Boston, MA – Chris Dutton, 11, of Melrose, MA was named valedictorian of The Chris Dutton Home School despite earning a sub-par GPA of just 1.3. Said his mom, Trish Dutton, who went to public schools and stayed back a few times: “We knew Chris was the right choice when it came time to name a valedictorian. Now, granted, he’s the only student in the entire school, and there are things he needs to work on, like his mathing, geographies, history, and shit like that, but there are some things he’s good at that’ll serve him very well in life. For example, he memorized every button on the Comcast remote, and was able to navigate around in the guide even though we had him blindfolded. We think he may have even hacked the parental codes, because someone accidentally rented “MILF Blaster 8: Still Blastin”, which coincidentally is my husband’s favorite genre of adult entertainment. That part won’t make it into this story, though, will it?”
Here is a breakdown of Chris’ grades and his mom’s notes where there may be areas of improvement:
Geography: (D+) Chris needs to work on his area codes, and norths and souths. Also, on the final exam, he was asked to name some famous mountains in the US, and he answered Space Mountain and Mountain Dew. When asked how many oceans we have, he thought the earth just had one big ocean, which is a pretty good point because they are all technically connected. He also said there were 57 states, which is wrong, so he’s either confusing that number with how many flavors Heinz offers, or, he just remembers his hero Barack Obama thinking there were 57 states in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpGH02DtIws
Math: (F) Chris is 100% reliant on Siri to do all of his math calculations at this point. He scored a perfect 100 on his basic math final, but when I took his phone away and re-tested him, he scored a perfect zero. He told me he won’t need to remember math in the future, and that he wants to be just like his dad when he grows up. So, to prepare him for that bleak, predictable, and monotonous future, we decided to turn his room into an exact replica of his dad’s cubicle.
Intangibles: (A) Chris excels in areas that don’t always show up in the grades, like making his bed and brushing his chompers. Also, he is already showing signs that he can make it in corporate America, such as smiling and nodding a lot, while gazing off into the distance. And, even though class starts at 9am sharp, just like a typical American employee, Chris spends the first 30 minutes of the day leaning against the counter in our kitchen, making inane chit chat like “the weekends are never long enough, are they” and “jesus, what are we using for coffee filters around here, an old pair of my Hanes?”
At the time of this blog, Chris has not written his valedictorian speech, but said it will be “kinda dope” and include some sick cheat codes to Fortnite.