So not EVERYTHING from Venezuela is terrible.

MSN:  First milk, butter, coffee and cornmeal ran short. Now Venezuela is running out of the most basic of necessities — toilet paper.  Blaming political opponents for the shortfall, the country’s embattled socialist government said it will import 50 million rolls.  That was little comfort to consumers who struggled to find toilet paper in stores Wednesday.

Economists said Venezuela’s shortages stem from price controls meant to make basic goods available to the poorest parts of society and to the government’s controls on foreign currency needed to pay for imports.  The government claims anti-government forces including the private sector are causing the shortages to destabilize the country.

Under the socialist government of Hugo Chavez who died March 5 and later his hand-picked successor Nicolas Maduro, shoppers have been unable to count on finding sugar, cornmeal for Venezuela’s beloved arepas and other goods when they go to market.

Chavez made agrarian reform a pillar of his “revolution” and vowed to turn Venezuela into a self-sufficient, food-exporting power. His government expropriated 5.7 million acres of farmland over the last 12 years that he said were misused. He nationalized food-producing companies whose owners he claimed were gouging the people, conspiring against his government, or both.

Suck a dick, socialism.

This Venezuelan export isn't so bad...

What? It's natural! (ish)

"Good Morning, Your Honor!"

Boston, MA – That whole “rejected by women” defense strikes a chord in me as someone who has been rejected by women time and time again, however, thanks to my joy for life, coupled with an inherent will to never go to prison, the only thing I’d ever be convicted of is the mass genocide of about 4,000 Kleenex, 11 sets of drapes, 7 pillow cases during various hotel stays (including The Radisson, Marriott Courtyard, et al.) and probably a few pairs of Dockers during times of accidental Brogurt leak. You know how it is. Anyway, whether it’s proven that you’re clinically insane or not, you are criminally responsible when it comes to the cold blooded murder of innocent people. So, I’ll disagree with the ‘defense attorney’ on that. I also disagree with the prosecution regarding how “he wanted to kill them stealthily.” To me, stealthily means “very quietly”, and/or “did not know something evil was approaching.” This dude was driving down the street with a rape kit in his trunk, just blasting at Cape Verdeans like he was playing ‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.’ The real question of the day is, if he “allegedly fired on police officers”, why is he not “allegedly fucking dead right now”?

p.s. For those of you keeping score using your simple math skills, those “acts he perpetrated” happened 4 years ago, and the opening arguments just happened yesterday? He told police he wanted to kill people. People saw him kill people. He shot at cops. What are we waiting for, execute this motherfucker!

I learned to kill terrorists for this?!

Even after several kids, getting ruined by Seal, and 39 years, my breasts are still spectacular

I banged Derek Jeter. Get over it.

Red thinks I'm terrible. And he's right.

Red wishes he had this shirt/pants combo.

All the celebrities are doing it!

Boston, MA – See, this is why I hate art. Anyone can do art. It’s stupid. Even the guy in “My Left Foot” was painting with the aforementioned Left Foot, and as you can imagine, it looked like someone tied a paint brush to the beak of a rooster on crack and let it go apeshit all over a canvas. While I will grant you that was a great movie, they conveniently left glaring holes in the story, like did he use his Left Foot to brush his teeth, fly a kite, and jerk himself off? There’s no god, but I like to think there is a special force that would allow his Left Foot to compensate for other parts of his body that were lacking. Perhaps he could arch his foot in such a way, like how a monkey does to climb a tree, that would make the perfect sheath for milking himself, but unless there’s a sequel coming that I don’t know about, we may never know. We may never know. But, it’s a Scientific fact that the human body can heighten certain senses when other senses in that same body are failing. One example of that would be blind people who have a keen ear for music, or perhaps can hear a train coming before you and I do. Another example would be why so many people with no arms go on to become great tap dancers.

Now, I purposely set up the layout of this particular blog so you would be SHOCKED when you this piece of $44 million garbage. Then, in contrast, I included an original Martin Munson piece that I created using nothing more than my fingertip and the “Draw Something” app on my iPad2. When you take a moment to truly ponder my gift, it’s hard to imagine what I could accomplish with watercolors. Please be honest with yourself as you take our poll: Which piece exhibits more artistic talent?

"I went thatta way"

Mexico  – The grandson of civil rights activist Malcolm X, Malcolm Shabazz, died in a Mexico City hospital after suffering an apparent beating, police told CNN. Prosecutors are investigating the death as a homicide, police spokesman Octavio Campos said. Police were called to the scene of an injured man at 3:30 a.m. Thursday one block south of Plaza Garibaldi, a rough but famous patch of Mexico City known for its mariachis. The 29-year-old was transported to Mexico City’s Balbuena General Hospital, where he died later Thursday morning because of his injuries, he said. The prosecutor’s office said in a statement that Shabazz had been at “a place of recreation” and had been drinking beers that night. “To all who knew him, he offered kindness, encouragement and hope for a better tomorrow,” the Shabazz family said in a statement Friday. “Although his bright light and boundless potential are gone from this life, we are grateful that he now rests in peace in the arms of his grandparents and the safety of God.” Malcolm is perhaps most widely known for intentionally starting the fire that killed his grandmother, Malcolm X’s widow, Betty Shabazz, 63, in Yonkers, N.Y., in 1997. Malcolm was 12 years old then & pleaded guilty to second-degree arson & second-degree manslaughter, & was sentenced to 18 months in an out-of-state juvenile facility. Then in 2002, at age 17, he was sentenced to 3 years in a NY state prison after taking part in a violent robbery in Middletown, Orange County.

You kind of have to wonder if the grandmother is up in heaven like, “Now I have to hang out with this motherfucker who set me on fire? Aww, hell no.” Well, that’s heaven in a nutshell for you. People you never thought you’d see again, who may have wronged you down on the Earth by stealing a client from you, or putting their dick into your wife, or, in this case, burning you alive, all of a sudden those assholes are appearing through the gates. Everyone is forgiven. Come on in. In that sense, heaven is kind of like America, where they just let anyone in to leech off the system. And don’t even get me started on how overpopulated it is there. I mean, if you think having 7 billion people on Earth is getting kinda stuffy, there’s like, 300 million years’ worth of shitty spirits just lounging around in heaven. Can you even imagine getting to the deli and pulling a ticket that says you’re # 1,303,488? Anyway, even though I am not the foremost authority on what you do or do not bring along with you to heaven (i.e. does Betty go there with 70% of her body covered with burn marks, can the Comcast collections department contact you about your outstanding balance, etc.), I have to believe that Betty Shabazz is experiencing Soul Rage right now.

Betty: “Malcolm! How wonderful to see you and your ‘bright light’ and ‘boundless potential’ again!”

Malcolm: “Hi Grandma. Are you still upset with me?”

Betty: “Oh, you mean when you cut my life short 16 years ago by setting me on fire and sending me to this prison in the clouds? No, I haven’t had any time to dwell on that at all.”

"Save!"

Boston, MA – Mrs. Munson thinks we are “cleaning the house” tonight, but because I “have a pair of testicles,” I am watching the Bruins game in its’ entirety very soon after I’m done steam-cleaning the tiles in our bathroom, and you had better believe it.

Prediction: Bruins 4, Toronto 1

Rhetorical question: Doesn’t the “Maple Leafs” sound like a gay birdwatching club?

Customer 1: “Oh my heavens. What ever is that in the mirror? I do believe an unleashed pitbull has entered your barber shop without an appointment. lol. j/k. But please, would you do me the honor of turning me about and let us confirm if my eyes are deceiving me?”

Barber: “Good lord. You’re right. An unleashed pitbull has entered my barber shop, and if I am not mistaken, he looks to be rather agitated.”

Customer 2: “Sir, would you mind terribly if I climbed on top of this barber chair in an attempt to prevent this unleashed pitbull from biting my testicles off?”

Barber: “Well I must insist! Your request gives me a delightful idea as I may climb onto the chair adjacent to yours. Like you, I am also very interested in protecting my testicles.”

Pitbull: “Good afternoon, Gentlemen. Please be my guest and blame what is about to happen on my owner, because excrement is about to get very real all the way up in here.”

"Griffon Vultures 1, Fallen Hiker 0"

France – A hiker who plunged 1,000 feet to her death was eaten by Griffon vultures before she could be rescued. The 52-year-old’s bones, clothes and shoes were all that remained after being pounced on by the scavengers in the French/Spanish Pyrenees mountain range. They devoured her body in just 40 minutes. The woman is believed to have died during the April 14 fall, rather than from being attacked by the birds.

Boston, MA (and in the Pyrenees, France where Lance Armstrong won his Tour de France’s with one ball and wildebeest blood in his veins) – Well, I guess this hiker didn’t see the signs about not feeding the wildlife. Anyway, what’s the last thing you want to hear after you’ve fallen 1,000 feet? If you said “A dozen Griffon vultures going “CAW! CAW!” as they circle my broken body” you were right! Griffon vultures are known to have razor sharp talons and beaks they use to crack open shellfish and coconuts. If you close your eyes right now (but somehow keep reading this), imagine the sensation of falling 1,000 feet to what you think is going to be your instant death. But no. Griffa please! The first thing you feel is simultaneously breaking every bone in your body. Try to make light of the situation by singing “The head bone connected to the, neck bone, the neck bone connected to the, shoulder bone” and so on, but with the understanding that nothing is no longer connected. The next sensation you feel is a delusional one, and it’s a genetic defense mechanism all human’s have that says, and you’ll forgive me for not having the medical term handy, but basically, “Hey, maybe shit gonna a’ight.” The third and final sensation you’ll ever feel is one of false hope, and what you think are shadows from the rotating propeller blades of a Red Cross helicopter coming to save you are really the shadows of 70 Griffon Vultures coming to peck your dick off.

"Onil Castro, Ariel Castro, Pedro Castro. (not shown: Fidel Castro)"

Boston, MA – Hola! Here are the Brothers’ Castro of Cleveland, Ohio, who allegedly but almost certainly held three young women against their will for a decade. Ariel Castro (pictured above, center) was allegedly the ringleader. Isn’t that always the way, that the good looking one is the mastermind? He kind of reminds me of Antonio Banderas, if Antonio Banderas spent his entire life subsisting on deep fried plantains. The other two look like if Edward James Olmos was a siamese twin that got ripped in half. It appears these guys also visit the same barbershop, BuenoCuts.

Anyway, by now, you’ve heard this story out of Cleveland: Three smelly looking and wicked horny Puerto Ricans abduct three young girls at different times and kept them locked up in a house for up to 10 years. The details that emerge over the next few days (i.e. that Ariel got one of his captives pregnant and delivered the baby in la casita, probably forcing them to listen to Menudo, etc.) are going to turn your god damned stomach. Therefore, we are calling for an immediate death penalty for these three pinata hitters. Please note: Your vote doesn’t really send someone to the electric chair, but it’s still fun to click on buttons and wonder “what if?” As an added bonus, please watch the Songified Charles Ramsey Hero video once you’ve cast your vote below. That shit is my Summer Jam.

(Thanks to Sully and Curley for the Vid)

"I'm hungry. Bring me your infants. Medium rare."

Sydney Morning Herald:  It may go down as one of the great currency bets in Australian dollar history – a $US1 billion gamble on a Reserve Bank rate cut that has delivered a $US19 million profit in 36 hours.  The beneficiary, if you believe the rumour mill, is investment legend George  Soros.  Best of all, it appears the 82-year-old American pulled off the deal three  times, all with different foreign exchange brokers in Asia, for a tidy profit of  almost $US60 million.

Huh.  In the last 36 hours, I went to the gym, had one more-or-less wasted day at work, and executed one-and-a-half flawless bowel movements.  “If you believe the rumour mill,” Ol’ Georgie made sixty million dollars.

That’s nice for him.