Posted on June 23, 2018
Jon Snow Gets Married Causing 46 Million Female Fans To Fly Their Vaginas At Half Mast
BREAKING: Jon Snow, whose name in real life is Kit Harrington (short for Kitten Harrington), married “the ugly chick” from Game of Thrones. Please note, I’M not saying she’s the ugly chick, I’m putting it in quotes because a lot of the clams you and I both know are calling her “the ugly chick” as if they had a shot with this dude to begin with. Like, oh, if it wasn’t for the two of them acting out a bunch of near-death, yet at the same time, erotic scenes (which take about 70 takes to get one right, so that’s a lot of body rubbin’), then he’d be in the market for your every day, run of the mill trollop. Well, spoiler alert, she’s not “the ugly chick”, that should be reserved for the old coot who kinda lol’d after Cersei’s kid jumped off the balcony (she wasn’t alone.) And to even say she’s ugly isn’t fair, because she’s 70 or whatever, and the only people who weren’t ugly at 70 are Sophia Loren (probably still would) and that’s really about it.
Among the Game of Thrones castmates present to witness the nuptuals, but who will not be present in 1-3 years for the divorce proceedings were: Emilia Clarke (the Mother of Dragons, burned a bunch of people alive, banged Khal Drogo, etc.), and Sophie Turner (who plays Sansa Stark and was relentlessly hit on by Lord Balish before they cut his head and dick off.) I don’t even know how regular dudes attend celebrity weddings without popping wood the whole time. Can you even imagine being a groomsman and getting paired up with Sansa or Cersei? The DJ would be like “and now, here comes Lena “Cersei Lannister” Headey, and her groomsman, Martin Munson!” and as we make our way across the dance floor my boneser tears thru the bottoms of my tuxedo rental. Shame, shame, shame, indeed.
Peter Dinklage was also there, but, despite rumors, he was not tossed down the hall into a bunch of oversized bowling pins.