you go and check on him?”

Me: “No, like I said, we were on our way to Gamestop.”

Anyway, credit where credit’s due, Porta Potty’s have come a long, LONG way over the years. Now they have mirrors, hand sanitizer dispensers, LOCKS, some probably have glory holes, and a little side urinal thing that kinda looks like someone cut a one-gallon milk jug in half and hung it upside down. It’s not “the best” urinal you’ll ever use, but at least it kinda helps to avert your eyes from that hole that is filled with unspeakable evil. You still kinda peek over at it, but then you quickly turn your head and ask yourself why. Like “oh, maybe this will be the one time in my life where they just vacuumed this thing out.” Nope. Still full. Well, I thought this went without saying, but, caution, do not hold lighters and look down into the hole like you’re Indiana Jones after opening that tomb.

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